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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For being mad at 'date' for his behaviour?

191 replies

Wanshu · 24/09/2015 14:45

Met a guy online. Met up one night and he seemed alright so I arranged date number 2. That one went ok so this brings us to date number 3 ...

We went to cinema and he talked all the way through the movie. People were turning around and I was getting embarrassed. He was actually talking about the movie to be fair but even so! Anyway I said to him politely "let's talk about it later when we leave". He made a stupid "oooo! Ive been told off!" comment and I heard tutting from behind us. So uncomfortable as I hate drawing attention to myself.

So - moving forward we got out (finally!) and as we were leaving he was loudly discussing the plot whilst people were queuing up to see it!! I said playfully "shh you'll spoil it for this lot!" and he did the same "ooo you are miss authoritative tonight!" at this point I was so wound up I just wanted to shout "fuck off!!!" at him (but didn't).

So I admit I may have been a bit tetchy from this point on ...

We walked into our chosen restaraunt were we were told to sit at the bar whilst a table became available. Gladly I sat down. He sat beside me, started raking into his pockets and then dumped a load of change onto the bar and said "what do you reckon we could get with that?" Shock Jesus H Christ. I was mortified. A group of blokes were looking and laughing, he seemed completely oblivious. I said "just put the money away and we'll just order something! if we don't have enough on us they accept card!". I may have been a bit snappy at this point. He looked offended. collected the change and asked what I wanted. I told him I'd buy the drinks and I did so. As we were sat drinking in awkward silence he asked me if he'd done something wrong as I'd seemed quite stand offish and snappy all night!!! Not wanting a full on conversation in front of the bar staff and the group of blokes I said "no, don't worry about it, I just don't like getting money out in public." At this point he said "oh don't worry I'm not skint, I have ... " and then he proceeded to rake a load of £10 and £20 notes out of his pocket and counted them in front of me!!!!! is it me or what??? How embarrassing. So I said "you're doing it again! people are looking! just put the money away and let's enjoy our drinks and food without thinking about money".

Anyway this conversation went on and on ...

Final straw, we sat down and I ordered fajita wraps. He ordered something different. When it arrived my serving was huge and basically it looked like it would be a military operation turning this huge plate of meat and veg into wraps (it was a DIY job!). So I laughed and said "oh wow! where do I start here?!" so he asked what I meant. Hmm. I said "I just don't know where to start. looks nice though doesn't it?" - well he immediately caught the attention of the waitress and asked her to come across before telling her that I wasnt sure how to make the wraps and could she show me how to do it! I mean for fucks sake, I've never felt so ridiculous in all my life. I told her I was fine and could manage. When she'd left I asked him why he'd done that and he said he was trying to be helpful. I told him he'd really embarrassed me and he said I'd been off with him all night and he wished I'd just told him what was wrong.

I can be a moody cow. I'm not denying that but was my frustration warranted on this occasion and AIBU to now be considering calling it all off? We're meant to be going out this weekend and he keeps texting saying how he's looking forward to it and has changed his hours at work for it. The other dates were fine, just the last one which was a nightmare. Am I being harsh?

OP posts:
OneDay103 · 24/09/2015 17:20

Ffs what's with all the experts here diagnosing any twattish behaviors as ASD/Aspergers. How insulting to people who actually live with this.
It's like people can't just be jerks, he must have a diagnoses!

SurlyCue · 24/09/2015 17:27

oh god! I wouldn't have gotten as far as the restaurant with him. I would have ended it once the film was over and said it just wasn't going to work. he sounds like a knob.

reni2 · 24/09/2015 17:29

Maybe he is a lovely guy, but does need a partner who is not easily embarrassed. You could see if you could be that partner if you really like him, but if you have social anxiety and he has no social awareness you might be in trouble.

On the other hand, you might be able to help each other out a bit, you are bound to relax socially when he's being such an oddball and he might pick up your cues over time and learn to be a bit less in people's faces?

TenForward82 · 24/09/2015 17:29

oneday that happens all the time here, drives me nuts. (Not that I think this guy was a twat, I think he was awkward and embarrassed because he's obviously picked on the OP's desire to make sure the entire world approves of what she's doing at any given moment)

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:33

Really? He doesn't sound awkward or embarrassed. Faux horror at a woman telling him off? That's about as socially anxious as wearing a parking cone on his head.

He has an attitude problem, not an anxiety one.

The80sweregreat · 24/09/2015 17:34

sorry, but he does sound a twat - going on at the others in the queue for the cinema was bad enough, but the wrap thing was just awful. He obviously doesn't get a joke!
best to put it down to experience, not go on any more dates with him and look for someone else!

Grazia1984 · 24/09/2015 17:36

he sounds a bit mentally challenged./awkward - not behaving like a normal person, happy to break conventions and spoil the cinema for everyone - utterly awful in other words . Don't see him again.

DixieNormas · 24/09/2015 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2015 17:37

Yes, it's annoying when people practically diagnose someone with aspergers, but it's just as annoying when they adamantly conclude that someone is a twat or a jerk. Nobody knows who the poor sod is - you can't perform a character assassination on the basis of so little evidence!

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:39

Bollocks. We have evidence for his behaviour. He did behave like a twat, whatever the reasons.

We have no evidence that he has an ASD. It is offensive to people who do, to pin it on that.

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:40

And if a bloke called me 'little Miss Authoritative' I would want to lamp him.

Neddyteddy · 24/09/2015 17:40

It sounds like he's got a dry sense of humour and you've not

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2015 17:41

Bollocks. We have hearsay, which isn't adequate evidence. Grin

LeChien · 24/09/2015 17:41

Completely agree with Alice re armchair diagnoses of ASD.

You have a snapshot of what this man is like, you can't possibly tell from this that he has ASD, or indeed if he is a twat.
You both sound incompatible, and that's enough reason to not see him again, but fgs people, stop with the labelling when you simply don't have the information to make such a judgement!

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:41

Well if everything on every thread is just 'hearsay' there's no point responding at all.

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:43

Also it's possible to recover from being a twat or a jerk. He might not be one permanently. On the occasion described, that's exactly what he was.

He may have reasons - poor upbringing, ASD, just plain thick - but we can't speculate on those.

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2015 17:44

If someone kept telling me off, I would say something a bit rude to them. One person's playful is another person's supercilious.

Gabilan · 24/09/2015 17:45

"he sounds a bit mentally challenged./awkward - not behaving like a normal person, happy to break conventions and spoil the cinema for everyone - utterly awful in other words . Don't see him again."

I don't behave like a normal person. Normality is incredibly over-rated. And dull.

Wanshu in that case I would not spend my time trying to embarrass you Smile

LeChien · 24/09/2015 17:46

IRuth, citing ASD in the same sentence as poor upbringing and just plain thick is offensive.

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2015 17:46

IRuth - In other words, it's possible to behave like a jerk without actually being a jerk.

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 24/09/2015 17:48

If someone was annoying me to the point of me being annoyed, I wouldn't say 'ooh I've been told off' or call her 'Miss Authoritative', I'd end the date and leave. I might say both of those things if I had no respect for her as an equal, though.

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2015 17:51

I don't see why your reaction has to be the gold standard, though, OhFuck - it's just what you would have done.

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:55

IRuth, citing ASD in the same sentence as poor upbringing and just plain thick is offensive.

They are simply three possibilities. How is that offensive? FFS

reni2 · 24/09/2015 17:56

Actually reading the OP again, "Little Miss Authoritative" can only be answered with "Little Mr Knobhead"

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2015 17:57

Anyway, there must be something nice about this guy if a person with social anxiety is willing to give him another go! Grin I'd love to know what he was like on the other two dates.

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