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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For being mad at 'date' for his behaviour?

191 replies

Wanshu · 24/09/2015 14:45

Met a guy online. Met up one night and he seemed alright so I arranged date number 2. That one went ok so this brings us to date number 3 ...

We went to cinema and he talked all the way through the movie. People were turning around and I was getting embarrassed. He was actually talking about the movie to be fair but even so! Anyway I said to him politely "let's talk about it later when we leave". He made a stupid "oooo! Ive been told off!" comment and I heard tutting from behind us. So uncomfortable as I hate drawing attention to myself.

So - moving forward we got out (finally!) and as we were leaving he was loudly discussing the plot whilst people were queuing up to see it!! I said playfully "shh you'll spoil it for this lot!" and he did the same "ooo you are miss authoritative tonight!" at this point I was so wound up I just wanted to shout "fuck off!!!" at him (but didn't).

So I admit I may have been a bit tetchy from this point on ...

We walked into our chosen restaraunt were we were told to sit at the bar whilst a table became available. Gladly I sat down. He sat beside me, started raking into his pockets and then dumped a load of change onto the bar and said "what do you reckon we could get with that?" Shock Jesus H Christ. I was mortified. A group of blokes were looking and laughing, he seemed completely oblivious. I said "just put the money away and we'll just order something! if we don't have enough on us they accept card!". I may have been a bit snappy at this point. He looked offended. collected the change and asked what I wanted. I told him I'd buy the drinks and I did so. As we were sat drinking in awkward silence he asked me if he'd done something wrong as I'd seemed quite stand offish and snappy all night!!! Not wanting a full on conversation in front of the bar staff and the group of blokes I said "no, don't worry about it, I just don't like getting money out in public." At this point he said "oh don't worry I'm not skint, I have ... " and then he proceeded to rake a load of £10 and £20 notes out of his pocket and counted them in front of me!!!!! is it me or what??? How embarrassing. So I said "you're doing it again! people are looking! just put the money away and let's enjoy our drinks and food without thinking about money".

Anyway this conversation went on and on ...

Final straw, we sat down and I ordered fajita wraps. He ordered something different. When it arrived my serving was huge and basically it looked like it would be a military operation turning this huge plate of meat and veg into wraps (it was a DIY job!). So I laughed and said "oh wow! where do I start here?!" so he asked what I meant. Hmm. I said "I just don't know where to start. looks nice though doesn't it?" - well he immediately caught the attention of the waitress and asked her to come across before telling her that I wasnt sure how to make the wraps and could she show me how to do it! I mean for fucks sake, I've never felt so ridiculous in all my life. I told her I was fine and could manage. When she'd left I asked him why he'd done that and he said he was trying to be helpful. I told him he'd really embarrassed me and he said I'd been off with him all night and he wished I'd just told him what was wrong.

I can be a moody cow. I'm not denying that but was my frustration warranted on this occasion and AIBU to now be considering calling it all off? We're meant to be going out this weekend and he keeps texting saying how he's looking forward to it and has changed his hours at work for it. The other dates were fine, just the last one which was a nightmare. Am I being harsh?

OP posts:
diddl · 24/09/2015 16:02

"Well he sounds like he's lacking a bit of social awareness but you embarrass very easily"

So they're not compatible, really?

I embarrass easily, but hopefully I would have been able to tell someone to shut up during the film as it's rude to talk through it.

I wouldn't have liked the "ooh I've been told off".

The change probably wouldn't have bothered me & I might have laughed along with the wrap, but all of it in one evening would have been too much for me I think!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/09/2015 16:02

Someone who is utterly socially unaware is not going to realise you were upset, and therefore wouldn't likely have said that you'd been "off" all evening, as they probably wouldn't have noticed.

I hate to diagnose over the internet, but he sounds very similar to an ex of mine who had Asperger's

FFS, you hate to diagnose over the internet? Well, don't then. You cannot have any idea whether or not someone has AS/ASD/ASC (or whatever letters you personally prefer) by someone's description of their behaviour over a short date. Why do people feel the need to go "oh look he was an arse, he's probably socially unaware, so maybe he has AS" every time one of these threads pop up? Hmm I had no idea it was that easy to dx someone on the spectrum. I guess the medical profession has it all wrong - assessments, questionnaires, tests - we should be putting people on a date and asking online if they're autistic. Hmm

The OP has stated that he seemed fine during the first two dates. I'd have to agree with the poster that said basically by the third date, the mask has slipped and you're seeing his more arse-ish behaviour now.

The OP didn't ask if he had SNs. The OP asked if she was being harsh in considering to call off the next date. Personally OP if you find yourself uncomfortable with how the date went at this stage, I'd say dump and move on. Up to you, really. I guess 2 options - try once more and see if it continues, or dump him. You're not locked into a contract here, so either option is fine.

TheRadiantAerynSun · 24/09/2015 16:07

Well, he's sounds like a bit of a bellend but he also sounds a bit like my DH whowhile he can be a bit of a pillock sometimesis the nicest man in the whole wide world (I'm biased obviously.)

I would have candidly told him what was wrong when he asked and judged him on his reaction.

TenForward82 · 24/09/2015 16:08

I can't stand people that are constantly on the lookout for who else is looking at them and constantly worries what everyone else is thinking. Yes, cinema talking was rude and you should have told him that it bothered you. Getting embarrassed because he wanted to use up his change? Oh, please. I can see why the evening went downhill, he was obviously embarrassed and didn't know how to react so was trying to make it up to you. I'd find you exhausting, constantly rubbernecking to see what other people's opinions on your life were.

MySordidCakeSecret · 24/09/2015 16:08

pfft.. sounds like a night out with my DP! Always embarassing me but his good points make up for irritations when we're out. Do you like him? Do you fancy him? Are you interested to get to know him further?

If yes to those questions then maybe the next date you could meet somewhere a bit quieter so you can spend time together without worrying about embarrassment and other people.

bialystockandbloom · 24/09/2015 16:11

Yes alice I'm loving the armchair diagnoses of AS too Hmm

It's a well known fact that anyone who might behave like a pratt = social skills deficit = asd. That's been an official MN diagnostic criteria for a long while now.

OP you and he just sound very different. Talking during a film? Annoying, yes. Trying to be funny with the money thing? Meh, no big deal imo. You being purse-lipped and, as you admit yourself, "moody" about it? Hmm. Being "mad" at your date (not sure why you used " " for that btw) about it? Overreaction. Just don't see him again.

Zucker · 24/09/2015 16:28

I don't get the money thing. The rest of it yeah I can see annoying but the money thing? He took a heap of change out of his pocket and made a joke wondering what he could get for that. You didn't get the joke so I guess he thought you'd think he was a cheap ass and panicked by producing a wad of cash.

Are you generally so aware of what people around you may or may not be thinking of you and your company?

campervan67 · 24/09/2015 16:34

You do sound a bit overly concerned with what other people think. Apart from the talking in the cinema, I would have just laughed all those things off. The getting change out wouldn't have bothered me at all. You probably just made him more and more nervous. It does sound like you're not compatible though.

pictish · 24/09/2015 16:34

Ok...talking in the cinema is a no no. We can all be agreed on that.

Telling him off for talking about the film coming out of the cinema was out of order. How bloody uptight of you!
Being embarrassed about his fistful of change? Get a grip.
Also people are allowed to count money in public you know.

You sound tightly wound and irritable to be honest. I'm surpeised he would want another date with you after being patronised and treated like an idiot.
I wouldn't.

Sorry but you did ask.

pictish · 24/09/2015 16:37

And who gives a fuck if some random guys looked over and laughed? Maybe they're the sort of idiots that laugh at everyone? Maybe they were laughing at something else? Maybe they thought your fella there was dick?
Who cares?

KitZacJak · 24/09/2015 16:37

Sounds like you don't like him so I would leave it at that. He obviously likes you but can't seem to do anything right!!! Feel a little bit sorry for him, it is like he is trying too hard. But if someone makes you cringe you can't really help that!!!

pictish · 24/09/2015 16:37

I agree. You don't like him. Leave him be.

Gabilan · 24/09/2015 16:38

Talking through the film: Annoying
"Ooo, I've been told off": Really fucking annoying
Getting change out: Who cares? I've done similar things. I don't really give a shit who might watch. It's their problem. Sometimes it's good to use up change
Getting out wodges of cash: a bit gauche but possibly in response to you implying that he was a skin flint
Calling the waitress over: probably him taking you too literally

Overall, I agree with PP. You're not suited. He is in some ways lacking social awareness (though he picked up on your mood). But you really are incredibly uptight. Once I'd worked out how easily embarrassed you are I'd have spent the evening trying to get everyone's attention just to annoy you. But then I really am unreasonable. And a bit annoying.

MackerelOfFact · 24/09/2015 16:52

You don't enjoy spending time with him and you don't sound at all compatible, definitely don't go on a fourth date.

Regardless of whether or not he was in the wrong, you're not obliged to keep seeing him!

AyeAmarok · 24/09/2015 16:53

I feel a bit sorry for him and think it sounds like his heart was in the right place.

I want to give him a hug.

Wanshu · 24/09/2015 16:57

Thanks for the replies guys. Not meaning to drop feed but I do suffer social anxiety so am probably ultra aware of people in public which doesn't help. I'm meeting up with him tonight now so we'll see how it goes. And I'll try and relax this time.

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 24/09/2015 17:09

Well I wouldn't be going on another date with him, but good luck! Hope it goes well tonight.

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:09

Talking through a film is 101 for me

ditch him

seriously he sounds really upsetting. Unless you fancy a life filled with wanting to scream 'fuck off' at him every day then sack him now

LagerthaLothbrok · 24/09/2015 17:11

Sounds like he has aspergers or high functioning autism. I can imagine my son doing exactly the same, completely oblivious of the effect on those around him. But he is the sweetest boy - might be worth trying to understand him before writing him off?

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:12

The ooh I've been told off thing is a red flag to me

please please go no further with this jerk

BoredAdminGirl · 24/09/2015 17:12

This guy sounds very nervous and perhaps uses humour as a defence mechanism.

I think you need to have a 4th date and tell us all about it and decide from there. Who knows, in 10 years time you may both be looking back at that date and giggling

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 17:13

Sounds like he has aspergers or high functioning autism.

Right. I have that. I'm not a twat. This man sounds like a twat.

Duckdeamon · 24/09/2015 17:15

He sounds a lot like an oafish colleague of mine!

TenForward82 · 24/09/2015 17:19

I have social anxiety. If anybody doesn't like what I do or my company does, assuming it's not hideously rude, they can go fuck themselves.

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2015 17:20

I have sympathy, OP - I hate it when people talk at me when I'm trying to watch a film. From his point of view, I guess he might just have felt uncomfortable with the idea of "ignoring" a date during the entirety of the film, so started jabbering, instead, and then misinterpreted your tone when you "told him off." Basically, you miscommunicated with each other the entire evening, set each other on edge, and things therefore rather predictably went from bad to worse! Your first two dates must have been really good if this hasn't completely put you off. Your communication styles sound as though they are poles apart.

What is it that you liked about him on the previous dates?

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