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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bitch for insisting I have the day off over my colleague?

344 replies

slowdancinginaburningroom · 23/09/2015 14:59

So we got our holidays for the year starting this month.

My colleague hate his job and has pretty much used up his entire holiday to be off for this month (as I'm pretty sure he wants to leave)

I managed to book this Friday off - the first week day off this month.

I've got a meeting with a career councillor and I've booked a hair appointment.

My colleague has informed me that he is having tomorrow off to go with his girlfriend to have an abortion and that he wants Friday off too - as he wants to be with her.

Am I being selfish? I used that day as he had taken every other day off in September.

He is off today as well and sent me a text saying - I'm sorry that you might have to cancel your day off.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 23/09/2015 18:15

I have had a temination and because of excessive blood loss, had to stay in hospital overnight and was quite poorly for a few weeks after and i still managed to fend for myself the day after (I lived alone, didn't really have any other choice!). You've nothing to feel bad for OP.
By the way, in this area at least for an nhs termination you are looking at a wait of at least a couple of weeks.

CruCru · 23/09/2015 18:22

So what's happened OP?

RiverTam · 23/09/2015 18:25

I have had 7 MCs including 2 ERPCs and I still don't think the OP should have to cancel her day off. Her colleague can go down the correct you're if speaking to his manager about it. It is not the OP's problem.

RiverTam · 23/09/2015 18:25

You're if = route of

NotYouNaanBread · 23/09/2015 18:28

Don't engage. This is a HUGE part of the reason that women don't earn as much as men - this fear of being seen to be a "bitch" - NOBODY in your workplace would think that HE was being a bastard if the positions were reversed and you were asking for (even more) time off to sit with your husband the day after a vasectomy (or whatever oversharing story you had come up with).

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, even if he is trying to make it.

Don't text him back. If you absolutely can't resist, just say "As you know, I have Friday off. You might want to discuss with [manager] if you want to be off that day too."

DO NOT APOLOGISE. DO NOT SAY "Sorry, I already have an appointment". The word SORRY must not appear in your message.

Inertia · 23/09/2015 18:31

You do have an important appointment that cannot be rearranged, so you shouldn't feel guilty- you'd be messing someone else about.

Your colleague can surely request compassionate leave if he feels he needs to be with his girlfriend?

00100001 · 23/09/2015 18:32

fuck him, take your day off.

NotYouNaanBread · 23/09/2015 18:35

The only debate here is if you should reply to his message, by the way. You're kind of failing at career coaching straight off if you cancel the appointment to give way because a layabout colleague is gunning for even more time off before he quits.

AllChangeLife · 23/09/2015 18:36

If I wanted to be compassionate (whether I believed him or not) I'd rearrange the hair appointment but not the other one. That is important to you. Tell him you can swap half a day but that is it as the other appointment is important/not rearrangable.

That will weed him out if he is lying too.

Thefuckinggrinch · 23/09/2015 18:41

He has taken the entire month off pretty much then suddenly a very personal reason comes up for him to NEED the 2 days at the end of his 3 weeks off? Sounds very suss to me. I also detest that he seems to be making the assumption that you will roll over and cancel the only leave you could get for the entire month due to his selfishness. (and yes it is selfish to take huge chunks of holiday at once in a place only 1 person can be off at once, many places won't allow it.)

However even if it is genuine he likely will have known for at least a couple of weeks about the abortion. He should have tried to make arrangements sooner and swapped some days off if he felt it so vital to be there the entire time so you could have moved your appts round. You should NOT have to move things round on the last minute. He will be with her on the day and tbh the next day she may well just need to sleep and cry. He can be with her after work and for the weekend. I'm sure there will be a friend/relative who can be with her on the Friday if needed.

I would take my day off and not feel guilty. Tell your manager you still want your day off as you have plans. Refer him to your manager. SHE can then decide what to do as it is her job.

AyeAmarok · 23/09/2015 18:45

I am amazed at how many people on Mumsnet have trouble with reading comprehension.

OP, as someone who has actually read your posts and understood that (if he's telling the truth) the GF WILL HAVE HER BF WITH HER WHEN SHE HAS HER ABORTION, AS HE ALREADY HAD THURSDAY OFF, SHE JUST WON'T HAVE HIM FOR A FEW HOURS THE NEXT DAY, don't cancel your day off.

You have it booked and have plans.

Your manager will need to either say no to him (then he'll just call in sick), or say yes, and manage the team either way.

Not. Your. Problem.

YANBU.

RandomSocks · 23/09/2015 18:49

Take your day off op. Text him back, "unfortunately it doesn't work for me to cancel my day off".

Andrewofgg · 23/09/2015 18:54

I won't be cancelling my day off, [name], whatever gave you that idea?

That will cover it.

reni2 · 23/09/2015 18:54

I would not text back, nor would I mention it at work. You booked your day off, nothing changed for you. You have an important appointment, but even if your plan was to sit at home watching Jeremy Kyle he cannot just assume you drop your day off. His GF will be on her own for a few hours the day after her termination.

Fairenuff · 23/09/2015 18:57

I would text back.

Just to make it clear that you are not cancelling your day off.

Otherwise he could just not turn up at work and, when asked, say that he cleared it with you.

Original poster
slowdancinginaburningroom · 23/09/2015 18:57

If I wanted to be compassionate (whether I believed him or not) I'd rearrange the hair appointment but not the other one. That is important to you. Tell him you can swap half a day but that is it as the other appointment is important/not rearrangable.

I couldn't do half a day, with the time of the actual appointment .... and it taking me at least an hour to drive to work. I just couldn't do it.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 23/09/2015 18:59

I wouldn't say whatever gave you that idea because it invites a conversation about it!

TamaraLamara · 23/09/2015 18:59

OP, as someone who has actually read your posts and understood that (if he's telling the truth) the GF WILL HAVE HER BF WITH HER WHEN SHE HAS HER ABORTION, AS HE ALREADY HAD THURSDAY OFF, SHE JUST WON'T HAVE HIM FOR A FEW HOURS THE NEXT DAY, don't cancel your day off

Most of the posts I've read seem to have grasped that, so I'm not sure why you're yelling.

clairemum22 · 23/09/2015 19:01

As it is the day after the abortion and he has booked the rest of the month off I would take the day off with a clear conscience.

ilovesooty · 23/09/2015 19:02

Not your problem. You booked the day off going through the proper channels and he can put whatever request he needs to make through management.

LuluJakey1 · 23/09/2015 19:07

I would email him and cc the manager and simply say

'I am unable to change my planned leave day on Friday. I don't know if our Leave of Absence policy offers you any other options. I suggest you discuss that with xxxxxx'

My bet is he is lying and throws a sickie on Friday. You must make yourself uncontactable on Friday so no pressure can be put on you.

Staff like this drive me mad. We have one who we refused a week of LOA to because he and his wife had not arranged childcare -having known for a year that their son had different school holidays to them- We would have given him the leave but were not willing to pay him. He was off sick that week and has moaned on about it ever since to other staff that we are unreasonable.
They are all about me me me.

Where DH works they have one who has known for 3 years he was being overpaid and has said nothing. During that time he has also put in a request to be paid on a higher grade still which the council turned down. Now it has come to light he has been overpaid - by almost £4000 a year- he has admitted he knew and is up in arms that the council expect him to pay it back.

Andrewofgg · 23/09/2015 19:10

Waltermitty You are right. Sorry.

newoldmum · 23/09/2015 19:13

As a manager and at face value, I would say since you booked that first you have first refusal. If you cannot change your plans, or simply don't wish to, then I would look at other options to accommodate him, provided I felt confident he wasn't taking the mickey.

But no I would not cancel a days holiday booked prior.

Marynary · 23/09/2015 19:19

He has got a real nerve to suggest that you "might have to cancel" your day off as if it is his decision to make. No way would I cancel my day off so he can be there with his girlfriend the day after her abortion. To be honest after that comment I probably wouldn't cancel even if it was the day of the abortion.

LieselVonTwat · 23/09/2015 19:19

Whether he's lying or not, it also strikes me as quite risky to say this to a colleague unless he knows for sure you're pro choice OP. For all he knows, you could be some hideous anti-choicer who'd be delighted to make life harder for a woman who'd had an abortion.