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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bitch for insisting I have the day off over my colleague?

344 replies

slowdancinginaburningroom · 23/09/2015 14:59

So we got our holidays for the year starting this month.

My colleague hate his job and has pretty much used up his entire holiday to be off for this month (as I'm pretty sure he wants to leave)

I managed to book this Friday off - the first week day off this month.

I've got a meeting with a career councillor and I've booked a hair appointment.

My colleague has informed me that he is having tomorrow off to go with his girlfriend to have an abortion and that he wants Friday off too - as he wants to be with her.

Am I being selfish? I used that day as he had taken every other day off in September.

He is off today as well and sent me a text saying - I'm sorry that you might have to cancel your day off.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 23/09/2015 17:32

Even if you do believe him, what he and his girlfriend do are not your concern.

Clack's response is the one to go with.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 23/09/2015 17:33

Surely if he's refused the leave he can use compassionate leave or dependants leave or sick or whatever. It's not your responsibility.

I would have thought if he leaves holidays will be allocated pro rata and he'd end up owning them the money for them anyway?

kungfupannda · 23/09/2015 17:33

I'd be far from convinced about his reasons for wanting the time off. It's very personal information to share with a colleague. I suspect most people in that situation would make something up - a hospital appointment or a family problem. It sounds like the most dramatic thing he could think of in order to shut down any argument.

In any event, this is not for the OP to sort out. I'd be inclined to send a reply simply saying 'I'm afraid that won't be possible. Hope you get it sorted.'

MrsDeVere · 23/09/2015 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 23/09/2015 17:35

I'd give up the day off, but I'm soft and always swap even if it's not ideal for me!

Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 23/09/2015 17:36

In my work if I used all my leave for the year and then handed in my notice I'm pretty sure that they'd recoup what they could from my wages and I work for a Run of the mill well known company. Sod him, if someone text me to say that I'd be fuming. I get he wants to be there for his girlfriend but he has no idea what you're doing that day.

kungfupannda · 23/09/2015 17:41

he has no idea what you're doing that day.

Yes, for all he knows you could be having serious medical investigations or caring for a terminally-ill relative. He's just assumed the abortion will trump anything else. Either he has no thought for those around him, or he's made it up as something he thinks will 'win' over any other reason for needing time off.

If it was genuine, I would have expected him to have a quiet word and ask if the arrangements for the day are something that can be easily moved, and would you mind awfully swapping the day off, very sorry, wouldn't usually ask etc etc

Namechangenell · 23/09/2015 17:42

OP - none of this is your responsibility. He can ask for compassionate leave if he likes. Carry on with your own plans. Personally I'd be questionning whether he was telling the truth re the abortion. And even if he is, it's still not actually your problem. Your manager or someone else will have to cover! For all your colleague knows, you could have also booked the day off for a medical procedure and not want to change either...

Waltermittythesequel · 23/09/2015 17:42
  1. He's not negotiating, he's faux apologising, fully expecting OP to just put up and shut up.
  1. It's not a day off for a hair appointment and people are deliberately using that one appointment on the same day as a rather important one to be shitty to the OP.
  1. It's the manager's and the colleague's problem and not for the OP to be worrying about.
BertrandRussell · 23/09/2015 17:43

"He used up all his leave which meant everyone had to wait to take time off and then he didn't try and book any more till the last minute"

How far in advance do you think she booked the termination?Hmm

OurBlanche · 23/09/2015 17:47

It doesn't matter. It is none of OPs business. She has booked her own leave and has booked her own appointments.

He needs to discuss it with management.

ArendelleQueen · 23/09/2015 17:48

Oh FFS, it's not even the day of the procedure, it's the day after. Of course, YANBU.

AlpacaPicnic · 23/09/2015 17:51

If he is that concerned about his girlfriend then he'll just call in sick and deal with the consequences afterwards, surely. It's what I would do. Nobody is that irreplaceable.

Op, Yanbu. You have followed procedure. If the whole company folds into disarray because two people are off simultaneously, then that is poor management, and still not your issue to deal with.

ijustwanttobeme · 23/09/2015 17:51

Hmm, about the whole oversharing issue; like many PPs I'm a bit dubious about but it's not like you can call him a liar is it?

But anyway, not fair all the pressure being put on OP by colleague (and manager).

Simply tell him to go through to management who must decide if

A: on this occasion two people can be off on the one day
B: colleague must swap another days leave (if not used up already)
C: colleague must take unpaid or special leave

Manager should speak to HR if unsure, not bat it back to the OP who booked her leave with plenty of time etc etc, and followed correct work procedure.

Good luck with the careers meeting btw.

OneDay103 · 23/09/2015 17:52

Are you two very close, I can't imagine him wanting to divulge such personal information to a colleague. Yanbu though.

InimitableJeeves · 23/09/2015 17:53

Like Mrs DV, I haven't had a termination but I have had two miscarriages. On both occasions DH took time off on the day but it was impossible the following day, and to be honest all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and be miserable - I was physically perfectly capable of looking after myself and didn't resent the fact that he couldn't be there as there wasn't that much he could have done anyway. He provided plenty of TLC at the relevant time and before and after I went to work.

Obviously colleague's girlfriend won't inevitably feel the same way, but that is really his problem, not OP's. He could, for instance, have suggested she try to book the termination on Friday so he would have the whole weekend to look after her. He couldn't assume that other people would rearrange everything for him.

ToTheGups · 23/09/2015 17:55

I was on the fence and I would probably give the day up because I am a walk over but I think you should take your day as planned and let your manager and colleague sort it between themselves.

MrsDeVere · 23/09/2015 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TamaraLamara · 23/09/2015 17:59

How far in advance do you think she booked the termination?

I'd guess sooner than the last day or two.

Does anyone know what the timescale usually is? Presumably you can't book a termination and have the procedure within a day or two. Or can you?

Fromparistoberlin73 · 23/09/2015 18:02

Just re-read, the termination is THURSDAY, ah fuck that OP, no., ignore what I said earlier

use the very good wording, and don't feel like a bitch whatsoever

MistressChalk · 23/09/2015 18:04

That's why you don't take your leave all in one go, do that if an emergency or last minute thing comes up like an abortion you can take the time off albeit as a last minute booking. But he chose to take a month off and now has a problem getting leave when he needs it and it is possibly legit.

lavenderhoney · 23/09/2015 18:05

You don't have to insist anything. You've got the day off.

It's your manager who should deal with it. He shouldn't have to negotiate with you and give you reasons to make you change your plans. Your manager is not a manager IMO.

If you must text back, say " best speak to the manager, she's in charge of hols, and might be able to let you have the day off as well"

If you were both off sick, the company would still keep going surely? Your manager would have to prioritise a bit, and manage.

Fissues · 23/09/2015 18:06

His assumption that you'd have to cancel would piss me off - doesn't sound like he asked you but just said "I'm sorry you may have to cancel".

If I was asking someone to swap holiday days, I'd be apologetic and actually ask them, not presume it was a done deal!

LieselVonTwat · 23/09/2015 18:12

The girlfriend would not BU to be upset that her boyfriend couldn't be with her. It doesn't follow from that OP is BU, though.

I think if I thought there were any chance he was telling the truth, I'd give serious consideration to swapping unless what I was doing was really important- OP is the careers appointment rearrangeable at all? But I'd be really pissed off with the colleague, because his insistence on having all the other days off is what would've given me so few choices in the first place. And with the manager too. I don't think it's wrong to stick to your guns in the circumstances either.

reni2 · 23/09/2015 18:14

I would not cancel, a termination is dreadful, he will be there with her on the day and be back with her after work the day after. He had the month off, now it is your turn, OP. He can take compassionate leave if he wants to.