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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what a load of nonsense?

172 replies

Lickalolly · 23/09/2015 14:03

I'm pregnant again after a miscarriage, was it planned? Not really but I can't say it was prevented, losing a baby at 10+ weeks broke me completely, and in all honesty did I really want yet another pregnancy at just 17? Yes.

My partner and I told my Mum very early on, and she's been supportive which is lovely. I was very confused at what she said today though, and perhaps because of hormones, a little hurt.

The conversation was that she didn't want my sisters (6+7), being called 'Aunty so and so'. My eldest younger sister is baby mad and I think she'd be thrilled to take on the title and be known as Aunty so and so, yet my mum thinks they're much too young to be called aunties, even though they are Confused

I'd consider myself quite young to be a Mum, yet I can't get out of the Mummy label (yes I'm aware that was my choice), and I consider her young at 44 to be a nanny, yet she too won't escape that title.

I said I'm trying to understand where she's coming from but I don't see why it's so important for them not to be referred to as aunties, of which is exactly what they'll be and I think it's nice to know your place to your sisters baby. It isn't harming anyone, yet she says 'she gets that I like the Aunty thing but she has to consider their mental health' (I was very raised eyebrow at that). Can someone please tell me where this is all stemming from? The girls won't suddenly become mini adults, I don't see them all that often too so it's not like it's a responsibility and nor should it be, they're babies themselves.

I just can't make sense of it. Her youngest, my little brother, will only be going on for 2 when this little one arrives and I don't think I'll refer to him as 'Uncle so and so' but there isn't any need really.. I just think it'd be nice for the girls to know they're an important figure and I want them to know that I cherish them as aunties. Who are we to deprive them of that glory?

It's all very confusing to me because my Mum has no issue being a Nanny. I know people who have had children and then their own parents have gone on to have more children themselves, so their own uncles/aunties weren't even conceived by the time that baby arrived!

Am I just being too black and white? I really think it's silly and I'd like to know why she feels so strongly about this. This is my first child and for some reason, having my little sisters on board is cherished by me a lot and I don't want that title taken away from them (even if it is 'for now')

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 23/09/2015 14:52

OP, "suspect" isn't the same as "approve of", but I have no idea, I was just making a possible suggestion based on the limited evidence you've provided.

DaysofSummer · 23/09/2015 14:57

Really impressed that you have got a really good job, a home and a partner all by the age of 17.

Patapouf · 23/09/2015 15:01

I agree with DaysofSummer, kudos OP.

Ultimately it's not your choice and referring to a little girl as auntie doesn't sit right with me, even if that's her technical relationship to your future DC.

Who are we to deprive them of that glory? really? Is this a joke??

Gottagetmoving · 23/09/2015 15:02

I suspect that she doesn't want them following in your footsteps, and feels that calling them auntie is glorifying / normalising the situation, maybe

Why is the situation Not normal?
OP may only be 17 but she has a job and a partner and a good home according to her.
The sisters ARE the child's aunties. How is being called Aunty glorifying the situation?
There is nothing wrong with a 17 year old having a child if she feels ready and can provide for that child. Age does not determine ability to be a mother.

Patapouf · 23/09/2015 15:06

There is nothing wrong with a 17 year old having a child the fact that a 17yr old is still legally a child is perhaps why the pp suggested having a child at that age shouldn't be glorified. It was the OP who mentioned 'glory' in the first place.

ScarletRuby · 23/09/2015 15:07

She's their mum and so what she says goes. I'm sure you'll feel the same way about your baby when it's born.

thelittleredhen · 23/09/2015 15:07

I'd let the girls grow into their role and the title as Aunties as they get older and not fret yet. It sounds like your mum is just getting her head around you being a mum - sometimes they come out with things like this when they don't know how to voice their real concerns properly so I'd not worry too much!

Gottagetmoving · 23/09/2015 15:11

Patapouf Calling the sisters 'Aunty' does not 'Glorify' having a child at 17. No one needed to use the word 'glory' or 'glorified'
OPs age is irrelevant. It is the age of the sisters that seems to be the issue here.
OP will probably have to go with her mothers wishes, however, it all seems a bit petty.

Stillunexpected · 23/09/2015 15:11

I think as your pregnancy progresses and once you have given birth, you will find fare more important things to worry about than what your little sisters are going to be called.

Sigma33 · 23/09/2015 15:12

DD (age 8) has recently become an aunty thanks to teenage half-sis. She loves being an 'aunty' - why on earth would it hurt her mental health? It makes her feel special, and reinforces that she hasn't 'lost' her big sis to the baby, the baby is an addition. I doubt the baby will grow up calling her Aunty X.

I wouldn't want her following big sis's footsteps, but I talk with her about why I don't think her sister's choices were very smart, and the drawbacks of having a baby as a teenager - also that it is unreasonable to choose to have a baby that other people are forced to pay for (very different from OP as big sis & boyf haven't finished school and don't have jobs). That she wouldn't like it if someone came up to her in the street and demanded her pocket money so they could buy their baby's nappies, which is in effect what big sis & boyf have done.

But I make it clear that of course we still love big sis and love the baby, that you can love someone even if you don't agree with their choices.

Booyaka · 23/09/2015 15:17

They're still so young it really is up to your Mum. They don't understand how the world is and she has their best interests at heart. Right or wrong there are some judgemental people out there and she may well be right to protect them from that. It's her call alone.

Patapouf · 23/09/2015 15:18

It wasn't me gotta!!!! It was the OP Ffs.

I think her age is probably very important because it's probably a contributing factor to her DMs attitude.

dodobookends · 23/09/2015 15:25

I just can't make sense of it.

No, neither can I. Can't quite believe that your mother seems more concerned about whether or not your sisters will be called 'aunties' than she is about you having a miscarriage and getting pregnant again so soon.

PingpongDingDong · 23/09/2015 15:27

If you want an honest opinion I agree with your mum. I just think that little children of 6 and 7 don't need to be referred to as aunties or uncles. Yes, they technically are but I just think it's odd to go on about it. I say that as one who had several aunties and uncles who were around 8 years older than me. I always called them by their first names. I teach some young children who have nieces and nephews in the same school but they don't call them "Aunty Sarah" or whatever. It just seems a bit strange.

I'd say to them "yes, you are basically the baby's aunties but we're not going to call you that because you are still little girls too."

I agree very much with what Stillunexpected said too. I worried incessantly about all sorts of little things like this when I was pregnant and when DD was born they mostly became insignificant and all worked themselves out or I just had too much else to worry about!

TenForward82 · 23/09/2015 15:35

gotta we get it, don't stigmatise young mothers, etc etc. I was hypothesising that that is what the OP's mother might be feeling, I didn't say I feel that way. However, I do in fact believe it's a very rare 17 year old who is mature enough to parent a child (and all the difficulties and mind-fucks that that entails), so no, it shouldn't be normalised or glorified. I stand by my word choice.

I think the OP's age is very relevant given that it's likely what is causing her mother to feel this way. But since the OP has chosen to ask us instead of her mother, we don't really know.

Original poster
Lickalolly · 23/09/2015 15:35

Again with the age scenario, it's rather tedious since there's nothing my implying I cannot provide for my child or make a decent living apart from the stigma of my age.

I don't see how you can be 'too young' to be an Aunty. Years ago, families had many children and once their daughters were married off, they could very well be having their first baby and their own mother isn't on to her last yet.

Like Someone has said, it reinforces the fact that the child isn't replacing my siblings and that they're a very special figure in their life. I can't see how it's a 'responsibility', as if a child or 6/7 would see it as that anyway, 5 minutes after looking at the baby they'll probably be off playing.

OP posts:
PingpongDingDong · 23/09/2015 15:38

I honestly don't understand why it's such a big deal to you. Sorry, I know I came down on the side of your mum but I can't see why you are so dead set on it.

TenForward82 · 23/09/2015 15:40

Years ago, families had many children and once their daughters were married off, they could very well be having their first baby and their own mother isn't on to her last yet.

It's 2015. We have birth control and 16+ education now. Yay for us!

I still think the issue isn't your sisters being too young to be an aunty, it's that your mum thinks you're too young to be a mum. But, as I keep implying, you won't know unless you ask.

Unless this isn't an AIBU but is in fact just a rant?

Original poster
Lickalolly · 23/09/2015 15:43

It means a lot to me to let them have their wish and be called Aunty (like they've asked), because my own insecurity deep down wants this situation to remain as normal as possible, and I don't want to feel like this child is their brother/sister. I know perhaps the relationship will roll out that way, and that's fab that they're so close and more like cousins, but it just means a lot to me.

OP posts:
Patapouf · 23/09/2015 15:44

Why would they think you're having a baby to replace them though? You aren't their mother so I can't see why this would occur to them

Theycallmemellowjello · 23/09/2015 15:45

You say that you rarely see your siblings. Your mum then presumably knows them better than you, and thinks that being called aunty might have a harmful impact on them. You really have to respect her judgment on this one.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/09/2015 15:48

Maybe part of your mum's concern is the pace with which all this is going? Involving a 6 and 7-year-old in what the baby will call them when you're only 4 weeks pregnant and recently experienced a miscarriage could be seen as upsetting for your sisters: they're very young to be having to make sense of there being a baby coming and then not being a baby and then there being a baby coming again.

It's unlikely they'll see the baby as a sibling - you don't live at home and presumably haven't for some time, it's a completely different dynamic.

Original poster
Lickalolly · 23/09/2015 15:49

The whole thing just sounds pathetic.

"My daughters being referred to as aunties will harm their mental health".

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 23/09/2015 15:50

Xpost - You say that you "don't want to feel like this child is their brother/sister". This implies you are expecting something different from them - are you sure that's really fair? Also you say that this means a lot to you, and your own insecurity - to be blunt I think this is one area where you have to put your own feelings aside. Your insecurity shouldn't come into how you treat your siblings, and your mum is right to recognise that and act in their best interests (as she sees them).

Patapouf · 23/09/2015 15:51

Did they really ask to be called auntie or was that suggested to them? If you have your own household they won't feel as if it's their brother/sister.

Fwiw I have an aunt who isn't that much older than me and she has always gone by her actual name. We knew she was our aunt, not our sibling and we had a perfectly normal aunt-niece relationship.

I think you are right that you are projecting an insecurity here, but you really need to pick your battles. This isn't your decision.

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