Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Drama - Should I support my DH or my DB?

148 replies

Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 12:20

My DB and his fianc? planned an elaborate wedding for next year, and asked my 2yo DD to be a flower girl. But then they got pregnant, so they have rushed the date of the wedding forward to next month. My future SiL has decided that this hurried wedding is now going to be child free, and so has disinvited my DD. My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition, saying that they have bigger problems to solve.

The new wedding date clashes with a reserve forces training weekend my DH was due to attend. At first my DH was willing to miss the training weekend in order to attend the wedding, but now we?ve been told that our daughter is disinvited my DH is saying that if his daughter?s not going then he?s not going either, and he is going to continue with his previous intention of attending the training weekend. If my DH does not attend the wedding, then my DB?s plans for an honour guard at the door of the church will fall apart, as my DH was going to organise it. Also if my DH does not attend my parents and my future SIL will never forget or forgive. I secretly admire my DH for taking a stand. I?m struggling to supress my fury at my DDs disinvitation, but for my DB?s sake have promised not to make a fuss.

So WIBU to insist my DH attends the wedding, which will create great tension between us? (and mess up his Squadron?s training plan, which he?s been working on improving for months.)

Or do support my DH?s decision to miss the wedding, pointing out he had a prior commitment, and so create tension between me and my parents, DB and future SiL?

OP posts:
winchester1 · 23/09/2015 12:23

He dh misses his training weekend does it affect the rest of his squadron if so id say he has commitments already and leave it at that.

What can you do with DD - can you attend if your dh is busy?

ChessieFL · 23/09/2015 12:24

Your DH already has plans, just tell your DB and SIL that DH can't make their rearranged date. You don't need to bring the issue of your DD into it (although I think it is mean of them to disinvite her).

They need to expect that not everyone will be able to make a rearranged date only a month away and that this could have an impact on some of the things they wanted to do.

OneDay103 · 23/09/2015 12:25

Your Db and so late extremely horrible to exclude your dd even as a guest. Truly horrible. She's just not some distant relative is she. I would fully support your dh.
They need him for their benefit while at the same time insulting him? No ways would I pander to this.

tootsalina · 23/09/2015 12:27

Don't go and tell them that DH has plans and as DD is uninvited you will have to look after her.
Personally I wouldn't attend a family wedding if my DC weren't invited. They are as much a part of the family as I am.

BarbarianMum · 23/09/2015 12:28

I think it's fine for your dh not to be able to make it. In fact I'd assume he'd be at home looking after your disinvited dd.

I notice it is your dSiL and parents who'd never forgive him, not your db.

ReRegRhonda · 23/09/2015 12:28

I think it's awful to uninvite your dd. I'd be on dh's side. Presumably all the family would be at the wedding so in your position I'd be stating lack of childcare as a reason not to go.

Pranmasghost · 23/09/2015 12:29

Support your dh in this. I am sure everyone will understand that he has a genuine and important previous engagement.

SurlyValentine · 23/09/2015 12:29

I think you should support your DH. His non-attendance is down to a prior commitment, and your DB and STBSiL should realise that it's they who have changed the date of the wedding, so no bad feeling should ensue from anyone now unable to attend.

I think they are being mean disinviting your DD though. How much would a two year old cost to feed? Hmm

Bolograph · 23/09/2015 12:30

Your husband is spot on. Your brother needs to grow a backbone. Your prospective. sister in law sounds hard work.

My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition

Twat.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 23/09/2015 12:30

Thats truly shocking! I would have to say something.

dustarr73 · 23/09/2015 12:30

Dont go and support your dh,they changed the date and type of wedding.They cant have a hissy fit over it.Plus your dh has a propor engagement that cant be changed and if your db wont stand up to his gf there is nothing you can do about it.

AuntieStella · 23/09/2015 12:31

I'd say support your DH, but stand as clear as you can. It's up to him to smooth things over with his DB.

Accept the invitation just for yourself, and if anyone questions your DH's absence, do not get drawn in beyond 'he had to do XX, you'll need to ask him about it'.

I'd discourage DH from linking his choice to stick with prior arranged event to the marrying couple's new invitation list. Even in private. For the slightest hint of 'I'll come only if you do this' really will start a feud.

EatDessertFirst · 23/09/2015 12:31

I'd back your DH the whole way on this one.

The uninviting of your DD is very mean. If it was always going to be a childfree wedding then fair enough but to uninvite at the last minute seems terribly rude. Child-included/child-free weddings always divide MN, but for context, I wouldn't attend my DBs wedding if my children were not invited so I see where you are coming from.

dustarr73 · 23/09/2015 12:33

Prior engagement

lighteningirl · 23/09/2015 12:33

Dh has a previous engagement so can't go no arguments no one's fault just circumstance. I would try to arrange childcare at least for the day it is your db wedding so even tho they seem to have gone seriously bridezilla I would still want to go (and poss have a dc and dh free day). I would 100% have a friends 2 year old in this circumstance wouldn't you?

sliceofsoup · 23/09/2015 12:33

SIL created the tension when she disinvited her niece.

I think you are wrong to not make a fuss about that. They started off this chain of events, and if you don't speak up your DH will take the blame for something that isn't his fault.

blackteaplease · 23/09/2015 12:33

If it were me, I would be really miffed about this. I would say that due to prior commitments DH will not be attending. I wouldn't insist that he attends.

Are you able to get childcare for your dd? Would your PIL be able to help? If so I would go to the wedding alone, but if no childcare can be arranged I would rsvp to say that unfortunately you cannot attend due to childcare issues.

FWIW, I missed one of my DB's weddings due to short notice and childcare issues (2 weeks notice is not enough!) and attended my other DB's wedding alone as it was on a weekday and DH is a teacher.

Original poster
Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 12:33

I can't claim no childcare as a reason for non attendance because I do still want to attend the wedding, and I have babysitters, childminder and friends who could look after DD.

If DH misses the training weekend it would definitely mess up the squadron's training.

You're all unanimous in supporting my DH.
Wish me luck in the ensuing storm with my parents when they hear about this!

OP posts:
tootsalina · 23/09/2015 12:33

My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition
And that will set the tone for their whole marriage...
He needs to grow a pair and stand up to her.

MTPurse · 23/09/2015 12:33

I would be in full support of you DH on this.

ArendelleQueen · 23/09/2015 12:34

Back your DH. He has a commitment. The SIL will have to get over it.

squoosh · 23/09/2015 12:35

Who will be looking after your daughter now she's no longer invited?

squoosh · 23/09/2015 12:35

Ah you've just answered that.

BertPuttocks · 23/09/2015 12:35

Your dh has already made a commitment to his squadron. That takes priority.

It seems to be that your brother only wants your family members there as decorations rather than for themselves. Dd is only worthy of an invitation if she's a flower girl. Dh is only worthy if he arranges a guard of honour.

I'd support your dh over your shallow brother and future SIL.

Investmentspaidout · 23/09/2015 12:36

I would back my DH 100% and disinviting a child is just shit.