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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Drama - Should I support my DH or my DB?

148 replies

Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 12:20

My DB and his fianc? planned an elaborate wedding for next year, and asked my 2yo DD to be a flower girl. But then they got pregnant, so they have rushed the date of the wedding forward to next month. My future SiL has decided that this hurried wedding is now going to be child free, and so has disinvited my DD. My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition, saying that they have bigger problems to solve.

The new wedding date clashes with a reserve forces training weekend my DH was due to attend. At first my DH was willing to miss the training weekend in order to attend the wedding, but now we?ve been told that our daughter is disinvited my DH is saying that if his daughter?s not going then he?s not going either, and he is going to continue with his previous intention of attending the training weekend. If my DH does not attend the wedding, then my DB?s plans for an honour guard at the door of the church will fall apart, as my DH was going to organise it. Also if my DH does not attend my parents and my future SIL will never forget or forgive. I secretly admire my DH for taking a stand. I?m struggling to supress my fury at my DDs disinvitation, but for my DB?s sake have promised not to make a fuss.

So WIBU to insist my DH attends the wedding, which will create great tension between us? (and mess up his Squadron?s training plan, which he?s been working on improving for months.)

Or do support my DH?s decision to miss the wedding, pointing out he had a prior commitment, and so create tension between me and my parents, DB and future SiL?

OP posts:

squoosh · 23/09/2015 13:11

I think it would be unnecessarily hissy for her to skip her brother's wedding over this. Yes it's annoying behaviour but it doesn't mean it needs to go from 0 - 100 on the drama scale.

squoosh · 23/09/2015 13:13

Have nothing to do with them beyond exchanging Christmas cards

Do people really cut contact over this kind of thing? Whatever happened to talking things through and then moving past it!

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 23/09/2015 13:15

Agree with everyone else. Support your dh and dd.

Say dh has plans (he does) and as suggested above that you can no longer come as dd disinvited because you will have to look after her.

Tbh i would have concerns about your db marrying someone he dares not argue with!

JawannaDrink · 23/09/2015 13:15

To everyone saying the DH had an important prior engagement etc....didn't you notice that he was happy to not go to that when the toddler was invited? So how important can it be, really?

Sounds like a lot of petulant foot stamping on all sides, tbh. Bride is U, groom is U, OP and her DH are also U (if my 2 year old isn't going I'm not going either is rather childish and unnecessary posturing).

Meh, the wedding isn't really important since its unlikely they'll last long, but they can invite who they like, and attendees can go or not. Not really worth all the fuss, imo.

gingercat12 · 23/09/2015 13:17

Even if it is a child-free wedding, surely they could make an exception for their niece. We flat-out declined an invite from a scary relative of ours when DS was not invited (we simply could not travel to the other end of the country and leave DS with anyone, when all our family was at said event). My dear MIL got on the case as well, and DS was suddenly invited. MILs and DMs can be very effective in firmly but determinedly sorting things out. In our family anyway.

squoosh · 23/09/2015 13:17

Say dh has plans (he does) and as suggested above that you can no longer come as dd disinvited because you will have to look after her.

No. Don't do this OP. It will make you look like a big baby.

Original poster

Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 13:19

My brother is in the reserve forces.
He delegated the guard organising to my husband because it is a lot of work to organise / persuade the quartermaster to issue the swords and correct type of uniforms.
I met my DH because he used to be in the same squadron as my brother. So my brother introduced me to my now husband.

OP posts:

WhatchaMaCalllit · 23/09/2015 13:20

Quote - "My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition"...can I be so bold as to ask what her current condition is (I did read that she is pregnant) - is it Bridezilla condition???

I'd 100% go with what your DH is saying. If they wanted an honour guard and the only way that they could get that is by having your DH there, and he can't go to this rescheduled and earlier wedding day due to committments made to his squadron, then they go without the honour guard. To be honest, I always thought that a guard of honour was only done at funerals and not weddings...

As for disinviting your DD. I'd actually consider a complete family boycot of the wedding for doing that. Just because they want the wedding sooner shouldn't mean that previous appointed roles get thrown aside as no longer necessary.

100% behind your DH on this one.
now I'll get back to reading the rest of the thread

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 23/09/2015 13:22

Don't fall out over this, really. Your brother might have his work cut out with all this and terrible in-laws on top. Be there for him. And at a convenient moment point out dis-inviting your DD was silly and unkind. It's not good but not worth losing your brother (and future nephew/niece) over. It's also possible SIL will apologise once she has her own child and gets it more.

meditrina · 23/09/2015 13:25

Your DH could still arrange for the swords and uniforms to be available, though they'll probably need to be signed out to someone who will be there.

Of course if it's the same unit, and they're all on exercise, it'll go wrong because of the date. Not because of your DH's specifically. He'll know that training can't just be rearranged, especially if full-timers have been stiffed into giving up their time to support the exercise.

Or DB will just have to get his bestie from his current unit to sort it instead.

Witchend · 23/09/2015 13:25

An honour guard when not actually in or having been in the forces is a bit pretense isn't it. I'm struggling to explain, but it feels a bit perhaps insulting to those who deserve it.

On the dd point of view I suspect your dd was asked simply because they thought you'd kick off I her niece was asked and yours wasn't. As her niece isn't doing it any more there's no need for yours.

I'm not sure I'd really be that worried. At 2yo she won't care. And if you're on your own you'll spend the wedding rushing round making sure she's in the right place, not dropping ice cream down her dress just before the photos etc. So actually finding someone to look after her will mean you can enjoy your db's wedding.

LineyReborn · 23/09/2015 13:25

I'd expect the blokes to sort it out between them.

Pistols at dawn or tequila shots or something.

pigsDOfly · 23/09/2015 13:26

So the bride's SIL can throw a hissy fit and not turn up because it's inconvenient for one of her children but if your DH, who has a valid prior engagement that he cannot get out of without letting other people down, doesn't come your parents are going to be annoyed.

This all sounds too much like hard work to me.

Back your DH and just tell them he won't/can't come as he's busy on that day and you'll be coming on your own.

You don't have to justify yourself or your DH to anyone. Never apologise, never explain is very appropriate in these circumstances.

RaspberryOverload · 23/09/2015 13:26

DB and SIL chose to move the wedding. They need to accept that their choice means plans have to be altered. OP's parents need to realise you can't expect everyone to revolve around this wedding at this short notice.

Disinviting the OP's DD, just because the other niece was not going was mean.

Theycallmemellowjello · 23/09/2015 13:26

Disinviting DD is not great, but at the same time since she's 2 I doubt she will realise she is missing out? It would be a different matter with a 4 year old, but here I think there's relatively little harm done. I think that it is petty of your DH to refuse to attend because of the snub to your DD. Fair enough if his work makes it impossible, but it doesn't sound like that is what it is. I think he's being selfish, particularly because it's the relationship with YOUR family that he's jeopardising. Personally, I would never consider jeopardising my DH's relationship with his family for a reason like this - it's creepy to try to isolate your spouse from their family. But at the same time, since he has a prior commitment, and if he won't compromise (something that would be a major red flag for me personally) then hopefully you can just present it as something it would be 100% impossible to get out of and hope that no rift is caused.

Witchend · 23/09/2015 13:28

Sorry x-post, scrub out the bit about the honour guard, I'd read it as your db wasn't in the reserves which is why your dp had to organise it.

NotMeUsNotIWe · 23/09/2015 13:29

As you have plenty of childcare options for DD on the day I think it would be petty if you yourself didn't attend your own brothers wedding (even if you are understandably a bit annoyed with the messing about).

Regarding DH it is his choice to go or not and I'm not sure why you're so concerned about your parents reaction to that? After all you are not your husbands keeper and while generally it would be expected that both of you attend, on this occasion the plans were changed by the B&G, nobody else. It's all sounding a bit more dramatic than it needs to be.

ChatEnOeuf · 23/09/2015 13:32

I'm with your DH too. He has an important prior commitment. Sucks he can't make it, but he wasn't the one who rearranged the wedding.

If your DB wants a guard of honour at his wedding and he's buggered up the organisation of it by moving the date, it's up to him to sort that mess out, or suck it up and not have one.

I'm really sad for your DD though. Though a little older, my DD is going to be a flower girl next year and she is SO excited. If someone took that from her I'd be pretty mad. In the interests of family harmony I'd still pitch up to the wedding, but I'd not put myself out in any other way.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 23/09/2015 13:38

It's a prior commitment - and not a flaky one either. I'd support DH. I'd also be miffed with my family, and tell them so. Your DB's own niece not invited! Don't let them lay the guilt on you.

squoosh · 23/09/2015 13:41

It's a little flaky in that he was able to miss the training weekend when he thought his daughter was still invited.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/09/2015 13:41

I don't know, I hear what everyone is saying but I think close family wedding trumps a training day - especially since your DH and DBro have a history - they have a friendship, they are not just future BILs who have met a few times IYSWIM. And your DBro will presumably only have one wedding day, whereas there are plenty of opportunities for training days in someone's life. Even though it is a pain and inconvenient for DH to miss or rearrange this particular one.

The DD thing is unfortunate but ultimately it is their wedding and as you hear so often on here, their choice.

Leave the bridezilla SIL out of your thoughts on it. This is your brother. He is getting married. Of course you and DH should be there if you possibly can.

Hoppinggreen · 23/09/2015 13:46

squoosh the wedding was originally another weekend when the DH didn't have other plans. He isn't not going just because his dd isn't invited he has a prior commitment the weekend they've moved it to.

Fissues · 23/09/2015 13:48

Initially I thought that if your DH was willing to miss training, it would be a not petty not to go because dd was uninvited. Now that you've posted she's only uninvited because SILs niece can't make it, I'd wholeheartedly support your it DH in missing the wedding.

that people can be so ridiculous

blackteaplease · 23/09/2015 13:49

I just re-read the OP. It does state that the DH was happy to miss the training weekend for the rearranged wedding but changed his mind when he found out that their dd was not invited.

That does seem a bit petty, but it is his decision to make. I stick with my advice that you attend without DH.

squoosh · 23/09/2015 13:50

Hopping but the OP says in her opening post that he was willing to skip the training when they moved the date but only decided to go on the training weekend when daughter's invite was taken away.

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