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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Drama - Should I support my DH or my DB?

148 replies

Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 12:20

My DB and his fianc? planned an elaborate wedding for next year, and asked my 2yo DD to be a flower girl. But then they got pregnant, so they have rushed the date of the wedding forward to next month. My future SiL has decided that this hurried wedding is now going to be child free, and so has disinvited my DD. My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition, saying that they have bigger problems to solve.

The new wedding date clashes with a reserve forces training weekend my DH was due to attend. At first my DH was willing to miss the training weekend in order to attend the wedding, but now we?ve been told that our daughter is disinvited my DH is saying that if his daughter?s not going then he?s not going either, and he is going to continue with his previous intention of attending the training weekend. If my DH does not attend the wedding, then my DB?s plans for an honour guard at the door of the church will fall apart, as my DH was going to organise it. Also if my DH does not attend my parents and my future SIL will never forget or forgive. I secretly admire my DH for taking a stand. I?m struggling to supress my fury at my DDs disinvitation, but for my DB?s sake have promised not to make a fuss.

So WIBU to insist my DH attends the wedding, which will create great tension between us? (and mess up his Squadron?s training plan, which he?s been working on improving for months.)

Or do support my DH?s decision to miss the wedding, pointing out he had a prior commitment, and so create tension between me and my parents, DB and future SiL?

OP posts:

IndridCold · 23/09/2015 13:50

They sound very self absorbed and selfish.

If your DH is going to be such a vital element to the wedding, they should have checked with him before setting the new date. Common courtesy, and I don't see why your DH should cancel his training weekend.

The flower girl issue is more understandable, let it go.

Go to the wedding on your own,

derxa · 23/09/2015 13:51

I agree with Hearts. Family comes first but then I am very traditional and probably much older. Your poor DB and your poor little DD. A training weekend does not rank above a family wedding. Why are people always advised not to go to weddings/parties/christenings etc. on MN? These occasions are often to be endured rather than enjoyed. My DH travelled over 300 miles and spent his annual holiday for my father's funeral. The two of them were estranged but he did it out of respect.

squeaver · 23/09/2015 13:52

So someone on the bride's side of the wedding (the niece) has a prior commitment and can't make it, just like your DH.

If he came, he would be letting down other people. Unfortunately that means they can't have the honour guard. Shame, but shit happens. You will, of course, attend.

I wouldn't bring up the stuff about your dd, annoying as it is. It will turn it into a major drama. If people ask where she is on the day, you can tell them - and win the moral high ground.

Theycallmemellowjello · 23/09/2015 13:55

I agree with Hearts and Derxa, a training weekend is less important than a close family members wedding!

Also, I think that if the flowergirl issue is rankling with your DH it would be fairer to address it with your SIL before deciding that she is selfish and horrible. She might genuinely think that it would not matter either way about DD and not realise you are so bothered by it. Yes, ideally she should have consulted you to make sure, but failing to do this does not make her evil, just a bit of an idiot on this occasion. I'd ring her up and tell her how upset your DH is about the issue.

fuzzpig · 23/09/2015 13:56

I'm with your DH

CrapBag · 23/09/2015 14:00

Sorry but I'd be telling your SIL where to go. How mean firstly for your DD not be flower girl as they originally said but to also disinvite her altogether. If this was my ILs (from your DH's point of view) I wouldn't change my arrangements either. I'd also be giving my brother a piece of my mind about his own niece not being allowed to go just because the brides niece can no longer attend.

SIL sounds like a piece of work. On no account should your DH change his plans and it's got bugger all to do with your parents so they should but out.

rumbleinthrjungle · 23/09/2015 14:02

Reading the OPs posts it sounds as if her dh could have arranged to miss the training weekend at considerable inconvenience to himself and the rest of his squadron, however he would be prepared to do this for a full family event. I can see why he no longer feels inclined to go to a lot of trouble on their behalf, or put other people to trouble on their behalf. That doesn't seem petty to me at all.

If db is also reserves he's going to understand that dh has a prior commitment and that it isn't a casual one, and if his organising the honour guard was that important they would have consulted him when arranging the reorganised date.

Dh goes training, dd goes to childminder, unfortunately you get stuck being polite to Bridezilla all day OP. No one has any reason to spit out the dummy, no apologies or explanations needed, it's just a case of 'yes, quite understand you had to change your date, shame dh won't be able to come but I'll look forward to it'.

Original poster

Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 14:03

Luckily my DD does not know what she's missing.
although I grind my teeth about the fact that my future SiL has already bought her flower girl dress. Luckily my DD has not seen the dress. Hopefully she'll get the dress afterwards for dress up.

OP posts:

ChunkyPickle · 23/09/2015 14:03

Hearts/derxa - the trouble is that a training day in the reserves is rather more important than it sounds - they're reserves, so it's generally weekends and evenings, and if it's like when my family members were in, you have to attend x amount (a high amount) in order to qualify for your bounty (and extra, not insignificant payment)

This isn't like training on the local bike team, it's more like a fireman's required training.

InimitableJeeves · 23/09/2015 14:03

So is your DB also missing the training? And will the honour guard be available anyway if they're meant to be training? Certainly if the Quartermaster is involved he's unlikely to be keen on being distracted by supplying uniform and equipment for a wedding.

But it seems to me your trump card is the fact that the bride's SIL isn't going. If they can accept that, they can't make a fuss about the absence of the groom's BIL.

MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2015 14:04

Normally stuff like this wouldn't bother me, I tend to leave people to their own neurosis, but I'm kind of with you DH on this.

Why is your DDs invite dependent on the brides niece coming?

Would her niece have been uninvited if things were reversed?

It's all very petty and oddly competitive, I don't blame your DH for not wanting to be part of it.

Littlef00t · 23/09/2015 14:06

presumably no-one will be free for the honour guard, and even if there are, without DH there to organise everyone on the day, there won't be anyone who could do it instead so it won't happen.

I truly think that getting your DH to offer to organise the honour guard before the day but to be away on the day would be a lovely gesture and go a long way.

derxa · 23/09/2015 14:06

Chunky I understand. Does this always happen? Under what circumstances would it be acceptable to miss the training?

Original poster

Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 14:09

A previous gem fom my future Sil's SiL was that under the old plan, my babysitter would have looked after all the neices during the dinner, in an upstairs room. The SiL suggested that my babysitter might not be good enough for her daughters. She did (to be fair) back down from that though!

OP posts:

dinkystinky · 23/09/2015 14:10

I'm with your DH OP - if the entire family isn't attending, then his prior commitment should stand. And an honour guard at a wedding when its taking place in a month sounds like a huge ask, so I'd be knocking that on the head too. If your brother, SIL or parents make a fuss, simply direct them to DH - he is an adult and able to express himself, don't get caught in the middle.

ExitPursuedByABear · 23/09/2015 14:15

I am bitterly disappointed that I have never had any sort of wedding drama.

MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2015 14:21

Gosh your poor brother. I suspect he will spend much of his life having to 'handle' the petty situations this side of the family create.

It wouldn't be a bad thing to show you won't put up with their nonsense from the start, especially when it involves your DD.

thelittleredhen · 23/09/2015 14:22

ExitPursuedByABear - I had enough over my DB's wedding for the both of us! The worst part is that they are already nearly breaking up 3 months after the wedding! I would have told him she's an immature bitch, he didn't have to spend all of that money on a wedding to find out for himself!

squoosh · 23/09/2015 14:24

Exit pick a guest at random, phone them up and say 'you looked awful in that pink taffeta you wore to my wedding. Just thought I'd share that with you after all these years.'

reni2 · 23/09/2015 14:24

Wishing you luck with this one, I'd support dh in this, too.

Future SIL is going to give you material for many AIBUs.

rollmeover · 23/09/2015 14:26

Honestly, I would be thinking about preserving my relationship with my brother because this marriage sounds like it is not going to be great fun!

DH goes to his pre-arranged plans, DD to childcare for a short time, you attend service and meal then leave. Your DB gets a flea in his ear about how utterly ridiculous the situation is and then you all get on with it.

derxa · 23/09/2015 14:30

Why don't you and your DH go to the wedding and then draw a line under it.
No more concessions to really shitty behaviour by SIL in the future.

Rainbunny · 23/09/2015 14:30

Actually I think you should calm down a bit about the change in wedding plans. The circumstances have changed (future SIL's pregnancy) and while it isn't nice to be disinvited you have mentioned that your dd is unaware of the whole thing anyway, so you are choosing to be offended because you don't like your future sil.

As for your dh, well he has a prior commitment so he should choose to either keep his original commitment or go to the wedding, that's the risk people take when they change wedding dates. Your future sil/db would be unreasonable to complain, especially if your future sil's own sister has also stated that she can't make the new wedding date.

Stompylongnose · 23/09/2015 14:37

I'd support your h's training session and attend the wedding alone to support your brother. It's the fairest compromise in what will be the first of many when having to deal with your brother and his wife.

As for your parents- you're an adult and you can explain to them that the bride's sil couldn't make it and sadly nor could the groom's bil. By changing the date without consulting key people is inevitably going to result in people not being able to come.

DontStopBelievin · 23/09/2015 14:40

No children weddings are ace. However, you can't invite someone and then change your mind and dis-invite them.
Rude!

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