Wedding Drama - Should I support my DH or my DB?

[Polyethyl]

My DB and his fianc? planned an elaborate wedding for next year, and asked my 2yo DD to be a flower girl. But then they got pregnant, so they have rushed the date of the wedding forward to next month. My future SiL has decided that this hurried wedding is now going to be child free, and so has disinvited my DD. My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition, saying that they have bigger problems to solve.

The new wedding date clashes with a reserve forces training weekend my DH was due to attend. At first my DH was willing to miss the training weekend in order to attend the wedding, but now we?ve been told that our daughter is disinvited my DH is saying that if his daughter?s not going then he?s not going either, and he is going to continue with his previous intention of attending the training weekend. If my DH does not attend the wedding, then my DB?s plans for an honour guard at the door of the church will fall apart, as my DH was going to organise it. Also if my DH does not attend my parents and my future SIL will never forget or forgive. I secretly admire my DH for taking a stand. I?m struggling to supress my fury at my DDs disinvitation, but for my DB?s sake have promised not to make a fuss.

So WIBU to insist my DH attends the wedding, which will create great tension between us? (and mess up his Squadron?s training plan, which he?s been working on improving for months.)

Or do support my DH?s decision to miss the wedding, pointing out he had a prior commitment, and so create tension between me and my parents, DB and future SiL?

I am very pro child free weddings. However part of that is accepting that if you don't invite children it might mean having to accept some of the adult guests don't/can't come.

Arranging a wedding date at short notice might mean people can't come too.

So your husband is well within his rights to say no. I would support your husband in this instance. Your parents, brother and future sister in law will have to grow up and accept it. The oft repeated mantra of "its an invitation not a summons" comes to mind!

You should still go to the wedding but your DH shouldn't have to if he no longer wants to.

OK, then you arrange childcare and attend the wedding alone and DH goes to his training. It's the only compromise that can be made in the circumstances.

I think think they are being mean to go from bridesmaid to NFI but I would want to attend my brother's wedding if possible.

Cross post, I would hope that your parents would understand.

All power to your elbow.

Your SIL doesn't have kids so she doesn't get why this is an issue. And pg hormones may be making her mental. They made me mental.anyway, do you even know why it is now child free? My wedding venue charged per child as if they were an adult. We went child free for this reason, we simply couldn't afford all the kids. With their own child on the way they may need to save some money. Who knows?
If your daughter is only two will she even know or care she is not invited? My memory of being a kid at weddings was of utter boredom.
This will cause a rift, and no amount of telling yourself you are in the right will change that. Frankly I think it is not worth a long term bad relationship over something that doesn't really seem to matter very much. Personally, I'd go and enjoy a day free of the kids.

I think your DH should go to the wedding and enjoy the day together.
It's not worth a big family feud.

Another vote for your DH.
It's already booked in his diary.

Whilst I can understand a hurried wedding being childfree for the majority of guests I can't understand the grooms own niece not being invited and I am very pro child free weddings!

Your parents should be in uproar at the snub to their granddaughter, not their SonIL committing to a prior engagement.

I would also support your DH. The date was changed and he already had an arrangement booked.

On another note. Your DB needs to man up and what is it with your parents?

Personally, I would speak to your parents, explaining that DH cannot will not be able to change the date as this is training for the reserve forces and that dear SIL will have to re think her ideas. I would also tell them of your disappointment, that they are basically siding with your DB/SIL and using emotional blackmail to bully him into doing what they want. I would lastly remind them that you are their daughter too and that if they don't support the both of you with this basically stay impartial, then you will not forget nor forgive.

what a pair of spoiled brats. They've changed the date so the person who was going to organise part of the show can't make it.

oh well. That's life. Live with it.

neither a wedding nor a pregnancy are valid excuses for being such arses.

I am v cross on your behalf re demoting your DD. That seems very mean! I would support your DH in the circumstances. Good luck!

Yeah DH has a commitment and he shouldn't muck up his squadrons training. Do not like your DDs uninvitation to DH not attending though.

Just say unfortunately DH has a prior commitment but you're really looking forward to the wedding and will be attending on your own.

Your DH can't make that day due to a prior long-standing commitment. Your daughter can't make that day due to not being invited. It's already caused a rift, whether it will get worse if you don't go is difficult to say.

As for the honour guard, presumably either the bride or groom is in the services and will arrange it themselves. If neither are in the services, why have one?

The reason it's gone a child free wedding is because the bride's sister in law has declared that the new date is not convenient for the bride's neice, so they are no longer coming.
So the bride has declared that if her neice aren't attending the wedding then nor will the groom's neice.

My brother does have bigger problems to solve - namely his awful future in laws.

It is weird wanting an honour guard if you're not actually in the forces.

Another vote for your husband here.

He has a prior engagement, it's clearly an important one, and quite honestly if DB and future SIL have moved the wedding date at such short notice they should be prepared for people to now have other commitments.

An ex-friend of mine moved her wedding forward at very short notice, and I was one of three friends who she ended up cutting out of her life, because we couldn't make the rearranged date. My poor excuse? I was going to be on my honeymoon. She actually told me, if I was a good friend, I'd move the honeymoon.

Weddings make some people turn batshit crazy!

If my DH does not attend the wedding, then my DB?s plans for an honour guard at the door of the church will fall apart, as my DH was going to organise it.

Is it normal to have an honour guard at your wedding if you're not military yourself? It seems strange to me and further supports the idea that your DB wants your DH there for what he can get from him...

Your DH should not be expected to mess up his squadron because they changed plans, that's unreasonable. So he can't go.

But you should definitely go. If your SIL is difficult, don't do her work for her in causing a rift with your brother (even though he is being a drip) by refusing to attend.

Be matter of fact about it with them and with your parents. Don't engage in drama, there shouldn't be any. DB and SIL changed plans suddenly, your DH can't do the new date. People who do rush weddings don't get all the elements of the wedding they might have wanted, and that should not be made to be anyone's fault.

OP I really wouldn't worry about speaking to them. Your last post says it all...if he misses it, it will mess up the squadrons training. Also, I agree you should go.

Please please think about telling your parents about how unfair and how they are basically siding with your DB/SIL.

I've just re-read your post and note you say your DB said he and his fiancé have bigger problems to deal with. What are these? Maybe they are under a lot of stress?

I would only do what Phoenix suggests if you really want to escalate things to nuclear.
it does sound like your brother and SIL to be have a lot on their plate. A presumably unplanned pg for a start, and they do seem to be suggestions that things are not well with them.
I would think really carefully about making a stand in these circumstances over something that seems quite small to me and presumably does to them too.

YANBU. I wouldn't go to the wedding, sounds bloody awful.

That sounds mental uninviting every other child because one of the nieces cannot make it.

Tell your parents your DH has prior commitments and it's not his fault that the wedding date has been changed. Ditto your brother and SIL if they didnt muck about with the dates then they could still have an honour guard. If they kick up a fuss, then thats their issue.

So the brides brother and SIL are not attending? So what does it matter if your DH, the grooms BIL does not attend? Surely it works both ways.

And why would your parents be so annoyed? Frankly it has little to do with them, they're your parents not DHs and he has prior engagements.
If they're going to be cross at anyone it should be then bride for playing tit-for-tat niece attendance

Is your SIL very young? Seems odd to uninvite one niece because other niece has declined the invitation.

I'm with your dh here. He has a commitment already. I'm not convinced I'd go to be honest, they sound like hard work!

Sounds like it's going to be a FUN day!

Awful how weddings seem to bring out the absolute worst in some people! Sorry not helpful.

Another vote for DH. Its not fair for him to let his squadron down.

So the bride has declared that if her neice aren't attending the wedding then nor will the groom's neice.

Have nothing to do with them beyond exchanging Christmas cards. They're crazy, and the drama will never end.