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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Drama - Should I support my DH or my DB?

148 replies

Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 12:20

My DB and his fianc? planned an elaborate wedding for next year, and asked my 2yo DD to be a flower girl. But then they got pregnant, so they have rushed the date of the wedding forward to next month. My future SiL has decided that this hurried wedding is now going to be child free, and so has disinvited my DD. My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition, saying that they have bigger problems to solve.

The new wedding date clashes with a reserve forces training weekend my DH was due to attend. At first my DH was willing to miss the training weekend in order to attend the wedding, but now we?ve been told that our daughter is disinvited my DH is saying that if his daughter?s not going then he?s not going either, and he is going to continue with his previous intention of attending the training weekend. If my DH does not attend the wedding, then my DB?s plans for an honour guard at the door of the church will fall apart, as my DH was going to organise it. Also if my DH does not attend my parents and my future SIL will never forget or forgive. I secretly admire my DH for taking a stand. I?m struggling to supress my fury at my DDs disinvitation, but for my DB?s sake have promised not to make a fuss.

So WIBU to insist my DH attends the wedding, which will create great tension between us? (and mess up his Squadron?s training plan, which he?s been working on improving for months.)

Or do support my DH?s decision to miss the wedding, pointing out he had a prior commitment, and so create tension between me and my parents, DB and future SiL?

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 23/09/2015 14:49

Oh yes you can. There was a thread a couple of days ago where a couple had been disinvited - by the groom's PA.

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 23/09/2015 14:59

Hmmmmmmmm

I'd suck it all up, bend over and attend the wedding - you and dh.
I do feel sorry for your brother in all this. Your SIL has clearly been very heavy handed and selfish but when it comes down to it, your db has a baby on the way with her and therefore has probably made a reasonable decision to go along with the demanding woman at this point in time.

I think that if your dh was prepared to rearrange and attend if your dd had still been invited then he should rearrange even though dd isn't invited. Otherwise his non attendance is out of spite/retaliation and using the training as a semi legitimate reason. Don't punish your brother for the actions of your pregnant SIL.

MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2015 15:00

I don't think OP is choosing to be offended.

Bridezilla uninviting her STBHs niece for no other reason than her own can't make it is actually quite offensive. Whether OPs DD knows or not is beside the point.

If it was down to funds or space then it would be understandable, but the childishness of the whole decision would piss me off too.

diddl · 23/09/2015 15:01

What do your parents think about their GD no longer being invited?

I do think that it's the sort of thing that you look back on & cringe.

From both sides.

Her for disinviting children because her niece can't come & OP & her husband for getting so upset on their daughter's behalf when she is oblivious(thankfully).

As Rainbunny says, it's up to your husband as he's the one with the prior commitment & no one should be angry if he can't make it.

PingpongDingDong · 23/09/2015 15:09

If you rearrange your wedding at short notice you have to accept that there could be any number of guests who can't be there. That's life. I just can't believe their audacity to be honest! Fair enough if it was a really flimsy excuse but his reason is perfectly valid.

As for the uninviting your DD, I think that's rude and pathetic. I'm with your Dh. Go to the wedding on your own if you like but if you think they will be going on and on about it to you and will make the day miserable then don't. This is not the fault of you or your DH.

Welshwabbit · 23/09/2015 15:10

OP, your SIL is obviously BU, but as your husband is apparently able to re-arrange his training I think on balance he should go. As he and your brother are friends, is it worth him explaining his predicament to your brother, and pointing out that whilst he was willing to disrupt the squadron's important training schedule (which your brother presumably understands as he is also in the reserves) for a family event, he will instead have to spend two weekends away from his daughter and he is very reluctant to do this. Put like that maybe it'll cut some ice with barmy SIL?

SenecaFalls · 23/09/2015 15:13

What Welshwabbit said.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 23/09/2015 15:29

OP what do your parents think about their DGD not being invited? Don't they want to introduce her to other family members?

I think that of course you invite all close family as it is one of the only times everyone gets together. As the years go by and I go to more funerals than weddings I look back fondly on the family weddings.

If it were my brother, I would be discussing this with him. Both my very small DDs were bridesmaids at my DB's wedding and it has always made me extra fond of my SIL that she asked them, especially as DD2 had only just learnt to walk and it was a very grand do.

frumpet · 23/09/2015 15:44

I agree with Helpmeoutofthemaze on this one . Being offended on behalf of a two year old who really couldn't give a damn whether she is there or not just seems a bit daft . You could always buy a pretty frock and make a packed lunch and take her anyway Wink

BYOSnowman · 23/09/2015 15:49

So is the brides sister going to be there?

If not, you are playing into her hands if you don't both go

Original poster
Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 15:52

I've already said that i'm not going to make a fuss about the disinviting of my DD. (venting to you lot is permissable though.)

I have also said that I am going to the wedding.

However you nest of vipers have given me the backbone to decide I am not going to argue with my DH about his decision. I will point out to both my DB and DH that how they choose to behave about this will have consequences and then I shall step back from their choices.

OP posts:
frumpet · 23/09/2015 15:57

Sorry Poly if what I said was a bit flippant re being offended about your DD , I would be upset if they had done it to my child . I think you are right though about your DB and DH , get them to sort it out amongst themselves .

blackteaplease · 23/09/2015 16:00

A wise decision OP.

squoosh · 23/09/2015 16:06

Yep. That's the best you can do in the circumstances OP. It's a shame he's digging his heels in but whether your DH attends or not is his business and anyone who takes umbrage at his absence can be told to contact him themselves.

diddl · 23/09/2015 16:08

OP, just to clarify, was yourdaughter invited to the new wedding date & then uninvited, or never invited to the new wedding date?

wowfudge · 23/09/2015 16:19

The OP stated her DD was to be a flower girl at the original wedding, but the brought forward wedding in a month's time is now child free as future SIL's niece can't make the new date. Bonkers.

MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2015 16:26

So OPs dd was only welcome to come if the bride had her own neice there.

It makes zero sense.

MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2015 16:27

Niece

diddl · 23/09/2015 16:35

"now child free as future SIL's niece can't make the new date. Bonkers."

I agtree that that reason is daft.

If it had been decided that the "new" wedding was to be child free then that would have been a little different.

That's why I was wondering if OPs daughter had been uninvited as opposed to not invited iyswim.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/09/2015 16:36

"The reason it's gone a child free wedding is because the bride's sister in law has declared that the new date is not convenient for the bride's neice, so they are no longer coming.
So the bride has declared that if her neice aren't attending the wedding then nor will the groom's neice.

My brother does have bigger problems to solve - namely his awful future in laws."^

Sheesh, where to begin Confused?

Sorry OP, but your brother's problems are bigger than his in-laws - his wife is a bit batshit too. She bans his niece, not because of anything to do with that niece but for a non-reason totally unconnected? "My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition, saying that they have bigger problems to solve." Sorry, but your brother is a spineless doormat who is destined to have a very unhappy marriage if he lies down to this sort of senseless behaviour.

They have changed the arrangements, around which other people (including your DH) have arranged other commitments. They cannot expect all those commitments to be dropped.

"Wish me luck in the ensuing storm with my parents when they hear about this!"
Why a storm? Or do they favour their over both their daughter and granddaughter? Why not a storm over son/future DIL mucking everyone else aroun?

diddl · 23/09/2015 16:39

Well yes, OPs brother should be saying that it's sad for his wife to be that her niece can't come, but his niece was still invited.

Aren't your parents pissed off with your brother, OP?

yeOldeTrout · 23/09/2015 16:42

I don't think any need to be bitter about the 2yo DD not going; it's not like the DD can mind.

I'm really glad OP is still going, her brother probably needs the support. Surely there must be someone else who could in theory organise the honour guard.

MissingPanda · 23/09/2015 18:07

I'm with your DH here. He was probably willing to make the effort when it was a family event but now part of his family has been effectively uninvited he probably no longer sees it as so. As for uninviting your DD because the niece from the other side can no longer come, that's just ridiculous and petty.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 23/09/2015 18:23

I'd tell your DH go on his weekend. At the end of the day he's an adult and if that's what he wants to do its his decision.

If your sil doesn't like it, tough.

TheTigerIsOut · 23/09/2015 18:40

I'm with your husband, if they cannot accommodate your DD, there's no reason for him to go out of his way and cancel his plans to attend the wedding. simple as that.

Guard of honour provided by your husband????? They must be jovking after excluding your DD.

If your DB really have horrible future inlaws, he may as well start sorting them out now, before he ends up alienating his own family.