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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Drama - Should I support my DH or my DB?

148 replies

Polyethyl · 23/09/2015 12:20

My DB and his fianc? planned an elaborate wedding for next year, and asked my 2yo DD to be a flower girl. But then they got pregnant, so they have rushed the date of the wedding forward to next month. My future SiL has decided that this hurried wedding is now going to be child free, and so has disinvited my DD. My DB says he dares not argue with her, in her current condition, saying that they have bigger problems to solve.

The new wedding date clashes with a reserve forces training weekend my DH was due to attend. At first my DH was willing to miss the training weekend in order to attend the wedding, but now we?ve been told that our daughter is disinvited my DH is saying that if his daughter?s not going then he?s not going either, and he is going to continue with his previous intention of attending the training weekend. If my DH does not attend the wedding, then my DB?s plans for an honour guard at the door of the church will fall apart, as my DH was going to organise it. Also if my DH does not attend my parents and my future SIL will never forget or forgive. I secretly admire my DH for taking a stand. I?m struggling to supress my fury at my DDs disinvitation, but for my DB?s sake have promised not to make a fuss.

So WIBU to insist my DH attends the wedding, which will create great tension between us? (and mess up his Squadron?s training plan, which he?s been working on improving for months.)

Or do support my DH?s decision to miss the wedding, pointing out he had a prior commitment, and so create tension between me and my parents, DB and future SiL?

OP posts:

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 23/09/2015 19:24

You are almost all wrong.

A) you both go to the wedding. In 20 years time, you and your dh will remember your SIL was a pita, maybe. But it will be immaterial.

B) you go and dh doesn't. In 20 years time, your brother and SIL may still be bitter h didn't go to their wedding and the honour guard wasn't arranged. Maybe you won't even have any contact with your brother.

TheTigerIsOut · 23/09/2015 19:29

Or c) you go to the wedding to aboid the long term problem, just to reakise this is just the beginning.

If the DB wants his family in his wedding (he is the groom here, so I suppose he might have some influence), he needs to learn to negotiate the needs of this family merge rather than expecting everyone to play to his bride's fiddle.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 23/09/2015 20:14

Your Dh is right that his prior commitment should take priority. It's a serious commitment, not like it's a golf day or something!

Don't let your parents make a mountain out of this. Just calmly explain that it's DHs job, he can't let his squadron down and he's very sad he can't make it but if the date hadn't been changed it wouldn't have been a problem.

Starkswillriseagain · 23/09/2015 21:35

I would be honest with my DB about how I felt if I secretly agreed and was pleased with my DH for standing up.

Your DB is going to end up a complete doormat to this woman and her family, especially now she's pregnant. All you can do is what you aim to, remind them of actions having consequences, be sure on going yourself but be honest with your DB about your feelings.

Sandsnake · 23/09/2015 21:37

To me the crux of this (as many others have pointed out) is that your brother really, really needs to man up. I think you need to tell him - calmly and compassionately - how upsetting it is that he and his fiancée are planning on excluding your DD (his niece!) just because her niece cannot make it. Her being pregnant is no excuse at all.

If they won't back down then you should still go (as I think you were planning to anyway). Your DH should go on his training weekend but absolutely not link it to your DD not being invited. He may want to make the point but with the attitudes it sounds like future SIL and her family have I don't think it will be worth the near inevitable
ramifications. If your brother can't stand up to SIL on the wedding issue then he may well stand by and let her freeze you and your family out in the future on the grounds of your DH's stance.

And to you. Sounds like a stressful and emotional situation.

CactusAnnie · 23/09/2015 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

contractor6 · 24/09/2015 07:30

Totally mean to promise 2yo to be flower girl then take it away, as a future parent she should understand that more than ever

SouthWesterlyWinds · 24/09/2015 07:40

You're worried about the fallout from your parents over your DH not attending. How did your parents feel when your DD was dis-invited and form those reasons?

iamanintrovert · 24/09/2015 07:49

Support DH. And the reason for disinviting your DD is crap.

trollkonor · 24/09/2015 07:55

I don't think your dh should cancel his training. It was pe-arranged, important and his absense will cause problems for others.

Is the honour guard members of the squad?

Ragwort · 24/09/2015 08:04

Absolutely support your DH; people can't change the date of the wedding and then expect everyone else to be available for the new date. . Remember when Charles & Camilla's wedding date had to be changed (clashed with the funeral of the Pope) - a handful of people just weren't free to attend the new date. .

The dis-inviting of your DD (very rude) is a separate issue. Your DH has important commitments and can't let his military colleagues down just because of some bridezilla's wishes.

fastdaytears · 24/09/2015 08:05

I think it actually really helps that your DB and DH knew each other before you met your DH. It should mean you don't have to be the go between. Leave your DH to talk to your DB, and tell your parents in no uncertain terms that you support your DH but beyond that neither you nor they need to get involved.

Gatehouse77 · 24/09/2015 08:15

I find it odd that an immediate family member has been uninvited, particularly when they were previously going to have a specific role to perform. However, given that your DD is only 2 years old and unaware I'd let it go, as you said, from a keeping the peace point of view. I'm more surprised that your parents are OK with this but maybe they're not and doing the same as you.

I can totally understand your DH's position and think that leaving him and your DB to talk it through is the better option, given their friendship. If your future SIL can't accept the conclusion they come to then that is an issue between your DB and her. I wouldn't fuel the (potential) argument by staying well out of it. With everyone, including your parents.

Families, eh. You've gotta love 'em

var123 · 24/09/2015 08:34

You are going to take this one thing and start an all our war with your DB and his new wife?

You know your SIL is difficult. Mine is too, but I want to be able to have a relationship with my DB without my SIL making him feel uncomfortable about any time he spends with me. So, I smile at her, stay polite and minimise my interaction. 15 years on and it continues to work, but if I'd said what I thought of her many bridezilla moments or ultra-preciousness about her first pregnancy, then I am certain that there would have been a family rift.

Are you sure you DD even knows what she's missing? Is it not you who is missing the opportunity to see her all dressed up and taking centre stage?

hibbleddible · 24/09/2015 08:47

I side with dh on this too.

Leaving apart the children at weddings issue, uninviting someone is incredibly rude! Even more so a family member.

Your dh had previously arranged plans, its perfectly reasonable for him not to cancel them in this situation.

var123 · 24/09/2015 08:55

The OP's DH not going is reasonable - he had a prior engagement and can't make it. No problem and anyway he doesn't really care whether he has an ongoing relationship with his BIL. The new SIl is just destined to be someone across the room at future family gatherings with his in laws.

The OP not going is a really bad idea though, unless she doesn't want a good relationship with her brother for the rest of their lives.

eddielizzard · 24/09/2015 09:00

dh goes on his training camp.
you go to wedding.
your dd has a great day being treated by childminder / whoever.

your sil is going to be one pain in the arse in future. gird your loins!

outputgap · 24/09/2015 09:06

I think DH should go. He could cancel training if he wanted to, and he would have done if he wasn't miffed about your dd being uninvited. Both of you should suck it up. It's a wedding. A really important family occasion.

I loved looking at my parent's wedding photos as a child. It would have looked very odd if one of my uncles wasn't there. I think you should both be the better people this time.

justmyview · 24/09/2015 09:21

I think that if DH declined the wedding invitation due to prior engagement, then that would be reasonable. However, he would have been willing to attend wedding if DD was invited. Now she's not invited, he's throwing his toys out of the pram. It sounds petty to me. I think he should go to the wedding

Fizrim · 24/09/2015 09:35

Was the other niece (the one that can't make it) going to be a flower girl as well and now there are no bridesmaids? It seems strange if Bridezilla has already bought the flower girl dress to not have her.

Your brother needs to sort this out, really. He's made the problem by not pointing out to his future wife how unreasonable she is being.

I would support your husband (and tbh, I probably wouldn't go if my daughter was not going). If the bride's family get away with not going, why can't your husband.

Someone needs to point out a few home truths and the likely consequences of the happy couple's actions to them. What they do after that is up to them.

Hygge · 24/09/2015 10:02

I think this shows what your future SIL thinks of your family.

Her own niece can't attend now, so she has uninvited her fiancés niece as a result.

Knowing this, I can understand why your DH has dug his heels in and said he's not prepared to change his plans after all.

Your future SIL has just made it very clear that she thinks less of your DD than her own niece.

They have the right to a child-free wedding if they want one. But banning all the other children on the basis that the one she is personally blood related to can't go now is unfair.

Even if your DH does go, I doubt this is the only time you're going to have trouble with your SIL, or the only time she lets you know that your DB's side of the family comes a very low second to her side.

var123 · 24/09/2015 11:29

I think more of my own nieces than I do of Dh's. Is that wrong? i thought it was normal.

I do treat them equally though, and I understand and respect the fact that DH feels the way about his nieces that i do about mine. I think this is where the OP's future SIL is letting herself down.

NicoleWatterson · 24/09/2015 12:14

Thank goodness your daughter isn't a wee bit older or she might have been really upset.

Your right to go and your dh is right not too. Im guessing he also knows your DB will understand about his lack of attendance and now lack of guard.
It's just how it is if you change the date

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