Flat mate woes

[MrsCorbyn]

I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…

The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.

She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.

Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.

ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.

Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.

No, saying "i only have roll on" isnt an insult.

But to call someone a minging old troll, and not wantig to say something to her IRL, well thats just a bit to me.

When you don't shower for God knows how long, subjecting everyone around you to your unpleasant odour, when you wake people up at unreasonable hours, when you show utter disregard and disrespect for their possessions and private space, when you break the rules of your tenancy and make the entire inhabitance stink of smoke, when you sponge off them for essentials...'minging old troll' is a perfectly reasonable description in a personal conversation. She's subjecting OP and others to behaviour that is selfish in the extreme and ruins their living space.

Nor do I blame OP for being frightened of confrontation. Many people are and she obviously doesn't want to make her situation even worse, although it's clear she's going to have to do something, as part of a united front with the others. And anyway, OP HAS tried talking to her, shouting at her and so on. She's living in disgusting circumstances not of her making, and you're berating her for using a mildly derogatory term when talking about it? Perhaps you would never do such a thing, in which case you can point and laugh when you get to heaven before we do, but for now we're here on earth and it's hell for OP.

OP, I have a few bad housemate stories but nothing quite this terrible (she did at least shower and didn't barge into our rooms). If the landlord really won't help, the only things I think can work are what people have suggested with regard to keeping your stuff under lock and key (including the toilet roll - awful I know, but it's the only way to protect them and stop her endless scrounging) and trying to contain her disgustingness to her own space as much as possible; throwing dirty dishes and clothes etc into her room seems perfectly reasonable, especially as she thinks she can just barge into yours.

Do keep us posted...

My door has a lock but I don't really want to have to lock myself in when I'm home...

DP is a tenant too.

She's just text to say she's been cheated on and dumped and needs a friend. Arghhhh it is situations like this where I feel sorry for her as I hope most people would and don;t want to respond with "I'm not your friend bugger off" because from what I've seen she doesn't have a single friend.

DP and I had planned to roast meat and have a lovely evening in watching rugby. Now this must change as there is not a chance of peace at home.

Thank you Sheba. You've summed it up better than I could.

Well if I were you I'd say I'm really sorry to hear that but unfortunately I have plans, hope you can meet up with one of your friends. You are NOT her friend. You don't want or need to go down that road. She's not your responsibility. Go out for dinner with your dp and to a pub to watch the rugby.

That's the plan. I've received no fewer than 8 trite and 2 calls so far.

Can you try not responding to the texts and calls? 'do not feed the trolls' is always sage advice. You are not her mum, her counsellor or her BFF. I think the PP who suggested she is creating a parent-child dynamic is absolutely correct. Can you try 'grow up and buy your own' as a line when she comes on the scrounge?

Can you put a bolt or a chain on your door so you aren't exactly locking yourself in, but she can't breeze in at will?

Good luck, it's an awful situation. I managed a month in a shared house and them moved into a caravan because I couldn't take it any more. I brought my washed plate into the kitchen and was about to put my dinner on it when another house resident walked in, picked it up and put his raw chicken on it so he could start cooking He acted like I didn't exist - washed his veg into my washing up! I said, could you give me 5 minutes please and he looked absolutely offended.

You could take the opportunity of her 'needing a friend' to explain clearly and unequivocally why you are not inclined to be a friend of someone who has such disregard and inconsideration for you and the others.

I like Imustgodown and emotionsecho's responses. She has not treated you like a friend at all; she won't do something as minor as find a solution about a hall light to stop you waking up, so why should you give up a lovely evening for her?

Go out for a roast instead and watch the rugby at a pub so you don't have to engage, and do tell her why you don't feel any obligation to act as a friend would do. Tell her you're not friends, and why.

It's terrible that you have to be ousted out of your own home by her bad behaviour, but it's the only way you can have a nice evening and escape her. She will likely simmer down without an audience.

You and your fellow flatmates have to make life as uncomfortable for her as she is making it for you.

Don't engage via text, in person other than to tell her to fuck off.

Don't feel guilty and try to be nice, why should you?

I couldn't live with someone like her, I know you've made the point of location, saving up and everyone else is pleasant to live with but she is ruining your day to day home life.

She's just text to say she's been cheated on and dumped and needs a friend
Or she's making it up as she's trying to make you feel sorry for her as she knows you are pissed off.

Ignore her.

I once lived with 2 other normal people and one controlling awful person. We managed to get her to leave (after much trying to all get along together - she was a nightmare) by writing a letter setting out why we were annoyed, things we wanted her to sort out, and all signed it. The united, blunt front did it - one to try with the other housemates OP?

I would be tempted to send her a text saying that you do not want to be friends with someone who has done all the selfish, dirty and thoughtless things she has - with a list.

I know it will feel as if you are being mean, but ask yourself this, MrsCorbyn - if the positions were reversed, and it was you that needed some support, thoughtfulness or kindness, would she be providing it? No, she would not. All you would be doing is treating her as well as she treats everyone around her - in fact, you might be helping her. If she once realises how her behaviour impacts others, and how this loses her friends or potential friends, she might change her ways.

I am sure she is not a popular person, with lots of friends - she needs to learn that this is entirely due to her own behaviour.

Troll: but I need deodorant.

OP, any chance that she's been using your deodorant all along?

So what happened?

send her a text saying that you do not want to be friends with someone who has done all the selfish, dirty and thoughtless things she has - with a list

Better for her to know WHY people don't want to be her friend, than to be able to just think that they are all big meanies.

I've just read this thread and I cannot believe that there is someone out there that behaves like this (not the OP, the other tenant).

I'd love to know how things went over the weekend purely being nosey there

Is there anyway that you could contact her father and say that it gives you no pleasure but as a collective (and in agreement with the other tenants), his daughter is making living in the house impossible and list all of the issues without emotion. Add to this that if he doesn't do something about it, you'll be left with no alternative but to get the council involved as the landlord is washing their hands of the situation.

See if that works.

I replied to say I'm sorry to hear that then ignored. She clearly moved on quickly as she had two different men over yesterday, both of which spent hours in her room and she later made jokes about the
, ahem, size of them. I genuinely had to suggest she showered between the first leaving and second arriving.

The shoe polish on bulb has worked! Light no longer comes through and she doesn't appear to have noticed.

Re lack of cleanliness - my pans are moving to my room and she has bought plates for herself to use. Regarding deodorant, I always lock my room when I leave so not a chance. The thought makes me feel very ill...

I like the idea of contacting her father. Wouldn't he just side with his daughter though, surely?

If hes a decent father, he will take your concerns into consideration. Maybe it will help you to understand why she is the way she is if nothing else.

From what you describe she could have a firm of personality disorder. Wonder if her father paid her rent for whole year as suspected her behaviour would ignite a row...?

I've no idea how I would contact him tbh

She could have a personality disorder, which the father may choose to discuss with the OP if he wishes, or he may not.

She might just be a complete pampered bitch, in which case you will be able to tell from the conversation you have.

Sneaky maybe- but anyway you could ask to borrow her phone to send a text to somebody and go into her contacts and memorise his number?

If he's paid for her rent for the entire duration of her tenancy, chances are he knows there's likely to be trouble and won't be wholly surprised. Most parents don't like to think they've raised someone so antisocial and would want to do something.

If you keep correspondence impersonal and simply to a list of things she has factually done (not showered, smoking against tenancy agreement, stealing possessions, invading private rooms) it will be harder for him to claim you're just being mean.

Perhaps ask the landlord or letting agent to help get in contact? They likely have it as I expect he is acting as guarantor and likely paid the rent directly from his account (if he passed it into the account of someone so irresponsible it would likely not be seen for dust). I doubt they can or will give you his details but they could pass on your correspondence, or ask him to contact you (he might not, but if you say it's important and relating to his daughter, any semi responsible parent would at least want to know what you have to say).

I work with personality orders as part of my day job. I think she is just exceptionally selfish with possible learning difficulties and a complete lack of social awareness. Mostly just selfish though. Very selfish. And smelly :(

Not sure about sinking to her level and invading privacy.

Boy flat mate had a big go at her last night. The entire house is very hostile towards her now. Didn't stop her coming in to my room 6 times last night without knocking despite me saying go away, we are busy, seriously piss off now it's late, no you cannot have a favour / ask me something. I still refuse to physically lock my bedroom from the inside but none of us are pandering to her, we have taken away my pans and now just pile her dirty shit in piles by her door