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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to holiday without my stepkids??

146 replies

howtodowills · 22/09/2015 13:47

StepDs are 5&8 and My DS is 5.

I've done a few hols with the girls now and it's always a nightmare for me.

I do nearly all of the arranging and planning of the hol and although DP tries when we are away I do the lions share of the oganising (meals/tidying up etc).

His DDs are really great kids however his eldest really struggles with sharing her dad which leads to me constantly being pushed out of the way (physically ie her barging infront of us if we are walking along holding hands/always trying to seat us at opposite ends of the table and getting the hump and crying if her dad says he wants to sit next to me.) Also if we ever try and chat just the two of us (eg. over dinner if we start up a grown up conversation) she will deliberately butt in "daddy daddy....when i was in this play...". If me and her dad laugh and joke about eg. me taking the mickey out of him she huffs off and says i'm being mean, even when her dad explains he likes me joking around and it's just playful and not mean... And god forbid he comes over to chuck a ball around in the pool with me or anything, then she will start fake drowning or cry because she has "water in her eye"... (she is a competent swimmer who will love jumping in and getting splashed any other time.)

Anyway - this all makes for a pretty stressful holiday if i want to spend any time with my DP at all as she hates it so much and scowls, cries, huffs off etc etc. We try and do conversations etc the 5 of us so nobody feels left out but sometimes i would like to stroll through the town of an evening holding DPs hand, or just have a conversation at dinner about random stuff as "normal" couples do.

We have talked to her a lot about it and she says she thinks her dad loves me more than her. That is the main issue. She really likes me, tells me a lot she loves me etc etc and has asked to come and spend time with me at our house (she lives 70% with her mum) even when her dad is away so it's not me as a person who's the problem, just me and her dad.

Anyway - i came to the conclusion on our last holiday that I didn't want to go away with her again until things are better. I work really hard and need the breaks and want to have fun with my DS and having her theere makes it not fun.... plus i have the extra hard work of 3 kids instead of just my one. I broached this with DP and he thinks it is giving in and we should push through it and also says there isn't much point being together if we can't holiday together....

We have a holiday coming up (oct half term) which we booked a year ago and I am dreading it. I don't want to take her place and can quite happily cope with giving a little girl freedom to come and cuddle, talk to her dad whenever she likes but being physically and mentally pushed out is just driving me up the wall.

HELP!!!!!!!!

AIBU to say no more hols until we get this issue sorted?

OP posts:
Original poster
howtodowills · 22/09/2015 13:50

and just to add obviously we have talked a lot to her about how daddy's love for her and her sister is sooooooo super strong and can never be taken away or lessened and his love for me is different and he can love us both.

We also try and make sure at wkends they get time with just their dad too but on holidays it is trickier. our oct hol is at an All in hotel so we will be together all day every day....(PRAYING HIS KIDS WANT TO GO TO KIDS CLUB)

OP posts:
jorahmormont · 22/09/2015 13:52

I really do feel for you, but you had better don your flameproof jacket. AIBU is really not the best place for this - the stepparents section might have been better.

YABU really as you can't leave her at home. It must be really tough because you sound like a nice stepmum and don't want to push her out, and clearly have a good relationship with her, but it's understandable that she's feeling insecure about her relationship with her dad.

I think the answer is for him to get a bit more strict and make sure that she is secure in his love, but to know that faking drowning/having water in her eye etc is not on, and rudeness to you is not on either.

bialystockandbloom · 22/09/2015 13:54

I think it would be good to remember that you're an adult and she's an 8yo child. It is understandable that she may feel that (whether or not she likes you as a person) time with her dad is the most important thing to her. YABU.

ImperialBlether · 22/09/2015 13:54

I can understand that, but I think you are expecting your partner to come on holiday with you and your son, when he would probably rather not do that.

I think you'd probably be better splitting the holidays:

He takes his kids away
You take your son away
You go away together, just you and your partner.

That's the only fair way to do it, imo.

Oswin · 22/09/2015 13:55

Well if I was your dp I wouldn't go away without my children, especially with another child. Nothing stopping you going away on your own with ds though.
You could after this holiday not go on anymore until this phase has passed.

NoodlesAreYum · 22/09/2015 13:55

Well that won't sort the problem out will it?! I completely sympathise with you though and have had a similar experience.

You and your DP need to stand together on this. He needs to take the lead and ask her to wait until it is her turn to speak/ignore any silly pool behaviour/reprimand her when she cuts in on you holding hands. He should speak to her quietly by herself about it too and let her know that it is not fair to anybody and he loves you all equally.

Is your DP up for trying different techniques? Please, please don't give into her because that will just feed this possessiveness. Does your DP ever take his children out individually as a treat?

TenForward82 · 22/09/2015 13:56

Sorry, I feel sympathy for you, but you want her to stop feeling pushed by ... pushing her out? You don;t say how long you've been together so I can't really say she should be over by now or not.

Does your DP call her out on the overdramatic behaviour (eg "I've got water in my eye")?

Shutthatdoor · 22/09/2015 13:57

I can understand that, but I think you are expecting your partner to come on holiday with you and your son, when he would probably rather not do that.

I agree. You say that you want to go away just the 3 of you. Maybe your DP doesn't want to go away with just your DC.

If you want to go without his DC maybe you will need to go on your on with your DC.

Funinthesun15 · 22/09/2015 13:58

Well if I was your dp I wouldn't go away without my children, especially with another child. Nothing stopping you going away on your own with ds though.

^ this

longdiling · 22/09/2015 14:03

Do you know what always seems to strike me about these threads by stepmothers? That they're doing all of the organising/looking after of the stepkids. No wonder they get resentful! Perhaps if he actually parented his children instead of leaving you to do it all OP, you would feel more able to cope with some of the challenges of being a stepmum.

Lay down the law and make sure he is being an equal parent - if anything he should be the one doing more as 2/3 of the kids are his!! The 8 year old child is behaving like you might expect an 8 year old child to behave when they're getting used to a blended family. He isn't.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 22/09/2015 14:07

What you're describing is pretty much what my own DDs aged 11 and 7 get up to and they're not step children. Kids are often rude, attention grabbing pains in the arse.

Deal with it.

MascaraAndConverse · 22/09/2015 14:08

Is there any chance you could go away on your own with your own child?

JeffsanArsehole · 22/09/2015 14:09
  1. Any holiday with children under 10 is always a massive compromise. Don't forget that.
  2. Get them to bed by 8 and spend the evenings being romantic
  3. Remember that 70% of the time in normal life you get him to yourself
  4. You're both doing all the right things reassuring her and she will grow out of/learn to cope if you both continue to do those things
  1. Holidays are shit with young children if you compare it to the walking on the beach, drinking wine late and long romantic sessions before children Grin (yes, it's a bit like number 1, but really it's true)
gamerchick · 22/09/2015 14:09

I agree with PP. you go away with yours, him with his and couple only no kids together.

They're not little for ever. I'm not really sure what to suggest other than him making her behaviour not acceptable

esmeralda1234 · 22/09/2015 14:10

as a now grown up woman of divorced and remarried parents i can really relate to your step daughter!

as a child, my dad and his wife would take away their two kids without myself and my brother and it was really hurtful to us both. now i can understand a bit more that they wanted time with their own kids but it still makes you as a child feel separated from the family, despite assurances of otherwise, deliberately making separations and distinctions by going away without them is only going to make her feel further away from her dad.

as said before there is nothing stopping you from going away with just your son, but YABU to expect him to go away without his girls. I know I wouldnt go away without my daughter.

biscuitkumquat · 22/09/2015 14:10

I'm a StepMum & understand exactly how you feel.

We had the same issue a few years ago (now resolved as DSD is more grown up, and it's a pleasure these days)

I explained situation to DH by saying that DSD was taken on holidays my her own Mum & her partner, so DH going on holiday with just me & DS wasn't unreasonable. But, accepted that he wanted to spend time with DSD, so for 3 years, DH & I would have a weekend "holiday" just him & I. DH & I went away for a holiday with my DS, and DH took his DSD away for a weeks camping together, and they loved it.

Obviously we had much cheaper holidays when we did this.

We told DSD that we thought it was fair that she could spend her time just with her Dad, so she didn't think she was being punished.

As I said, we only did it for 3 years, and we all have a great time when we go away now.

OnlyLovers · 22/09/2015 14:11

I do nearly all of the arranging and planning of the hol and although DP tries when we are away I do the lions share of the oganising (meals/tidying up etc).

Well stop doing it then.

Doesn't make any difference if it's stepkids or your own kids; you shouldn't be lumbered with the majority of the work of a holiday.

TracyBarlow · 22/09/2015 14:11

That's just what normal life is like with some children. Me and my husband don't really get to do any of the lovey dovey stuff with the kids around because they need lots of attention.

I think if she feels insecure and that her dad would rather be with you than her, and then he goes on holiday with you, not her, then it's only going to confirm her fears.

Lightbulbon · 22/09/2015 14:12

It sounds like your DP should take his dd/DDs on holiday himself.

There's nothing wrong with them wanting time just them.

DP is in the wrong to insist on you all holidaying together all the time.

Plus you shouldn't be doing all the wifework of step parenting either.

Crosbybeach · 22/09/2015 14:13

JeffsanArsehole has it completely right.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 22/09/2015 14:15

YANBU.

In a blended family you can and should expect any mix of holidays...

  1. You and DP alone.
  2. You and DP with your DS only.
  3. You and DP with his DD's only.
  4. You and DP with all of the DC.
  5. You and your DS.
  6. Your DP and his DD's.

Perhaps if he bothered his arse to help you out on holiday, and deal with his DD's behaviour, you might be more amenable to big family holidays, but until then, it seems quite reasonable to say no more for now.

Weathergames · 22/09/2015 14:18

I sympathise with you OP but you have chosen to be in this position your DSD hasn't.

We have 6 between us - 4 (including my 3) well into their teens meaning my holidays would be pretty much hassle free - except we now take my DSDs aged 8 and 10 and I have to "go back" to that age and cope with their squabbling and 10 yr old Dsd bedwetting while camping.

We always manage to get away in our own though so I focus on the kids on a family holiday and bear in mind I am a grown adult and it's my place to take a back seat so his DSDs can enjoy spending time with him.

Deep breaths and wine Grin

Original poster
howtodowills · 22/09/2015 14:18

sorry i wasn't clear... I don't expect him to come with me and DS and leave his DDs. I just was thinking maybe next year I would go away with just my DS, or DS and my parents or DS and a friend and her kids or something and if DP wanted to he could take his DDS on hols but that I wasn't going to go on hols with her until this situation had passed.

I posted in AIBU for traffic really as the stepparenting section is pretty quiet.

He does pull her up on things but she just gets sooooo upset and angry and will either have HUGE tantrums (eg at bedtime for 2 hours) or crying fits or just sulk and scowl. She did this a LOT on our last hols and sat inside watching TV (which was lovely tbh as the 4 of us had great fun playing in the pool etc), however i feel so guilty saying that as she is obviously hurting inside and I don't want her to feel hurt.

It's got to the point where if she sees me going over to her dad she will race ahead and grab his hand so i cant get near him! She's just THERE all the time! I wouldn't mind if we could chat and have a giggle the 3 of us (as we can with either of the other 2 kids) but we can't. She'll hang off her dad or sit on his knee and scowl at me. Or whisper in his ears and cuddle up all the time and just try to get his one on one attention and not like it if he's in another conversation. TBH she might as well piss in a circle around him to mark her territory! I don't want to compete with her or make DP feel he can't give his DD attention so i tend to walk off and play with the other kids which is great but then I think "well if i can't spend time with my DP then I will just go away with just DS cause then he'll get 100% of me instead of 33% of me and I won't get scowled at for a week." Plus of course when it's just me and DS it's a lot more chilled cause we don't have her attitude etc.

OP posts:
Bubblesinthesummer · 22/09/2015 14:18

If you say no to taking his DC on holiday, then be prepared to accept that he may not be coming on holiday with you either

DoJo · 22/09/2015 14:19

What TheHouseOnTheLane said - this is how ALL children behave, not just step-children and the fact that your solution is to exclude her from a 'family' holiday rather than going away just with your partner seems like it's likely to make things worse.

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