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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to holiday without my stepkids??

146 replies

howtodowills · 22/09/2015 13:47

StepDs are 5&8 and My DS is 5.

I've done a few hols with the girls now and it's always a nightmare for me.

I do nearly all of the arranging and planning of the hol and although DP tries when we are away I do the lions share of the oganising (meals/tidying up etc).

His DDs are really great kids however his eldest really struggles with sharing her dad which leads to me constantly being pushed out of the way (physically ie her barging infront of us if we are walking along holding hands/always trying to seat us at opposite ends of the table and getting the hump and crying if her dad says he wants to sit next to me.) Also if we ever try and chat just the two of us (eg. over dinner if we start up a grown up conversation) she will deliberately butt in "daddy daddy....when i was in this play...". If me and her dad laugh and joke about eg. me taking the mickey out of him she huffs off and says i'm being mean, even when her dad explains he likes me joking around and it's just playful and not mean... And god forbid he comes over to chuck a ball around in the pool with me or anything, then she will start fake drowning or cry because she has "water in her eye"... (she is a competent swimmer who will love jumping in and getting splashed any other time.)

Anyway - this all makes for a pretty stressful holiday if i want to spend any time with my DP at all as she hates it so much and scowls, cries, huffs off etc etc. We try and do conversations etc the 5 of us so nobody feels left out but sometimes i would like to stroll through the town of an evening holding DPs hand, or just have a conversation at dinner about random stuff as "normal" couples do.

We have talked to her a lot about it and she says she thinks her dad loves me more than her. That is the main issue. She really likes me, tells me a lot she loves me etc etc and has asked to come and spend time with me at our house (she lives 70% with her mum) even when her dad is away so it's not me as a person who's the problem, just me and her dad.

Anyway - i came to the conclusion on our last holiday that I didn't want to go away with her again until things are better. I work really hard and need the breaks and want to have fun with my DS and having her theere makes it not fun.... plus i have the extra hard work of 3 kids instead of just my one. I broached this with DP and he thinks it is giving in and we should push through it and also says there isn't much point being together if we can't holiday together....

We have a holiday coming up (oct half term) which we booked a year ago and I am dreading it. I don't want to take her place and can quite happily cope with giving a little girl freedom to come and cuddle, talk to her dad whenever she likes but being physically and mentally pushed out is just driving me up the wall.

HELP!!!!!!!!

AIBU to say no more hols until we get this issue sorted?

OP posts:

VeganCatLover · 31/03/2018 10:19

This thread is from 2015!

SingleAgainThen · 31/03/2018 10:34

Wow, sorry, no advice but I really feel for you. I’ve just ended a relationship with a very difficult 8yr old step daughter so I know how hard it can be.

I also hate it when people say - you took on a man with kids. When my STBXH & I met, she was 2, how the hell are you supposed to see into the future to see what your problems might be.

I would just try to be fair. So you & DS go somewhere whilst DH goes somewhere with his kids. Have time away as a couple. Get DH to discipline effectively, 8 year olds are old enough to know better.

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2018 10:57

How much attention does his other DC get?

Magpiemagpie · 31/03/2018 12:15

What we did with my son and 2 SS when on holiday with regards to attending the kids club would tell them that they had to go 3 times and if after that you don't like it you can stop going . So you sort of meet them half way .
The bonus was that by the third day they had made friends and didn't want to spend any time with us anyway 😂

In fact we did this with pretty much everything that we wanted them to from football rugby swimming scouts . If my son had his way when he was younger sitting in front of the TV would have been his prefered option but by insisting he tried everything at least three times it worked brilliantly and got him to do stuff he would have avoided doing .

I don't think there is anything wrong with you going on a holiday with your DS and your mum sister or on your own

I certainly did that many times .
When we did a two week holiday I went out for 2 weeks but went out a week befoe with my son and niece
My DH came for the second week with his two boys
We've also holiday on our own and with just my son and DH has taken his boys on his own as well
They are all adults now but none of them are traumatised and resentful because of the way we organised our holidays. And they all get along with each other just fine

WowLookAtYou · 31/03/2018 12:26

this is how ALL children behave,

It really isn't!

BitchQueen90 · 31/03/2018 12:35

This is a zombie thread!

Bluelady · 31/03/2018 12:36

Anyone expecting romance on holiday with children, whether they're step or not, is deluded. It just doesn't happen. A holiday away for just the two of you sounds like the answer. If you go away with your child and not his all you'll do is make things a million times worse.

RachelTeeth · 31/03/2018 12:46

Fernvilla why did you reactivate a thread that’s 2 and a half years old???

Meckity1 · 31/03/2018 13:03

What is it with old threads being revived atm?

butternutsquashe · 31/03/2018 18:54

I don’t care if it’s a zombie thread. Get a life.

Meckity1 · 31/03/2018 19:15

butternutsquashe Are you okay?

Daffodillia · 31/03/2018 19:27

Why the fuck have you unearthed this!

Daffodillia · 31/03/2018 19:29

butternut It’s annoying as you end up making the effort to replying to an op who is not even there!

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 19:29

Zombie thread but I was bloody annoyed at the DP giving OP the ultimatum that there wasn't much point in being together if she wanted to go on holiday without him and his DDs. Who could blame her?!

but perhaps a longer term plan is necessary i.e. to pull back a lot on doing stuff as a 5 and then gradually re-merge. I would be very fine with that although I think DP would find it hard and I also think his DDs would get a bit peed off as me and DS have more local friends so would do more sociable things than them...

Tough luck I say. If you DSD wants her dad to herself then she can't complain if OP does fun things with her DS.

Anyway, hopefully all was resolved and they are all happy.

LeighaJ · 31/03/2018 19:31

howtodowills

These don't actually sound like holidays, I'd rather be at work then have the holidays you described.

If you can afford it I think it would be better to go on an occasional holiday with just your partner and you can take your respective kids on separate holidays. A couple more years and the older SD may grow out of it, although my older sister who was like that as a kid...never did.

butternutsquashe · 31/03/2018 19:31

@Meckity1 i’m Very depressed

ThickSocksWoolyHat · 31/03/2018 19:37

Not meaning this as a criticism but she is 8 and the other two children are 5, is she getting some one on one time herself suitable for her age range.

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 19:39

RTZT

Meckity1 · 31/03/2018 20:20

butternutsquashe Hugs. Hope you can find some calm tonight. I often turn to Mumsnet classics when I need cheering up. The elderly Korean lady is one of my favourites.

I am not able to stay on and chat, but sending good vibes.

L1ll1an1 · 02/07/2018 22:27

So I’m with a guy who has a child he sees from a previous marriage every other weekend. She is 12 but being an only child acts like an 8 year old! She has magnificent manipulation skills and has created several interesting situations through her complete need for attention. Her mother is lovely and has re married, she sees her nan who picks her up from school every Week. She has an excellent relationship with lots of family members but all of them treat her as an adult and she gets exactly what she wants at all times.

In her attention seeking she has made up so many stories about me and my children. Goodness knows what she has said but it has resulted In several family arguments where I have been public ally berated by my partners family. His mother doesn’t feel comfortable in our home and prefers just my partner and his daughter to visit her at hers. I am upset by all of this as she has been treated like one of my own but she has found it difficult to adjust to our family unit as I myself have three children. Unfortunately her father knows she lies but feels as he only sees her every other weekend he is not allowed to comment. It’s most unhelpful. She gets what she wants, when she wants. At Christmas I told them all to write a list and so they did. My two girls both wanted a swegway.. she Wanted a tablet. I asked her several times if she was sure. Christmas Day came and the green eyed monster cane out and boom, by the end of the day she had a swegway on order.
The putting down got so bad that my partners sister who I may add had never met me, publicslly messaged me calling me all sorts of names, it was so hideous! I love him but I hate his inability to parent, now I will be honest, he’s not a natural dad. It’s all about him as that’s how he has been brought up. He’s changing slowly as he lives with me and my three children and it’s not an easy ride for him. He’s used to getting what he wants when he wants.... sound familiar.....
So I would like a holiday with my three and us two... not always and everytime but we are a family with and without his daughter. We don’t just sit and wait for her to come so we can be a family, we are one anyway. He needs to bond without her present so she doesn’t control every situation.

I do t blame her I know it’s his family’s fault and his especially but that won’t change over night. My partners family doesn’t see my children as any part of their family and recently we visited his dad who gave her a tenner in front of my children and mine got nothing. I’m not saying for a moment that he shouldn’t treat his granddaughter but to tell her she’s important and mine that they are not is not fair and they don’t deserve it! She is a lovely girl but cannot stop gossiping and creating issues that backfire and never gets berated for it.

I do intend on taking her on holiday with us but there isn’t enough alcohol to numb the feeling I get from hearing her demand this and that. Again we are a family with and without her and trust me she goes away a lot. There isn’t an advert for a place on the tv that she doesn’t comment on that she’s been there! She’s loved and cared for by many adults. She doesn’t go without. So am I wrong to want to go away without her? I have tried my hardest with her, trust me I’ve been there and done that and still do. I have never berated her for her misgivings as it’s not my place. But have discussed it with her dad. (Who did nought!) I can’t seem to win with whatever I do. I need a holiday and not with a child that will dictate everything from what we do to where we eat and everything in between. It’s sounds mean I know but my mental health is at stake... now I know you are reading this thinking, nooo she can’t be that bad but imagine the worst someone can be and times it by 100. Oh, not all the time but enough. Thoughts people please!

Maelstrop · 02/07/2018 22:32

ZOMBIE!!

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