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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to holiday without my stepkids??

146 replies

howtodowills · 22/09/2015 13:47

StepDs are 5&8 and My DS is 5.

I've done a few hols with the girls now and it's always a nightmare for me.

I do nearly all of the arranging and planning of the hol and although DP tries when we are away I do the lions share of the oganising (meals/tidying up etc).

His DDs are really great kids however his eldest really struggles with sharing her dad which leads to me constantly being pushed out of the way (physically ie her barging infront of us if we are walking along holding hands/always trying to seat us at opposite ends of the table and getting the hump and crying if her dad says he wants to sit next to me.) Also if we ever try and chat just the two of us (eg. over dinner if we start up a grown up conversation) she will deliberately butt in "daddy daddy....when i was in this play...". If me and her dad laugh and joke about eg. me taking the mickey out of him she huffs off and says i'm being mean, even when her dad explains he likes me joking around and it's just playful and not mean... And god forbid he comes over to chuck a ball around in the pool with me or anything, then she will start fake drowning or cry because she has "water in her eye"... (she is a competent swimmer who will love jumping in and getting splashed any other time.)

Anyway - this all makes for a pretty stressful holiday if i want to spend any time with my DP at all as she hates it so much and scowls, cries, huffs off etc etc. We try and do conversations etc the 5 of us so nobody feels left out but sometimes i would like to stroll through the town of an evening holding DPs hand, or just have a conversation at dinner about random stuff as "normal" couples do.

We have talked to her a lot about it and she says she thinks her dad loves me more than her. That is the main issue. She really likes me, tells me a lot she loves me etc etc and has asked to come and spend time with me at our house (she lives 70% with her mum) even when her dad is away so it's not me as a person who's the problem, just me and her dad.

Anyway - i came to the conclusion on our last holiday that I didn't want to go away with her again until things are better. I work really hard and need the breaks and want to have fun with my DS and having her theere makes it not fun.... plus i have the extra hard work of 3 kids instead of just my one. I broached this with DP and he thinks it is giving in and we should push through it and also says there isn't much point being together if we can't holiday together....

We have a holiday coming up (oct half term) which we booked a year ago and I am dreading it. I don't want to take her place and can quite happily cope with giving a little girl freedom to come and cuddle, talk to her dad whenever she likes but being physically and mentally pushed out is just driving me up the wall.

HELP!!!!!!!!

AIBU to say no more hols until we get this issue sorted?

OP posts:

MsTargaryen · 22/09/2015 14:20

Oh yes. Excluding them from a holiday you take your ds on would DEFINITELY improve your relationship with them and help them become less worried about sharing their dad.

DoJo · 22/09/2015 14:20

Sorry - cross posts. Sounds like you have a solution then - separate holidays or an adults only holiday at some point.

sproketmx · 22/09/2015 14:21

Sorry but yabu. You picked him, baggage and all.

Original poster

howtodowills · 22/09/2015 14:23

Of course in the meantime we have a week away in oct half term booked so any tips on how to handle her would be great.

DP does pull her up on her behaviour but she is very manipulative - doing it when she knows he can't see. Telling me "I always pretend i need dad when i see him talking to you so i can get him away from you" and then playing completely innocent when i try and bring that up with her and her dad....
Its scary how grown up she can be and how she plays the game in such a manipulative way

OP posts:

Onthematleavecountdown · 22/09/2015 14:25

Sorry but yabu. You chose him knowing he had children. The poor girls have seen him remarry and start a new life and family with someone else. You need to man up and accept it.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 22/09/2015 14:26

This is not how all children behave. No way. She is obviously having a hard time with being in a blended family. Could your DP spend a distinct and uninterrupted time with just her every so often? Might help her relax when she has to share him? I'm sure you've probably tried everything. I do think that you can holiday just with your DS or go all together and just try and get through it.

Jolyn1 · 22/09/2015 14:27

I think you should definitely split the holidays. He should go away with his kids and you should (if it it possible) go together as a couple. I feel for her, she must feel horrible, insecure, even though you reassured her of her dad's love. And I feel for you too, I want to rest on holidays, not waste my precious time and money. Definitely split your holidays. And I don't think it's strange to go either as a couple or together with your ds, and him going just with his daughters, afterall, you are now a family, the three of you..?

CorbynsTopButton · 22/09/2015 14:28

To my mind, anything "symmetrical" works.

So:

Fine for you and your DS to go away alone if you're also fine with him going away with his DDs and not you or your DS.

Fine for you, DP and your DS to go away as a three without his DDs, so long as you, DP and his DDs also go away without your DS.

starlight2007 · 22/09/2015 14:30

Most of what I think has already been said..

The only thought... Have you discussed unconditional love with DSD.. I did this with my DS over a different issue so he knows no matter what happens I will always love him.. No one else on this planet has that kind of love.

Inertia · 22/09/2015 14:31

You need to stop making a child carry the can for her father's failure to do his fair share.

Griphook · 22/09/2015 14:32

Yanbu to want to have a nice holiday with your ds, your dh is a problem though, I wonder why he doesn't want to go away with just his dd, maybe it's because I he'd have to do all then shits bits of the holidays that he's not doing now

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/09/2015 14:34

If DP went away with the kids, he would have to step up and be occupied with dinner etc, so she would have to share him housework and with sibbling. Go away in October, bit take DS out a few afternoons, you dont have to stick together like glue.

Original poster

howtodowills · 22/09/2015 14:36

Of course I chose him when I knew he had children but that doesn't mean I knew she would end up being like this! Might have thought twice about it if i'd known!

He has his week night with the kids JUST the DDs alone with no me or my DS (we usually come back for 7pm and do stories and bed together) and usually they spend a chunk of their weekends with us just him and DDs and I do something with DS. I am very happy with this and think it's a good idea for us all...

The holiday thing is a bit more tricky.

We have the one in oct booked and we are doing a lot of "risk management" in advance (Any advice appreciated). I like the idea of getting them in bed for 8pm and having just "us" time. We tried to do this last year though and as the kids disco finished at 8 I could get DS down for 8:30 but his eldest would make such a drama at bedtime that it was 10pm before they were asleep by which point we were so exhausted... I leave him to deal with her but he'd be ready for bed by that point or be in such a foul mood he wouldn't want to sit up and have a drink and a chat. The other option is not letting them do the disco but then the other 2 miss out. And if he takes her back and i stay with the 2 little ones then she's done exactly what she wants and split us up!

OP posts:

CorbynsTopButton · 22/09/2015 14:36

Behaviour management-wise - off the top of my head:

Continue to make sure DSD gets loads of attention, preferably at times she isn't doing the behaviours that are causing trouble. Get in there FIRST with loads of attention, affection, praise.
Work on more appropriate ways/times for her to get the attention she wants/ways to express how she feels when she sees you together.
"Calling up" on manipulative behaviour sounds like it's not working, and may be getting DSD welcome extra attention. Work out a system whereby it's more rewarding for her to behave less problematically. Reward the good stuff, ignore the "bad" as far as possible

bialystockandbloom · 22/09/2015 14:39

"Manipulative" and "grown-up"? She's 8 years old. Her playing up like this is as clear a sign of insecurity as it's possible to get. She's behaving in a way an 8yo can to try and assure herself she matters to her dad. You shouldn't be competing with her.

Weathergames · 22/09/2015 14:40

Do you ever discipline her?

I find I have a much longer patience span than DH - so if I step in and discipline them firmly (you have had your time with daddy, now it's your bedtime - and adult time) but fairly they tend to take note that they have pushed too far.

You are one of the adults and if they know the boundaries they will feel more secure, but you and OH need to be consistent and on the same page.

If a friends kid was on holiday and being a PITA I would do the same.

CorbynsTopButton · 22/09/2015 14:40

And remember that if you change the patterns of response to the behaviour, it's likely to get worse before it gets better. Do you have much time to spend with DSD BEFORE the holiday?

Original poster

howtodowills · 22/09/2015 14:40

starlight yes I have tried to have this conversation with her - about how the love you have for your children is a different kind of love, that her and her sis are part of their dad and the love is different. But then that backfires as she gets upset and says "well that must mean you love your DS more than us". She is very insecure, yet VERY confident outwardly. We have talked a lot about different types of love and that it isn't about loving people more or less and that when more people come into your life you get more love to share around so nobody loses out.

The thing is - it is really starting to affect us and our time together. I would be very happy to take a step back from time as a 5 and just do time as a 2 (me and DS) or as a 3 (me, him and ds eg. when the girls are at their mums) but she WANTS time with just me, just not with her dad and me at the same time. I worry then that we are just doing everything she wants and letting her control the whole family

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2015 14:43

Of course she wants her dads attention, this is her contact time, and she does not see her dad very often, dsd8 behaviour sounds completely normal. Yes came into the relationship knowing that he had two children, yes she will want her dad's attention. Regarding the holiday, it will have to be, you and ds separately, or holidays all five of you.

Original poster

howtodowills · 22/09/2015 14:45

corbyn - this is helpful thank you... We go towards end of oct and I only have a full weekend with her before then and a few week nights (where i usually make myself scarce.) Any advice on how to manage it?

weather - i do intervene at bedtime as they really push it and sometimes her dad ends up shouting which riles her up more so when I hear him do that i go in and try and take over and calm them down.

In terms of other discipline I have called her out eg. "DSD, why are you pulling faces at me"? when she's doing that behind her dad's back but I don't discipline in the same way I do my DS which would be "If you speak to me in a rude way again you will be going to time out." Do you think I should? I've always thought it was better to leave him to do that.

OP posts:

CorbynsTopButton · 22/09/2015 14:45

Basic principles:

make sure you minimise the degree to which she needs to do anything at all in order to get attention from her dad, and in order for you two to spend time concentrating on her. In other words, do it loads, regularly, without her having to "ask" for more attention.
Work out how you and your DP think it would be best for her to alert you to it when she's feeling upset, or to ask for attention when she needs it. They teach her to do this and reinforce it A LOT.
Then stop responding to the "less appropriate" stuff.

This will take a while, but is likely to work if done consistently (if I haven't misunderstood the situation).

Weathergames · 22/09/2015 14:48

Yes I very much believe ALL the children should be treated and disciplined the same.

As long as you are fair and kind and don't lose your temper with anyone you should treat them like your own children (and that includes spontaneous affection too).

Weathergames · 22/09/2015 14:50

IME OH has been grateful to take my lead as I am calmer and more rational than him and he says I am the better parent (I say more experienced as I have bought my 3 up on my own he's spent most of his DC lives away at sea )

Booboostwo · 22/09/2015 14:51

This may sound silly but it does seem to work. Your DH should spend 20 minutes every contact day doing what she wants (within reason obviously!) with her on her own. The activity must be chosen and led by DSD, not something that needs doing.

This does leave you entertaining the other two DCs but it is for a short time and you may see an improvement in her behaviour.

Enjoyingthepeace · 22/09/2015 14:52

Parents encounter this me if behaviour from their biological children all the time. And they do indeed do as your DP suggests, push on, in the knowledge that there will be nice moments of the holiday, but with young children, there is a fair bit of slog. You seem to think that because they are not biologically yours that you can just Run from it. I have news for you. You can't.

YABU, and profoundly so. Due to the above, and also depriving your DP and your step children from holidaying with one another,

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