To want to holiday without my stepkids??

[howtodowills]

StepDs are 5&8 and My DS is 5.

I've done a few hols with the girls now and it's always a nightmare for me.

I do nearly all of the arranging and planning of the hol and although DP tries when we are away I do the lions share of the oganising (meals/tidying up etc).

His DDs are really great kids however his eldest really struggles with sharing her dad which leads to me constantly being pushed out of the way (physically ie her barging infront of us if we are walking along holding hands/always trying to seat us at opposite ends of the table and getting the hump and crying if her dad says he wants to sit next to me.) Also if we ever try and chat just the two of us (eg. over dinner if we start up a grown up conversation) she will deliberately butt in "daddy daddy....when i was in this play...". If me and her dad laugh and joke about eg. me taking the mickey out of him she huffs off and says i'm being mean, even when her dad explains he likes me joking around and it's just playful and not mean... And god forbid he comes over to chuck a ball around in the pool with me or anything, then she will start fake drowning or cry because she has "water in her eye"... (she is a competent swimmer who will love jumping in and getting splashed any other time.)

Anyway - this all makes for a pretty stressful holiday if i want to spend any time with my DP at all as she hates it so much and scowls, cries, huffs off etc etc. We try and do conversations etc the 5 of us so nobody feels left out but sometimes i would like to stroll through the town of an evening holding DPs hand, or just have a conversation at dinner about random stuff as "normal" couples do.

We have talked to her a lot about it and she says she thinks her dad loves me more than her. That is the main issue. She really likes me, tells me a lot she loves me etc etc and has asked to come and spend time with me at our house (she lives 70% with her mum) even when her dad is away so it's not me as a person who's the problem, just me and her dad.

Anyway - i came to the conclusion on our last holiday that I didn't want to go away with her again until things are better. I work really hard and need the breaks and want to have fun with my DS and having her theere makes it not fun.... plus i have the extra hard work of 3 kids instead of just my one. I broached this with DP and he thinks it is giving in and we should push through it and also says there isn't much point being together if we can't holiday together....

We have a holiday coming up (oct half term) which we booked a year ago and I am dreading it. I don't want to take her place and can quite happily cope with giving a little girl freedom to come and cuddle, talk to her dad whenever she likes but being physically and mentally pushed out is just driving me up the wall.

HELP!!!!!!!!

AIBU to say no more hols until we get this issue sorted?

(or even "Thank you for letting us finish the sentence", if that's all she can manage. Baby steps!)

I think you've got some great advice from this thread.

Definitely do one on one time for all kids as a regular and reliable thing.

Ignore the behaviour that you can

Wishing you all the best OP

I think you should put aside the fact they are your step children. I think fair enough to go on holiday by yourself without your partner if that's what you choose to do but you can't insist he leaves his children out of his holiday. Take the advice of people here and try and make things easier. Holidays can be difficult for a lot of people not just step families. I nearly felt like leaving my two at home quite often.

Tbh the splitting yourself in between 3 children is another symptom of the dynamic there.

Your dsd has taken centre stage for everyone.
You are feeling that you have be there for both dsd and end up doing a fair bit of the parenting/organising.
Which 1- is exhausting and 2- means less time for your ds to spend with you or your DP.
Your DP spends his time concentrating on her just in case she blows up.
He tries to set boundaries as with the talking, but you overrule him saying 'oh no that's ok. It doesn't matter', or you intervene as a peace keeper etc...

He needs to set up the boundaries and for all of you to follow them.
If he says 'I want to finish this discussion with how to first', just look at her and say 'we'll do what your dad says' or words for matter.
He needs to make it clear that you are non negociable at the same time than showing her his love.

THANK YOU so much for the advice on here - i have scribbled down sooooo much for a chat with DP tonight. tbh The fact it's me doing all the thinking and trying to figure it all out says a lot in itself doesn't it?!

Any other advice is VERY welcome

"yes, she has mentioned in the past that she thinks her dad loves my DS more than her but that hasn't come up for a while. When she is there my DP doesn't give my DS much attention (which makes me a bit sad and angry as i split myself 3 ways and i don't always feel he does - although i have shared this with him and i can see he is trying... but he does always focus on eldest daughter first, then second daughter, then my DS whereas i feel I try much more to be fair 3 ways"

But I'd your partner has his daughters 30% of their time and lives with your son (not sure if your son is with you 100% or not) - then I can understand when he is with them he feels the need to concentrate more on the little time he has. Sounds difficult Op and it can't be easy - hope you sort it out.

I'm going to side with the op having a dsd who was 8 when I first got with dp and I've had four years of this behaviour. Manipulative, lies, pushing in front of me etc. I know exactly how the op feels. She's not much better now and I tend to have as little to do with her as possible as spending one to one time has failed, trying to talk to her has failed and now I just let them get on with doing stuff and I do things with my kids.

I really would take a step back and do as much as possible on your own with ds on holiday and let him deal with his kids. On his own.

true bamban and thats what i have always told myself but he doesn't spend any time with DS in the week really as he's out at work... He says hi in the morning and a cuddle and then sometimes a chat before bed but he rarely does any more. So I feel that on the weekends DS loses out as he loses lots of his mums attention (as eldest DSD commands it) and he doesn't get "compensated" with extra attention from my DP....

I really want to support DSD but i am finding it so so hard these days

You seem surprised that she might think he loves you more than her...but from her perspective, he lives with you all the time, and he doesn't live with her. She gets to visit him in your house, with your son, and has to share him with you even on limited contact time. Of course she could see that as him loving you more, with 8 year old logic all of the signs are there.

Your child and the other SD are only 5, you don't have the experience of the older child and you're assigning very adult emotions to her rather than the quite normal child emotions and difficulties she has. You need to spend less time analysing her behaviours and a bit more time on your own.

How ever you do decide to take this forward, you and your DP need to be consistent. Decide what is appropriate behaviour and what is not. She should not be having temper tantrums at 8 years old and I'd suggest chatting to her about what is FAIR and also what sort of behaviour you expect of her.

It's also not clear from your posts how long you and DP have been together and I'm also curious as to whether she is similar with her mum's partner or whether she hasn't moved on yet - could she see you as getting in the way of her parents getting back together perhaps?

Regarding telling the girls off, I'd say that if you're close enough with their dad to go on holiday together, that you should be able to tell them off when need be. You can't expect to have to refer to your DP every time they need a stern word, surely?

Before you go on holiday sit down as a family with all of the children present and draw up some holiday rules. Ensure that all the children get to contribute and get to set a rule or two for the adults. Make sure they're not all punitive, include something about making sure everyone get equal say about what gets done as a family.

Go for it OP

We went on holiday without our kids & it was a godsend.

As you say, you need downtime too & if you're not going to get that with her, remove her from the equation...

OH coffee God it feels nice to "meet" someone who understands how i feel. It is a lonely place!!

What is your DSD's mother like?

I think in the run up to the holiday I will do as much as poss and then really make the effort on hols but if it doesn't work then i probably will just take a step back and let him manage his kids. It is a shame though cause all the kids get on really well and love being together and when we have fun we have really good fun... but perhaps a longer term plan is necessary i.e. to pull back a lot on doing stuff as a 5 and then gradually re-merge. I would be very fine with that although I think DP would find it hard and I also think his DDs would get a bit peed off as me and DS have more local friends so would do more sociable things than them...

Gawd it's hard - i hope your DP is worth is coffee

Really feel for you OP. I am in a very similar sitation with my DSS who is nearly 10. His behaviour on holiday, whilst perfectly understandable and probably normal for a nearly 10 year old, drove me to the brink of insanity. He basically sulked any time my DH showed my kids the tinniest bit of attention, if DH was not constantly playing/interacting with him, or if my kids beat him in a race then spent the rest of the time telling everyone how wonderful he was. He was also constantly hungry and spent the whole time trying to get the biggest portions/generally eating everything in sight. That holiday used up the last of my annual leave for the year (I work full time) and I came home knackered and massively stressed and told DH I never holidaying with all of us again. I know my limits and going on holiday with DSS isn't one of them. I can cope with small doses (they are usually here 50% of the time) but us all being banged up together is hell, pure hell. We either won't do it or or I will take my DSs on holiday and he can take his. DSS basically wants his dad to himself and I am very happy to let that happen but would prefer not to be around. DH says it's disastrous if we can't all holiday together and we have had successes in the past but I just can't face it again. No way.

If it's any consolation my DSD (she 10, she was 5 when I met her dad) was possessive over anyone having time with her dad even pushing her then 3 yr old (full) sister off his lap - and she still does it now with her sister but not so much with me.

If he starts an activity with DSD2, DSD1 will immediately say "daddy can you do that with me next?" which kind of puts a time limit on Dsd2.

I have a good relationship with her but she's very controlling and bossy (with her sister not with me as I have always had very firm boundaries with her) - and I have made time to do stuff with her like cooking and always let her hold his hand, have cuddles over me, sit next to him at dinner because looking at the bigger picture those things are more important for her at the moment.

I think she's older and is more affected than her younger sister by her dad not being there (and being away at sea a lot) and has seen and got attached to numerous blokes her mum has been with. She sucks her thumb, is quite immature for her age and still wets the bed.

If I tell her off she will want to talk to me after like she needs me to reassure her that I still love her and she gets very upset and protective of me if OH and I argue.

Your DSD sounds similar and for what it's worth try to build a relationship without pandering - and let her have the affection first - she won't always need it and it's only 30% of the time.

I have to take a back seat when OH has been away for four months and we have had no contact at all - but he's their dad.

It's hard but just try not to let it annoy you (I know sometimes you want to scream) she's just a kid who needs her dad - however irritating

Oh candy - we had the same thing with food - we have it all the time. We often have "one pot" meals and before i have seconds i always ask the kids. DSD1 will only ever take seconds if she thinks i am going to have some and will then leave it which pi**es me off as i've missed out but not so a kid can have more!!!

weathergames and candy - what you describe is familiar to me as well.

Also agree with Weathergames that you have to try to let the smaller stuff go, even if it annoys you. DSCs (12 and nearly 10) insist on sitting next to DH at dinner, or if we are ever on a train/plane, on the sofa, hold his hand and to have his full attention. No point trying to fight a battle over those things. I want to do all those things with my kids too so far better to let you each get on with it. Some how it's easier when you let go about the small stuff (although I still get stupidly annoyed about DSS's sulking and greediness).

My DSDs are really tall for their age and eat a lot.

It used to really piss me off when they took seconds but didn't eat it. Then they told me their packed lunches are "tiny" (I don't think for 1 second they are) and when they have school dinners they don't fill them up.

I figure they are just hungry and sometimes misjudge how much they can eat (and possibly are worried about everyone else having seconds and them missing out when there is none left) so I always ask them if they are sure (would you like to half that sausage/fajita between you) and if a bit goes to waste not to sweat it - DSD1 told me that she loves coming here because I do "massive" portions

Her mother doesn't like me and hates that me and my kids live with him. She told dp that she chose her new man because he didn't have young children so that dsd would not "have to compete" for attention and would get the full attention of all adults. Dp is "stupid and inconsiderate" for choosing me because I have kids and its not fair on dsd. She has also told dsd, right from the beginning that she's not here to see me or my kids, she's only here to see her dad. Ex has also called me a gold digger which is hilarious as dp has nothing, ex got the bloody lot in the divorce! She actively turns her back on me if we are in the same vicinity. Even handing over dsds belongings one day, she took them and turned her back on me without a word. It's no wonder her child is so rude. And dp goes all Disney as she's hardly here now her mum moved away.

I'm sure he's worth it but the stress of the last two years do make me wobble a bit at times.

I think little girls and their dads is very very difficult - they are tiny women after all.

I don't mind if it's just that they misjudge it but i know DSD1 does it just to make sure i don't get it... she can be very spiteful. Whoever said upthread that a child couldn't be manipulative clearly has no idea what some kids are capable of!!!

Little girls can be manipulative.

Even my own DD

coffee - are you me??!!

I haven't heard the gold-digger one yet but we have had a lot of her saying "daddy should be spending time just the 3 of you" and she generally makes things difficult. She will ring DP up and have a whinge about me but won't acknowledge that the fact that i actually do A LOT for her kids...

She hasn't got a new partner - she has had a guy but the kids never met him as it was very on and off - however she told them EVERYTHING about him so they are now getting a warped view of relationships.... ggrrrrr

His EXW (get get on fine these days) suggested we should have his kids on the weekends my kids are at their dads (this is the person who always checks in on FB at the pub 20 mins after the kids have been collected!!) I was like "erm - and when do I get a break?! "

haven't read all the posts but it might be worth bearing in mind that her behaviour might not be what it seems at all, she might have other problems that she finds to hard to talk about, or doesn't know how to talk about, but she knows how to vent negativity in this tried and trusted way, even tho it's not necessarily related to what the actual problem is.