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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH treats me like an employee...

189 replies

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 08:26

AIBU to be sick of this?!

In recent weeks, my husband has started treating me like I am his employee (Maid, laundress, nanny, chef all rolled into one). We have always made decisions together, talked about everything and spent our free time together. We had DD 5 months ago, and at first, DH was all in, helping with every aspect of the childcare, doing the odd load of laundry, washing up after dinner while I put DD to bed etc.
But the last few weeks, a switch seems to have flicked in his brain, where he no longer sees me as his wife, but as his employee. I do everything for DD. And I mean everything. When he comes home from work, I have to pester him to spend time with her...Like, she could be on her playmat on the floor, whinging because she can't reach a toy, and he will just sit there, eyes glued to his xbox, unless I come in and tell him to help her! There could be a pile of washing up from dinner in the sink, I go up to put DD to bed, and the washing up will still be sat there when I come down, even though he has been in the kitchen to make himself a drink. I wash, dry, iron and fold his laundry and leave it in a basket in front of the wardrobe because he says he wants to put his own laundry away in the right places....only it doesn't get put it away. It just sits there.
I never do anything for myself. For example, it's now Friday, I haven't had a shower since Tuesday because I spend every waking moment making sure DD and DH are sorted with everything they need. DH is in the RAF, so when he is away on training exercises, or he is off doing days on the shooting range, his job can involve long days/nights, but on a normal day, the hardest part of his day is going to the gym twice! He has never been left with DD all day, to realise that its not all sunshine, smiles and drinking coffee with my non-existent friends! AIBU to be feeling very under-appreciated? Or am I being entirely rational, and have every right to be upset about it?

OP posts:
horsewalksintoabar · 21/09/2015 10:51

Oh dear!
My DH was yours a few years back.
I finally told him to eff the eff off with the 1950s housewife role playing or I'd leave.
No games or manipulation.
Don't send messages like letting the dishes pile up or leave him with your DD to forcibly challenge him. Be straight. Put YOU first because babies will drain the life out of you and you'll go loopy if you do it ALL...oh and our lovely men will sit back and let us do it all. I still do way too much. But I've learned to strike a balance.

Get a jumperoo!! Forget bouncers. Up your game. Grin My DC3 LOVED it! They are so popular and worth the ££.

Get a playpen. Take a shower. Honestly, playpens are not jail...they're a safe haven so you can at least sit on the loo and read a magazine. You have got to detatch a bit from DD and take a shower woman. Grin God almighty with my first, he was never more than a centimetre away. My goodness you get to number 2 and 3 and you have to separate a bit. Put a few toys in the pen, it'll buy you 10 minutes.

Get a cleaner, short term. I got one a month before DC3 was born and had her for about a year. I don't have one now because I'm out of the "Oh my God I can't feel my pulse" phase.

Shove everything in the dishwasher. Don't have one? Get one. Believe me. Get a dishwasher.

DH knows how to wash his undies. What did he do when he was a bachelor? He's taking the piss and taking you for granted. Guys do this, the best of them.

Get clothes ironed at your local cleaners. To save money, you can wash them at home and drop them into the cleaners for ironing only or get a service wash and iron. I did this after the kids were born. It's a short term, worthwhile expense. Anything that buys sanity is a good investment.

Your husband is in "We had a baby. Now I'm a selfish pr*ck" mode. I LOVE my DH to death. He is such a great guy. But I do dread having babies because he becomes the most selfish, insular creature... He turns into my 'boss' and I feel like a charwoman. It passes! I promise.Flowers

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/09/2015 10:59

Yay! That's great news. Several brownie points to your DH :)

Btw I think it's great you're not for the soft soap pedalling, but I would say be careful that doesn't tip into accepting meanness under the guise of bluntness. I would make sure you have that line firmly drawn, and you aren't accepting everything just because you know the way people were when you were a teen wasn't helpful for you.

gallicgirl · 21/09/2015 11:09

I don't know what the RAF is like, but I had a friend in the marines who was shit-hot at ironing. I always though basic training forced soldiers to clean, wash and iron really thoroughly so any person in the armed forces ought to be more than capable of housework duties.

PeanutButterFiend · 21/09/2015 11:13

gallicgirl he is fab at ironing....but only irons his uniform! When he lived in the barrack blocks, he was all over cleaning too...guess because I wasn't there to do it for him Hmm

OP posts:
PeanutButterFiend · 21/09/2015 11:17

horsewalksintoabar if only we could afford a cleaner!! I would have one in a heartbeat....but we are in the situation where we are checking every penny off of every receipt so we know where it's all going Confused I'm fine with doing the cleaning and things in between taking care off DD...I'm just not fine with being DH's maid/PA when he comes home! But hopefully we've cracked it now!!

OP posts:
gallicgirl · 21/09/2015 11:18

So he CAN do it but chooses not to.....Hmm

Worth remembering that. Grin

Anyway, I hope he does well this evening and he's turned over a new leaf.

PeanutButterFiend · 21/09/2015 11:20

I hope so too Smile I think he's realised now how much it was upsetting me and now feels bad about it...so is more aware of things that need doing

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 21/09/2015 12:33

My DH gets reminded every now and again that he's not pulling his weight - last week he'd been home and I'd been working he did no laundry so ran out of work shirts. And he will be ironing uniform for school after his shift today at about 10.30 this evening. I refuse to iron - and insist this is his responsibility as he can't list anything other than ironing / lawnmowing on his "things I do day to day list".

I got sick of the wifework and he knows that he benefits.

weepingbirch · 26/09/2015 16:53

Sorry been too busy to get on MN

I am with spoon - you need to have a long hard look at yourself. You say we don't know what it's like for yet you know nothing about where WE are coming from or our experiences. You don't know if I have PTSD or had a high maintenance baby or anything else nor Spoon yet you dismiss our concerns and comments without a glance. Happier to blame your hubby than consider alternatives for yourself.

If you are not able to shower, organise yourself and feel so stressed then I would seriously consider speaking to your GP. This sounds more like depression than anything else and your husband can't fix that, even if he does the washing up occasionally

DixieNormas · 26/09/2015 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weepingbirch · 26/09/2015 21:52

It is easily done, I agree...

But it is not a sign that you are coping well, nor can you continually put yourself at the bottom of the pile without burnt out.

What I am saying is you have to find strategies to manage... Ok your DHs might be going to step in soon to support so it's a time limited thing but if he doesn't or can't what then? Are you never going to shower again?

It's ridiculous

Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 26/09/2015 22:26

weeping get the tin hat on because spoonful was flamed from what I can see!

MySordidCakeSecret · 26/09/2015 22:30

you are def. enabling this. i have a 5 month old too and my dp would never getway with this. If i need to do something, he gets the baby. If i need a hand for example washing up i ask him nicely. If he doesn't do it i leave it and remind him again. Look after yourself op! set the standard.

cosypenguins · 31/12/2015 03:23

I am a little concerned or maybe hopefully relieved that all of this discussion took place 3 months ago. I hope that it all worked out ok. If it did not, please post again.

Anyone who is at the mercy of someone else, as in your case, doing all the unpaid stuff because he is the income generator, it is a situation that leaves you vulnerable.

I know you need some time to do things you need to do, not just luxuries even like taking a shower,(if that can be considered a luxury) but also remember that this is not only about your need to have this very limited freedom, but more importantly there is a need for your child to have parenting from BOTH parents.

I really do hope that things got better.

Believe me, if you neglect yourself, you will not feel good about yourself. This situation can leave you in a situation where DH may end up pointing out that you do not look as well as he would like you to. Do not take care of yourself for him. Do it for yourself. If you do what you need to do for yourself and your child, and he does not do what he needs to do for you or his child, cut your losses. Stay strong, and make sure that you and your child are ok. Do what you need to do to make sure this happens. But, remember, your child needs both parents. If he is not good enough to your husband, keep him in his child's life. Just because he is not a good enough husband does not mean he is not a good enough father. If he is not a good enough father, that is another matter. It si better to have one decent parent than 2 bad ones.

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