Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH treats me like an employee...

189 replies

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 08:26

AIBU to be sick of this?!

In recent weeks, my husband has started treating me like I am his employee (Maid, laundress, nanny, chef all rolled into one). We have always made decisions together, talked about everything and spent our free time together. We had DD 5 months ago, and at first, DH was all in, helping with every aspect of the childcare, doing the odd load of laundry, washing up after dinner while I put DD to bed etc.
But the last few weeks, a switch seems to have flicked in his brain, where he no longer sees me as his wife, but as his employee. I do everything for DD. And I mean everything. When he comes home from work, I have to pester him to spend time with her...Like, she could be on her playmat on the floor, whinging because she can't reach a toy, and he will just sit there, eyes glued to his xbox, unless I come in and tell him to help her! There could be a pile of washing up from dinner in the sink, I go up to put DD to bed, and the washing up will still be sat there when I come down, even though he has been in the kitchen to make himself a drink. I wash, dry, iron and fold his laundry and leave it in a basket in front of the wardrobe because he says he wants to put his own laundry away in the right places....only it doesn't get put it away. It just sits there.
I never do anything for myself. For example, it's now Friday, I haven't had a shower since Tuesday because I spend every waking moment making sure DD and DH are sorted with everything they need. DH is in the RAF, so when he is away on training exercises, or he is off doing days on the shooting range, his job can involve long days/nights, but on a normal day, the hardest part of his day is going to the gym twice! He has never been left with DD all day, to realise that its not all sunshine, smiles and drinking coffee with my non-existent friends! AIBU to be feeling very under-appreciated? Or am I being entirely rational, and have every right to be upset about it?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2015 18:45

Where did I say that's what I'd say, spoonful?

I would offer suggestions of how to have a shower when there's no-one to watch the baby, and suggest she asks her dh to look after the baby so she can shower - I'd just do it kindly and tactfully.

I have mental health issues, and your blunt approach would have felt like bullying to me, and would have made me feel even worse than I was already feeling. And to be honest, you don't have to have mental health issues to be badly hurt by deliberate unkindness - sorry, bluntness.

It sounds as if you wouldn't care how many casualties you leave in your wake, as long as you have been as blunt as you want to be. That is not a nice way to be.

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 19:00

Bullying? Oh for goodness sake!

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 19:01

Sorry SDTG. You lost me on that one.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2015 19:29

Yes - focus on one word, instead of considering the wider point - that your unkind/blunt approach might really hurt or upset someone, and do more harm than good.

I don't think you care at all if you upset someone.

ferretyfeet · 20/09/2015 19:40

I will probably get absolutely flamed for this but I think most women nowadays make a huge fuss about having babies. I had mine in the fifties. we had no central heating,no dishwashers or clothes dryers.clothes had to be put round the fire to dry.We had coal fires which caused dirt and soot,and the toilet was up in the garden.As for showers forget it we didn't even have bathrooms so we had to heat up water in a boiler and pour it in to a tin bath once a week by the fire.ther were six of us in a two up two down terraced house and we just got on with it.We also didn,t have disposable nappies just terry ones that had to be washed and dried daily,admittedly most of us did.nt work full time and I'm pleased that people have all modern ameneties nowadays but please stop making such a fuss about having babies

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 19:41

Giving someone some advice, all be it blunt, is far from bullying. You seem to think you know a lot about me SDTG and you're keen to make plenty of assumptions. I'm not going to do that with you. Also, If you're going to through words like "bullying" about then prepare to be challenged on it Hmm

Goldmandra · 20/09/2015 20:02

ferretyfeet, I think you may be on the wrong forum.

The challenges may be different these days but there are still challenges to being a parent and it's perfectly reasonable to look to others for advice and support.

If you don't want to see people 'making a fuss', don't be on MN.

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 20:19

Just throwing it out there.....DH ran the bath without me having to prompt him, asked me if I would like a cup of tea once DD was in bed and the Xbox hasn't been turned on at all today Wink
I think he genuinely didn't realise how burnt out I am - making out "who does what" lists has definitely made him think about how little he actually did to help! Let's hope this continues. Like I said before, I'm in no way expecting a 50-50 split of all the household stuff, but it would be nice for him to put his own pants in the washing machine instead of in front of it!

OP posts:
spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 20:20

Now you've got him in a good mood peanut ask for a wee holiday or weekend away Wink in all seriousness though, make sure he keeps it up and make sure you get a shower!

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 20:25

spoonfulofgoodness haha he's got a nice juicy bonus coming up from work soon, so I think I will casually drop it into conversation about putting some of it aside for a holiday...considering we didn't have a honeymoon we could use a holiday!
I'm quite confident that he will keep it up, now that he is aware of just how his reluctance to do anything was affecting me - guess he's just one of those blokes who doesn't take hints and needs things explained in very deliberate terms Smile

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2015 20:28

I give up, spoonful - you carry on being harsh blunt, and I will carry on being a decent human being who thinks it is OK to be tactful.

And I will hide this.

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 20:35

SDTG. You need to calm down and back off. Since when did giving someone some advice that's blunt turn you into someone who is not a decent person? Hmm you go on and on and on about being a decent person but quite frankly reading your posts to me suggest you're actually quite the opposite and are happy to be quite rude and blunt yourself Shock so please don't start all your holier than thou shit on here.

JassyRadlett · 20/09/2015 20:59

Spoonful, you're coming across as more than just 'blunt' to me - rather, pretty abrasive. I'm not sure why you think being an engineer makes you special or different? I work with and am friends with plenty who are quite supportive to their friends and can manage to offer constructive, useful advice without name calling. Pity to give all engineers a bad name. Smile

OP - I'm glad things are looking a bit brighter, but make sure he doesn't slip back when back into the working week.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/09/2015 21:06

Spoonful - stop being disingenuous - you didn't give the OP advice; you told her to get a grip in bold.

Everything you said is right there, in black in white on the thread for us to see and refer back to. Confused

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 21:06

Name calling? Hmm deary me. A bit of blunt advice and you're all up in arms Confused how do you all function in the real world? I'm confused about how offering advice, albeit blunt, suddenly means you're not a decent person Confused seems like some people are just a bit....over sensitive.

JassyRadlett · 20/09/2015 21:11

Not up in arms. Just, er, telling it how I see it. Wink

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 21:13

spoonfullofgoodness to be honest, I couldn't care less how blunt/abrasive your advice is - like I said further up the thread, I've spent enough time with teachers/doctors/psychiatrists sugar-coating everything and treating me like a victim. However, telling someone with PTSD to get a gripis most definitely not the way to do it - having said that, I'm happy to take on boards people's advice....obviously everyone has different ways of wording things

OP posts:
Ain626 · 20/09/2015 23:23

I think it sounds like peanut gap made loads of progress with her DH this weekend by having a chat with him.. I do not think the side discussion between a couple of other users is really relevant to this thread anymore...

It sounds like not only does peanut feel loads better about the household chores she is also feeling better about giving her DD a few minutes of alone time. I'm sure she could of chosen to have her shower either before or after her DH went to the gym. She chose to do it whilst he was out, meaning she had the confidence to put DD in her bouncer whilst she did so. A huge step forward from her opening post.

Her DH is taking steps towards being more proactive in parenting and the household chores. He may (as peanut has already stated so I'm sure she won't mind me repeating) need to be told what chores to do sometimes, but that's not a big deal so long as she tells him in a way that suits them as a couple (ie bluntly telling him if that's what he needs or tactful hints if that works better, etc). Sometimes people need to be told what to do, especially if they are not realising what the problem is to start with.

As for slating her DH for going to the gym... I would say he is entitled to an hour at the gym if he wants it. Both of them are entitled to some down time. For DH it is going to have to be outside of work hours. For peanut it is going to have to also probably be out of his working hours so he can have DD. So long as both of them routinely get some 'me' time and they both get some one on one time with DD, and, just as importantly, they enjoy spending time together as a family, what does it matter what each of them does in their own bit of time? Gym, Xbox, visiting family/friends....

It sounds like you and your DH are making positive steps peanut. Remind him if and when you need to about sharing some of the parenting and chores. Continue to grow in confidence with DD. I'm sure she is going to have a fantastic childhood growing up seeing her parents as a partnership. Flowers

rolite · 20/09/2015 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheExMotherInLaw · 21/09/2015 01:58

peanut - well done - and well done to your dh. You must have put it all across to him just right!
I've been that mum who struggled to have a shower at times - especially with second child.
My dh doesn't see what needs doing either - I have to tell him, or leave a list - doesn't matter much, as long as it gets done.
The important thing is that you have recognised and tackled the problem,and your dh is making an effort.
The plain speakers can go take running jump if they'd rather be hurtful than helpful.

Bulbasaur · 21/09/2015 06:11

The I haven't had a shower claim is ludicrous and means that all other statements are likely to be nonsense.

Biscuit You are so edgy! Careful not to cut yourself with all that edge.

You would be surprised at how easy it is to go a few days without showering when you have a young baby, and 5 months is still very young. Three days isn't a terribly long time, I'm not sure why you would think it's so unheard of to skip a shower if you're having anxiety about leaving your baby alone.

Peanut I'm glad you found a way to keep your baby entertained so you can shower. Hopefully as your confidence grows with leaving her alone, she'll learn to be more independent and allow you to get a few things done while she quietly plays with her toys (or gets into everything... gotta pick your battles Wink).

Goldmandra · 21/09/2015 10:10

The I haven't had a shower claim is ludicrous and means that all other statements are likely to be nonsense.

If you're suggesting that the OP is a troll, you should be addressing that concern to MNHQ, not posting it on the thread.

The fact that you haven't experienced what the OP has, doesn't mean it is ridiculous. I have. Does that make me a troll too? Hmm

You may have been confident to leave your baby to cry while you showered or perhaps your baby was happy to be left but, with a little imagination, you should be able to appreciate that we aren't all clones of you and your family.

PeanutButterFiend · 21/09/2015 10:18

Breakthrough!! Before DH left for work this morning, he left me a list of jobs he wanted me NOT to do, because he will do them when he gets home Shock

OP posts:
gallicgirl · 21/09/2015 10:42

Excellent news peanut. I hope your day goes well.

Arkkorox · 21/09/2015 10:45

That is awesome peanut Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread