DH treats me like an employee...

[PeanutButterFiend]

AIBU to be sick of this?!

In recent weeks, my husband has started treating me like I am his employee (Maid, laundress, nanny, chef all rolled into one). We have always made decisions together, talked about everything and spent our free time together. We had DD 5 months ago, and at first, DH was all in, helping with every aspect of the childcare, doing the odd load of laundry, washing up after dinner while I put DD to bed etc.
But the last few weeks, a switch seems to have flicked in his brain, where he no longer sees me as his wife, but as his employee. I do everything for DD. And I mean everything. When he comes home from work, I have to pester him to spend time with her...Like, she could be on her playmat on the floor, whinging because she can't reach a toy, and he will just sit there, eyes glued to his xbox, unless I come in and tell him to help her! There could be a pile of washing up from dinner in the sink, I go up to put DD to bed, and the washing up will still be sat there when I come down, even though he has been in the kitchen to make himself a drink. I wash, dry, iron and fold his laundry and leave it in a basket in front of the wardrobe because he says he wants to put his own laundry away in the right places....only it doesn't get put it away. It just sits there.
I never do anything for myself. For example, it's now Friday, I haven't had a shower since Tuesday because I spend every waking moment making sure DD and DH are sorted with everything they need. DH is in the RAF, so when he is away on training exercises, or he is off doing days on the shooting range, his job can involve long days/nights, but on a normal day, the hardest part of his day is going to the gym twice! He has never been left with DD all day, to realise that its not all sunshine, smiles and drinking coffee with my non-existent friends! AIBU to be feeling very under-appreciated? Or am I being entirely rational, and have every right to be upset about it?

Putting her in a bouncy chair, where you can see her and she can see you, so you can have a shower is not going to do her any harm, even if she doesn't like it. If she cries a little bit, that is also not going to hurt her for a few minutes.

Hand your dh the baby tomorrow and go out for a few hours.

At 5 months old even if you had an 80hr week full time job you would still be on maternity leave. So don't feel guilty for that! Stop doing things for him until he pulls his weight and does the same for you

Op you're on maternity leave so your job is to look after your dd, you've obviously got this idea in your head about being the perfect wife and mum, it doesn't exist! You two need to be a team, that's how parenting works. When he gets home he should be doing an equal share of chores and looking after your dd.

I find it extraordinary that he hasn't had her for a full day at 5 months! Theres no excuse! Why is he playing on the x box and ignoring her? That's crap. Especially if you haven't had a shower. You should be going off to have a shower whilst he spends time with her. If he's working and he hasn't seen her all day they should be spending some time together. She is both your child, not just yours and it's time he realised this. Stop doing it all. You don't need to do all the housework, you can't have a show home and a child. The two don't go together.

He goes out to work, you stay at home and work.

If he says that you do nothing all week, then the correct response is 'Brilliant, you can do nothing all weekend while I go and stay in a hotel.' It's funny how with men like this, if you're looking after the baby, it's 'nothing' but if they're looking after the baby it's the hardest job in the entire world.

Don't let this drift on or you may get to the point where you're so stressed out you start to hate him - it's very hard to come back from that. He has to realise too that he's missing out - these baby years are very very short and if he avoids his DD he'll wake up one day to find she's a little girl he hardly knows. If he refuses to step up then you'll have to consider whether it's worth staying with him. If you're skivvying around after him while he does nothing then your life would be easier as a single parent - you wouldn't have to tidy up after a lazy adult.

You do work, you look after the baby you both decided to create. If you make yourself ill how will he go to work if he has to care for you and DD?
Have that shower and do your hair, pull on your big girl pants and talk to him. He may not have realised you needed or wanted help. Give him his daughter and tell him she needs a bath, clean nappy or whatever.You don't have to be superwoman

You need to start making it clear that jobs are shared 50/50 when your DH is at home. I think lots of couples have this issue when the first baby arrives.

I always found a simple "Right, DC needs a bath & then bed, the dishes need doing & clothes need putting away before we can relax. Which would you prefer to do?" Or "I'll do the dishes if you see to DC, OK? Then we can both sort the clothes quickly before relaxing." or something along those lines.

I always find my DH responds much better to a statement of what needs doing and an expectation that the chores will be shared, rather than a 'can you help me attitude?'

You also need to start regularly leaving your DH alone with your DD, even if it's only for half an hour or so, while you have a relaxing bath, or pop out to shops etc.

WhoTheFIsJeff "you've obviously got this idea in your head about being the perfect wife and mum" - you hit the nail on the head there. I definitely do have that going on. It's an on-going issue with me. I had a traumatic childhood, and suffer with PTSD as a result...I am adamant that I will give my daughter everything I didn't have - which means a safe, clean, tidy home, where she has food and clean clothes. I am now starting to realise that it's not possible to create the perfect picture whilst looking after myself as well

I find it extraordinary that he hasn't had her for a full day at 5 months! Theres no excuse!
Seriously? I can think of plenty!

Just wanted to add this is a classic problem that most people face in the first few months, your DH is not the first and won't be the last to be like this at first and I promise if you talk about it sensibly, it will get easier with time and practice.
Your DD is getting to an age where going out is a bit more feasible for longer lengths of times. Do you go to lots of baby groups? They get you out of the house in the day so you don't have to look at the washing/cleaning, then you can do that stuff as a team at night. Try and make maternity leave fun for you rather than being a serf in your own home. Even just a sure start group or a mother and toddler group can really give you a reason to get a shower and out and make your life seem more than just 'desperate housewife'

OP you are going to work. Looking after a baby is a full-time job, it's 24/7 so much more work than most jobs. He should be doing his job when he does it, then when he's at home he should be slitting spare time with you – all the housework, admin and babycare should be 50/50 so you both get a break.

You've described how what you do is so full-on you can't even get time for a shower.

If it was a piece of piss and "not work" looking after a baby and a house, he'd be happy to do it presumably. Yet we see he shirks it constantly. Interesting! Get him told. And get him experiencing looking after his own child properly so that it realises it IS work - harder work than going out to work! (Where at least you get a lunch break, can poo in peace and get to clock off)

Can I suggest going on a strike? I did this and it became abundantly clear when DH ran out of clean underwear and socks! My response " did you wash any?" Well there's your answer there aren't any clean! He got the message loud and clear!

But you want to give her a mum who isn't a wreck too.

I do understand... I went without showering for days and somehow couldn't find time to eat or drink when DS1 was a newborn. I put him first (I still do 13 years on), but I eventually learned that looking after myself had to be factored in or I wouldn't be able to look after the baby properly and then I really would be letting him down.

Look, I said I would write a novel while on mat leave. How ridiculous is that? It's laughable! Having a beautiful tidy house with an empty washing basket in nigh on impossible with a very needy little baby attached to you all day long. I quickly learnt that many jobs would result in my stress levels sky high because you have to constantly hear baby grumble/cry if you are not cuddling them or talking to them. You don't get mat leave to get your house in order, you get it because babies are really dependent on you. That's way you split tasks in the evening instead. You are not a SAHM with children who can entertain themselves, you are on mat leave to recover from the birth and nurture your DD.

Have some op. Actually forget that have some and

It's really important to look after yourself too. I find I'm a much better parent if I still get some me time. You need a break every now and again, just being able to have a shower without worrying about your dd. That's what your dh should be doing.

When my dh comes home he baths the dc and gets them ready for bed because he hasn't seen them all day. He also sent me off upstairs for half an hour by myself. This is what your dh should be doing, not playing x box! The game changes when you have dc.

You can still do all these things op, but you don't have to completely exhaust yourself doing it. You will end up resenting your dh and your dd will grow up not really knowing him.

I find it extraordinary that he hasn't had her for a full day at 5 months! Theres no excuse!
Seriously? I can think of plenty!

Apart from breastfeeding, name one?

Put your little one in the bouncer, it won't hurt her and she'll get more used to it as a result. She may cry but that's fine, it's just her way of whinging it doesn't actually mean anything is wrong.

To cheer you up OP

He sounds like a dick but I genuinely can't understand how you haven't been able to have a shower.

Tomorrow, hand her over to him and go out. Even if you have nowhere to go, go to library and read a paper, anything. Stay away and let him deal with everything.

when my second child was 5 months, my dh was a bit like this, we also had a 20month old who still woke frequently at night, i was breastfeeding both and i was exhausted. so one friday he came home and i handed him the babies, a supply of pumped milk and i left. i didn't come back til monday morning and from then on he was a new man who did his fair share of everything. drastic but effective.

I find it extraordinary that he hasn't had her for a full day at 5 months! Theres no excuse!

Really?! Our youngest is 6 months old and my husband has never had him for a full day. Why? He is exclusively breastfed, so can't be away from me for more than about 3hrs (trying to feed him as much as possible during the day to help him sleep longer at night). I can't express milk for him as mine has too much lipase and goes off within about an hour. He'll have to eventually go on to formula, but I don't want to do that until I start back at work and have no choice.

And if you read back, I said apart from breastfeeding.

I wonder whether you're suffering from a bit of PND as well as from a thoughtless husband.

I found my mind didn't work in the same way in the first few months after having a baby. If I were babysitting a baby now, I'd have a shower with it in the bouncy chair and if the baby cried I would still stay in the shower. When my children were little I couldn't concentrate on the shower if the baby was crying - I felt like I was running around in circles. And at the end of the day, of course, it feels as though nothing's been done because of the constant interruptions.

Could you talk to your health visitor or GP, OP? It might just be that your husband's being selfish at the moment and if he pulled himself together you'd be okay, or it might be that you still need a bit of help.

I do get the shower thing: a friend trying to do it all "right" (and with a lazy partner in her case) went through similar and advised me not to go down that road! bouncy chairs are brilliant for this. DD1 screamed the whole time but basic hygiene is essential!

You might find it helpful to speak to someone about your MH since you have had MH problems in the past, could be at risk now when you're so busy and tired.

Caring for your DC and the home are as much your DH's role as yours (even if you do more "hours"/tasks overall): and it's not possible to make everything "perfect". Nothing will be as good if you're not OK.

Please stop some things and start taking time for yourself and reminding him of his responsibilities.

Hopefully things will improve after discussion and he will do more: if not you might want to think about returning to work in the relatively near future - being a SAHM is great if it's what you all want and you have a supportive partner.

Not so much an employee, but he is treating you like his mum and he is a lazy teenage boy. Extremely immature, and clueless.

But even teenagers have to help out at times.

Good luck talking to him today, this might just be the kick up the arse that he needs when he reads this thread.