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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH treats me like an employee...

189 replies

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 08:26

AIBU to be sick of this?!

In recent weeks, my husband has started treating me like I am his employee (Maid, laundress, nanny, chef all rolled into one). We have always made decisions together, talked about everything and spent our free time together. We had DD 5 months ago, and at first, DH was all in, helping with every aspect of the childcare, doing the odd load of laundry, washing up after dinner while I put DD to bed etc.
But the last few weeks, a switch seems to have flicked in his brain, where he no longer sees me as his wife, but as his employee. I do everything for DD. And I mean everything. When he comes home from work, I have to pester him to spend time with her...Like, she could be on her playmat on the floor, whinging because she can't reach a toy, and he will just sit there, eyes glued to his xbox, unless I come in and tell him to help her! There could be a pile of washing up from dinner in the sink, I go up to put DD to bed, and the washing up will still be sat there when I come down, even though he has been in the kitchen to make himself a drink. I wash, dry, iron and fold his laundry and leave it in a basket in front of the wardrobe because he says he wants to put his own laundry away in the right places....only it doesn't get put it away. It just sits there.
I never do anything for myself. For example, it's now Friday, I haven't had a shower since Tuesday because I spend every waking moment making sure DD and DH are sorted with everything they need. DH is in the RAF, so when he is away on training exercises, or he is off doing days on the shooting range, his job can involve long days/nights, but on a normal day, the hardest part of his day is going to the gym twice! He has never been left with DD all day, to realise that its not all sunshine, smiles and drinking coffee with my non-existent friends! AIBU to be feeling very under-appreciated? Or am I being entirely rational, and have every right to be upset about it?

OP posts:
KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 18/09/2015 16:14

It's odd you mention he suddenly changed. As he's in the RAF, there's been a lot of talk about extending air strikes into Syria. Could he be seeing active service soon? Could that be on his mind and changing his personality?

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 16:35

KanyeWestPresidentForLife not a chance at the moment - he's part of the RAF's ground fighting force so he will not be going anywhere in the near future! If I'm honest, it seems like he just gets frustrated with DD over the smallest things. When she was tiny and couldn't do anything for herself he was fine because she slept all the tine...but now she can manoeuvre around the living room, and play with toys he seems annoyed, as if she interrupts his free time...then looks at me like I've got seven heads if I say something about it.

OP posts:
BoskyCat · 18/09/2015 16:45

I think the "change" sounds like the novelty of having a baby has worn off now he's realised it's bloody hard work, and he's trying to shuffle that work off onto you so he can go back to just pleasing himself. To be fair I think all parents get that feeling of OMG this is exhausting – but by not pulling his weight he's basically revealing a lot of selfishness/also quite likely sexism.

WalfordEast · 18/09/2015 16:49

Good for you. Stick to it. When he comes in from work at night, go straight to the bathroom. No arguments, no discussion. Enjoy a nice hot shower or soak in the bath.

And if you need a morning off every now and then- take it.

And maybe leave the wipes/nappies in obvious view so no inept phone calls are required.

AskingForAPal · 18/09/2015 17:01

I hate to ask but have you had a shower yet? :o

Would it be easy to pinch some crucial part of his XBox tomorrow? A controller or lead? Otherwise I would suspect he will be glued to it. Not that that's your problem but I think the bugger deserves to be without it for a day, and actually look his child in the eye.

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 17:10

AskingForAPal yes I have...I went when he got home from work Grin
I'm contemplating just taking the wire that connects it to the TV with me tomorrow and see how he gets on being Xbox-less for a day

OP posts:
AskingForAPal · 18/09/2015 17:12

Literally just do it. Even better if you can take something that looks like it could go accidentally like a controller ("Oh, i thought it was my phone...")

WhoTheFIsJeff · 18/09/2015 17:34

Do it, else he'll play x box and ignore your dd.

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/09/2015 17:34

If he's in the RAF, he can presumably take care of himself if he crash lands in the Sahara. No way he can't cope in a house if his wife takes a shower or doesn't do all the laundry and cooking.

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 17:41

ShebaShimmyShake it's more a case of "won't" rather than "can't"....if I don't do it, it doesn't get done! I'm pretty sure that if I stopped doing his laundry, he would just buy new pants when he ran out of clean ones rather than wash them himself

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 18/09/2015 17:55

Well, you could try it - going on strike and seeing what he does...

weepingbirch · 18/09/2015 18:16

I have been a single parent since day one and haven ever re gone days without showering....

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 18:42

Well yippee for you Hmm

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 18/09/2015 18:45
Grin
RandomSocks · 18/09/2015 18:52

I get the showering thing. I also get putting the DC first and wanting to make it perfect for them. But a happy mum is important, which means it is fine to make the DC wait or do something that isn't their first preference at moments when you need to look after yourself.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/09/2015 18:55

Touché peanut Grin

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 19:25

TheDowagerCuntess no time for people galloping in on their highest of horses....
An update on the situation: After making our lists earlier, and me trying to make DH understand that I am burnt out, he cleaned DD up after her messy dinner (carrot=orange hair), without me asking him to, and ran her bath without being asked to...he has now promptly returned to his Xbox, but turned to me and said "shall we watch True Blood at 8?"...I think someone knows he has done wrong and is grovelling

OP posts:
TheOddity · 18/09/2015 19:33

Good for you. He does sound very attached to his Xbox. I think a day of 'rehab' is necessary. Take the controllers! Do it ;-)
If he phones to say baby is crying inconsolably, don't go home! He is one of her primary carers and major lesson he needs to learn is how to settle her. This is pretty likely to happen so prepare yourself....

Fratelli · 18/09/2015 20:08

Put baby in bouncer in the bathroom whilst you shower, it's what I do. Or shower when baby's napping. Don't wait until your dh has what he needs, he's an adult he can sort himself out. Have a good talk with him and if it doesn't change go on strike! I had to just to get my oh to do anything!

weepingbirch · 18/09/2015 20:08

You think that because I showered I didn't put my child first?

You need to grow a little bit - I have never had another adult to had over to at home but managed to breastfeed, work, study, clean the house, eat, drink, wash clothes, socialise (to a point), sleep (well as much as you can!) and why?

Because if I hadn't I would have been even MORE exhausted and probably have ended up unwell and unable to care for my child.

You can not blame your partner for not showering... It's utterly ridiculous... He might be lazy, not doing his share, yadda, yadda, yadda but YOU have the power to change YOUR approach more successfully than you can change his...

And don't take the piss - it's not been a fucking party the last 11 years - no option here to leave child and a list of instructions - I was pointing out you don't HAVE to live the way you are and that it is entirely possibly to care for a child and wash with no help.

shutupanddance · 18/09/2015 20:13

Op put baby somwere safe and shower. Little bouncey seat? Watching you. You can be out in less than 5 mintues

MiniCooperLover · 18/09/2015 20:17

OP, please make it clear to him that being on his own with the little one tomorrow is not a green light for him to stick her on the floor and just Xbox all day !!! Have a great day otherwise

shebird · 18/09/2015 20:52

I think also I felt like you about not working after my first until one day I just lost it with DH. He had no idea how I was feeling because I was putting on such a brave face doing it all and wanting to be the perfect mum. This guilt for being at home is something you need to overcome. You do not have to work yourself to death in the home to compensate for not going out to work. You are doing an important job which also allows your DH to work.

Ain626 · 18/09/2015 20:55

From reading the thread and his response to your discussion and making lists it seems to me that he may have just been completely ignorant to how much you were burning out.

We haven't got DC yet (so not the same), but DH and I both have full on jobs, but I was doing most of the housework, cooking, etc. We had a bit of a chat about it and he seemed to genuinely not realise (and I do believe him) how much I was doing compared to him. We now settle for the 'lived in' look for the house as opposed to 'show home' look, he does a lot more than he used to, and I am far happier and feel a lot less like I am being taken for granted. At his request (he openly admits that he seems to just see past mess) I sometimes tell him what needs to be done and say something like 'X and Y needs doing which one would you rather do?', or we'll blast some music for half an hour and do as much housework as we can between us in that time before sitting down and watching a TV show together or something. The one thing I can't seem to get him to do though is put dirty plates and bowls into the dishwasher instead of on top of it...! Ah well. Things are generally much better all because we had that discussion together. Hopefully your discussion with him will have a similar effect.

Smile
Goldmandra · 18/09/2015 21:17

I had to point out to my DH that, if he tried to parent and do whatever he was doing on the PC at the same time, the children would feel they were being ignored and he would be irritated by the interruptions. It just hadn't occurred to him that you can't do computers and small children simultaneously and he hadn't realised that this was the reason all hell broke loose every time I went out.

It helped immensely when he stopped trying to do the computer bit and just concentrated on the children.

It won't do your baby any harm to be left to whinge long enough for you to shower. Contrary to some people's belief, 5 month old babies don't get spoiled by responsive parenting and they don't learn to be more self sufficient by being ignored but that doesn't mean you can't ever do it.

Put her in her bouncy chair, shower and sing loudly. If she cries, she cries. It won't hurt her and she needs you to look after yourself as well as her.