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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH treats me like an employee...

189 replies

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 08:26

AIBU to be sick of this?!

In recent weeks, my husband has started treating me like I am his employee (Maid, laundress, nanny, chef all rolled into one). We have always made decisions together, talked about everything and spent our free time together. We had DD 5 months ago, and at first, DH was all in, helping with every aspect of the childcare, doing the odd load of laundry, washing up after dinner while I put DD to bed etc.
But the last few weeks, a switch seems to have flicked in his brain, where he no longer sees me as his wife, but as his employee. I do everything for DD. And I mean everything. When he comes home from work, I have to pester him to spend time with her...Like, she could be on her playmat on the floor, whinging because she can't reach a toy, and he will just sit there, eyes glued to his xbox, unless I come in and tell him to help her! There could be a pile of washing up from dinner in the sink, I go up to put DD to bed, and the washing up will still be sat there when I come down, even though he has been in the kitchen to make himself a drink. I wash, dry, iron and fold his laundry and leave it in a basket in front of the wardrobe because he says he wants to put his own laundry away in the right places....only it doesn't get put it away. It just sits there.
I never do anything for myself. For example, it's now Friday, I haven't had a shower since Tuesday because I spend every waking moment making sure DD and DH are sorted with everything they need. DH is in the RAF, so when he is away on training exercises, or he is off doing days on the shooting range, his job can involve long days/nights, but on a normal day, the hardest part of his day is going to the gym twice! He has never been left with DD all day, to realise that its not all sunshine, smiles and drinking coffee with my non-existent friends! AIBU to be feeling very under-appreciated? Or am I being entirely rational, and have every right to be upset about it?

OP posts:
clam · 20/09/2015 13:22

Hang on, isn't your dh around today? Why couldn't he deal with her whilst you showered?

petalsandstars · 20/09/2015 13:44

Tired and in need of a rest perhaps? Hmm

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 13:57

I left the washing up and he did it this morning...even though I did have to ask him. And he was at the gym when I went for a shower - hence the baby in the bouncer

OP posts:
clam · 20/09/2015 15:13

I'm hoping that Hmm was aimed at him.

And I'm staggered that he would go to the gym, knowing that you've been so pushed for time this week that you haven't managed a shower.

Grazia1984 · 20/09/2015 15:17

Most new fathers have to give up going to the gym and mothers for that matter due to the need to provide babycare though. Even the gym is a stand out item in equal couples in looking into this marriage.

clam · 20/09/2015 15:26

So, do we have yet another bloke here who thinks childcare is a piece of cake and just "sitting around" when the woman does it, but counts as hard work on top of a day at the office when he's expected to do it?

petalsandstars · 20/09/2015 16:13

Yes clam ^ and that was my thoughts too - perhaps he's off for some "me time " at the gym. Because yesterday was so hard^ leaving OP with the baby again!

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 16:21

Well unfortunately if he doesn't go to the gym and keep himself fit enough to do his job properly, he wouldn't have a job...so there's no way in hell I would ever ask him to stop going to the gym!

OP posts:
TiggyD · 20/09/2015 16:30

Bring up the issue in your next performance review.

petalsandstars · 20/09/2015 16:31

It's the timing that looks unfortunate if that's the case. Has he pulled his weight otherwise today?

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 16:34

More or less yes!! I'm not expecting a full-on 50-50 share of all the housework and childcare, but what I do need is a bit of help with things. I've still had to ask him to do the things he has done today, but I can live with that!!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2015 16:47

Spoonfulofgoodness - it's not so much whT you said, but how you said it. Telling the OP to get a grip, and she's doing herself no favours - things like that have a somewhat harsh tone, and whilst it is good advice, it could have been presented in a slightly less abrasive manner.

WaggleBee · 20/09/2015 16:50

Sounds like it's going much better to me. Might take a little longer to get everything adjusted but so far so good. Well done for taking action. Remember that no-one can be perfect. Your DC won't have the childhood you had because she has you as her Mum. Flowers

I get the feeling some posters get annoyed if the DP doesn't turn out to be a total waste of space and start adding in things that aren't there.

clam · 20/09/2015 16:56

I wasn't suggesting you asked him to stop going, but the very least he could have done would have been to have waited until you were sorted and ready for your day before going out.

Do you ever get time to go to the gym, but the way?

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 17:10

WaggleBee I've enjoyed my day instead of being stressed out about getting everything done by myself - yes I have had to ask DH to do the things he has done, but all in all, I would call that a successful day!
clam I'm not that bothered about gym timings now that I know DD will sit in her bouncer without kicking up a storm Smile

OP posts:
spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 17:15

sdtg that's what I think though and I'm telling her the truth Hmm I'm not about to sugar coat it. If OP continues down the line she's currently pursuing then she's going to make it much worse for herself and end up incredibly depressed. She needs to make time for herself to complete the basics. As she's seen, her DC may cry for a couple of minutes and then will find something else to play with. Her husband needs to be told that heal needs to pull his socks up and that parenting is a partnership

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 17:17

OP continue with allowing your DC to have a few minutes on her own and shell recognise that you're always going to come back to her. I had to do it with my DS. It does work and the 5 min you have to yourself can feel like heaven

Grazia1984 · 20/09/2015 17:18

He can easily do press ups at home and run with the pram though. The idea you need to go to a gym to be fit enough for the RAF is a myth. He's conning you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2015 17:33

Do you have to be abrasive, though, spoonful? Do you think it is always the best approach? If you can achieve the same result without being unkind, isn't that better?

Fwiw, 'I don't sugar coat things' sounds awfully like 'I pride myself on telling it how it is' - and I've seen that described as an excuse for being bloody rude and nasty more than once on MN

If I decided not to sugar coat things, and told you I thought you were enjoying being nasty to the OP, would you be OK with that?

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 17:34

Grazia1984 like I said further up the thread, he is not part of the flying side or the "sit on my arse" side of the RAF....he is part of the RAF Regiment - the RAF's infantry troops - he needs to be fit. You seem to have more of a problem with him going to the gym than I do Hmm

OP posts:
spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 17:49

If that's how you feel then who am I to argue with you, SDTG?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2015 17:54

Well - at least you can take it as well as dishing it out. I still think a little kindness and care go a long way and are better than deliberate abrasiveness.

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 17:56

let me put it this way SDTG, if I were in the same situation as OP re not showering for three days when solutions are available I would hope to God that someone would be blunt with me and tell me how it is and to get myself into the shower tout suite and the baby will be fine in a cot for 5 minutes Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2015 18:03

You do realise, though, that not everyone is like you, and for some people, the 'tough love', blunt approach might do more harm than good?

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 18:28

And the "oh don't worry there's nothing wrong with not washing for three days" approach is great? To be honest SDTG I'm a civil engineer working with men day in day out and DH is a Civ Eng too so this namby pamby approach doesn't really resonate with me. It's the blunt truth from me but I appreciate if it's not to your liking