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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH treats me like an employee...

189 replies

PeanutButterFiend · 18/09/2015 08:26

AIBU to be sick of this?!

In recent weeks, my husband has started treating me like I am his employee (Maid, laundress, nanny, chef all rolled into one). We have always made decisions together, talked about everything and spent our free time together. We had DD 5 months ago, and at first, DH was all in, helping with every aspect of the childcare, doing the odd load of laundry, washing up after dinner while I put DD to bed etc.
But the last few weeks, a switch seems to have flicked in his brain, where he no longer sees me as his wife, but as his employee. I do everything for DD. And I mean everything. When he comes home from work, I have to pester him to spend time with her...Like, she could be on her playmat on the floor, whinging because she can't reach a toy, and he will just sit there, eyes glued to his xbox, unless I come in and tell him to help her! There could be a pile of washing up from dinner in the sink, I go up to put DD to bed, and the washing up will still be sat there when I come down, even though he has been in the kitchen to make himself a drink. I wash, dry, iron and fold his laundry and leave it in a basket in front of the wardrobe because he says he wants to put his own laundry away in the right places....only it doesn't get put it away. It just sits there.
I never do anything for myself. For example, it's now Friday, I haven't had a shower since Tuesday because I spend every waking moment making sure DD and DH are sorted with everything they need. DH is in the RAF, so when he is away on training exercises, or he is off doing days on the shooting range, his job can involve long days/nights, but on a normal day, the hardest part of his day is going to the gym twice! He has never been left with DD all day, to realise that its not all sunshine, smiles and drinking coffee with my non-existent friends! AIBU to be feeling very under-appreciated? Or am I being entirely rational, and have every right to be upset about it?

OP posts:
gallicgirl · 19/09/2015 11:10

Well done peanut. I hope it goes well. I totally get where you're coming from and had moments like that with DD1. DP used to say to just leave her to cry but it is hard to do that even if you know she's safe.

DD is now 4 and we have 6 month old DS and I'm a lot more relaxed this time around. Saying that, DP still doesn't have children by himself but I know he's capable as he looked after DD full time when he was out of work for a few months. My fear is that if he was the stay-at-home-dad, he'd get loads of shit done and do a better job than me!! Grin

Let us know how it goes.

Missdread · 19/09/2015 11:19

Peanut, you're not one of my RAF wife friends are you?!!! They're all like this, military men I mean. Mine works extraordinary hard for his Sqn but he comes home and does nothing to help me. It's just presumed that I sort everything...it does get me down, especially when he just ups and leaves for the middle East for months on end. I think they're just so used to ordering people about at work they all do the same to their wives! Hmm

WhoTheFIsJeff · 19/09/2015 11:26

I hope you've gone out as planned peanut.

PeanutButterFiend · 19/09/2015 14:06

I have indeed gone out, I am currently sat with my feet in a pedicure spa in my sister's conservatory Grin

OP posts:
WhoTheFIsJeff · 19/09/2015 14:49

Excellent! Have you heard from DH yet? And more importantly did you hide the x box controller? Enjoy!

spoonfulofgoodness · 19/09/2015 21:27

I had sympathy until you said you e not had a shower since Tuesday. get a grip I have a child of 14 months, a husband who works away and a full time job and whilst I think you are a bit hard done by I don't think you're doing yourself any favours. If you can't sort out a 5 min shower then he'll mend you

WhoTheFIsJeff · 20/09/2015 07:58

So how did your day go Peanut? Hope you enjoyed it!

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 08:07

My day went well :) only had 2 phone calls from DH. One asking what he should give DD for dinner, and another asking how often he can put anbesol on her gums...so I would call that a success. He was very flustered when I got home, there was a pile of washing up that resembled Everest, and there was orange pasta splats on the cupboards and the fridge, so I'm hoping he has realised just how much I actually do for him!

OP posts:
PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 08:09

spoonfulofgoodness I appreciate that not everyone struggles the way I do....but not everyone is trying to juggle being a good mum with keeping PTSD under control Hmm

OP posts:
Grazia1984 · 20/09/2015 08:15

This is sexism at play and you chose to marry an RAF man so what do you expect? My suggestion is you go back to full time work ASAP (I went back full time in weeks and surprise surprise there was no sexism at home!) and make sure it is ajob where you are away a few nights and your husband is forced to make childcare arrangements if he is also working at those times. This works brilliantly.

Well done on the day you weren't there but make sure it is as often you are away as he is.

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 08:18

Grazia1984 I did choose to marry a RAF man, but I'm not sure what you're getting at when you say "what did you expect" ??
Full time work is most definitely not an option for me, there's no way we can afford to put DD into full time childcare, and honestly? I wouldn't want to!

OP posts:
Grazia1984 · 20/09/2015 08:25

Well it worked for us and I earned eventually 10x what my children's father earned so even though we had a year where childcare cost 50% of each of our net salaries it was a great long term investment.

The army and RAF is full o f sexist men who see little women's place as at home. It is old fashioned and although I know some women can now fight on the front line it seems to attract particularly sexist men. I might be wrong though. you might tell me most of the wives work full time and out earn their husbands! I would love that to be so.

Bulbasaur · 20/09/2015 08:30

Yeah, my husband tried that for a bit too. We had a talk, and split the shifts so that he gets certain times, and I do too so we get equal free time. I just plop baby on his lap and leave him to it. He's a parent too, he figured out how to keep her happy through trial and error just like I had to.

But as for showers, I put DD in the cot with some novelty toys she only gets while I shower and let her have play time for a bit. The first few times she cried, but once she got used to the routine she has come to enjoy it and kicks ME out of her room so she can play alone once I put her in her crib. Sometime I get to relax for a bit afterwards as she's still content. I would say that now your DD is mobile, that might be a good strategy. Learning to keep yourself entertained is a skill you need to learn like any other.

allnewredfairy · 20/09/2015 09:53

My DH is housework blind. I used to sit and simmer if he didn't do tasks that I thought were obvious. Turns out if I ask him to do a job he gets up and does it. If I leave a list of jobs before I go out its usually done by the time I get back. I think it's all about stating the bleeding obvious for some people and not expecting them to have the same priorities as you. I'm glad you've made a start on prioritising yourself and seeking your DH's help around the home. Keep it up!
FWIW my DH is ex army and does ALL THE IRONING as he is am expert. Would your DH fancy being in control of that?

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 10:07

peanut don't drip feed. At no point did you mention PTSD in your OP. Go for a shower. It takes 5 min and you DC can play in their cot with toys. As for your husband; get him told.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/09/2015 10:27

spoonful, are you enjoying being unkind?

Peanut mentions PTSD in her third post. You cannot expect people to provide their entire life history in an OP. Sometime 'drip feeding' is inevitable.

clam · 20/09/2015 10:42

So, who's going to do that pile of washing up? Hmm

Goldmandra · 20/09/2015 10:47

It takes 5 min and you DC can play in their cot with toys.

When my DD1 was 5 mths, there is no way she would have played in her cot or anywhere else for even one minute while I had a shower.

I couldn't hang washing up, wash pots, fold laundry and any of the myriad jobs I wanted to to because she screamed the moment she wasn't the focus of my attention.

Oh and she didn't nap during the day.

Not all babies are the same. Your baby might have played in a cot. Plenty wouldn't.

I didn't have anyone to tell me that it was OK to let her scream for a couple of minutes and I had undiagnosed PND at that time so I thought I would be even more of a shit mother if I did. I was on my knees with exhaustion and comments like the one above would have had me in pieces for the rest of the day.

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 11:03

dowager I won't give your full name...I'm not being unkind. OP needs to make time for herself. Taking a five minute shower is not out with the realms of possibility. Nap times, jumperoos with a cartoon on, even asking a family member or close friend for help will allow you time for a shower or other small tasks.

spoonfulofgoodness · 20/09/2015 11:07

goldmandra what do you do to get things done? I'm genuinely curious.

Goldmandra · 20/09/2015 12:30

I didn't. My basic needs went unmet and even the simplest housework tasks were left undone for long periods unless my DH or DPs were there.

I should have had the confidence to leave her to cry when absolutely necessary but I didn't.

Those who are scathing about the OP going days without a shower have no idea.

DD2's babyhood was a much more normal experience so I do get that it is hard to understand if you haven't experienced it.

Feckingfeckfeck · 20/09/2015 12:49

Invest in a mei tai wrap or something simmilar! It's saved my life. My DD just goes on my back so she's happy and I get on and get everything done twice as fast. I was married to a military man so know what it's like. Thankfully I'm not anymore!! As for showering, your baby will be fine for five minutes, or if you're like me, my baby always showered with me!

PeanutButterFiend · 20/09/2015 12:54

I did put DD in her bouncer in the bathroom while I showered this morning. She cried for a few minutes but then discovered that the towels dangling off the towel rail above her head are way more fun!

OP posts:
StickyProblem · 20/09/2015 13:19

Glad it's getting better for you Peanut

clam · 20/09/2015 13:22

And the washing up....? Who did it?