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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
SupSlick · 12/09/2015 14:57

When you have an affair, the main (emotional) risk is that people will find out & that there will be consequences. Consequences of other people finding out are that they may react in different ways. Including people involved making angry contact to the OM/OW. Totally expected.
THEY ran the risk. THEY chose to behave in a way that they knew would hurt people. YES they are adults but that doesn't mean they've behaved with respect or decency.

It all comes out in the wash OP, and I think you should protect yourself & your father by telling him what's going on. That's not a bad move on your part, it's a bad move on your mothers.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2015 14:57

She's not an 'innocent victim' though is she? Not after she took it upon herself to snoop though her mother's phone and text the guy.

SupSlick · 12/09/2015 15:01

But if it was the other way round, and OP's mum had seen a message on OP's partners phone & didn't tell her? Everyone would be saying OP's mum was spiteful!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/09/2015 15:01

Some of the posts on here are incredible, and not in a good way.

I also suggest moving this to relationships. People love a bit of moralising viciousness, especially when they get to judge out of context and get that warm glow of righteous certainty, whilst blaming it all on 'well I'm just being honest and it's AIBU'. It's rather revolting and revealing too.

I hope you don't let those type of posts effect you because you're in shock and acted in that moment of horror. I guess its practice for your mother as she sounds just the sort to judge and twist the knife in to try and keep the upper hand. Kind of the reverse of that whole 'judge not lest you be judged'... Maybe that should be 'Judge harsh & quick and without mercy to hide your own misdeed'.

Poor you OP.

Inkanta · 12/09/2015 15:06

Miscellaneous - Yeah. Well said.

paulapompom · 12/09/2015 15:13

So sorry OP - bloody he'll what a shock. All could have been avoided if dm just turned her phone off/put it in her bag/whatever or by not having an affair I guess! My daughters don'tgo tthrough my phone, but would notice if I got a text, and do often read the first line so they can tell me 's has just text you'. I don't think it's intrusive just normal. Your mum knows it's wrong, would you feel you can talk to her knowing she may now see you as someone she can offload to? Could be very hard for you. Sorry Flowers

Inkanta · 12/09/2015 15:14

HappyBee I think you did right. Now it's out in the open and has to be dealt with by your mum and lover. Nothing wrong with that

You take care of you now first and foremost - must have been a nasty shock.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2015 15:14

I don't blame op, it is a shock, she obviously has loyalty to her dad. I woukd ask mum what is going on, and tell her what you have seen.

paulapompom · 12/09/2015 15:15

Also where is AnyFucker,? We need some kind of batphone call system for MNers.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 15:16

Pinky, for the last time, she didn't snoop. She happened to catch a message that popped up, that was blatent in its content. What happened after than was just further investigation. It wasn't like the op is a nosey cow who goes through other people's belongings, or that she had suspicions and took her moment (though, the latter is quite understandable as well). She saw a big, flashing message that might as well say 'come cheat on your husband with me right now'. Are you saying you wouldn't have looked further? Are you a person who likes living in blissful ignorance, pinky?

Chippednailvarnish · 12/09/2015 15:20

Totally agree with Mrs and Paula.
I feel for the OP, she's in an impossible position.

MiniCooperLover · 12/09/2015 15:26

Please don't let the your mother guilt you into anything, tell your DP and stand strong.

velvetspoon · 12/09/2015 15:36

It is snooping. You don't read other people's messages, whether you see it over their shoulder, or it flashes up when you pick up their phone. It's an invasion of privacy.

My gut feeling here is that the OP's dad knows already. But also knows that due to illhealth his DW isn't going anywhere, so has chosen to turn a blind eye/pretend he doesn't know. Quite possibly OP's mum thinks he doesn't know.

There's a bigger issue here isn't there...possibly not quite on the point of this thread, but people are living longer, especially with serious/chronic illhealth, dementia, and so on and in most cases their spouses are caring for them, perhaps for 10,15,20 years. Clearly it is not in the interest of the person needing care that the relationship ends, so what then for the spouse, should they be expected to live without sex, intimacy, physical affection during that time? My view is no - ideally you end one relationship before starting another, but when there are caring responsibilities involved I do feel the situation is rather different...

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2015 15:36

No op DM shou,d not be treTing her dad like that, either has to come clean with dad or leave, unacceptable.

BastardGoDarkly · 12/09/2015 15:38

Then I feel sorry for your husband velvet

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 15:46

I agree with Bastard. Walking away from a sick spouse may seems 'harsh', but better to be a braver person who walks away, than a coward who tries to keep the idea of a wholesome family whilst screwing someone else (and risking ruining two families). And I'm sorry, when it's so obvious you're up to something as bad as the op's mum is, privacy is something that is going to go out the window. It's one of the consequences of treating your family like idiots for your own selfish wants.

Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 15:46

so what then for the spouse, should they be expected to live without sex, intimacy, physical affection during that time?

Yes. Because thats what she promised to do.

Assuming, based on the age of the OPs parents they got married in church, I draw your attention to this...

N, will you take N to be your husband?

Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him,
and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

I will

......

I, N , take you, N ,

to be my husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part;
according to God's holy law.
In the presence of God I make this vow.

At no point does it say "Unless he gets ill and I want to get my leg over with someone else who is also breaking his vows"

peggyundercrackers · 12/09/2015 15:54

Mrs gently - further investigation means nosey cow. Who the f* does she think she is doing further investigation on property that isn't hers? She seriously overstepped the mark by going into someone's phone to look at their private messages. OP obviously has serious boundary issues.

Inkanta · 12/09/2015 15:58

Velvet - I think the ethics of reading a text are outweighed by the content and impact of that message she actually read.

The content is about her mum having an ongoing secret affair and the impact is betrayal. Mum is being the unethical one and OP is shocked and upset. The fact that OP read a private text becomes irrelevant ethically.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 16:01

peggyundercrackers, must have gotten 'boundary issues' from her mother, who also doesn't know where the 'line' is. Seriously though, no. You come across as someone who fears this could be them, caught out themselves, Peggy. No other reason why you can't understand that this is about the op finding out something horrible about their parent, not about how they found out. What the op did isn't even the issue here, it's about now dealing with the inevitable fallout of her mum's mistake whilst being pregnant and having a dad who's very ill. Have some sympathy, and stop blaming the op for finding out something bad.

velvetspoon · 12/09/2015 16:02

I'm not married, and don't intend to be, so no reason to be sorry for my non existent husband. I do have a partner though, and (on the point of the thread) I'd never read a message on his phone, laptop etc, and I know he wouldn't for me.

As for marital vows...they were written a long time ago, when people got ill, and fairly quickly died. I don't think you can apply them rigidly any more. You can be very ill for a very long time now, if you can't give a spouse any intimacy (or in the case of dementia even know who your spouse is most of the time) I think it's an almost impossible situation to be in.

I have relatives with dementia, in one case early onset (early 50s). That person is now mid 60s, hasn't known who his spouse was for over a decade. But physically he could go on for another 15 years or more. His spouse is his carer 24/7, I know she hasn't time to meet anyone new, or probably even think about it. But if she did, and if it wasn't to the detriment of what remaining relationship she has with her spouse, who are any of us to begrudge that comfort?

Chippednailvarnish · 12/09/2015 16:08

As for marital vows...they were written a long time ago, when people got ill, and fairly quickly died. I don't think you can apply them rigidly any more

Speak for yourself.

Fatmomma99 · 12/09/2015 16:08

I am Shock at this thread, but I'm also a bit Confused by some of the very strong reactions. People are judging the OPs mum and her motives and morals which seems a bit unfair in this case (I do know how AIBU works, btw) but I feel that on this thread an entire element of someone's life is being judged when the only information we have is a text that the OP read accidentally. It would be different if the OP's mum posted. It just seems to me that passing views on the morals (or not) of OP's mum is getting away from the original AIBU

Scarletforya · 12/09/2015 16:10

Oh God, I cringed with the 'can't help who I love' thing.

It sounds like sex, I can see it ending badly.

Inkanta · 12/09/2015 16:10

'stop blaming the op for finding out something bad.'

Mrs Gently - yes, good way of putting it!