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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
horsewalksintoabar · 12/09/2015 13:38

Oh my Lord, I'd have totally done the same!!

NameChange30 · 12/09/2015 13:58

What an awful situation, sorry you're going through this OP Flowers

I agree with the majority who say your mother is in the wrong. You probably shouldn't have sent the message but it's a totally understandable knee jerk reaction! Do not let her blame you for any of this. I think you should ignore her text messages. Ideally you would talk to her in person - not to reason with her (she sounds completely unreasonable) but to tell her how you feel. Whether she listens or not I think it is important for you to tell her.

From a practical pov in terms of who to tell and what to do next - I think you should definitely discuss it with your DP. As for telling anyone else it's a tough call and only one you can make, I think. I also think you should cancel the holiday and stop spending alone time with your mother - unless she is willing to discuss the issue, apologise, and deal with it in a way you feel comfortable with. As for what you say to your father, could you tell him that you've fallen out with your mother without giving the details? It's so difficult but I do think that in an ideal scenario she would come clean without you having to share or keep her dirty secret.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2015 14:03

You had no right interfering in your mother's business, you should be ashamed of yourself.

NameChange30 · 12/09/2015 14:04

Bloody hell. OP, maybe you could get this thread moved to Relationships? Probably less of the "you should be ashamed of yourself" nastiness in there.
I despair of AIBU sometimes.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2015 14:07

How is it nasty? She had no business sending that text it's fuck all to do with her. Her parents marriage is for them and them only to deal with.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 14:07

pinkyredrose

Uhu, sure pinky. Are you her mum? Only someone with a lot of guilt would have that reaction. OP has nothing to be ashamed of, she's not a liar, a cheat or treat her family like fools. Her mum should be ashamed, deeply so.

Ebb · 12/09/2015 14:08

I was in a similar situation when I was 13. DM asked me to get something from her handbag and I saw a half written letter to OM wishing he was here instead of us DD's. ( We were on holiday. My father never came with us. ) She also referred to the evenings when my dad was out and she sent us to the chippie so she could phone the OM. ( 28yrs ago so pre mobiles/internet. ) I was shocked but I never said anything. My dad wasn't the easiest man to live with so I kind of got her reasons but it ruined my relationship with me DM. I felt very distant from her and even now, we're not close. My parents are still together.

TenForward82 · 12/09/2015 14:08

Someone hasn't read the OP properly...

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/09/2015 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 12/09/2015 14:22

"If the mother wanted OP out of it, she should have left her out of it"

Yes she should have, but that isn't the reason that OP now knows.

It's because she read her mum's phone-who does that?

And then sent a text to a stranger calling him a dirty fuck!

I assume that she'll be texting her mum the same!

Just because hermum has behaved appallingly, it doesn't make what OP has done OK!

LovelyFriend · 12/09/2015 14:25

Maybe he's not answering the phone because he's with his wife?

OP I feel for you and this dreadful situation exploding in your life. You must be in shock.

Talk to your DP. Don't let your mum blame you. Take care of yourself in this.

TenForward82 · 12/09/2015 14:27

Diddl, there have been plenty of responses to that argument on this thread. I suggest you read them and digest them.

Learningtoletgo · 12/09/2015 14:32

I agree with the poster up thread who said that some people are projecting their own defensiveness.

As a family we are all interconnected and have the responsibility to treat each other with respect, decency and dignity. Otherwise what's the point of being in a family? If there isn't this foundation then best to get out. This is the constant theme running through mumsnet when giving advice to others about their relationships. This is the minimum you should expect and indeed accept.

The OPs mum hasn't afforded any of these to her husband (who she is cheating on) or her daughter (who she is using as cover for her affair). All this far outweighs the 'it's none of your business' cry. It is her business as her mums actions highlight that this foundation is lacking; therefore the op has a right to re-evaluate her relationship with her mother and decide where it goes from here.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 14:33

Diddl, I disagree. First, as someone cheating on his wife, he is a 'dirty fuck'. Secondly, the op only caught a glance of a message, she wasn't snooping or interfering. What she did next was a natural reaction, even if it's caused a shit storm with her mum and her bit on the side.

Good for the op, sometimes you just have to tell people what they are and the harm and hurt they have done. When I was a child and came across my mum's phone with the same sort of messages, I wish I had been in a position to tell her exactly what I thought of her at the time. Screwing someone's wife/husband is a shit thing to do, if you get caught out, you have to deal with the consequences. You can't blame the person who found out for getting angry about it, saying 'you shouldn't have read that! See no evil, hear no evil, it's your fault you're now upset'. Being an adult doesn't mean you get to hurt your family because you wanted to shag someone else, and this sort of thing is never just between the married couple when they have children (no matter how old they are).

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2015 14:34

I don't have any guilt and I've read the thread, I still think the OP has no right to go in guns blazing with that text.

Chippednailvarnish · 12/09/2015 14:36

The OP never said she did. Doesn't mean you're allowed to be nasty.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 14:37

Well, pinky, her mum had no right shagging someone else's husband. Swings and roundabouts I guess, we all know who did the worse thing here. What the op did was out of reaction, not deliberately malicious.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2015 14:37

Never said she did what? How am I being nasty, I'm just giving my opinion sane as everyone else. You don't have to agree but I don't see how it's nasty.

diddl · 12/09/2015 14:39

Of course it's a shit thing to do, by both of them.

I suppose I don't get the "someone's phone is buzzing, must pick it up for them" mentality.

It's not going to be for you, so no need to look at the screen if you must take it to them!

But I've been chided already for saying that & what's done is done.

kali110 · 12/09/2015 14:40

I actually don't think you hVe done anything wrong.
You werent purposely hunting through her phone.
I'm so sorry you've been put in this position op.

TenForward82 · 12/09/2015 14:41

"you should be ashamed of yourself"? Pretty nasty and judgemental for someone who is an innocent victim is someone else's lies.

Feckingfeckfeck · 12/09/2015 14:41

I would be finding out who the man is and telling his wife everything too. Then that would be it for me, no more relationship with DM. As someone who has been horrifically cheated on before, I have no time for people like that. And the posters here defending your DM are obviously liars and cheaters themselves to defend such loose morals.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 12/09/2015 14:43

Well what a shame the OM and her mother didn't feel such scruples over fucking strangers' spouses and parents as the OP is apparently supposed to feel about sending a text message.

Yes, her parents marriage is between them. But when her mother started fucking someone else and using her child and Grandchild as a cover she somewhat undermined the principle of marriage being a private concern between two people didn't she?

LovelyFriend · 12/09/2015 14:47

Lol at a phone being right in front of you when a message comes in and under no circumstances at all must you even glance in the direction of the phone as that would be " wrong" and rude.

Don't look at the screen don't look at the screen fgs don't ever look at the screen in front of you.

Gruntfuttock · 12/09/2015 14:55

The funny thing is, the OM could just have texted "Are you free?" and the OP would've thought nothing of it. She would've just assumed her mother's friend Anne wanted a chat. It was a bit stupid of him to text "Wife's gone I'm free sexy" when (as happened) anyone might've seen the message, including the OP's father.