Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/09/2015 16:12

Hang on, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable here, being ill doesn't invalidate you as a person, it doesn't suddenly turn you into a worthless burden just sucking the life out of your partner.

Why assume that there's no sex, intimacy, physical affection? We don't know that, and to assume that makes uncomfortable reading.

I am not liking this trope of 'ill/ disabled/ elderly' = drain on everyone around them, that seems to becoming the only discourse society hears.

Partners shouldnt have to become carers and lose any other type of relationship because of it. But I do think that's a separate issue and in no way an excuse for behaving in this manner.

elbowsdontsing2 · 12/09/2015 16:15

can somebody please tell me what anyfucker as got to do with it, is she a councillor(sp)
im gobsmacked how ppl are saying the op should mind her own business and its nothing to do with her, its her mother ffs and her poor dads being cheated on its got everything to do with her

UrbaneFox · 12/09/2015 16:18

I feel a bit sorry for your mum. She doesn't owe it to you to be faithful to your dad. She owes it to your dad, i guess, but then you don't know what's gone on between them.

Not saying I'd be laughing if it were my mum but she doesn't owe it to me to justify herself. Maybe this view is unpopular.

WhatamessIgotinto · 12/09/2015 16:19

As a family we are all interconnected and have the responsibility to treat each other with respect, decency and dignity. Otherwise what's the point of being in a family? If there isn't this foundation then best to get out. This is the constant theme running through mumsnet when giving advice to others about their relationships. This is the minimum you should expect and indeed accept.

^ This a million times over.

UrbaneFox · 12/09/2015 16:21

Also, now your mum is terrified you'll tell your Dad. And you say his health isn't great. Perhaps he already suspects that she has a ''friend'' but you will change the dynamic between them if you tell him. Which, might be worthwhile if they were younger and would actually contemplate splitting up. But if you suspect that they won't split up, that they'd just be humiliated/hurt by this revelation, but stay together and weather it, then it would be utterly pointless to wade in to their relationship and meddle.

CrapBag · 12/09/2015 16:21

You did nothing wrong OP. Tough shit if your mum has now lost her bit on the side. She should be ashamed of herself, not blaming you and coming out with the "you can't help who you love bollocks"

DH told me when we first met that his mum had been cheating on his dad. She told DH, 3 days after he watched his dad die. I've never had a single shred of respect for the woman. From knowing the 2 different sides of DHs family and from being told how much DH is like his dad, I'm positive that his mum was definitely in the wrong and was, as usual, putting her own selfish needs before anyone else.

I cannot abide people who have affairs. And certainly not in this case where she has preached to the OP in the past. Selfish selfish woman. Your poor dad.

CrapBag · 12/09/2015 16:23

Oh and if it had been the other way around and it had been OPs mum who was ill and she had seen her dad's phone with evidence of his affair, some of these replies would have been very different!

Maudofallhopefulness · 12/09/2015 16:29

You've burst her loved up/ sexed up bubble. She probably thought she could handle it and it was lurve or something. Your text has caused OM to realise what he's got to lose so he's shutting her out and DM may be realising how sorded and hurtful her actions are.

As for the 'she's an adult, she can do what she likes' argument, that's bullshit. I'm an adult, does that mean I can leave my kids at home alone and have a nice Sauvignon Blanc in a wine bar? I'd bloody like to sometimes but I have responsibilities and commitments that I chose and honour.

Aked · 12/09/2015 16:40

As for marital vows...they were written a long time ago, when people got ill, and fairly quickly died. I don't think you can apply them rigidly any more

Ha! What a load of crap. They bloody well apply rigidly in my marriage.

"Yes dear I've been having an affair. I didn't realise you were going to live this long! "

suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 16:42

I am appalled at the idea of intervening in your parents relationship, she's not doing anything illegal it's none of your business, I find it weird that you're so interested in your parents sex lives, yuck!

Turn a blind eye

ChickenTikkaMassala · 12/09/2015 16:46

If it was OP's dad who was fucking another woman whilst her mum was ill this thread would be screaming for his bollocks in a vice.

Some of the responses trying to blame the OP or justifying her mums behavior are making me speechless.

WhatamessIgotinto · 12/09/2015 16:47

Turn a blind eye

Why?

And unless you are 12, using the term 'Yuck!' is a little silly.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 16:47

Ah yes, because turning a blind eye stops all the bad feelings you have, especially how awful you feel for your dad. Oh, and stop being a pervert over your parents sex life (or possibly lack of, in this case). It doesn't matter that your mum is using you as an excuse/alibi, you should just suck it up, it's not illegal, for goodness sake. It's only your mum being a hypocrite as well, after years of telling you how to live your life. In fact, just ignore anything bad going on with your family, because it's all just between you mum and dad and "none of your buiness". Some sage advice from suzanne right there Hmm

Gruntfuttock · 12/09/2015 16:48

CrapBag "Oh and if it had been the other way around and it had been OPs mum who was ill and she had seen her dad's phone with evidence of his affair, some of these replies would have been very different!"

I couldn't agree more. No excuses would be being made for the DF if that had been the case.

iamaboveandBeyond · 12/09/2015 16:49

Yy misc. There is no clue that op's dad's health is even that bad? (Or did i miss it - huge apologies if i did) no mention of dementia, no mention of him being on his death bed, just that he is in poor health with bowel disease?

Fwiw, DH is my carer, i rely on him for very infantilising things. In my case, i would want to know that someone i trust and rely on is treating me with such utter contempt. To your mum, op - Using someones health as an excuse not to tell the truth is shit, it is nothing more than covering your arse. If you were that concerned about the impact, you wouldnt have done it at all.

Original poster
HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 16:50

Hello all,

Thank you for all of your messages, I have just read them.

i had turned my phone off, but when I turned it back on to show do the first two messages I was met with a barrage of the.

She has not love Dad for years. She has hidden this exceptionally well as they have always been a romantic and publicly affectionate couple.

I am a terrible daughter for texting married man. He still isn't talking to her. I have ruined her life and I am an ungrateful shit. She can't believe I am so selfish as to have done this. If I tell my Dad it will probably kill him but I probably won't care because I'm selfish.

This has all been quite shocking. It is not the woman I've known all these years. I'd never even heard her swear but these messages are like slaps in the face.

I'm in bits and dp is furious. Which has surprised me, he is usually very calm. He has put the phone on silent, ordered dinner and said we will talk through it properly when dd is in bed.

Re: Dad's illness. He is quite ill but is still very self sufficient, he's never been able to sit still even when he's supposed to! He does most of the cooking and laundry so I don't think mum feels pressured by his illness. It's affected his appearance as in he has lost a lot of weight but he still does as much as he can.

I'm torn at the minute between being very angry at my mum for all the hypocrisy and lies involving us. And on the other hand being devastated that I've upset my mum.

Just trying to keep calm.

OP posts:
StickyGripper · 12/09/2015 16:50

OP, I lost my mother to illness some years ago. It is a very, very difficult time when one of your parents is sick. It is unthinkable for me to imagine what that would have been like if my dad had been having an affair and added to her already horrible time. The support a person receives can make a difference between whether they make it or not.

Those of you who think it is perfectly fine to do how she pleases have obviously never had the misfortune to see someone ail before your eyes. She must be a pretty callous individual to put her own needs before the person she vowed to love in sickness and in health.

If it was my mother I would read her the riot act and tell her you hope she never gets sick in her old age as she will be reaping what she has sown.

elbowsdontsing2 · 12/09/2015 16:51

yes dear ive been having an affair. i didnt realize you was going to live this long GrinGrin

Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 16:52

As for marital vows...they were written a long time ago, when people got ill, and fairly quickly died. I don't think you can apply them rigidly any more

Which presumably is why you have chosen to never marry, so you dont have to apply them rigidly. Those if us who took those vows however do have to apply them rigidly, thats what a vow is.

suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 16:52

And unless you are 12, using the term 'Yuck!' is a little silly

I don't understand how your view of my choice of words lends weight to your argument WhatamessIgotinto?

I think your user name sounds infantile, but I'd not mention it (other than to illusttrate my point in this instance) because it wouldn't be relevent

WhatamessIgotinto · 12/09/2015 16:52

No OP, please do NOT let your mum make this your fault.

Look after your dad.

StickyGripper · 12/09/2015 16:53

So no guilt on her part then OP for being a liar and a cheat I see.

You have done her a favour. Married man has shown that he doesn't really want her and is panicking incase his wife finds out. It's classic!

StickyGripper · 12/09/2015 16:55

Text her back "Be sure your sins will find you out".

elbowsdontsing2 · 12/09/2015 16:56

sorry op i crossed post, im not laughing at your situation, i think your mothers fucking spineless trying to put the blame on you and your dad

Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 16:56

For a start, stop with feeling guilty. she is trying to make this your fault so that it isnt hers.

IT IS HER FAULT!

She chose to cheat, she chose to accept any and all possible consequences of that. I dont think that the message you sent was the most sensible thing you could do, but I can I hand on heart say I wouldnt have done the same? No.

I would be making it clear to her that you do not take any responsibility for him not contacting her, that she brought this upon herself by her terrible behaviour and that you want nothing more to do with her until she realises that. And I would also say something along the lines of "He cant have loved you that much if he dumped you the second he thought his wife was going to find out can he?" and leave that in her lap to think about.

Dont be kind! Be fucking angry!