Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 12/09/2015 11:19

Peggy the part of the text that came up was sufficient for the OP to find out. That was accidental

Yes, reading the other texts wasn't but I would have read them too and I daresay most people on this thread would have done. As you keep trying to argue adults can do as they want...

DarkNavyBlue · 12/09/2015 11:22

Wow, that beggars belief!

UnbelievableBollocks · 12/09/2015 11:26

Krikey.

I think the reply to your mum is that you won't tell your dad as its not up to you to destroy him, but she'd best never use you as cover ever again.

Shagging a MM is sordid.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 12/09/2015 11:27

of course the married man is not answering the phone to her now, he thinks his bit of stuff's DH has found the phone! and he's crapping himself about HIS wife finding out.

OP, do you know who it is? Do you have ANY inkling? Neighbour? one of your parents long time friends? the DH of one of your mothers own friends? someone she met at a social activity? Can you think back to anything however innocent it seemed at the time that might have been the start of this affair - mentioning a mans name a bit too often etc?

grubbybrat · 12/09/2015 11:28

Given that "his number is stored on her phone as Anne," are you sure it's a man she's seeing, not a woman called Anne? Not that it makes a difference to your situation, but I wondered.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 12/09/2015 11:29

My reaction/thought is he doesn't want his wife finding out and your mum will now be dropped like a steaming pile. He will protect himself and your mum will realise what a sordid little affair it was for him, not some great romance and you will be to blame for her realising this

^ agree 100%

Gruntfuttock · 12/09/2015 11:37

leghoul "If she had to use a cover I feel sorry for her having such little freedom for years and having to justify every movement to her husband."

I found that comment truly sickening. The determination that some people have to make it a man's fault is just so depressing. In this case, not even the man who's having an affair, but the ill husband of the woman doing the cheating! She's the one you feel sorry for!

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 12/09/2015 11:39

I wouldn't tell your Dad. He's in poor health and I don't really think that it would serve any useful purpose other than to hurt him. TBH if I was in your shoes and could find out who he was I would be telling her if I found out she'd seen him again I'd tell his wife.

I was going to say some of the posts on this thread had shocked me. But then I realised it just doesn't shock me anymore that there are always people on Mumsnet who will defend the most appalling behaviour as long as the person doing it is a woman. I've found some of the justifying and excuse making on this thread distasteful.

Merguez · 12/09/2015 11:41

Difficult though it may be, you need to find a time - soon - when you and your Mum can sit down together alone and talk it through.

There is really no point trying to play the blame game until you have both had a chance to air your feelings.

Trebushay · 12/09/2015 11:41

If I were you I would just wait until she comes to see you , as much as you are shocked and what she has done is very wrong she probably doesn't know how to react either. It's all really raw for you and maybe just leaving things today as hard as it might be may be the best idea.

Libitina · 12/09/2015 12:07

"Blaming you
Star crossed lovers scenario
Your dad was abusive
Don't you want me to be happy
His wife is horrible to him
You don't understand
I gave my life for you kids don't I deserve something now"

What LTLG said. With knobs on.

TenForward82 · 12/09/2015 12:13

Alison's suggested response is very good.

Also agree that he's panicked and dropped her, and she'll have to face up to the fact that they were never going to run away into the sunset holding hands like Romeo and Juliet.

TenForward82 · 12/09/2015 12:15

I was going to say some of the posts on this thread had shocked me. But then I realised it just doesn't shock me anymore that there are always people on Mumsnet who will defend the most appalling behaviour as long as the person doing it is a woman. I've found some of the justifying and excuse making on this thread distasteful.

kanye, agree. OP, ignore the bonkers responses on here, these people either have a) an agenda, or b) a screw loose.

Iusedtobeapenguin · 12/09/2015 12:16

op I really feel for you. Different situation but my dad died suddenly and shortly after my mum started a new job & met a man (didn't tell any of us, obviously didn't think we'd take it well).

My mum was staying at my house for weekend, I went out shopping, came home and walked in on her & man shagging in MY house. To say I was shocked/hurt/mortified for my (recently deceased dad) was an understatement... We were all still grieving and I didn't cope very well with it all. Anyway, huge argument ensued, I (and siblings) got blamed for 'not allowing her to be happy' and we hardly spoke for a long time. Took years for our relationship to get back to anything 'normal' Sad

Different situation, I know, but I can still remember how terrible and protective I felt for my (late) dad who obviously would never even know what had happened, so I can only begin to imagine his awful you must be feeling Flowers

Heehawheehawheehaw · 12/09/2015 12:27

I agree with alison , but make sure you look after yourself

XiCi · 12/09/2015 12:47

I imagine the MM thinks your text is from your Dad and has royally shit himself!

Rainbowlou1 · 12/09/2015 12:47

What a horrible position you're in, I really feel for you and your dad.

Please look after yourself Flowers

Lizzylou · 12/09/2015 12:51

You poor thing, what an awful situation.
I think Alison's text is perfect.

FWIW I completely understand why you texted OM, I think I would have done similar, then regretted it, but it was a kneejerk reaction.

Don't let your Mother guilt trip you over this, just enjoy the rest of your day and take care of yourself.

WhatamessIgotinto · 12/09/2015 13:00

Yep maybe she seen the first few words on a message that flashed up on the screen but then she went into the phone and read all the messages - that's hardly finding out by accident

Don't you think what she saw was enough to let her see what was happening? They were fairly damning words and sometimes we do things in the spur of the moment that we wouldn't normally do. Its quite different from planned lies and deceit. I don't think many people would say that they approve of someone going through someone else's phone but there must be few of us who, in this situation, would think 'my mum's an adult and can do what she likes, never mind that she's shitting on my dad, lying and portraying herself to be someone she isn't'. Perhaps you would Peggy, however my concern would be for my dad, not protecting the lies of the person cheating on him. I do get that we all have different views on infidelity and lying though.

Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 13:06

I can totally sympathise. I saw a message from dad to his OW, not because I was snooping but because the stupid fucker sent it to me by mistake. I posted about it earlier in the year.

I went fucking crackers. I have never seen him look so small or ashamed. That was something at least, he didnt try to justify it and ended the relationship which was an EA rather than physical (didnt need to know about his ED.....so thanks for that Dad) and mainly conducted on the phone or skype.

We are not the same anymore. He is always trying too hard, I think to get me to forgive him. I cant forgive him, not for what he did, its not my place to do that, its my mothers should she ever find out. I cant forgive him for bringing me into this, for making me keep this secret because of what it would do to my mother and the rest of the family if it came out. I feel distant to him, which breaks my heart as we were very close before.

I would suggest that you dont try to appease, you dont brush it under the carpet. What hit my dad was when I made my utter disgust with him clear. She can justify it in her head all she likes but she cant ignore your disgust at her behaviour. Every time you refuse to accept responsibility for what has happened, every time you call her on being a cheat and a liar, you are holding a mirror up to her and she wont like it but she cant ignore it.

Hopefully she will realise that a man who willfully cut her off so quickly to protect himself and his marriage was not in love with her, just using her. Then, maybe, she will wake up to her own behaviour and apologise for what she has done. Maybe.......

Take care, I am thinking of you

PHANTOMnamechanger · 12/09/2015 13:07

Am I alone in thinking some of the responses on here would be a lot different if the OP had found out her DAD was cheating on her ill mum with a married OW?

I don't understand why the OPs mum is getting so much support aong the lines of 'shes a grown up its none of your business'.

OP and her father and the MMs wife and family are the victims here, not the OP mum and her fella.

WhatamessIgotinto · 12/09/2015 13:11

Agreed Phantom.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 13:18

To be fair, Phantom, I think most of the responses have been supportive of the op, and shocked at her mum's behaviour. You always get the odd one defending that kind of behaviour, but I often get the feeling those who can do that are probably dealing with some repressed guilt themselves. Two people are at fault here - the mum and the OM. You can dress it up like Christmas, there's still no excuses for either of them. I only feel sorry for the OP stumbling across this, sounds like it was the last thing she needed.

Gruntfuttock · 12/09/2015 13:24

Phantom one person even blamed the OP's father!

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/09/2015 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.