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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
Learningtoletgo · 13/09/2015 11:08

Baconyum - I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Been there and been terrified every single day. Luckily got our little miracle in the end but it stays with you. Just wanted to send you a big virtual hug and some Flowers

Baconyum · 13/09/2015 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

magoria · 13/09/2015 11:11

Damn massive x post I type so slowly on the phone.

Neither you nor you dad is stupid and your mother is a massive lying cheating shit following the same old hackneyed path of minimising and changing history.

I don't know how you stayed so calm over the complete lies she just told you.

NoahVale · 13/09/2015 11:15

it is not up to you op.

just take a break from your parents,
let them sort their own battles.

cremeeggboycotter · 13/09/2015 11:16

Relax and take care of yourself today. Your mum knows where she stands and that you aren't threatening to tell your dad. She also knows that she has been caught up by the lies in the affair and the lies she tried to spin you to paint herself in the best light. When it comes to her being overly moral about things like this she knows to stay silent around you and not be hypocritical.

She said I should remember she loves me

Did she apologising for the rants and abuse yesterday? Because without an apology, this just looks like emotional manipulation to shut you up so things go back to being the way they were, with your letting her preach and pretending.

cremeeggboycotter · 13/09/2015 11:18

It is up to the OP if she wants to call out her mums lies. Her mother also asked what the OP thought she should do, it's up to the OP to offer her opinion if she wants to.

I agree take a break from your mum though OP, you don't need her being like this at the moment and she needs to sort herself out and make her own choices.

thehypocritesoaf · 13/09/2015 11:23

He's single and they're not having sex.

Absolutely classic cheater, isn't she.

Op, I'm sorry you have been placed in this awful situation. Good luck moving forward Flowers

Spartans · 13/09/2015 11:27

You should remember she loves you while she abuses you and lies striaght to you?

Shutthatdoor · 13/09/2015 11:28

This isn't all about the op. She has committed a huge breech of trust by reading her mother's messages. A lot of messages, it would seem!

Most laughable thing I have seen on here in ages! The OP is NOT the one who has breached trust!

WTF do you think an affair is!

Some people on here need their moral compass resetting! or are trying to cover up their own affair

Flowers for you op

Fairenuff · 13/09/2015 11:31

So she lied to you.

Typical cheating default position. Deny, deny, deny.

Hurt everyone who you claim to love.

Be selfish.

I would be distancing myself now from such toxic behaviour OP. Cancel the holiday, tell your dad that your morning sickness is too bad.

Just look after yourself and leave your mum to it.

RomiiRoo · 13/09/2015 11:33

I am sorry, I am another who is appalled that the OP read any further; let alone plastered the whole thing over Mumsnet. Seriously?!?

I am estranged from my parents, so maybe I don't get the level of involvement, but seriously, take a step back OP.

Boardingblues · 13/09/2015 11:36

OP - I think that the call sounded probably about as good as it could do considering the circumstances. But you need some space now, for your own sake. I am glad your DM said she loves you. You sound like you do come from a close family. Some one on here sort of sneered at that. Your DM has done something wrong and she has condoned that lying and making excuses. But that does not mean that she does not love you. So please no not think that. People are amazing at their ability to compartmentalise their thinking and their actions. She probably thought that you would never find out, therefore she never considered how her actions would impact on you.

Spartans · 13/09/2015 11:43

To sum up, for people who think the OP needs further battering, text messages often come up on the front of phones. The OP saw enough to be completely knocked for six. She knows she was wrong to read further and the OM. When people have such a shock they don't always do what they would under normal circumstances.

Fwiw no one can tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do in these situations. Because really few of us know. Personally I don't think the OP should sit back while her mum continues to shit on her dad from a great height. If the op hadn't have looked her mum would be lying her way out of it and carrying on shitting on her husband while using the OP and her child as an alibi.

I would love to see the reactions of the OPs dad was shagging around behind her mums back, because I think there would be very different responses from some people.

KitKat1985 · 13/09/2015 11:45

Wow Beet, can't believe your Mum was still continuing to lie to you on the phone. It must be getting harder and harder to trust her. For what it's worth I think you said everything you should have done on the phone. For now I think you should just avoid contact for a while and let your Mum make up her mind about what she's going to do, and give yourself a break from more upset.

NotSoHappyBeet · 13/09/2015 11:46

Yes we are quite a close family. A large bunch but I probably see or talk to most of my family on a daily basis, it's just the way it's always been.

I've just called dp and his shift finishes at 12 so at least will have someone here.

I've had one more text begging me not to tell Dad. I just messaged back that I'd never threatened to but she needed to sort out what she was doing. And that Id appreciate that space I'd asked for now.

I'd never imagined I'd be coolly talking to my mum as if she was almost a stranger.

On a lighter not this has all given me a fantastic excuse to crack out the carrot cake!

Boardingblues · 13/09/2015 11:48

These threads are always full of people egging OPs on to take actions that they probably would not do themselves. More and more extreme views get expressed as the posters disagree with each other. It must be horrible for this OP.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 13/09/2015 11:50

I see some simpletons on here still not dropping the whole 'you accidentally read one text, then procceded to read others, as any normal, shocked, person would'. She can't drop it, cant change what she read - she's involved now. So what is the point in going on and on and on and on about her reading the text?

Anyway Beet, I think you did amazing on the phone. I'm not suprised, unfortunately, by how your mum was (the blatent lies and emotional blackmail). She's trying to keep you on board, to be honest I wouldn't be suprised if her next move is to up the mind games. Just keep strong, and don't back down. No one can have their cake and eat it, she can't have a family and a bloke on the side and think it won't all blow up eventually.

Learningtoletgo · 13/09/2015 11:58

She's respecting your request for space then Hmm

The problem is how are you going to know if she's broken it off with MM? Given how comfortable she is with lying she could swear blind she has and still be carrying it on. This is the problem when trust is gone, there will always be this element of doubt.

paulapompom · 13/09/2015 11:59

shut yes, what you said. And have these for your eloquence Flowers

OP still thinking of you, I'm sure your mum does love you, but her behaviour has been incredibly selfish. And surely if you have something you desperately want to hide - then hide it! Has she considered it could easily have been df who saw the text pop up?

Look after yourself today op, whatever you can do to relax try and do it xx

paulapompom · 13/09/2015 12:02

Carrot cake is a known cure. For everything. Wink

derxa · 13/09/2015 12:04

You've reversed roles with your mum Beet. You're now the responsible one and she's acting like a teenager. She has behaved really badly. Her only course of action if she wants to keep the family close is to give this man up. What a mess! Let things settle a bit now and maybe she'll start acting a bit more rationally. You did nothing wrong.

Learningtoletgo · 13/09/2015 12:08

Forgot to ask given that the MM has apparently had a triple bypass do you have any idea who he is?

NotSoHappyBeet · 13/09/2015 12:29

No Learning,

I don't know of any family friend who's had that! To be honest I think that was a lie too.

rainbowstardrops · 13/09/2015 12:31

You go girl!!! Your response to your mum sounds spot on Smile
She's still trying to squirm out of everything but stay firm and point out her short-falls whenever you feel the need!
I find it interesting that MM hasn't contacted her ....... maybe the thrill of secrecy isn't so appealing anymore???
I'm still Angry at people saying you shouldn't have looked/got involved etc. Until you are faced with something so utterly shocking then you just simply don't know how you'd react. I would go off to polish my halo but unfortunately I'm human and not 'perfect' like some people like to make out Hmm
Hope you get to enjoy the afternoon with DH and DD Smile

youreawillja · 13/09/2015 12:35

Another one here who has tracked the thread,is amazed by the loons and has nothing but awe and respect for beet and her actions. It takes a lot of self control to deal calmly with something that makes you want to scream from the bottom of your lungs. Just keep swimming beet Cake