Shit, I text my Mums lover.

[HappyBeet86]

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

Did you read the thread NoahVale? The mother dragged the OP into it by a) having an affair which affects the family, b) leaving the phone unlocked so anyone, including said dad could have seen c) refusing to give a damn about the worry from the dad prior to the OP seeing the text, given OPs mums odd behaviour d) ranting and abusing her daughter over text and finally e) wanting to talk to her now about it all. Oh and lets not forget usign the OP as a cover for it.

I really don't understand people putting the boot in by telling the OP she shouldn't have read a message that popped up obvious on screen and anyone in the house could have seen especially as her first thing is 'I know IABU for this'. If I was the mum I'd be thinking 'what a dick, do I want to be caught?'. OP is upset and stressed and the same rubbish being touted isn't helpful at all.

Right just caught up on your post.

Having good been through this as a youngster I now realise a few things that might help.

She is still you mother BUT she no longer holds the moral high ground. Therefore she has NO right whatsoever to dictate to you what you should or shouldn't do.

She will try to bring you back to heel as her child very quickly but remember you are an adult now and have the right to make your own choices.

You are a person in your own right. You make your own decisions as an adult. You are not just her daughter and an extension of her. You make your own choices.

She will try to control you through emotional manipulation, guilt and threats. Expect this. She is desperate and backed into a corner.

My advice is not to speak to her today. I would text her and tell you are not ready to talk yet. You need more time.

When you are ready invite her round whilst DH is there so you've got some support.

It took me many counselling sessions to get to grips with the points above. The parent child relationship can be very tricky and is a powerful force to stand up against. We are hard wired to think we are still little kids with no power. This is simply not true.

You don't HAVE to do anything you don't feel is right. End of..

Sorry for the typos trying to type very fast whilst looking after little one

Best of luck beet, rooting for you xx

op knew she was unreasonable by texting her mum's lover, she didnt have to. neither did she have to read the text.
but she knows that,

we are passed that

they have to build forward now

Hi OP, just wanted to say I have been where you are. It's devestating.

Honestly if I could have got hold of the OW I would have had a few words to say, at least. Fortunately I dont have their telephone number or know exactly where they live.

From what I found (on my own fucking laptop that dad used when he was visiting) it's was an emotional affair, but still devastating. No one could say how they would react.

As for the bollocks about the mother being able to what she wants and vows being outdated, I am just appalled. If you think vows are outdated, don't take them or get a divorce. The woman is an adult, but no can't act how she wants and expect everyone else to be happy with it. It's ridiculous.

She could leave, she doesn't want to. The OM doesn't give a shit about her or her family or the shit that is now going on.

OP I know you feel like you don't know her. Tbh I don't think we all know our parents as well as we think we do. We know them as the person they are now.

Do not let her blame you at all. It's typical cheater behaviour.

"Her DH needs to step in and support his wife from further abuse. She's vulnerable and confused."

This is a bit ridiculous. The OP is perfectly capable of standing up to her mother, and it's very important that she does so. The DH should support her by listening and backing her up, not by fighting her battles for her!

She is going to give you reasons to excuse her behaviour with this man.

It will either be the world's greatest love story (bullshit), she can't help herself (bullshit), she hasn't been this happy for years, etc.

Or it will be 'I made a mistake bullshit' and all the usual cheating script.

Either way, make sure that she understands your focus is on your dad, not her and that she needs to tell him so that you can support him through this betrayal.

HappyBeet86 so as it is the next day I am assuming you did tell your mum?

I have no experience in this area but please, please do not tell your dad yet. There is nothing to gain by his knowing now from you. It would be much better, IMHO, to talk to your mum and find out what she thinks, once the dust has settled. It may be that the shock to this man that his wife may find out will mean he ends it, in which case I think it is up to your mum whether she would tell him about the affair. The possibility is he may tell his wife and leave her and run off with your mum, in which case your dad will know. But I hope that would be a worse case scenario.

I am sure this must be a terrible secret to carry and of course, in hindsight, you must be very cross you read the message! Or that you replied! But you acted in the heat of the moment and were upset, it is understandable.

In your shoes I would let your mum handle it her way, I can't see for an ill man in his sixties to find this out now will make his life any better, and may make it much worse. If you do decide to keep her secret, please just remember there are worse things she could do to your father, and although it is very sad she has felt the need/desire to do this. none of us are perfect and as someone else said, your job is to pick up the pieces.

Disagree Emma. The op is pregnant, has a history of pregnancy related issues relating to stress, a sick dad and now a stress bomb that has gone off right in front of her. Her mother as the op has said has been a domineering personality who has dictated the moral high ground throughout the OPS life. There are a multitude of issues surrounding this that the OP needs help with.

This fight your own battles line adds to her stress which she doesn't need.

Op you really don't need to do this alone, nor should you have to to prove some point. You are perfectly entitled to ask for help or support whenever you need it in whatever form. Bullies like to isolate people and that is what your mother is trying to do, bully you into keeping quiet and protecting her affair.

Just read the whole thread. How awful for you and your dad. Of course your mum brought you into all this when she kept dropping you last minute for lover boy. Apart from anything else that's a horrid thing to do to her grandchild.

Totally human response, OP. I DON'T think YABU at all! I have no idea want I would do in your position. Here's a big hug

Learning you misunderstood my point. I wasn't saying the OP should deal with this alone without any help or support. All I'm saying is that I think it's better for her to say what she needs to say to her mother, with back up from her DP if necessary, but not for him to do all the talking for her.

Tbh I find it the idea that a pregnant woman needs to be wrapped in cotton wool and protected by her man a bit offensive. Yes this is a difficult time, OP needs to take of herself and her DP needs to support her, but she's carrying a baby, she isn't one herself.

Emma go through multiple mc and say trite nonsense like "but she's carrying a baby, she isn't one herself." That's a horrendously insensitive comment to make!

Emma I didn't say she was a baby. I think that's unfair. Nor am I suggesting she hides behind her DH.

She can say anything she wants of course. When she's collected her thoughts I'm sure there's a lot she wants to say and should say. I don't think she's there yet.

I think that her medical history is entirely relevant though and needs to be taken into consideration. Of course pregnancy doesn't make her unable to communicate independently. But too much stress over a prolonged period can impact her blood pressure and have consequences. I know this from personal experience sadly

Belive you mean I have a mouth on me and go for the jugular when the situation calls for it (my nickname is the rottweiler ) but I think you should know when to go nuclear and when to consider the bigger picture. Op is only 7 weeks, early days. Nothing is more important than that.

Why is it insensitive? I understand the risks of pregnancy and the physical and emotional toll it takes on a woman. I am just saying that it doesn't render women completely incapable of doing anything! I respect a woman's choice as to want she does and doesn't want to do when she's pregnant.

This is a terribly stressful situation for the OP to be in, and I wish she had never seen the text message, but unfortunately she did. So I think it has to be dealt with in one way or another.

I honestly didn't mean to offend anyone or minimise the demands or risks of pregnancy. I am simply trying to defend the capabilities of women, pregnant or not!

Thank you all again.

Well it didn't go very well. She wasn't being abusive on the phone, very calm. But she was just telling me everything she thinks I want to hear I think.

To sum it up:

Of course she loves my Dad, she just isn't IN love with him. (I told her I'd heard that line in most cheesey movies but she still insists it's true)

She isn't actually having sex with OM, just loves him and talking to him. He doesn't have a wife and he's had a triple heart bypass so of course there is nothing funny going on.

At this point after listening in disgust/ surprise I pointed out to her that I did tell her yesterday I'd read most of the messages between them. She seemed to have forgotten.

I pointed out I'd read many texts about his wife (about whether she was there or not) so either she was lying to me again or OM is a complete nut with an imaginary wife.

I also said I'd seen the explicit nature of the texts (He couldn't wait to....etc.) so I knew she was lying about that too.

She got really quiet and asked me what I was going to do. I told her I'd told DP (she was mortified about that) because I needed support.

She asked me then what SHE should do. I said if she cared anything about my father at all then she should call everything off with OM (if that's even up to her anymore, still no contact apparently)

OR if she really didn't want to be with my father then she should tell him that and go from there, not about the cheating but how she feels. I told her he was a good man who didn't deserve to be treated like a fool.

Finished up by telling her I'd lost most of my respect for her over the last 24 hours, that to honest I'm not sure where our relationship goes from here but I want some space away from her for a while.

She said I should remember she loves me. I've just got off the phone and I feel completely drained.

My last post (10.56) was in reply to Bacon btw

" I understand the risks of pregnancy and the physical and emotional toll it takes on a woman. "

Do you mean a normal pregnancy for most women or a high risk one fraught with fear of yet another mc? Because in this case unless you've been through it you can't possibly know how terrifying and stressful just being pregnant is without the shitstorm the op's mother has landed on her!

In fact OP I'm tempted to say give me your 'd' m's number and I'll have a bloody word with her just for pulling this shit while you're pregnant given she must know where you're at with this. What kind of mother/grandmother does that?

Just read your update OP. It sounds like to dealt with the phone call very well indeed. Well done. Now have a hug and

I'd like to think, that if this were my relative I

1] would not have snooped further on her phone
2] woudl not have got involved in something that I had no business getting involved in (texting OM)
3] would have sat down with said relative & asked her why she thought what she was doing was OK, and why was this her only option over leaving her marriage.

This isn't all about the op. She has committed a huge breech of trust by reading her mother's messages. A lot of messages, it would seem!

If your mother discovered this about you, op...are you really saying that you would be happy with the way she handled the discovery?

Don't answer the phone. Just don't.

If you have to, text her and say not today.

Like all cheaters she has had time now to work on her story.

She will still be blaming you and this call will not end well.

She will either have made up with OP, be blaming you for ruining her sordid little affair or be lying to you further.

This is obvious because she is waiting until your dad is out of the house. More secrecy from him and dragging you further into it by doing this.

You are not ready for this confrontation which will be a bull shit.

You do not need this stress right now.

Beet

Sounds like it went as well as it could.

You called her out on her lies. She must have forgotten you'd read the texts. Just goes to show how sadly predictable the cheating script is (lie and minimise).

You told her DH knew so you are not alone. Can't try to emotionally blackmail you anymore.

You've told her what she needs to do. She can't brush it under the carpet.

I'm not sure at this stage there is much more you could do.

How are you feeling?

OH MY GOD!
OP your mum really is a piece of work! All those lies!!!

"She said I should remember she loves me." Unbelievable! She's not exactly been acting like it and is lying through her teeth at the moment anyway! Plus she's got no right just now to tell you that you 'should' be doing anything!!

Fwiw I think you did really well and said exactly the right things. Up to her to start behaving like a decent human being, for starters to stop bloody lying!!

Well done OP for dealing with the phone call so well.

My DM had a wobble re my stepdad this year (all sorted I hope) but her own DM (my DGM) when young had a few affairs I think (luckily DGM was the divorce type, 3 x!) however that didn't help the fallout it had on my DM. It really does hit home when people are telling lies, running around hiding and not thinking of the impact on others. I will say this, you can if you want to, rebuild a relationship with your DM (my DM and DGM did), i don't know the ins and outs as this happened before I was born. It's awful though.

Take it easy today, have some and and space to breathe and a hug.