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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 13/09/2015 07:18

I'm surprised at the outrage about reading someone's txts - not good manners but anyone can read my txts if they want?
A bit like reading someone's mail, not nice but not the hanging offence it is on MN - does everyone have secret stuff no one else must read?

NotSoHappyBeet · 13/09/2015 07:46

Good morning all

SuffolkNWhat · 13/09/2015 07:49

You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. If she tries to make it your fault again then cut the call short.

NotSoHappyBeet · 13/09/2015 07:50

I will do Suffolk, I'm not great at confrontation in the best of circumstances.

I do think I need to talk to her. Whether anything good can come out of it is up to how cool we can both keep I guess.

SuffolkNWhat · 13/09/2015 07:53

It's a horrid situation to be in and going by her texts she is in damage limitation mode

diddl · 13/09/2015 08:04

I agree that you don't have to talk to her if you don't feel ready.

She might have calmed down & not be as nasty as yesterday, but she still might be making exuses & trying to justify herself or asking you not to tell anyone, all of which you might not want to hear.

Perhaps you could take the chance to tell her how shocked/upset you were by her vitriol yesterday & her callous cancelling of things with you last minute.

But other than that there's nothing else to say atm as it has been such a shock.

californiaburrito · 13/09/2015 08:04

Hi Beet

I never post on these threads but I can't believe the response you got last night. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

As someone who has a mother who can squeeze 7 different kinds of fucked up into one sentence I think you need to come in to any discussion with your mother totally prepared. Do not get bogged down in bullshit like "you can't choose who you love" and have an exit strategy planned. Maybe write down a phrase that you can use to get off the phone without shouting and putting the phone down?

That means, of course, you've got to get your head right before you speak to her and maybe that's not this morning, or maybe there are some elements of this that you don't want to discuss yet (the holiday, telling your dad). That's fine too. It was your mother who unleashed this shitstorm and you have every right to respond to it on your terms.

Good Luck!

Scoobydoo8 · 13/09/2015 08:17

Well, if she is angry or critical of you you can say you'd prefer to discuss this when you have DP around for support and that you'll speak to her later.

Which isn't unreasonable.

It's a bit soon for both of you, you and DM, to have come to terms with this new situation (her affair and you knowing about it). And a bit soon for either of you to have decided the best way forward.

BYOSnowman · 13/09/2015 08:19

Also remember that her heavy out has changed recently (stressed and angry) and this is impacting on your dad already. Don't let her think trying to stuff this under the carpet will protect him.

petalsandstars · 13/09/2015 08:20

My initial response to the phone ringing is answer it. But you don't actually have to talk to her if you are not ready and don't want to yet. Be busy or out if you would rather have DP support Flowers

londonrach · 13/09/2015 08:21

Hugs beet. Cant add anything but wanted to give you a hand the hold. Xx

SWFARMER · 13/09/2015 08:39

Hi beet. I can't believe some of the responses you got last night. Please do ignore the insensitive idiots :-)

If I were you in your position I would answers the phone definitely as Well, I'm pretty nosey and would love to know what she has to say. I would answer it and say I'm not going to be talked to like shit, if you're going to talk calmly then continue the conversation. If not I don't think we should bother until you've calmed down. Or something along those lines.

Good luck with the talk.x

petalsandstars · 13/09/2015 08:51

That's a good idea farmer I'd have that written down in front of me

gruffaloshmuffalo · 13/09/2015 08:59

OP I really feel for you. For what it's worth, I would have done the same thing I think. You mom is behaving awfully!

CantAffordtoLive · 13/09/2015 09:13

Morning OP.

Someone upthread suggesting deleting the texts from your DM. Well, its up to you, but what if your DM tries to implicate you at some point? I would be tempted to hang on to them for the time being.

And if the phone call starts to get unpleasant then hang up. You have no obligation to speak to her until you feel ready.

Good luck.

KitKat1985 · 13/09/2015 09:16

Hi Beet.

I would answer the phone and hear what she says. Hang up if she gets aggressive though. You don't need that. Acknowledge that you shouldn't have sent that text but that you were very upset on behalf of your dad at the time and want to know what she plans to do next. We're all here to give you support.

rainbowstardrops · 13/09/2015 09:22

Morning Beet. Another one here who doesn't think you've done anything wrong!
I can't fathom for the life of me, the posters who think it's nothing to do with the children etc and only between the people involved. What utter twaddle!!!!
My dad cheated on my mum (mum found out) and whilst it all blew over to some extent and I still love my dad and have contact, everything changed the day I found out and my dad stopped being the hero that I'd thought he was for twenty odd years! So yes, it does affect other people too. Sad
Stay strong OP and don't forget, you don't have to do anything your mum says and you don't have to listen to her excuses if you don't feel ready. Good luck Smile

thehypocritesoaf · 13/09/2015 09:30

I don't think the mum will have stopped blaming you yet.
I'd text back-' busy this morning- will talk next weekend' or something.
You're just going to get a load of justifications/woe is me today.

TenForward82 · 13/09/2015 09:42

Morning beet, I'm so sorry these idiots got to you. You have done nothing wrong. Good luck with the phone call, don't let her blame you, hang up if she gets abusive or starts to twist facts.

Learningtoletgo · 13/09/2015 09:48

I agree with Bacon yum, especially the last bit. I suggested this up thread and was berated for suggesting that the DH get involved Hmm

Fact is this IS a family problem now. The mother has made it one with her abusive texts. She's emotionally abusing the OP into keeping quiet, which imho is despicable given that she has a history of difficult pregnancies.

Her DH needs to step in and support his wife from further abuse. She's vulnerable and confused.

cremeeggboycotter · 13/09/2015 09:50

Hi Beet, you have done nothing wrong. Ignore those putting the boot in and the arses calling this thread fake. Have prepared what you will say when she first calls, just a simple 'your messages were really unfair and spiteful yesterday, if all you are going to do is say the same again and blame everyone else but yourself then I'll hang up. If you want to actually talk then I'm listening.'

But if you don't want to pick up when she calls don't. If you want to text her something like the above in advance so that you don't have to try and think about it and say it first off, then that may be a good idea. Then if you do pick up and she immediately starts going on you don't have to try and say it, you can just say 'I told you, I'm hanging up now.'

I doubt she's over blaming you. I suspect it will be calmer now and done in a more reasoned way then just ranting but I doubt she's had a 'i've fucked up with this affair' revelation.' More likely a 'damage control time and I'll get Beet to calm her dad's worries down.'

If at any point you feel stressed, hang up. If you want to wait for DH, wait for then.

Don't let her gaslight or blame you, remember who is in the wrong and if she starts focusing on you seeing her text then just tell her straight- stop focusing on it and focus on the real issue, her behaviour both with the affair and verbally attacking her daughter..

Lizzylou · 13/09/2015 09:52

Op you don't have to speak to your Mother if you don't want to. She can't just call the shots like that now. If you would rather speak to her when your partner is around then text her back with a time that is convenient to you. If you feel up to speaking with her that is.
Be selfish, look after yourself.

NoahVale · 13/09/2015 09:53

It is a horrible secret for you to have to carry round OP.

you both behaved badly, you know that.

Try if you can to keep out of it.

They have their reasons. They have probably been married or together for 30 years?
perhaps neither of them want to upset the apple cart. Finances, etc.,
obviously you dont want to be involved and you love your dad. but your knowing might well make a difference to the affair.

but it is their lives. not yours.

cremeeggboycotter · 13/09/2015 09:54

Oh and locked or not, my phone behaves exactly the same for watsapp and texts and pops up on screen. Both visible if unlocked and watsapp visible even if locked. (example from google)

www.ampercent.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/Reply-to-first-message.png

PurpleSkyatthewateringhole · 13/09/2015 09:55

Beet - I've been following and just want to add my support. Be calm and clear with your (d?)mother.

Make it clear you are not responsible for her life choices.

Say you're not sure where to go from here with her as a mother and a grandmother considering how nasty (and unreliable) she has been to you. Ask her to take that into consideration as she thinks things over and you will talk at a later date.

She finds your silence threatening so if you need to - only if you need to - use that to stop an argument and blank and just say 'I think we need some time before we speak again' and hang up.

Got to go. Ds needs medicine.