Shit, I text my Mums lover.

[HappyBeet86]

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

*A frank discussion with the mother and a refusal to be used as an alibi without a childish rant in a text message and the subsequent nuclear fallout within her own family would have surely made more sense^

I'm sure nothing about this situation will ever make sense to the OP. The 'nuclear fallout' would have happened anyway, It's just a pity her daughter had to be the one to find out first.

As Bogey says it's done.

Italic fail

And actually, analyzing what the OP did, her first instinct was the attack the person threatening her family...the MM. She didnt attack her mother but him. She was lashing out at the person who, in the moment of fear and shock, appeared to be the biggest risk to her happy family. I would say that thats a very natural reaction and one that we would all experience when we think that our family has been threatened.

Bogey your posts are wise and a bit... painful on your behalf to read.

no one in the world has ever accidentally read another persons text.
I think what you did is unforgivable

no one in the world has ever accidentally read another persons text.

Regular you've clearly never seen an Iphone. I accidentally read DHs texts all the time when it goes off in front of me. It displays the text across the screen without you having to open it.

Oh and troll hunting is not allowed, just so you know.

velvet - I would never read my partner's phone on purpose, but if a message flashed up that said that I would obviously be curious about it! It would be totally shocking, and if i were 7 weeks pregnant like the OP I think maybe I would act in a similar way.

IPhone? My cheap ass phone brings up messages on the front screen, pretty much full thing unless it's more than a page or two. And my phone won't lock properly, the world and his mother can read any message I get. Even 15 years ago, some phones brought up the first line or two, so your idea of not accidentally reading a text is bull, Regular. Not to talk about most people having the same phones (not the case here I know), it's quite easy to pick up a phone thinking it's yours at times. Anyone with sense (something to hide), puts a lock on their phone so these things don't happen, as it is so easy to accidentally read something you 'weren't meant to'.

"Bullshit Mum. You are a liar and a cheat. Don't you dare use me as cover (cancelling at the last minute - NOW I understand) ever again. I'm going to talk to DP about it, I'm not sure I can face going away with you now."

Not read whole thread yet, but this is exactly what needs to be said/texted/communicated to your mum. Word for word.

Op- I've read all your posts on this thread and I salute you. You are absolutely the bomb- best text I have ever read to a cheating arse hole. And you love your mum and dad. You are pregnant, bag of hormones, no wine to enjoy at such a stressful time, loving your dp and your daughter- I've never been more impressed with a poster on mn. Good bloody on you. Parents are weird and your dad sounds lovely.

Oh op, what an awful situation.

REgular Why bother posting? Report if you think its fake.

And even if it is fake, so what? Its proved a very interesting point that has been brought up many times on MN. A man is in the wrong even if he is right, and woman is never to blame even when she is. The blatant sexism in this thread alone shows that and so even if the thread is proved to be fake I think it should stay as part of that debate.

Hearts thank you for suggesting I have wisdom! I hope I have a little bit, and I have always thought that wisdom is learning from lifes disasters, be they ours or other peoples. I have learned.....never get caught :o

Regular report the OP if you think the OP is a troll.

OP, I hope that your talk with your DH has calmed and reassured you, what a horrible position to find yourself in. My father was the one who cheated and tried to convince my mum she was going mad, but I was too young (5) to realise at the time. You must have had one hell of a shock.

Take some time before you respond to your mum, but fwiw I really do think it should be her that tells your father, not you. It's their marriage, and whilst I do think you have the right to tell your mother precisely what you think about her actions, it really should be her that has to tell your father the devastating news about the end of his marriage.

I don't think there's much point speculating whether the replies would have been different if it was the father cheating on the mother. We don't and can't know. And in this case I'm not convinced the unsupportive replies are sexist, they're just nasty. Whether you support the OP or defend her mother's "right to privacy", they're both women, so I don't think gender really comes into it. It's more concerning that people seem to think a child discovering their parent's affair is somehow none of their business - wtf?! Of course it's her business. She loves her father and is angry with her mother for betraying him. She is upset and lost to discover her mother is not the person she thought. She is now faced with the unenviable choice of sharing or keeping her mother's nasty secret. And she's supposed to carry on with her life as normal?! Honestly, a furious text message was a pretty mild reaction in the circumstances.

Bogey

DH went to a military college (think Sandhurst) and their motto was "Truth, Duty, Valour" to which the cadets added "...And Don't Get Caught"

Its a good motto!

In all seriousness, I have learned, never do anything that you dont truly believe in. Affairs, lying, stealing etc will all be found out in some way, if only in your own heart, so if you dont truly believe that you are doing the right thing and are prepared to take whatever consequences come your way, dont do it. Sadly, a lot of people think that they are so clever that they wont get caught, so I think knowing your own limitations would be a good gift to have too.

My mum has cheated twice; the first was a longstanding affair and I found texts on her phone when I was about 14 or so. My dad knew all about it and it was a long standing saga. He didn't want to leave because it's not that common here and he didn't want to be separated from my sister and I. It all came to a head when we started uni, we knew the score and how shit she'd been and there was no chance we were sticking around with her so dad told her to leave. She stopped seeing him (she was always crap at hiding her tracks anyway) then.

I'd sort of got over it when earlier this year she started up with someone else and dad found out in really quite a grim way. She didn't continue seeing him after this, but she wouldn't tell dad the identity and contact no. of the fella for ages- it was the one thing dad wanted to know but mum wouldnt give it up! She was obviously minimising the situation to the hilt. She relied on me quite heavily; I've stopped judging apart from, "how can you be such a fucking twat", and I told her it wasn't going away and she'd have to give it up to show her commitment to making things right. She did that eventually and Dad's happy enough. He says he just wants a comfortable retirement and day to day they get on very well. He's certainly not a weak man, but he dislikes change and he's willing to look past what's happened.

The worst part is she works in a support role in a related industry to me in a small city and the last one (ha!) was a much younger colleague of hers. I'm always a bit worried about people gossiping and saying, "ah you know about her ma don't you?".

I guess what I'm saying is, no one is perfect, people make mistakes. But it's how you deal with those mistakes that matters. The difference between affair 1 and affair 2 was marked. One of the things I kept saying to her was, "Stop playing the victim, take ownership for what you've done and do whatever Dad needs you to do in order to move on from this because that's what you both want". It was amazing how long she thought she'd just be able to ride it out before dad stopped asking

What always astounds me is people having affairs being blas?? with their phones and all; put that shit on silent or on airplane mode! Fix the settings so there's no text preview! Make sure you end the call to your husband before you start getting off with someone else! Don't treat the people around you like they're stupider than you, because they're not.

What always astounds me is people having affairs being blas?? with their phones and all; put that shit on silent or on airplane mode! Fix the settings so there's no text preview! Make sure you end the call to your husband before you start getting off with someone else! Don't treat the people around you like they're stupider than you, because they're not.

Thats exactly how I felt when I got the text from my dad, "how fucking stupid are you?!!" He insulted me by pretending he didnt know what his phone had done...it didnt end well for him.....

Have you heard any more from your mum op? Was just pondering your awful situation and thinking about your dd calling to check on you, wondering what your mum said when he expressed concern and said he was calling you (if he did) I bet she was shitting herself in case you let it out. In my opinion their just is no justification for cheating, an idealistic point of view but no less valid. Chin up, I imagine it will without a doubt get much worse emotionally before you see an improvement.

Also, I call bullshit to the posters claiming you can't read texts accidently, even my new model shows the first line at the top of the lack screen when it is first recieved, and the text you read was short, concise and left no question as to the situation. I stand by my prior comment that this is NOT op fault, its a mess of her mother's making and frankly her mother deserves any fall out.

Op, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Other posters, eg. Bogey, have picked up on something that I think is important - cheating always impacts LOADS of people. I'be mentioned it before, but in a former houseshare I lived with 2 serial cheaters and one girl who was cheated on. One of the regular cheaters made us all complicit - when her boyfriend came we all had to lie. OP's mum has involved people by using op as cover (and who knows who else), the wife of mm is now involved, the people mm is involving.

I second kudos to pinky, I hope I can also be reflective when I react badly.

I am actually furious on op's behalf with those saying its none of her business and she shouldn't have done/said anything.

1 its not helpful or constructive.

2 she doesn't need the extra stress she's enough to cope with.

3 frankly it makes you look immoral yourselves. I'd lay money at least half of the posters saying this have cheated/are cheating themselves and are projecting their guilt.

Op and glad you're getting support from dh.

Don't text your mum, simply for your father's sake in case he saw your texts and not only finds out in a horrible way but then has to deal with your knowing too.

I suggest

When/if you're up to it, arrange to meet mum possibly with dh in a public place.

Don't let her blame you you've done NOTHING WRONG!

The tack I would take is that the abusive texts, blame of you and tbh lies about her marriage to your father who you love and who also has done nothing wrong stop NOW. That after a genuine apology for putting you in such an awful situation when you are also vulnerable by using you as cover you want to hear no more about it, but if you even suspect she's being unfaithful again you will be left with no choice but to tell your father for the sake of his health if nothing else as even with condoms there's no guarantee she hasn't caught something from mm (who I suspect is not cheating for the first time).

She needs to take responsibility for her actions and stop blaming others.

And she's to make the holiday as stress free for you as possible, staying out of your way without arousing suspicion as much as possible.

Personally, I think she's behaved appallingly and if I were your dh I'd be steaming into her telling her go grow up, take responsibility, and back the hell off from attacking you!

I had to comment OP, I read this last night and tried to reply but my internet was playing up. I'm now up feeding the baby and thinking of you.

To those who are calling troll, shame on you. This happened to me aged 17. Your whole world melts before your very eyes - my parents were the glue of my world at the time and suddenly that was all ruined. You've done nothing to be ashamed of.

Can I suggest something? Seek councilling ASAP. You are now carrying a secret you shouldn't have to and you are pregnant! You need as much trustworthy support as you can get. I know it sounds dramatic but I wish I had. 12 years on and im still hurting and bitter and I wonder now if I had had professional support I might have coped a little better. The road ahead is long and complicated I'm afraid.

Don't go on holiday, blame morning sickness if you have to to spare your dads feelings for now. Delete those texts from your mum, don't read them again. They will hurt more each time if you do. If you respond to her, be neutral and make it clear that you do not wish to be involved and do not need to know any details. Suggest she uses the holiday to think about her actions and make a plan for telling your dad. Tell her you will support her when she tells him, which she must, now that you know. I failed at this with my dad (mainly because he still feels he did nothing wrong) but try and remember your parents are only human and make mistakes too.

You sound like such a nice person. I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.