Shit, I text my Mums lover.

[HappyBeet86]

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

Two wrongs don't make a right would only apply if it was her father that had found out, then cheated in return in spite. Finding out about an affair isn't wrong for goodness sake. The "wrongful doing" had already been commited, the finding out of it is just a consequence, not a tresspass in itself. What about the pain it has caused her? She's not exactly in a great position to deal with this stress at the moment. Her father doesn't even know, but she's having to deal with it even though this is the time she should be under minimal stress. People like you, Kungpopanda, don't seem to care for that though.

I think the kneejerk reply on seeing the first text was an extremely excellent response, good on the OP. Shame she didn't actually keep the number to carry out the threat.

How can the op be bad for revealing something that her mother is doing?

If her mum had been racking up debt and she had seen a credit card statement - would she be just as bad as her mum if she told her dad about the shitstorm floating above their head? Her mum has done something bad - it coming out is no ones fault but her own for doing the bad thing in the first place

If you can't do the time don't do the crime

Posters are only defending the OPs mum because she is a woman, like I said earlier, had this been her dad he would have been hung out to dry, it would be damaged that OP tell her mum so she could get away from a cheating scumbag. Just because it's the woman and not the man makes this no different.

OP, your mum is a cow. How dare she blame you and tell you that you would kill you dad by telling him. What a horrible selfish woman. This is all of her doing. No one elses. She hasn't even got the guts to just own it. She has to make excuses and blame everyone else.

Honestly, how are you going to act around your dad? It's going to be very tough! Surely he is going to notice as he already has. I feel so sorry for him.

This thread has been enlightening.

OP, I got grief for not telling anyone about my Mum's affair. I was 8 when the penny dropped. I hadn't snooped or read texts (no mobiles then!) I didn't say anything. I did get more and more withdrawn and unhappy. At age 8. It wasn't her first either. but apparently she has always been Mother Earth

I had done nothing wrong. The OP has done nothing wrong. Some people on here need a huge reality check. Being all goady and nasty with someone who has just has a shock isn't nice. If they are pregnant even worse.

I've read so many threads on here, where OP feels like she is going mad because her H is acting weird and OP is not sure if it's all in her head as her H is trying to make her believe.

Happy's mother is doing just that to her unwell husband. That's worse then him finding out about his wife's affair imo.

I can't believe anyone is trying to justify the mothers behaviour, she is cheating on her husband, blaming her daughter for her behaviour, she is complicit in wrecking another woman's marriage (yes I know it's popular on MN to ignore the OW, but I believe she is complicit in the heartache caused as a direct result of her participation in the affair).

I'm so sorry you're going thro this Happy. I'd be likely to tell my siblings as well. I would not be keeping your mothers dirty little secret.

I agree, Lizzylou. But props to pinky for being open to changing her mind.

Rock and hard place for you OP.

Remember the messenger always gets shot. Don't try and tell your dad,your mum should do that. You need to see her away from your dad and have a LONG chat. You have done nothing at all wrong.

Hello op.

I'm not going to get involved with the frankly hysterical debate about the affair.

What I will say op is I know how shocking it is to suddenly find your parent has feet of clay. You have my sympathies

I completely disagree that OP should have minded her own business. This is her family, it is her business.

Like most affairs this one has landed her mother in a shitty situation. It could have happened a million other ways but this is how it turned out.

It's a risk she took, especially after involving her own daughter in the first place.

God, this is so sad! OP, you must be reeling. The messages you've received from your mother must have been awful to read. To realise someone is not who you thought they were - especially a person as important as your mother - well, that's incredibly tough.

It sounds like she is panicking. My parents are divorced and I aways HATED the partner she had as I was a teenager. It simply never occurred to me that she wanted a partner, just like I did, and do.

She has absolutely gone about things the wrong way, and continues to do so. I would say though, is she right in saying that she couldn't have told your father? She says she hasn't been in love with him for years, and we have no reason to doubt that. Imagine her position. She is unhappy. He becomes ill. She is faced with her own mortality (through the illness of her partner); and, we don't know when in the timeline it happens, but at some point someone comes along who makes her feel happy and loved again. Would she have had the option to leave her husband at that point? How would the family have reacted to that? Would your father be any happier?

It's an awful situation. I know this is an unpopular viewpoint, but I can see your mother's point of view here. She is entering the final third of her life and looking for more. It's clear she has handled things badly, but there are no easy answers here either.

Her moralising, on the other hand, must be extremely hollow in hindsight, and that I couldn't forgive.

Good luck x

Sorry - second paragraph should read "I always hated the partner my mother had when I was a teenager."

And the third paragraph-opening "she" refers to the OP's mother! Need to sort out my pronouns

Bloody hell fire; those who are sticking the boot into the OP must either have guilty consciences themselves, or be lucky enough to have some selfish cheating prick rip their family apart.

It is categorically not solely the business of the couple, when it impacts their family to such a degree. My own childhood was severely affected by the selfish actions of both my parents (Father cheated on my Mum & left when I was 3 months, Mum went on to sh*g the local scout leader when I was about 8, resulting in several years of severe bullying for me). Mine & my Grandparents lives were deeply affected by these affairs; I don't understand how anyone can claim it's 'private' business?

I hope you are ok HappyBeet, and I'm glad your DP is taking good care of you. Please keep your head up, and concentrate on yourself, your DD and your DF. Your DM has got HERSELF into this, do not let her place any blame on you x

*NOT to have had some selfish prick.....

& or for OP.
What a horrible situation for you.
I think I'd have had to look through previous texts too after finding such an explosive message.
I wouldn't tell your df, not only because he's unwell but because it sounds like your dm might try twisting things so you're to blame somehow. Often it's the messenger who gets shot.
Think carefully about the holiday & whether you'd be able to cope with it. Good luck

When I found out about my dads affair (mentioned above, I did post a thread about it), I was told that I was making excuses for not telling my mother.

A thread that started out with a WHAT THE FUCK??!!! ended up with my defending my position for not telling my mother, being asked to explain why I felt that a woman who was abusive during my childhood as a direct result of an illness she had was worth my loyalty, whether I was so angry at my father because my own husband had cheated so I was projecting......

All I wanted was some support, this was on Relationships btw, and I got the third degree and psychoanalysed! I have re-read the thread today on the back of this one, and I am still slightly shocked at some of the things that were said. Basically it was because I knew that telling my mother was the wrong thing to do. 6 months later I know I made the right decision. Do I know his affair is over? No. Do I know that she is happy? Yes. Thats the best I can do.

Kudos to Pinky for having a rethink. Its so easy to say what someone should do when it isnt you that has to do it. As the OP said, she would be the first to say "Oh you must tell your dad" if it wasnt her, but when it is you and it is your family that faces a shit storm of apocalyptic proportions, it isnt that easy. The same as "LTB" when they have cheated on isnt always that easy.

Oh and a couple more things (sorry!)

Examining the phone was possibly excusable in the circumstances but replying wasn't. The OP is an adult and should have some impulse control

I have terrible impulse control when I am frightened or angry. I will fire off the email/text/phone call and then regret it later. I will storm off with no money no clothes and be too proud to return until my point is made. I will ..... stick a photo of OWs tits and her mobile number on a no strings sex website and get in trouble when she reports me to the police .....act first and think later, so I totally sympathise with what the OP did and in this case, it was probably not such a silly thing to do at that as it will probably show the "D"M what a slimebag the MM is.

Secondly, I feel that this is the OPs business for one reason. Her mother used her as cover for the cheating. If the father finds that out then he could think that the OP knew and that could damage the only healthy relationship this family seems to have. The 2 innocents could end up estranged because of the cheater, and that makes it the OPs business. She has a responsibility now to protect their relationship and if that means sacrificing a relationship with the woman who hurt them both then so be it.

You should never have been put in that position in the first place Bogey, same as the OP.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It would be great if we all could behave as rational, perfect human beings all the time, but that doesn't tend to happen when you are faced with your whole world caving in.

When you choose to have an affair you need to be prepared for the shit to hit the fan.

When you choose to have an affair you need to be prepared for the shit to hit the fan.

I totally agree. I said as much upthread.

When you do something like this then you accept all and any consequences. Clearly the OPs mum didnt think she would get found out, but then, they never do.

And no, I shouldnt have been put in that position and that is what has done the most harm to my relationship with my father. I said to him that I was fucking furious that he could be so careless, that he was lucky it was me he texted and not my sister who would have gone into orbit (my impulse control is poor, hers is nonexistent), or practially any one but me. And that I didnt want to know! I wanted to unsee it, to unknow what I knew, but I couldnt and I hated him for that.

He knew about H's affair and although he has never mentioned it I know that he thinks I shouldnt have stayed with him (although he understands why I did) and am too good for H. I said that the way he feels about H is the way I felt about him, the look on his face is not something I want to see ever again, but I think it hit home and I am glad it did. He had convinced himself that what he was doing was different to what H did, but it wasnt. There was no sex in either case, there was however lots of lying and cheating. In that moment he realised that he was just as bad as the man he had spent the last 2 years condemning whilst at the same time having his own affair. Its not nice when someone holds a mirror up and shows you for what you really are.....

I just cannot believe that anyone would defend this person.

I know she is speaking from a defensive, guilty place right now but to use OP's sick father as a weapon is disgraceful.

She wasn't thinking about him when she was having the bloody affair.

X post.

I can't imagine how hard that must have been after all you went through with your husband.

It doesn't matter how old you are, when it comes to your parents you still hurt like a child when they fuck you over.

But it's true that if he found out he'd be caused enormous distress. Who would it be making feel better? OP would feel she had seen justice delivered, but her father would feel horrendous. I think sometimes we need to step back from the morally righteous urges and see it in shades of grey. Why inflict such a horrible time on the father?
The mother is in the wrong yes and it is her actions that have caused this situation to arise - BUT it doesn't mean it's OP's place to intervene and cause distress to more people. A frank discussion with the mother and a refusal to be used as an alibi without a childish rant in a text message and the subsequent nuclear fallout within her own family would have surely made more sense. The mother is not property. She's a person. She's not just a family member; a wife, a mother. She's still her and for whatever reason she has done this, she has, and that's her decision.

Leghoul yes but the you are not factoring in human frailty. The thread title alone shows that the OP knows that firing off that text was not the best course of action. But she is human, she acted on pure instinct and then her brain cut back in and said "Er....dont think you should have done that.....".

Its done. Whether she should have done it or not is irrelevant. You might as well have a go at me for what I had for breakfast, its done, it cant be changed. What matters now is how the OP goes from here and I agree, no good can come from the father knowing, it why I didnt tell my mother. But castigating her further for something she already regrets isnt helpful or understanding, which is what the OP needs right now.

I totally agree with you, Bogeyface.