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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
janethegirl2 · 12/09/2015 20:30

pinky you are getting very repetitive and boring. No where else to go?

OP I'd hate to be in your situation but I'd probably have reacted exactly as you did.

It's a real issue if your dm had been a sanctimonious git and you have just found out all your expectations are completely buggered cos she's been shagging around. FlowersWine 1 glass only as you are expecting.

Gruntfuttock · 12/09/2015 20:32

This would be a terrible shock and extremely distressing for anyone to find out about their mother, but the OP is also seven weeks pregnant and needs support, not accusations. Especially as her mother has gone on the attack and the OP is worried about her father. Thank goodness she has her DP to confide in, but anyone trying to make the OP feel even worse than she already does is out of order IMO.

Shutthatdoor · 12/09/2015 20:33

OP any fallout from this will be on your shoulders. You are very much in the wrong.

Seriously Hmm

CloudsofBrick · 12/09/2015 20:33

This is truly shitty for you, but if it's any consolation I've been through similar in a pregnant state, and mum and I are now ok.

In a nutshell, I discovered - in the same way as you - that she was having an affair with my estranged father, who (27 years previously) cheated on her with the woman who is now his wife. Mum is single so wasn't cheating on a spouse but was still engaging in adulterous behaviour. I was fucking fuming and so upset.

She didn't take my interference well, but was incredibly ashamed and too embarrassed to talk to me. Eventually we had words - lots of them. I told her she was completely stupid and I was disappointed in her. She needed to shake him once and for all.

After some to and fro-ing, it got left alone and we rebuilt our relationship. I have no idea if they started seeing each other again - she asked me not to get involved again. I told her that was fine but to remember she's worth more than being someone's bit on the side, that I in no way condone or agree with it, and that I think she's bloody stupid to get involved with that piece of rat shit.

We don't talk about it now, but if I ever found out she was doing it again, I'd break my NC with him and go to the other side and warn HIM off! He needs to keep it in his pants and she needs to not be so weak - and I imagine it's the same with your mum and her OM, Happy! Good luck x

Chippednailvarnish · 12/09/2015 20:34

You've been very unkind pinky

Annaliesey · 12/09/2015 20:34

Op I think you are getting a hard time here.

I think it's understandable that you reacted initially. You didn't deliberately go snooping, you didn't suspect anything beforehand, and you were caught off guard emotionally and reacted in an instantly protective way regards your family unit and your morals.

However, you need to be there for your mum. Give her a chance to talk with you properly. You don't know her side until you speak with her

And I certainly would not tell your Dad. That's your mums place to do that and you don't know what's going on in their relationship and his health must be very difficult.

Fwiw I found out my mum had had a 7 yr affair with married man. She did leave my dad but wanted her dignity of people not knowing about the affair. She didn't end up with the married man either and lived on her own. The bit I found hardest was her telling me how much she loved him and bits and pieces of intimate stuff that she wanted to share with me as adult daughter.

Just be there for both your parents and talk to your mum if you can

Good luck :)

CantAffordtoLive · 12/09/2015 20:34

Just to say OP I, for one, do not think you have done anything wrong. I suspect those who are critical of you have something to hide themselves.

It was possibly a good thing it was you who saw the message, it could just as easily have been your DD :(

I hope things calm down now and you manage to enjoy your holiday. It is an opportunity to let your DD enjoy himself. Flowers

Gruntfuttock · 12/09/2015 20:36

"However, you need to be there for your mum."

WTF?

CantAffordtoLive · 12/09/2015 20:37

I also think that you can not dwell too much on your parents relationship. I guess you never really know anyone. You should not be aware of the difficulties they may have/had as it would not help you to get further involved.

Gruntfuttock · 12/09/2015 20:37

Annaliesey would you be saying "You need to be there for your dad" if he'd been the one cheating on her mother instead of the other way round? I doubt it.

paulapompom · 12/09/2015 20:38

pinky i think that's one of the difficulties, the information was just thrown into the ops lap, she had an emotional response. She panicked after sending the text, but in the same situation any of us might have done the same. Some people might have not held it together like the op and gone screaming round the house at dm, and immediately told df. I think she coped really well.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2015 20:39

Ok on reflection I think I have been guilty of posting my initial reaction without thinking about what the OP would be feeling. I think I would feel like the rug had been pulled from under me if it were me. So I apologise OP. I'm sorry that I was judgmental without considering how you must be feeling.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 20:39

Be there for her mum? I'm sorry, the same woman who's spent half the day sending rude messages to her daughter, basically saying that if she breathes a word, her poor, sick dad will be the one to suffer? No, her mum doesn't need support. She needs a bloody wake up call. Expecting her pregnant, upset daughter to be a shoulder to cry on and sort out this mess would be just as bad as the sweary, threatening messages she's sent.

suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 20:44

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MistressMerryWeather · 12/09/2015 20:47

Then report it and stop enjoying yourself so much Suzanne.

cremeeggboycotter · 12/09/2015 20:56

pinkyredrose You were acting just like her mum in terms of guilting her, playing on her emotions and being very unfair. I've seen you realise now that you were being unfair, kudos on admitting it- it's always hard to do.

suzannefollowmyvan Report OP to Mnet HQ then. Otherwise consider you could be being very unpleasant to a very vulnerable and upset person who doesn't need to be accused of that.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/09/2015 20:58

Have read this thread have also heard various 2nd hand stories in families etc about how everyone makes excuses for having an affair - rather than leaving the spouse or ending the affair.

suzanne you are a truly nasty piece of work not one thing you've said has been constructive to OP or sympathetic. At least pinky has calmly reconsidered her thoughts and feelings on this. I can only conclude suzanne that you're the cheater or have had it done to you. Despicable behaviour.

Shutthatdoor · 12/09/2015 21:05

Fwiw I found out my mum had had a 7 yr affair with married man. She did leave my dad but wanted her dignity of people not knowing about the affair

What about the 'dignity' of the person that has been cheated on!?

Absolutely shocked at some of the responses on here.

I am sure the responses would be different if the OP had found her dad was having an affair!

kungpopanda · 12/09/2015 21:08

My sympathy for the OP is limited. Seeing the message would certainly have been a shock. Examining the phone was possibly excusable in the circumstances but replying wasn't. The OP is an adult and should have some impulse control. Pregnancy is no excuse.

We do not, as adults, own our parents. It is her parents' business, not hers. She is now in a situation where her father is almost guaranteed to be distressed, either because she doesn't do the holiday or because she is projecting her 'poor pregnant me, my mammy's a dreadful person' vibes for metres around and thus inviting an opening of a can of works that is not in reality her can at all.

Having been used as 'cover' is awful, and stopping her mother doing that should be a priority. Other than that, she should mind her own business.

KitKat1985 · 12/09/2015 21:11

Oh OP you poor thing. What a horrible situation. For what it's worth I think some posters are being very harsh - yes you shouldn't have sent that text but you were upset and acted in the heat of the moment. I bet everyone on here has said and done things on the spur of the moment when very upset.

For now I think you just need to take a day or two to think about what you want to do / say next. Do not let your Mum try and shift her guilt onto you. This is her mess. It's an impossible decision as to whether you tell your Dad or not. I think some of this will depend on your Mum's next move and whether she's going to continue to peruse OM or not. I have a suspicion that he just wanted sex and now isn't going to go anywhere near your Mum, and she's going to realise that he never cared for her.

cremeeggboycotter · 12/09/2015 21:13

Her mum is a dreadful person, she's not only cheating on the DF but she's blaming everything on the OP and barraging her with vile and guilting texts. The OP has admitted she acted irrationally on impulse to text.

Her DF was already stressed and worried asking the OP to find out what was wrong with her mum since she was acting very strange and out of character. She hasn't been responding to her mothers ranting texts and I can't see anyone who loves their parents not being emotionally involved if they found one was cheating on the other.

Funinthesun15 · 12/09/2015 21:27

Can't believe some of the attitudes on here.

The OPs mum is behaving awfully and the fact that people here are saying otherwise is unbelievable.

Posters laying into the OP need to get a grip seriously wondering if some have things to hide themselves

Shutthatdoor · 12/09/2015 21:28

the OP is an adult and should have some impulse control

Like the self control the mum is showing...

Bubblesinthesummer · 12/09/2015 21:29

kungpopanda

Words fail me over your post.

kungpopanda · 12/09/2015 21:32

The OP is responsible for her own actions only. Ditto the mother. Does 'two wrongs don't make a right' ring any bells at all, shutthatdorr?

If the OP does anything that precipitates a revelation, she will be as much at fault as her mother for the pain it causes her father.

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