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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 12/09/2015 17:21

OP, Obviously it goes without saying that you wish your mother wasn't having an affair, but since she is, would you really rather not have found out or are you in some way glad that you now know what she's really capable of?

NanaNina · 12/09/2015 17:21

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MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 17:23

Jeremy Kyle show, are you for real Suzanne? If you haven't got any helpful advice for the OP, I personally suggest you hide this thread. How we came here is now neither here nor there. The op is obviously hurt, her mum is being spiteful and she needs support in dealing with it. Any other comment is now not needed, especially ones that suggest she's at fault for opening some sort of pandora's box, or suggesting she's silly for expecting her parents to be one of the few that actually have a longstanding marriage based on respecting each other, through sickness and health.

Happy - if you are on edge about replying, you could always say "mother, you really must understand why I don't have much to say to you right now. I won't tell dad, at least at this moment, I would not hurt him just to spite you, especially since he's so ill. However, I will not be blamed for any other part of this. I will speak to you another time, I don't think either of us has anything productive to say at this very moment"

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 12/09/2015 17:23

What a horrible thing for you to have to deal with when this should be a happy time for you, DP and DD.

You don't need this stress when you're pregnant. As far as possible can you step back completely for a while. Phone off, DP letting your parents know that you're very tired and need some time to relax. Just try to get some space from all this - especially her toxic texts.

I agree with PPs that there's a script to all this but just don't engage with it while you get your head round the shock.

StickyGripper · 12/09/2015 17:24

Perhaps it is for the best that the OP has seen the text and it is now in the open. Most affairs will be outed at some point. Perhaps it is better for OP's mum to come to her senses with as few people as possible knowing rather than her Dad find out or OM's wife and cause a massive scene or upset.

I think it is a good thing you know OP and she has been outed.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 12/09/2015 17:24

All these posters saying that the OP's mum is an adult and is entitled to lead her life the way she chooses... Does that apply to your husbands/partners/boyfriends? If not, why not?

Original poster
HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 17:26

It's hard to say Grunt, a bit of both I suppose.

I wish NanaNina, I actually recently joined up to get some support on a recurrent miscarriage thread I'd been lurking on for some time. I certainly didn't imagine this would be what I was discussing!

It took a surprisingly short amount of time to notice, read and react to those texts.

OP posts:
suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 17:27

Tenfor I hope you realise that I care nothing for the opinions of random people on a forum.

I'd the OP had accidentally seen a text from her cheating DP, would you still be aiming her of "meddling" and snooping?

I think it is a bad idea to interfere in another persons marriage, had the text been from her husband then that clearly wouldnt apply.

Any mention of infidelity and people on here get hysterical

Blu · 12/09/2015 17:28

ChickenTikka - I don't think anyone thinks this os ok, it clearly isn't. And of course no-one wants their own partner to behave like the OPs mother or the MM.

That doesn't automatically make it the right thing to do to get involved in someone else's marriage as if it were our own.

suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 17:30

I personally suggest you hide this thread

oh sure, whatever you say boss
(are you for real)

bunch of cackling old women sitting around a gallows enjoying the gore

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 17:32

suzannefollowmyvan, you might be happy being a cheat, living with one or look up to a parent who lives like this. Most normal people find it quite vile behaviour though. It's not abut having sex with someone else, it's about lying, cheating and most of all showing disrespect to both your own family and the family of your shag-buddy. It's about showing that you cannot be trusted, one of the fundimentl aspects of human relationships. If you can treat the people your are closest to so badly, then your whole character as a person is up for scrutiny. Don't get me wrong - people make mistakes. This is not a "mistake" though. The op's mother has chosen to do this over and over again, and is now blaming her daughter for being caught. What kind of mother does that? If I was her mum, I'd be so upset knowing that my child would be so disappointed in me, not using all sort of language towards her.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 12/09/2015 17:35

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Dowser · 12/09/2015 17:36

Skimmed through most of this and I too hope it's all true op.

If I had been in your situation I would have done exactly the same op. my shock and rage would have had the red mist come down. If I didn't txt straight back to the MM I would have gone straight up to mum or dad whichever was the guilty party and had it out with thm straightaway.

I too would have been hopping mad over being used in this way and would have told them either you end it now or I'll tell the other parent.

I certainly wouldn't want to go on holiday with them

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 17:36

Wow, not even thirty yet, and apparently I'm old! Guess I would be to someone your age though, suzanne Smile. Not telling you what to do at all, my dear, it's just that the time of arguing the ethics of looking at her mum's phone has long passed. We're now talking of ways that the op can move forward. Do you have any suggestions that don't involve ITV programmes, or that would be in any way sympathetic?

Original poster
HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 17:37

I must be feeling quite thin skinned today.

I'm not a troll.

I can see now why people say it's hurtful to be called one.

OP posts:
suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 17:38

I gotta admit MrsGently the mother is not handling it very well...hence my Jeremy Kyle reference

it remains the case that (imo) by intervening the OP will only make a bad situation worse by orders of magnitude

SanityClause · 12/09/2015 17:39

Had the OP not meddled, she would not now be in this horribly awkward position.

Glancing at a text is not meddling. Checking all the previous texts, and texting back on someone's phone absolutely is!

The OP's "I couldn't help it" whining is no different to her mother's, frankly.

Yes, the mother and her OM are both in the wrong for having an affair, but that absolutely does not excuse the OP for meddling in the way she did.

"I couldn't help it - I'm preeeegnaaant".

Oh, please! It's a cluster of cells, not a brain transplant!

Original poster
HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 17:39

There have been some very helpful suggestions of what I could say back and some lovely support on this thread, so to all of the posters who took the time to do that you have my thanks.

This site has overall been a life saver today.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 17:40

Those saying that the OP shouldnt meddle, get involved, mind her own business etc....the mother MADE it the OPs business by using her as cover!

All it would have taken is the OP telling her Dad "oh no, mum didnt come to swimming, she said that something came up at home, is everything ok?" for it all to come out. As it was, it didnt happen like that, but the second you use someone else in your lies you involve them, whether you like it or not.

The OP could easily be seen as knowing about this if her Dad had found out that she was being used as an excuse, which could have destroyed their relationship.

So yes it is the OPs business. If the mother didnt want her DD involved then she shouldnt have involved her DD.

StartWhereYouStand · 12/09/2015 17:49

OP what a horrible situation.

Just wanted to say not to make any big decisions yet, but be wary of keeping someone else's secret especially one that has sign huge emotional ramifications for you and your family.

My DBro was in your situation several years ago (found out our DF was having an affair). He kept the secret to protect our DM but it really changed our entire family. DB told his wife but not me, so they and their kids just pretty much stopped doing any extended family stuff and I thought they were just being rude. Eventually about 10 yrs later the secret got out and all hell broke loose. My DM forgave DF but it nearly broke her (though bizarrely they seem a better couple now) but my relationship with DF isn't great and I know DB and wife don't respect my DF and this impacts on their relationship with DM too.

I can't forgive DF for being so selfish and for allowing my poor DB to carry the secret around. I think it had a really big impact on DB mentally.

So in short I think the truth will out and it is best to face things head on. I wish my DM had been told the truth and sorted it out. My parents' marriage is not my business but allowing a child to shoulder the burden of this kind of secret is not what a caring parent would do IMHO.

Anyway whatever you do, just do what feels right for you (try to ignore what your DM is asking/telling you to do and think about what YOU can to live with) and please understand that none of this is your fault.

Sorry to have rambled on!

Stillyummy · 12/09/2015 17:51

I'm thinkin this has gone quite well, or as well as it could op. your mums lover has stopped texting (good) and is scared (good). your mum will not be able to use you as a cover story (good).

MissMarpleCat · 12/09/2015 17:54

Op, what a dreadful position to be in. I'm shocked your mum is blaming you for, possibly, ending her affair Flowers

LittleMissIntrovert · 12/09/2015 17:56

Don't have any useful advice, and it's easy to say what we would do, but it's different when you are in the situation.

It must be hard to find out your own mother is having an affair Sad Flowers

Bluetrews25 · 12/09/2015 17:57

Ouch Happy
What an awful situation to be in. Unfortunately, you can't un-ring the bell.
I think the holiday might be best swerved?
Glad DH is being supportive.
I agree with everything MrsGently has said.
Flowers Cake if only we had Chocolate

BrendaandEddie · 12/09/2015 17:59

i had this once with MIL

AFAIK it is still going on.
I never said anything