Shit, I text my Mums lover.

[HappyBeet86]

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP I'd really text back what a pp suggested, 'don't you dare ever take the moral high ground with me ever again'

I can only imagine how I'd feel in your DDads situation I'd be utterly devastated.

Your mothers texts are classic cheating partner responses, I haven't loved him in years etc. yes it's all on your dad.
Hope OM changes his number and breaks it off completely.

Clearly your mother has plenty of time to leave your Dfather if she 'hasn't loved him in years'

I'm not saying the mum is doing the right thing, btw, more that trying to intervene in your parents marital problems is likely to just make things much more messy for everyone.

I think the OP is being naive and precious
these things happen all the time, leave people alone to sort themselves out

No, absolutely no guilt at all.

I'm just struggling with it all. This is my mum, how can she be such a drastically different person to who I thought she was? We've always been very close.

I'm looking at dd and trying to imagine the roles reversed. I just can't.

I've been thinking about the holiday. My dad is really looking forward to it, he dotes on dd and has been talking about this holiday for months. There are quite a few family members so I hope there will be few awkward moments with mum.

God I wish I could have a glass of wine!

Blimey, it's shock on top of shock! Her hostility and blame directed at you. You poor love.

You must feel a great injustice.

Yes you need to keep talking.

I don't understand how your view of my choice of words lends weight to your argument WhatamessIgotinto?

It doesn't. There is no 'argument' either.

Our opinions are poles apart, that's all. I would never 'turn a blind eye' to someone treating my dad (or my mum for that matter) like this, no matter who it was. You obviously would, that's up to you. My family means everything to me.

And your opinion of my user name doesn't matter at all.

Text her back "Be sure your sins will find you out

why hold back
call 999
put her in the stocks
organise a lynch mob

Op, you are in a horrible situation, and I sympathise.

However, everyone in this situation is a grown up.

I think you are right to insist that she never ever uses you or your family as a 'cover', you cannot help any change in feeling towards her - loss of respect etc.

Only you can know whether you love her unconditionally. As it is possible to do, even when someone has done something horrible.

I would step back.

Tell her whatever you like - that you love and care for your dad and you will not be telling hm. That her life is her own and not yours to interfere in, but you cannot help but have feelings about what she has done / is doing. But that it is her life, you will always be loyal to your Dad, etc, and then step back.

You didn't want to be in this situation,, it isn't your marriage or your life. You cannot demand she stops seeing this man, you can't control her actions, her feelings or her conscience.

Good luck.

Right now, for my own sake rather than anything else, I'm not contacting her.

My emotional responses to these texts has actually made my chest hurt.

Tomorrow definitely I will contact her.

HappyBeet86

Oh sweetheart . Do not feel upset about making your mum angry - I know it's a difficult time for you all it seems, but it was her choice to cross that line and she really is just projecting guilt on to you. It must seem we're all silly-squabbling on here, but if you take anything from this, it's not your fault. It's not your fault she cheated, that you found out about it, or the fact he's now not talking to her. If this other bloke gave a toss, he wouldn't have ran a mile after you texted him. Your husband is right - do not answer her. Let her stew in the mess she has made. You take care of yourself, or let your partner do it (he sounds lovely by the way, and supportive which is exactly what you need right now). Do not reply to her, and if you do, keep it short, keep reminding her that she's the one that's been caught out, and her excuses mean nothing to you. She is in no position to berate you - she has to understand her actions have quite probably changed your relationship forever. She has to accept her wrong doing and the fallout to her actions, she can keep her lame excuses to herself in the meantime.

Just as I suspected, she's been like this for years, hence expecting everyone to be super moral. Her trying to guilt trip you is disgusting. Hope your DP can help you see a way forward :(

I don't see the point in marriage personally, many people who get married seem to view it as a cast iron guarantee of a lifelong relationship, when in reality it's just paper - if your relationship lasts, it lasts, married or not. Anyway, my views on marriage are irrelevant here.

I expect most of you still have living parents/other relatives in reasonable health, so the idea of someone being incapable in the long term, ie for the rest of their lives, decades sometimes, of a sexual or intimate relationship seems very remote. I've seen it (through my family) from the other side.

The OP's dad might not be as ill as my family members. But he might have decided due to age, illness, whatever, that sex isn't for him, and is happy to turn a blind eye. If OP's mum is his carer, or knows that (if he has a degenerative condition) he is or will be increasingly reliant on her, she may feel unwilling or unable to leave, but also be struggling with a lack of intimacy or sex.

Equally she might just be rather selfish.

In fact, the only two people who do know, and really the only two people whose business this is, are the OP's parents. Had the OP not meddled, she would not now be in this horribly awkward position.

Probably it is best to give things a day or two to calm down. Don't do anything until you have had a proper talk (not necessarily the details, more whether you will go on hols with her etc)

I'm shocked that all she cares about is the OM but not whether DF finds out, whether you are furious/ashamed/angry with her, whether she has broken OM's marriage - She must be pretty besotted by him.

But not impressive she was creeping round when the DW was out.

But you don't know all the details. Perhaps he is an old flame who she has suddenly met up with again.

Thank you MrsGently you and other pp have been very kind.

I think that's what hurts the most, that she is still taking the moral high ground. And the fact I can't reconcile the woman I knew with these sweaty ranting texts.

I feel bad about what I did but don't feel quite so unreasonable now thanks to you all. Just human.

I agree with every word of what Blu and MrsGently said.

Remember, your mother has made a choice, and she needs to deal with the consequences of that choice. It isn't your situation. She needs to come to terms with the fact that you now know about it.

I would say the only two elements in this that you can control are:
Are you going to tell your dad? (I would say please don't, as I don't think it's your place to, but DO be there for him if he ever discovers this)
and
Being used as a "mask" for your mother, which you have every right to refuse to do.

Deep breaths. (it's soooo not too early!)

I am so sorry HappyBeet this must be so hard for you. It sounds like you have good support from your DH. I agree re not replying at the moment, your head must be all over the place. Take care .

OP may even know the OM. I suspect she may be thinking about her mother's friends and wondering. This is a terrible shock for you OP and I feel so sorry for you and for your father.

Sounds like your mum's fantasy of Love's Young Dream is evaporating with MM cutting contact. Good. Maybe she will see some sense in time. "Can't help who I love is BOLLEAUX.

Scoobydoo8 I think she is worried about Dad finding out.

I've had a lot along the lines of I'll kill him if I tell him, she loves him but isn't 'in' love with him, he doesn't deserve to be upset like that when he's ill etc.

As I said quite a few rants. I haven't spoken to her but she seems to be taking my silence as some sort of threat. I just want some space away from her right now.

Had the OP not meddled, she would not now be in this horribly awkward position

exactament!

and now she's turned it into an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show
awful :(

Velvet, she accidentally saw a text that said "Hey sexy, I'm free now, wife's gone" or words to that effect - how is that meddling? My previous phone would scroll through entire text messages in the status bar so if someone was looking at my phone I couldn't conceal a text even if I wanted to!

Oh if I wasn't pregnant there would definitely be an slight overindulgence of going on!

Suzanne, peggy, et al, I hope you realise we know all think you're having affairs behind your husband's back now.

I'd the OP had accidentally seen a text from her cheating DP, would you still be aiming her of "meddling" and snooping?

Trust me I'm certainly not enjoying my life turning in to an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show!

Quite the opposite. If I could go back in time and stop myself thinking, 'Oh I'll take that down to her' I would!

It may be that dad knows. It may be that they no longer have sex. It may be that your mum feels trapped by his illness. (Although if she hasn't loved him for years it sounds a lot like keeping up.appearances and hanging on to pensions)

But she is shagging someone else's husband. Someone who has just nipped out and now her dp is shagging an OW in her house.

If she wants to have an extramarital it should be with someone single.

What has OMs DW ever done?

I be tempted to text back "dm your sordid affair is your problem but do not ever use me or your DGC as cover again. It must hurt that the man you love appears to have chosen his wife over you but that shows that this may not have been the romance you thought it was"