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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about DM giving identical gift to SIL's baby as my DD?

141 replies

moomin11 · 09/09/2015 10:46

Not sure if I've put that quite right but will explain!

DM gave me a lovely gift for my DD last month. DD is 10 months old and DM's first grandchild. I don't want to go into too much detail in case it outs me but the gift was very special as both me and my brother had one when we were born and it is from my mum's country - so kind of a tradition in our family. My DP's brother and his wife have recently had a baby boy, and we are so happy for them. They have been through a lot including a very difficult pregnancy, and we're all excited about our children being so close in age and having a cousin to grow up with.

So my DM gave me the gift at a joint family meal and it is beautiful. SIL, as well as everyone else, said how lovely it is etc. DM said the other day as SIL seemed to like it so much she will get one for her little boy. Which is lovely of her, but I have to admit I'm really put out! DM has only met SIL a few times and hasn't met her little boy yet. I know she likes SIL but I can't get my head around why she would give the same gift to her DS as her own granddaughter? It feels like it's taken the shine off the gift a bit.

So AIBU for feeling this way? I haven't said anything to her as I can't think of a way to without it coming across as childish!

OP posts:
Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 11:13

WankerDeAsalWipe - that's a lovely idea. I suspected I was BU (hence the thread). My mum and I are very close and our heritage means a lot as it was a big part of my childhood. But you're right, it's my mum's way of becoming part of my DP's family too which I've always encouraged.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/09/2015 11:14

There you are. How lucky you are to have such a giving mum. She sounds so nice.

diddl · 09/09/2015 11:18

I get where you are coming from.

You thought that this was something special that your mum would do for her GC as was done for you.

But your mum obviously doesn't feel that way & it has now become just a generic gift.

You can't help the way you feel, but I don't think that you can say anything.

Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 11:20

Thanks for your replies, particularly from people who explained why I'm BU (rather than just telling me to grow up) - much appreciated and the virtual slap I probably needed!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 09/09/2015 11:21

Did you stamp your feet too or maybe throw yourself on the floor in your inner tantrum you are being ridiculous your mum sounds a lovely woman

MaidOfStars · 09/09/2015 11:24

It's my mum's way of becoming part of my DP's family too which I've always encouraged

(And assuming your DO's welcome that)

Just look at how lovely that sentence is. It should make you feel snuggle and happy.

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/09/2015 11:24

A dignified acknowledgement of your petulance, op. Good show!

WankerDeAsalWipe · 09/09/2015 11:26

It's hard because how you feel is perfectly valid, it's about trying to change how you feel so that it doesn't cause upset and fester.

I think AIBU is more about actions rather than feelings.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2015 11:28

I understand you, OP, but I still think you're being a bit U.

Your mother's first grandchild, a gift that is to do with your culture and your own childhood, it's really meaningful for you.

But then she offers the same gift to a non family member with none of the same background, and it somehow detracts from the meaningfulness for you - but please, don't let it.

It's still an incredibly meaningful gift for you and your DD, and has tradition - your mum is just being nice to your DP's brother and his wife, and is pleased that the gift is so appreciated, even though none of the background meaningfulness is involved.

Rise above your feelings in this case - your mum is just being a nice person.

Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 11:29

Totally agree, thanks for your input Smile

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2015 11:30

When I say non-family member, I mean not blood related, of course they're still part of your extended family!

mellowheart · 09/09/2015 11:31

I can see where you're coming from. Your Dps brother is no relation at all to your mum so I would have thought some other gift more appropriate. It does come across as petty that it upsets you but I bet most on here would feel the same. She could have bought a lovely present but not the same as yours. Your mum sounds very kind though, I bet there's not many who would buy a gift for their son in laws brothers wife.

ohmyeyebettymartin · 09/09/2015 11:34

Your mum sounds lovely BTW.

I am the SIL in the same situation and my SIL's parents have always made a big fuss of my children. They even have photos of them up with the pics of their own DGCs! I think this is lovely and have always appreciated how much they care about their DGCs cousins, who are technically not related to the adults themselves. Clearly it doesn't mean that they care less for their own DGCs - just that they have enough affection to go around Smile

Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 11:40

That is lovely ohmyeyebettymartin, and it's helpful to hear it from that viewpoint.

OP posts:
Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 11:41

And yes I couldn't agree with you all more, I have a very lovely mum and I'm lucky to have her.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 09/09/2015 11:42

The parents of my SIL (DH's brother's wife) are lovely. We often see them at events for BILs family. So by default I do actually regard them as family every bit as much as DH's cousins or aunts and uncles who we see probably as frequently at family gatherings.

They have sent DS thoughtful birthday and Christmas presents as their Granddaughter's cousin. It makes family gatherings easier and more special as we feel part of their world and community.

Personally I think that family extends beyond Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Grandparents. You don't have to be blood to be family.

The fact that your mother shared a gift which is a family tradition is sharing not only a material object but also sharing your heritage which is way more important. And whilst its a gift to your partner's brother's child that's still sharing your heritage with your partner and making him and his family more part of your family and community in a way.

The success of the gift with your daughter is a joyous thing. That's about your daughter still, and I don't see how that takes away from her. Why don't you want to share that joy which is connected to your heritage with other people? Why must you protect it from 'outsiders'? This is what your attitude is suggesting - something about belonging and not belonging.

Instead look at it not as a material object but a statement of something far more important. Community, family and love that go beyond the boundaries of blood. Isn't that something really rather wonderful and something that your daughter can share with her cousin whether they are blood cousins or not.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2015 11:45

Well they are blood cousins, of course - their fathers are brothers.

Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 11:50

Thanks RedToothBrush. It's not about 'outsiders' or 'not belonging' in a cultural sense so please don't make it about that. I was bowled over by the gift as it was a complete surprise and I also had one as a baby from my grandparents who are no longer with us. The fact that it is from their country made it extra special as it was like a second home to me growing up. All of this makes it really special and I was just really taken aback that my DM wanted to do the same thing for someone who she is just starting to get to know. But I know she means well and it's a lovely gesture on her part.

OP posts:
slithytove · 09/09/2015 11:51

Actually yanbu, this child isn't a relation to your mum so I can see that it does lessen the specialness of the gift.

SoupDragon · 09/09/2015 11:52

I haven't said anything to her as I can't think of a way to without it coming across as childish!

There is a reason for that... :) I think you already knew it TBH.

It's just one of those irrational feelings that pop up every now and then. Most of the time we recognise that, whilst upsetting or annoying, they are completely irrational and silly.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2015 11:54

"
Today 11:24LaContessaDiPlump

A dignified acknowledgement of your petulance, op. Good show!"

That's not going to stop another 100 people coming on to tell her sibu!

Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 11:58

True. Although I did get 1 YANBU Wink

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 09/09/2015 11:59

Aww good on you for taking it on the chin moomin. Your mum sounds lovely and you obviously are too :)

Am I the only person who's dying to know what the special gift is? :o

Lucked · 09/09/2015 12:00

I think this is the meaning of extended family though. My mother is very attached to all my in-laws and view them as extended family. I think it is lovely for her to do this and that the cousins can have the same thing.

londonrach · 09/09/2015 12:02

Yabu. Are both children her grandchildren. She sounds a lovely honest lady giving the same gift to both children.