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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about DM giving identical gift to SIL's baby as my DD?

141 replies

moomin11 · 09/09/2015 10:46

Not sure if I've put that quite right but will explain!

DM gave me a lovely gift for my DD last month. DD is 10 months old and DM's first grandchild. I don't want to go into too much detail in case it outs me but the gift was very special as both me and my brother had one when we were born and it is from my mum's country - so kind of a tradition in our family. My DP's brother and his wife have recently had a baby boy, and we are so happy for them. They have been through a lot including a very difficult pregnancy, and we're all excited about our children being so close in age and having a cousin to grow up with.

So my DM gave me the gift at a joint family meal and it is beautiful. SIL, as well as everyone else, said how lovely it is etc. DM said the other day as SIL seemed to like it so much she will get one for her little boy. Which is lovely of her, but I have to admit I'm really put out! DM has only met SIL a few times and hasn't met her little boy yet. I know she likes SIL but I can't get my head around why she would give the same gift to her DS as her own granddaughter? It feels like it's taken the shine off the gift a bit.

So AIBU for feeling this way? I haven't said anything to her as I can't think of a way to without it coming across as childish!

OP posts:
CalonDu · 09/09/2015 10:54

YABU. Sorry.

Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 10:55

No not my brother's baby or my mum's step grandson, as I said in my OP it is my partner's brother's and SIL's baby.

No need to be sorry, I did ask!

OP posts:
RiverTam · 09/09/2015 10:57

Wow, some really nasty comments in here!

Yanbu to feel what you feel. You thought that this item was special to your family. I get that.

But your mum is being very lovely and sweet to your SIL. Maybe in her country this is something that is given to all babies, not just within the family.

You have your own DD, and a kind and generous DM as well. That's pretty good going Smile.

MajesticWhine · 09/09/2015 10:57

Don't say anything. It is not unreasonable to feel upset because feelings are what they are. But it would be unreasonable to say anything out loud, because you are, unfortunately, not making any sense.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2015 10:58

Ok I get it. So your mum giving something to your in laws.
I do get it but it sounds like she is just being lovely and generous.

Tiggeryoubastard · 09/09/2015 10:59

This can't be real. Nobody would be so petulant, surely.

bulletpoint · 09/09/2015 10:59

If I'm reading this correctly. SIL and your DP's brother have just had a baby, which makes baby your dc's cousin, your nephew by marriage with same grandparents.

If this is correct i think you are being utterly ridiculous, jealous and selfish to be upset at a grandmother giving both her new grandchildren the same gift. What does it matter wether she's met the new GC or not? Confused.

God help you at xmas!

blaeberry · 09/09/2015 11:00

As I understand it the DM is not related to the SIL or her DS - it is the DM son-in-law's brother's child. I can see why you are a put out and why a special tradition for her DGD feels a bit 'diluted' when extended to an unrelated (to her) child. However, this is just one object, the true gift will be the time and love she spends on her DGD.

WankerDeAsalWipe · 09/09/2015 11:01

I think YABU but I can appreciate what you are feeling.

You thought it was a special family thing just for you and your family and that made it all feel special.

Your mum is being generous and clearly includes your DPs family in her circle and maybe she just sees it as an overall tradition rather than something special just for you.

Kind of how people feel when they find a "unique" name and a close friend or relative uses it, you felt special but you don't anymore.

Maybe the way to approach it is to make it your thing to do as well, and treat the item as something to buy for the babies that appear in your life and then the special thing is that you are spreading and upholding a tradition rather than keeping it closed and unique to you?

quangotango · 09/09/2015 11:01

YABVVVVVU - seems perfectly reasonable and lovely that your mum wants to give the significant, personal gift with meaning from her country to both (and maybe all) her grandchildren. What a selfish attitude.

quangotango · 09/09/2015 11:02

oh hang on the boy isnt here gc? Maybe that is a bit odd. But I suspect is more about spreading the tradition no?

Original poster
moomin11 · 09/09/2015 11:04

Not my in laws...and no not DM's grandchild.

I had a feeling I was being precious and wouldn't dream of saying anything if DM did go ahead with the gift.

OP posts:
bulletpoint · 09/09/2015 11:04

xposted. So it is the OP's DM, and the new baby not related to DM at all. In that case its a bit strange. Maybe DM was trying to be nice but overdid it a bit. I think my nose would be put out of joint too.

Rather than let it fester, I would speak to DM about it to be honest.

Gottagetmoving · 09/09/2015 11:04

YABU, totally!
Resenting your DM making someone happy, is sad.
I would be pleased to have such a nice mother and be pleased for the new baby who received the gift.

SalemSaberhagen · 09/09/2015 11:04

I agree with your bullet, but to be fair to the OP this isn't her DM's GC.

SalemSaberhagen · 09/09/2015 11:05

Oh sorry X-post.

chrome100 · 09/09/2015 11:06

Ha ha. YABU.

pictish · 09/09/2015 11:06

Maybe your mum doesn't attach the same sentimentality to it being just a family thing, as you seem to? You say it's a tradition in her country, so to them it's just a run of the mill kindness to extend to babies.
You are trying to keep it as your exclusive domain. I understand why, but still think yabu. Sorry.

MaidOfStars · 09/09/2015 11:08

I'm with the majority, YABU. It's a lovely thing for your Mum to do.

Preminstreltension · 09/09/2015 11:08

I'm guessing also for your mum, this is a way of staying connected with her home country and her culture. Think of it as something she's done for your SIL but also she's done to make herself happy and reconnect herself with her own roots.

Obviously YABU re the gift but I think you know that now! The good news is, your mum is obviously warm and loving and that's wonderful for your DD.

HamaTime · 09/09/2015 11:09

YABU. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that. Your SIL said some nice things, and now your mother is doing a nice thing. If she was wrenching the gift from your baby's chubby fingers to hand over to the other baby then you may have a point but I'm not sure how it can take the shine off the gift you already have.

TwmSionCati · 09/09/2015 11:09
bulletpoint · 09/09/2015 11:10

That's actually a good point Pictish makes, it may be just common practice in DM country so she doesn't attach the sentimentality to it that OP does unfortunately.

WankerDeAsalWipe · 09/09/2015 11:11

We had a similar thing in that there was a particular hand made item that my Mum had made for one of my brothers (think it was for the eldest but they all wore it). Anyway it got given to my 3 eldest brother when he had a son for him to wear, next grandson born was to my eldest brother but as it was twin grandsons, they didn't ever need/want it, next children born were girls and in the intervening years my brothers wife asked my mum if she wanted the item back or was it okay to pass it on to someone she knew. My mum said that was fine.

I was much younger and didn't have children until later but after this my sister had two sons and then so did I and then the original brother's daughter went on to have sons too.

I still mourn the loss of the item from the family but couldn't really insist that my mum kept it as a: it was hers to do with as she wished and technically she'd already given it away - it was never suggested that the item was only borrowed. and b: I was a teenager at the time and couldn't predict that I may have had sons and would have liked to use it.

Anyway, I still feel disgruntled from time to time that this special item is now someone elses special item or maybe isn't even and they've just dumped it when it got too small :(

neepsandtatties · 09/09/2015 11:12

So it's a Grandmother giving a gift to her grandchild's cousin (on the unrelated side of the family).

I still think YABU; it's a lovely and kind thing to do

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