To think if you're a NRP and you don't pay half the child's costs you're unreasonable

[FluffyMcnuffy]

This is not a TAAT but why oh why do some people think it's fine to pay CSA minimum?

Surely the only fair way is for the NRP to pay half of what it costs to raise the child I.e. Half childcare fees, half uniforms/agreed clubs and a contribution towards housing/food if they have the child less than half the time.

AIBU to think that if they "can't afford it" then they should go without the bigger house/golf trips/ski weekends and pay for their child like the RP bloody well has to?

AIBU to judge men who don't do this when they are physically financially able?

XH pays ??27 a week for 7yo DD. he has never had her in the school holidays, 4th year running now.

Last year He moved 3 hours away, then reduced contact from fortnightly to three weekly, as he said he couldn't afford the trip so often. In March he had a baby. In June he dropped contact. Then he tried to restart, threatened to go for residency. I requested mediation, he's refused. He hasn't seen DD since June.

When he first left he paid ??60 a week, half swimming lessons and half school uniform. He has gradually reduced that until he's paying minimum CSA and nothing else. He's self employed and had a bad year last year. I will get it reassessed in the future.

He's a shit. But I'm the "unreasonable" one because I won't take DD to him. I refuse to make a four hour journey when he chose to move.

His money just about covers school dinners and her clubs. I have to pay for everything else and keep the roof over our heads. It's not fair.

His partner wants to look at the prize she has won and realise he will be doing the same to her and her child one day.

YANBU. The NRP should pay half but it doesn't happen in most cases.

Autocorrect again DH not she

I think that CSA minimum is often shitty and agree with the principle.

If earnings are very different a 50/50 split is never going to work though. What if RP earns 500k and NRP genuinely 15?

Bottlecap, you can't be serious. There is no way you spend ??75 a week each, on food, for a 9 and a 12 year old.

I'm not sure. I think a lot falls on the rp, they can't exactly chose to contribute a % of their income to the dc. It's not so easy to calculate half a room per month as to say it's ??300. The housing cost differentials in the UK astound me. And if the nrp has overnight access then they need the extra space too. On the whole I think YANBU. I would lose all respect for a parent who was not contributing 50%.

Changed why are you still with your dh? He sounds awful. What would he do if you got pregnant by a one night stand. I feel for you, but I think you are directing your anger against the wrong person.

YANBU. Nothing worse than a man who is a shit parent. I ditched my ex when he discovered he had a child from previous relationship, and did nothing about her. Last I heard he'd split with latest gf as they were planning on moving in together and he said he'd buy carpets for all rooms except her son's. Some people are just tossers.

Changed - I do feel for you, but I agree it's your 'D'H who you should be directing your ire at.
I can't help but feel skye represents the other side of the story somewhat.
Also, my personal opinion is what an utter shit he sounds, with you being pregnant and having PND and him shagging about. I'm sure you deserve better.

Ego- not all nrp have chosen to leave, some are left.

Also, cutting hours and changing work patterns is all well and good. But that leads to a cut in income, and less ability to financially contribute...

wand that is what used to piss me off. He would stand at the door pleading poverty with no maintenance yet dressed head to toe in timberlands, bench, etc. Got an Iphone but no money for petrol to see his girls. Priorities.

Yep, all good if that's what the RP wants too.

In our case ex wants the money, and would quite happily cut access if it meant she got more. She was the same when they were together though, made him do loads of overtime because she wanted the money, then complained he was never around.

I don't think it's fair though that even with true 50:50 there's still a "RP" who gets cb etc, and a non RP who pays the RP.

In many cases too, the RP gas to house the children and the nrp simply can't afford another house suitable for 50:50

I haven't read the whole thread. We pay the csa 'minimum' which in our case is ??670 a month.
We provide all.clothes etc for dss when he's with us and still.provide him with a bedroom etc when he's here 2 nights a week.

I think we are clearly subsidising his mother and it does irk.when she has 3 foreign holidays a year.

So the minimum is not always as paltry as it sounds

Who decides what 50% is anyway?

If one parent decides the child needs croquet and golf lessons, designer clothes, and hand knitted organic food, should those costs be split 50:50?

If one parent is a multi millionaire, shoul the other parent on 20k a year be expected to match their contributions?

Not read the whole thread, BUT:

1. The NRP provides a 2nd home for the children. They should not have to contribute towards the cost of buying or renting more than one property for the kids.

1. Do you take any account of the child benefit and tax credits the PWC receives on behalf of the children? If so, then half of the cost, that you feel should be bourne by each parent, is the balance after CB & CTC have paid out. If you disregard state benefits, and expect the NRP to pay half of the total costs, you must say the same of the PWC. In which case, you're just benefit bashing.

1. Some NRPs pay more than half the cost of a child (Imperialleather2 for one). Presumably you'd reduce what they have to pay. Otherwise you'd be applying double standards.

Changed That sounds like a bloody horrible situation to be in.

There are a few posts on here saying "the man gets to swan off" or "he left his wife not his kids". There are plenty of women who throw the husband out or leave with the dc or are having affairs. Not all men who end up as nrp chose to be. Not all nrp want to be weekend dad's but if the ex moves away and won't facilitate half the driving and still wants full whack maintenance it often means a choice between paying bills or paying petrol.

They still maintain a room(s) for the dc yet this isn't taken into consideration.

Imo far too many women see their children as either a meal ticket or some sort of commodity where they are rotting up how much they cost and demanding exactly half.

I chose to have my kids, I've brought them both up on my own, paid for everything on my own (except for that ??5 a week) and really don't expect or want any help from their dad.

I remember my sister moaning that her maintenance was being cut to ??700 a month for her son and saying that even with her wages and tax credits she couldn't cope and I just thought, what if he lost his job? Or died? How would you cope without relying on someone else? Because at one point ??700 was all I had for me and two kids every month!!

There are a lot of feminists on this forum but a lot of women who seemingly need to be handed money from their ex because they "should pay up" not because they need the money. Personally I've got a little more pride than to be constantly demanding money and I don't add up what they cost me either. They are my kids not a commodity.

my children are not a 'meal ticket'. I can well afford them myself. But that doesn't mean my ex shouldn't be making a fair contribution towards their upbringing. When you take that stance, coffee, you kind of make me feel like crap...and that isn't fair because I didn't have 3 children alone and I shouldn't be supporting them alone.

It's not just me then Fluffy thank goodness, thought I was a dying breed

NRP this end pays a fiver. Rang CSA to tell them he could no longer pay the minimum (which was 140 a month) because he was now on Statutory sick pay whilst out gallivanting on a rock climbing weekend in Scotland with his new (also unable to work due to physical illness) wife.

New and very expensive rock climbing gear, travelling all over Europe and lots of long weekends away in the UK are apparently affordable, yet his son (whom he has studiously ignored for the last 4 years) is expected to survive on a fiver.

He spends more on f-ing Starbucks and larging it up at the after climbing cafe in a week than he spends for his son in a month.

Grips my sh**

Err coffee so its 100 percent the mothers responsibility to provide for the kids? Fuck that. Do you even realise what you have just wrote. Why the fuck should fathers not split costs of children 50/50.
They made them too. Jeez I always see people banging on about fathers being equal parents. Not when it comes to providing eh coffee?
Thank god the government don't agree with you.

it is difficult, because it relies on the goodwill of both parties to play fair.

In general though, the NRP should pay the minimum and then try to ensure that the child has a similar standard of living in both houses. not necessarily lots of luxuries, but being able to afford the heating on, have clothes that are decent, not live in cramped conditions, have money for treats with both parents, school trips etc, terrible if nrp is having holidays and the child is going without the average amount of stuff.

Also not great if the rp is wanting extras, far and above the amount that the nrp is able to give his other children that are living with him.