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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you're a NRP and you don't pay half the child's costs you're unreasonable

201 replies

FluffyMcnuffy · 08/09/2015 21:42

This is not a TAAT but why oh why do some people think it's fine to pay CSA minimum?

Surely the only fair way is for the NRP to pay half of what it costs to raise the child I.e. Half childcare fees, half uniforms/agreed clubs and a contribution towards housing/food if they have the child less than half the time.

AIBU to think that if they "can't afford it" then they should go without the bigger house/golf trips/ski weekends and pay for their child like the RP bloody well has to?

AIBU to judge men who don't do this when they are physically financially able?

OP posts:
Oswin · 08/09/2015 22:10

Jesus changed. Shock. You for real?

abbieanders · 08/09/2015 22:11

Presumably the children contribute to running up the bills regardless of who owns the house?

Oswin · 08/09/2015 22:11

Yes coffee if the rp has the child most the time the nrp needs to chip on. It's not just about clothes.

NotSoDesperateHousewife · 08/09/2015 22:12

EX here pays less than the minimum because he has to drive 40 miles to pick him up and drop him off EOW. He moved away to be with new wife, we're where we/he used to live.

I can't be arsed to argue with this because if I do, I am unreasonable, he 'won't be able to afford' to see DS (not fair on DS) and he'd stop paying. He pays ??130 a month for an 8 year old, buys no uniform, no shoes, pays for no school trips.

But I am the bitch Hmm YANBU and it happens way too much.

Changedagain79 · 08/09/2015 22:13

Yes oswin

Obviously I can only give a few details but trust me this was not a decision taken lightly and obviously not the ideal outcome.

Egosumquisum · 08/09/2015 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bottlecap · 08/09/2015 22:14

Oh, changed. So you became involved with a man who's ex was pregnant and you're surprised that she didn't want you at the scan. What a terrific shock that must have been.

Why do people get involved in such complicated, tawdry relationships?

Fiddlerontheroof · 08/09/2015 22:14

My ex pays the CSA minimum, and laughed at me as it was calculated less than what he initially gave me, but I went to the CSA as his payments were so erratic that it at least now gives me a regular income that I know is coming in.

I also took him to court to try and force more contact. It didn't work because the law sadly isn't on the side of the parent that gets left all the responsibility. I cannot tell you how desperate I was to do that for my kids who desperately wanted more time with him. So he now sees them, as always, once a week....and only if it suits him, despite living less than 5 minutes away.

Changedagain79 cc Save her the hell of having to take him to court, sit down and make some reasonable arrangements for contact with compromise on both sides. I'm sick and tired of doing it all , and I guess she is if she's considering taking him to court to force more contact.

With regard to the OP. As I get minimum payments , I would expect ex h to split costs over unpredictable or stuff that isn't day to day...ie a school trip...he doesn't...and I think that's very unfair...so no, YANBU, he is financially able, but chooses not to.

Osolea · 08/09/2015 22:15

I mostly agree, but is don't think a NRP should have to pay half of their child's housing costs if they are also providing a home suitable for the child to stay in. They might only have them one or two nights a week, but that's not going to make the rent or mortgage cost any less, so both parents should be fully responsible for providing the child with a home.

CSA minimum is usually nowhere near enough ime, but then I also know of people recieving CSA minimum and they're getting a small fortune, especially when they get tax credits on top.

There are so many individual factors that should be considered, I don't think there's any possible way to make a fair rule for all.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 08/09/2015 22:15

Change - I'm confused.... Were you together with your DP when the woman got pregnant? I am struggling with working out why she had antenatal appointments when you were about? Thanks in advance for clarifying! It probably makes a difference in understanding attitudes.

Changedagain79 · 08/09/2015 22:17

No actually it wasn't like that. She was the OW. We already had Drs and I was of with out youngest at the same time she was pregnant. A very bad situation. I'd had hyperemesis and been very ill and didn't want do near me for a good few weeks........

It was a nightmare time that I really don't mention much (this is the first time I've really 'spoken' about it as none of our families even know except for my dm)

Changedagain79 · 08/09/2015 22:18

Autocorrect sorry should say we already had dcs and I was pg with our youngest

travertine · 08/09/2015 22:19

The nrp would probably have no input regarding housing choices and how money is spent, may also not be the reason for being a nrp. Possibly be worse off than the resident parent. In my situation as many I suspect the nrp lives the dream whilst the rp struggles.

NotSoDesperateHousewife · 08/09/2015 22:20

You should definitely LTB changed because you're married to a cunt.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 08/09/2015 22:21

Ahh. Thanks for the clarification. I can see how that must have been difficult, if your DH had an affair which resulted in a child.
This happened in my extended family when I was young - about 25 years ago. I think it's important not to penalise the child tho.
I'm afraid it does make me think that your DH isn't really taking responsibility for his affair, and the resulting child. Sad
I wouldn't want to be that child in 15 or 20 years time, knowing my dad didn't want to see me because of circumstance of my conception.

TheDrugsWorkABitTooWellThanks · 08/09/2015 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 08/09/2015 22:22

Ps. I think it's telling about how he feels about what he did and his responsibilities I'm afraid. How would he be with your DCs if you split up?

Bottlecap · 08/09/2015 22:22

My suggestion is that people get to really know someone (i.e. 5+ years) and get married before having children, avoid men who have children from previous relationships, and stick it out when things get irritating.

I don't even know what to say about Changed.

ouryve · 08/09/2015 22:22

It sounds like an horrible situation all round, changed but, out of all the parties involved, it's not your DH I'm feeling sorry.

fedupbutfine · 08/09/2015 22:22

All the NRPs I know pay what they should and are very involved in their children's lives

really? you know for a fact? My ex is the middle-class air of respectability, pillar of the community type. He would never admit to anyone that he doesn't support his children. He is very involved in their lives. Involvement in children's lives doesn't mean you give a shit whether they eat or not.

ouryve · 08/09/2015 22:26

And my 14yo DN's "father" left her mum for shags new about 12 years ago. He's only just started regularly paying up, including several years worth of arrears. He left his job to avoid the CSA and did exactlythe same to his next partner.

BackforGood · 08/09/2015 22:26

YABVU to think that it is that simple and straightforward.

Micah · 08/09/2015 22:27

DH can't afford more than the minimum.

And no, we haven't had a holiday abroad in 10 years. We have an interest only mortgage as we can't afford the capital. If we got a smaller house the Dsc wouldn't be able to stay over. Oh, and it's my house, if I hadn't have had a place DH would still be living with his mum and wouldn't see his kids half as much. He doesn't earn enough for a mortgage.

We cut, we go without, just to pay what we do. Car has just been downgraded and is on an interest free loan.

Also, it wasn't DH's choice to leave. She asked him to stay at his mums for a weekend, changed the locks and moved the man she was having an affair with in the night he left. She kept the house, so is a mortgage free, kept the people carrier, kept their savings (10K). Dh left with his overnight bag and she gave him nothing, which is why he struggles now. OM pays all her bills.

YABU. There are NRP out there who do everything they can, but it still isn't enough. She should have thought about how she'd manage before shagging someone else.

Fiddlerontheroof · 08/09/2015 22:27

My suggestion is that people get to really know someone (i.e. 5+ years) and get married before having children, avoid men who have children from previous relationships, and stick it out when things get irritating

sadly, some of us did all that...but his 5 year affair after twenty years together, and subsequent wedding to OW, and general all round terrible behaviour rendered it impossible to put up with it being irritating! Wink lol xx

Changedagain79 · 08/09/2015 22:28

No idea hoping it won't happen tbh

We did make an effort initially but the fact he couldn't be at the birth caused huge huge problems and resentment.

Contact was attempted (briefly) at first but she never wanted to come to us (said she couldn't leave baby as bf so she had to stay during contact and wanted dh to go alone to her . Many many incident of emergencies where we went to her and nothing was wrong and then she would call back begging just dh to come to help her.

Moving away made things worse as she wanted us to do all the driving it was tried once but when dh got there she said she didn't think the car seat was safe as that she could stay with them for the weekend instead of bringing him back to us. So many things and we just decided we couldn't do it. I had post natal depression and it was an awful situation

Now we are being threatened with court for she to have contact?