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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you're a NRP and you don't pay half the child's costs you're unreasonable

201 replies

FluffyMcnuffy · 08/09/2015 21:42

This is not a TAAT but why oh why do some people think it's fine to pay CSA minimum?

Surely the only fair way is for the NRP to pay half of what it costs to raise the child I.e. Half childcare fees, half uniforms/agreed clubs and a contribution towards housing/food if they have the child less than half the time.

AIBU to think that if they "can't afford it" then they should go without the bigger house/golf trips/ski weekends and pay for their child like the RP bloody well has to?

AIBU to judge men who don't do this when they are physically financially able?

OP posts:
abbieanders · 08/09/2015 21:44

Absolutely. Paying the minimum is shameful. If you have children, you have to provide adequate support.

Original poster
FluffyMcnuffy · 08/09/2015 21:47

I just see so often on mumsnet "DP pays the CSA amount" plus trips out when they are with us. Honestly I'd be seriously unimpressed if I was with someone who only payed CSA rates for their child.

OP posts:
Bottlecap · 08/09/2015 21:50

Yes. It might help if they were subjected to unbearable social scorn, i.e. other women refused to date them.

AgentProvocateur · 08/09/2015 21:50

I agree that paying the minimum CSA is shameful, and I'm constantly amazed at the lack of stigma attached to the bastards that pay nothing. I'd name and shame them in their community if I was queen for a day.

Egosumquisum · 08/09/2015 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoMoreRenting · 08/09/2015 21:53

But I don't know who all these people are because I've never met one in real life. All the NRPs I know pay what they should and are very involved in their children's lives.

HermioneWeasley · 08/09/2015 21:55

It's bizarre - as someone on here pointed out, if the RP fails to provide for the child, they get prosecuted for neglect, but the NRP (usually the dad) swans off and often pays sweet FA or CSA minimum which doesn't cover the costs of providing a home, utilities, clothes, food etc.

It ought to be shameful

abbieanders · 08/09/2015 21:55

It's pretty desperate when it comes to arguing that your kids should eat cheap food to save a few bob if you can afford better.

Changedagain79 · 08/09/2015 21:56

Dh pays 'csa amount' which I think is enough. His ds's dm is now threatening court to force him to have contact (can she even do that????)

Babyroobs · 08/09/2015 21:56

Yes they should pay more if they can afford to. I never understand why the state pays to support kids in low income households ( through tax credits))when the nrp can clearly pay but chooses not to or pays the minimum. Surely there must be a way to take money directly from their wages? I suppose there will always be those who evade it by job hopping or working cash in hand, but the majority could be forced to pay more.

CassieBearRawr · 08/09/2015 21:57

YANBU but people are dicks and will behave this way forever because there's no shame/stigma/consequence for doing so.

Bottlecap · 08/09/2015 21:57

Should they have a say in that cost? What if the RP chooses to live in a house with an expensive mortgage? Eat expensive food? Then what? If the RP has a good job that pays well, should the NRP pay a fair share of the mortgage costs and the food? How do you define a fair share?

I doubt this happens overnight. Divorced people who live in 'expensive' houses and eat 'expensive' food probably did the same when they were married.

coffeeisnectar · 08/09/2015 21:58

Yabu. Not every nrp has the money to pay more than minimum. My dp hasn't worked for nearly two years after an accident, we survive on benefits and can't afford to have dsd here much as we don't have the money for petrol to do the trip there and back twice in one weekend.

His ex left him with their child. She has moved away from the area with the child and moved in with her partner. She picks and chooses when he can see his dd.

We have just lost our house and are moving to rented accommodation which is going to cost ??700 a month more than the mortgage. We can't afford it but with my dd doing A levels we have no choice but to stay here.

Not all nrp are playing golf, going on holidays or driving fancy cars.

Fwiw I get ??5 a week for my youngest, nothing for my oldest and we pay out more for dsd than I get for both mine.

Babyroobs · 08/09/2015 21:59

No more renting - that is exactly my experience too. I know a lot of lone parents and in almost every case the nrp pays good amounts, have the kids a lot of the time , take them on holidays and are generally very involved in their kids lives.

Bottlecap · 08/09/2015 21:59

Dh pays 'csa amount' which I think is enough. His ds's dm is now threatening court to force him to have contact (can she even do that????)

He sounds like such a catch.

HedgehogAtHome · 08/09/2015 21:59

'His ds's dm is now threatening court to force him to have contact (can she even do that????)'

How awful that she has to do that. Poor kid. Hope you never have a child with him. Bare minimum financially and needs a court order to see the poor child.

I don't think I could let a man like that into my bed.

Egosumquisum · 08/09/2015 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FluffyMcnuffy · 08/09/2015 22:01

Well objectively speaking, unless the child has special dietary requirements, I'd say 100 a month (plus school dinners) is probably a reasonable food cost, so NRP should pay the relevant portion of this.

Obviously housing will vary, but I'd guess that the average cost of an extra bedroom is 300 a month ish? So this should be split as well.

Then say ??100 for clothing/sundry.

Assuming that's based on a NRP who has the child EOweekend, that's ??250 before you've started on childcare, which can easily be upwards of ??1k.

OP posts:
ouryve · 08/09/2015 22:01

Are you seriously happy being with a DH who doesn't want contact with his own children, changed?

noisytoys · 08/09/2015 22:02

So Change your 'D'H pays the bare minimum and won't see his son unless he is forced to by the court? What a catch!

Ijustworemytrenchcoat · 08/09/2015 22:06

YABU, it depends on the man's income whether or not he can afford to pay above the minimum. My ex is a great dad and very involved in our son's life, but I know paying more would be impossible for him. I know his wages and his outgoings so I know he struggles.

Its like comparing apples to oranges: 10% of ??50,000 would still give the NRP a lot more to live on than 10% of ??20,000.

Changedagain79 · 08/09/2015 22:07

He tried initially but it was problem after problem. She wanted him at every ante natal appt and scan, we said fine but we will both go which caused ww3 as apparently it was "a special time" just for her and dh

She requested he be at the birth and when he said he couldn't she went ballistic. It was absolute hell. He tried to arrange contact but it didn't suit her and then she moved away (3.5hr drive) but wanted dh to drive every Friday night to collect and to drop off again on a sun evening and wouldn't meet us half way with anything

Lots of other incidents too many to list here but in the end we decided it was better for everyone to just pay what we had to and leave things. We have dcs and it was not fair on them or me as she was constantly trying to pull dh away. Lots of 'emergencies' too that never were it was very complicated and not a decision taken lightly

Babyroobs · 08/09/2015 22:07

Many rp's will be getting a large portion of childcare paid for by tax credits though surely if they are on a low income, so should the nrp just pay half the difference?

coffeeisnectar · 08/09/2015 22:09

So my dps ex lives in her partners house but you think my dp should contribute to their household bills? Really??

Bottlecap · 08/09/2015 22:09

Well objectively speaking, unless the child has special dietary requirements, I'd say 100 a month (plus school dinners) is probably a reasonable food cost, so NRP should pay the relevant portion of this.

25/week for a growing child is pretty paltry. I'd say I spend something more like 75/week each for my 9 and 12 year old.