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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to help a friend in need?

141 replies

AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 20:21

So a friend told me she's selling her mother's flat in another country and coming to live in UK because as she said she's struggling there and she considers UK the land of opportunity so she knows she ll do well here
This woman has never worked in her life (she's in her 50s) always been supported by relatives parents etc
She has an incredibly bad credit record, she had to sell a property she was given by relatives to pay off credit cards
I've asked her what's her plans were, what will she do when money from the sale runs out, she had no plans, only said she ll try to get a job (she has no experience no qualifications, never the desire to work), but hang up the phone swiftly as she felt I was questioning her
When I told DH he immediately said to stay away, if she ends up coming here she ll end up homeless and camp outside our door
I laughed it off , but got a call yesterday from her that she's here with her elderly mum stating in a hotel looking for accommodation (she sold her flat already)
I was really shocked but said was looking forward to see her as haven't met up in over 10 years
A few mins later as I was listening to voicemail I picked up one from 2 days ago that I has obviously missed, and her saying that she arrived but because of problems with her account she has nowhere and needs to stay with me!! Have to say I was shocked, didn't expect Dh to be right so soon and really happy i missed that message as I wouldn't have been able to accommodate her and would have been awkward
Today she texted me that she needed cash as again another problem with account!
I told her I have no cash as everything allocated to shopping nursery fees etc but she txt back that she wanted me to call her back to talk further . I haven't called yet, I'm a bit upset that she's in uk for two days , I haven't even seen her for years and asking stuff from me. I have two small children, lots of bills, trying to get by every month, I'm in no position to help someone who without any plans decided to move to another country with her mum

So Dh told me to totally make clear I can't help, other friends told me to be extra careful as she ll get desperate and will come outside my house asking for accommodation
I can't help money wise but not sure what I can do to help her! Her suggestion was for me to do my shopping in her credit card (not UK one) and I can give her cash!
Told Dh that as I was considering this option, but he told me not to use someone else's card online
So what would you do? Would you accommodate if she ends up homeless? Would you use her card for groceries and give her cash? Would you cut all ties,
And above all AIBU to be fucking pissed off with someone who decided to leave their own country and house and relocate with a handful of cash no job and no plan?

OP posts:
londonrach · 08/09/2015 20:26

Yanbu. Keep a distance!

Roseformeplease · 08/09/2015 20:27

I would be very, very careful. Have no financial involvement. Also, meet away from your home, just in case she arrives with her luggage.

Stay well out of it. Her choice. Her problem.

TenForward82 · 08/09/2015 20:28

You haven't seen her for 10 years, she clearly spends all her time sponging off other people and expecting others to sort her life out for her. Avoid.

RachelZoe · 08/09/2015 20:28

None of it,don't do a single thing, there are a zillion red flags here. She sound chaotic, deluded and entitled. DO NOT use her card, any money you lend her you most likely won't get back and certainly don't have her to stay, she sounds like the kind of person you'll never get rid of. If shes been living like that her whole life, she will be used to taking advantage of people, don't let her take advantage of you too. None of this is your problem, she turned up here without a plan or resources, she needs to face the consequences of that.

Sorry you're in this position, sounds very difficult Flowers

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 08/09/2015 20:30

Be helpful in other ways.

Find out where there is a shelter she can go to.
Local foodbank.

Job centre to sign on for money and jobs.

All helpful, but now you have to go and sort dcs...

NannyOggsHedgehogs · 08/09/2015 20:30

That's not a friend.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 08/09/2015 20:31

AVOID AVOID AVOID. She's not a friend in need it's a situation entirely of her own making.

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 20:33

Which country is she coming from? Will she not have a return ticket? Were she and her mum living in the same flat? If so why the hell did her mum agree to sell it?

Scobberlotcher · 08/09/2015 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 08/09/2015 20:35

She's not a friend, she's a chancer.

If she turns up on your doorstep, you need to be ready to say no and as suggested above, give her the details of a food bank. I personally wouldn't let her in. But that's because I have encountered this sort of taker before.

Scobberlotcher · 08/09/2015 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charis1 · 08/09/2015 20:38

dont answer her messages or take her calls, she is not your friend

coffeeisnectar · 08/09/2015 20:45

Where is she from?

She needs to find a job and stand on her own two feet. Do not give her anything as she sounds the type to just take and take.

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 20:48

I think you should pass all communications onto your husband. Get him to answer the phone each time and tell your friend that you've gone out. Don't answer your mobile. I don't know what she thought would happen, but you can't possibly bankroll her for the rest of her life.

Charis1 · 08/09/2015 20:49

I agree, he is not emotionally involved, and is less open to emotional blackmail.

TenForward82 · 08/09/2015 20:49

Why should this be her DH's problem? OP needs to stand up for herself and be firm!

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 20:52

It's not his problem, though it would be if she came to stay, but it's much easier to fend someone off if you don't know them.

ConcernedFriend15 · 08/09/2015 20:54

I would avoid her....sounds like she's just looking for someone to try and take advantage off.. Who moves countries with their elderly mother knowing they won't be able to provide for themselves Hmm

ijustwannadance · 08/09/2015 21:02

If she has a credit card she can get cash out of cash machine or just use it to pay for what she needs.

Tell her firmly that you cannot help her with money or housing.

BMW6 · 08/09/2015 21:03

Your responsibilities are to your DC and DH - NOT an immature and irresponsible chancer that you haven't seen for 10 years....

TBH she sounds like a con artist - very good at manipulation, no moral centre, zero conscience.

For your family's sake, don't fall for it.

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 21:10

Ok everything you said is EXACTLY what Dh said! That she will be sponging off, if I start these dealings with her she will do it again, that she will come and beg for me to let her in, not to tell her where I live and so on! Yes he does have a saying on who stays in of course, so I wouldn't so anything without him agreeing
I'm not going to lie my heart is breaking knowing that her 80yo mum will be on the streets but not sure what the hell to do if she actually does turn up!
But I don't want someone who I haven't seen for 10 years to stay in for even 1 night as I don't know what her and her mothers mental health is and what this might mean for my family (don't want to say too much but something happened to me by someone in my house when I was a child so I'm very protective over DCs)

Also yes she did convince her mother to come to uk not sure how but DH assumes she told her DM that I am their back up plan

I can't really say which country but let's say it's a European country that doesn't do financially well at the moment

Thank you so much for the suggestions on the job centre and food bank I had no idea

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 08/09/2015 21:15

I cannot help financially. I am organised to the pound and our house and finances are a finely balanced machine. Can't mess things up by introducing uncertainty. Please can you not put me in this position, I'd help if I could bit I really can't at the moment, I need to keep myself right so I can buy what the DC need.

(I trust you don't have a spare room either? Otherwise it might get difficult).

ThomasRichard · 08/09/2015 21:15

No. No way. If you give an inch she will take a mile.

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 21:23

I do have a spare room but that's not the reason I can't accommodate her, it's mainly cause I'm scared she will never leave and also cause it doesn't feel right with DCs in the house

I did text her that I have absolutely no money and she said I could use her card for stuff and I give her cash instead but another PP said same as Dh not to use her card!! So this is out of question now!

OP posts:
noiwontstoptalking · 08/09/2015 21:32

Bit your circus not your monkeys.

If her credit card works she can get on a plane a return to her home country.

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