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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to help a friend in need?

141 replies

AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 20:21

So a friend told me she's selling her mother's flat in another country and coming to live in UK because as she said she's struggling there and she considers UK the land of opportunity so she knows she ll do well here
This woman has never worked in her life (she's in her 50s) always been supported by relatives parents etc
She has an incredibly bad credit record, she had to sell a property she was given by relatives to pay off credit cards
I've asked her what's her plans were, what will she do when money from the sale runs out, she had no plans, only said she ll try to get a job (she has no experience no qualifications, never the desire to work), but hang up the phone swiftly as she felt I was questioning her
When I told DH he immediately said to stay away, if she ends up coming here she ll end up homeless and camp outside our door
I laughed it off , but got a call yesterday from her that she's here with her elderly mum stating in a hotel looking for accommodation (she sold her flat already)
I was really shocked but said was looking forward to see her as haven't met up in over 10 years
A few mins later as I was listening to voicemail I picked up one from 2 days ago that I has obviously missed, and her saying that she arrived but because of problems with her account she has nowhere and needs to stay with me!! Have to say I was shocked, didn't expect Dh to be right so soon and really happy i missed that message as I wouldn't have been able to accommodate her and would have been awkward
Today she texted me that she needed cash as again another problem with account!
I told her I have no cash as everything allocated to shopping nursery fees etc but she txt back that she wanted me to call her back to talk further . I haven't called yet, I'm a bit upset that she's in uk for two days , I haven't even seen her for years and asking stuff from me. I have two small children, lots of bills, trying to get by every month, I'm in no position to help someone who without any plans decided to move to another country with her mum

So Dh told me to totally make clear I can't help, other friends told me to be extra careful as she ll get desperate and will come outside my house asking for accommodation
I can't help money wise but not sure what I can do to help her! Her suggestion was for me to do my shopping in her credit card (not UK one) and I can give her cash!
Told Dh that as I was considering this option, but he told me not to use someone else's card online
So what would you do? Would you accommodate if she ends up homeless? Would you use her card for groceries and give her cash? Would you cut all ties,
And above all AIBU to be fucking pissed off with someone who decided to leave their own country and house and relocate with a handful of cash no job and no plan?

OP posts:
backtowork2015 · 09/09/2015 22:30

I second that. Block the calls

grapejuicerocks · 09/09/2015 22:49

??250 a night, knowing she can't access money. Wow

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 09/09/2015 22:56

How did she get phone numbers of your family members

We knew each other quite well yes she knew my relatives at the time and she actually kept in contact with some of them over the years

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 09/09/2015 22:59

YANBU. You don't have room.

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 09/09/2015 22:59

Have you been taken advantage of by friends before-you seem to be showing a strange reluctance to just cut contact with this person who just isn't close to you

Not actually, however tbh I have a bad feeling about the outcome of this one. Something tells me she lost it, her actions are just not normal and I fear if she gets cornered she ll do something bad
Just FYI I called the relative I was talking about and he said that my mates card was rejected at the hotel so she asked for him I cover it
She put herself in a bad situation and she won't get out of it and I just have a bad feeling about it all

OP posts:
Secondtimeround75 · 09/09/2015 23:05

It is a bad situation about to get worse. Keep your family well away op.

I know your heart is in the right place but it's a misplaced loyalty.
Ye are not close & she is never going to be a friend to you.

You are not a bad person if you block her .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2015 23:11

And this "rejected card" is the one she wanted you to use for shopping, after giving her the equivalent money in cash? How nice Hmm

Two things occur to me: first that if she has relatives' numbers, sooner or later she'll almost certainly get your address out of one of them, so you might want to consider what you'll do if/when she turns up

Secondly, yes she could well do "something bad" in future - but didn't you say you have children as well as your OH? Maybe it's worth considering whether you want them involved in this mess too, or whether you'd rather protect them from that?

wowfudge · 09/09/2015 23:14

Do you have other, true friends in your life OP? Your posts read as though you really want to help, to feel useful perhsps? But you do recognise it's actually a bad idea.

I'm sure your friends will help you resist and ignore this person. Stop answering the phone to her - screen all your calls until she stops trying to contact you. Check the privacy settings on your FB account and any other social media you use to protect yourself.

Witchend · 09/09/2015 23:21

If you do decide to meet her go with minimal.money in cash and no way of getting more or you'll feel guilty and end up paying for too much.
Then if she turns to you and says "can you pay for my diamond encrusted coffer cup" you can say you've only brought a fiver so can just about get your own.

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 10/09/2015 05:18

puzzle yes it could be the same card, God knows with her! Tbf I would only give cash only if the card transaction was successful

Do you have other, true friends in your life OP? Your posts read as though you really want to help, to feel useful perhsps? not sure what to reply to this! Do you think reading my posts that I have no life and I'm in desperate need of someone to need me? Of that I m fucking feeling sorry for an 80yo woman to be on the streets irrespective of whether she's currently a close friend or not . I can't be the only one, I'm pretty sure there are people out there who wouldn't just say 'fuck them' . Of course I'm not going to open my home and my bank account to them but the concern is there and I do want to see how best to help them without exposing myself hence this thread

Just an FYI of course you all make sense, and decided won't be picking up the phone! However I do wonder how I should direct her to info around shelter, food banks etc
So I think if she calls and specifically leaves messages about being homeless then I ll speak to her re what she needs to do
Again thank you!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 10/09/2015 05:36

By the way she said today she's looking for a babysitting/nanny job without any work experience! I pray to God for the idiots, if any people who take her in and I bet anything you want she ll ask me reference for that!

OP posts:
toastyarmadillo · 10/09/2015 05:44

Definately phone anyone she might try to con get in touch with and warn them. Then keep this user at arms length!

Cabrinha · 10/09/2015 07:06

This woman is 50 years old.
Don't you realise that she's a professional con artist?
I'd bet she has money. But she's not going to spend it whilst she can leech off other people.
Seriously - you don't get to 50 and suddenly become unable to cope, and move to another country without any money, and stay in ??250 a night hotels.
She knows exactly what she's doing.
Bear that in mind if you start to feel sorry for her, or her mother.

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2015 07:06

I don't really get why you don't just block her calls.

She is going to rack up nearly ??2000 a week if she stays in that hotel. It's not going to her out of pocket by the looks of it as she doesn't have any money.

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 10/09/2015 07:23

So not even give the advice from other PPs re foodbanks job centre etc?

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 10/09/2015 07:42

OP I completely understand why your worried about her mother,she's 80 years old in a country she doesn't know(I presume)with a daughter who doesn't seem to have a clue about how she's going to support her.

Do you have the address for where she's staying?If so could you get the info for her and drop it off there?

With her mother I'd give age concern a ring and explain the situation that the mother has now been put into.

DinosaursRoar · 10/09/2015 07:42

no, because she won't use them - she clearly thinks shes above that or she would have accessed the benefit system in her home country. She's come to England for a better option, 'easy work', people who'll help her out, a better standard of living.

It also be opening a conversation, but more importantly, put you in the position of the person who's helping find a solution to her problems of her own making , it is not your job to find solutions to her problems. And anyway, the only solution that seems like she'll accept is free money from you or someone else, or free housing from you or someone else. There will be "reasons" why she can't access them, and you'll be pulled into solution finding.

Keep right out of it. She's not a friend, she's someone you used to know. Tell your family to be careful and to not give out your address. (or a fake one if they find saying 'no' hard).

KinkyAfro · 10/09/2015 08:06

I do wonder how I should direct her to info about shelter, food banks

You don't, she's not your problem, she's not your friend. It's her problem to solve, not yours, don't get yourself stressed over something that ISN'T YOUR PROBLEM Grin

wowfudge · 10/09/2015 08:09

OP she's already drawn you in - you owe her nothing. As someone else has said, she's a con artist. I'm sorry I offended you. In your posts you had only mentioned discussing the situation with your DH. I have no idea what your life is like, just going from what is on the page.

Fwiw I have a lovely friend who didn't have a cynical bone in her body. A few years ago when she was having a hard time financially she was totally taken in by fraudsters.

When the shit hit the fan she was out of pocket. The police were involved - she wasn't in any trouble as she was the victim. I looked back over the correspondence she'd had, all by email, as she asked me to and it was patently obvious where the fraud reached a point where they knew they had reeled her in and just went for it. But she was desperate for a bit of cash and wanted to believe it was all true so she went along with it.

You want to believe this woman as she has been a friend to you in the past - I get that. Unfortunately she's a lying snake. It's now at the point where she is reeling you in. As others have said, you owe her nothing. She's got a brain and she can find out where to turn legitimately herself. Except she doesn't want to do that because she has a sense of entitlement and believes she is somehow better than the rest of us who've had to work for things and count the pennies and pay the bills.

BMW6 · 10/09/2015 08:21

OP - you must not engage with her at all - not even to direct to foodbanks etc because you will be sucked in. She is a con artist and so is very very good at manipulation.

I get that you feel sorry for her elderly Mum and want to help her. BUT your "friend" is canny enough to look after herself and the responsibilty for looking after her Mum is HERS not yours.

This is not a case of you ignoring someone who needs help and being heartless. This is the equivalent of locking your door when you go to bed so passing thieves can't walk in and help themselves to your property.

Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MackerelOfFact · 10/09/2015 08:54

This isn't someone who has come over desperate to escape poverty and persecution. This is someone who has come over picturing herself in posh hotels and restaurants, shopping in Knightsbridge and living in luxury and assuming that everyone will be thrilled to help her out. I doubt she'd accept benefits or food bank donations as it seems she feels she's above this and feels entitled to more.

Stay well away OP. She has her sights set on an extravagant standard of living and sees you as being the one to provide it.

Mermaidhair · 10/09/2015 09:06

I think it's strange to question whether the op has any genuine friends in rl. She sounds like a caring person who is trying to be helpful without causing upset in her own life.

SideOrderofChips · 10/09/2015 09:57

OP out of interest do you actually have proof that the 80 year old mother is even in the uk?

Because it sounds like the typical sob story someone like this would give and then when you ask they say that relative is off somewhere else or going to to be going into a home/hospital etc

PotteryPotKnobs · 10/09/2015 10:11

If that CC is dodgy, and you are stopped when trying to use it, how will you explain it? It won't look good will it? A dodgy card, with a dodgy balance - or not! If you try to explain what your friend suggested to the police -when the store calls them - will she back you up? will she admit she even knows you?

Stay right away from this. She is a user/con artist/ manipulator with capitals!!

Your husband and children are your utmost priority, look after them by avoiding this woman. Just think, would she do the same for you if roles were reversed? No.