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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to help a friend in need?

141 replies

AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 20:21

So a friend told me she's selling her mother's flat in another country and coming to live in UK because as she said she's struggling there and she considers UK the land of opportunity so she knows she ll do well here
This woman has never worked in her life (she's in her 50s) always been supported by relatives parents etc
She has an incredibly bad credit record, she had to sell a property she was given by relatives to pay off credit cards
I've asked her what's her plans were, what will she do when money from the sale runs out, she had no plans, only said she ll try to get a job (she has no experience no qualifications, never the desire to work), but hang up the phone swiftly as she felt I was questioning her
When I told DH he immediately said to stay away, if she ends up coming here she ll end up homeless and camp outside our door
I laughed it off , but got a call yesterday from her that she's here with her elderly mum stating in a hotel looking for accommodation (she sold her flat already)
I was really shocked but said was looking forward to see her as haven't met up in over 10 years
A few mins later as I was listening to voicemail I picked up one from 2 days ago that I has obviously missed, and her saying that she arrived but because of problems with her account she has nowhere and needs to stay with me!! Have to say I was shocked, didn't expect Dh to be right so soon and really happy i missed that message as I wouldn't have been able to accommodate her and would have been awkward
Today she texted me that she needed cash as again another problem with account!
I told her I have no cash as everything allocated to shopping nursery fees etc but she txt back that she wanted me to call her back to talk further . I haven't called yet, I'm a bit upset that she's in uk for two days , I haven't even seen her for years and asking stuff from me. I have two small children, lots of bills, trying to get by every month, I'm in no position to help someone who without any plans decided to move to another country with her mum

So Dh told me to totally make clear I can't help, other friends told me to be extra careful as she ll get desperate and will come outside my house asking for accommodation
I can't help money wise but not sure what I can do to help her! Her suggestion was for me to do my shopping in her credit card (not UK one) and I can give her cash!
Told Dh that as I was considering this option, but he told me not to use someone else's card online
So what would you do? Would you accommodate if she ends up homeless? Would you use her card for groceries and give her cash? Would you cut all ties,
And above all AIBU to be fucking pissed off with someone who decided to leave their own country and house and relocate with a handful of cash no job and no plan?

OP posts:
noiwontstoptalking · 08/09/2015 21:32

^^ oops 'not' rather than 'bit'

ConcernedFriend15 · 08/09/2015 21:38

If her credit card works why doesn't she use it? Sounds a bit suss to me Confused

wowfudge · 08/09/2015 21:38

I'm also willing to bet there was no flat to be sold and she's simply done a runner from her home country. Do not get involved. Consider blocking her number.

formerbabe · 08/09/2015 21:41

I'd have no further contact with her and block her number.

TenQuidProQuo · 08/09/2015 21:50

Just say no. Don't apologise or give excuses or reasons just say no.

Mermaidhair · 08/09/2015 21:53

Please, please keep us all updated.

Scobberlotcher · 08/09/2015 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 08/09/2015 21:57

She wants you to use her credit card and give her cash.

So the credit card is obviously stolen. Why wouldn't she use it if it works and is hers?

shutupanddance · 08/09/2015 22:00

Woah! Seriously consider blocking her. Does she have your address?

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 08/09/2015 22:01

Do not get involved.
Do not.
All the respondents and most importantly your DH have said no. Why can't you?
She has a credit card but wants to do a cash transaction - you would be, with kindness, an idiot to do this.

She needed to stay with you, you missed the message and lo and behold they aren't on the street. If her mother is struggling then her daughter will have to spend her day at the council offices/job centre sorting them out instead of having teas and meet ups.
Please don't get me wrong, as much as I sound it I'm not heartless (as the extra bloke in front of our tv would tell you) and I'm also not a psychic however I can see exactly how this will pan out for you - badly. With a nice helping of frustration from your DH if you do something he advised against and it goes tits up, which it will.
If she is a friend she will accept the limitations of your help and still want to meet etc without strings - it would surprise me not a bit if every communication was a request and once she can get nothing from you she'll be scotch mist.

Berthatydfil · 08/09/2015 22:07

Card thing sounds a bit iffy, like she could get you to give her the money up front or report fraud on it or transactions be declined after you've given her the money so you've got no goods and no money.
If the card is good she should have no problem using it herself.

Thymeout · 08/09/2015 22:17

If she comes from the country with financial problems that I'm thinking of, a lot of accounts are blocked so people can't withdraw money. This could be the problem with her card. She may be hoping that there'll be a delay so you will give her cash and then find the supermarket rejects it so no groceries will be delivered.

Clearoutre · 08/09/2015 22:21

Very suspect - if she's genuinely in a fix (until the 'account issue' is sorted) you'd expect her to be completely open with you, not avoid questions plus, silly as it sounds, you'd expect her to want to borrow a significant amount of money i.e. a deposit on a rental place that points to a long term solution, not an amount of cash similar to a week's worth of shopping.

You've not said if she has form for this but after 10 years why are you suddenly the go-to friend?? I'd go with your instincts on this, it's irrelevant if/how many spare bedrooms you have - if you have to then say you were looking forward to catching up with her as an old friend over a coffee etc, you feel deceived by the emerging 'real' reasons for her contacting you, you're very uncomfortable about her asking for money/accommodation both of which are out of the question and that she's no right to assume that you are able to provide either.

I'd also want to ask a list of other questions but doubt you'd get honest answers...thinking about old friends on Facebook etc this could easily happen to anyone.

Good luck xx

Thisismyfirsttime · 08/09/2015 22:22

No. No. No. No. Nothing. It's all right there in your OP, she relies on others to get by on a day to day basis, she has bad credit and she's somewhat harassing you already. I understand wanting to help others but there's helping and then there's being a big old doormat and it seems very much as though you'd be the latter to have anything to do with this woman. You KNOW what she's like, you need to distance yourself big time!

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 22:29

Thymeout spot on! Is it an indefinite blockage even for people moving money abroad? I assumed she had this cleared before moving?

Bernard I was wondering why does she need the cash? She's in London (in a very expensive area I must say) where tbh you don't need cash! You're right about Dh I wouldn't go against him but tbf I challenged him a bit as he was a bit too strict , but yes I admit I was probably naive . Also how can the council help

shutup she doesn't have my address, Dh doesn't want me to give it I was ready to bring her over for coffee but wtf now

And yes you are ALL not only right but got me thinking a bit deeper about the card thing

Also can I ask, she can't claim benefits if she's not British can she? I really want her to get help but I would be gutted if she got away with not getting a job

OP posts:
WicksEnd · 08/09/2015 22:34

She won't be entitled to benefits either, (unless she was claiming them in her country of residence and the UK has a reciprocal agreement, in which case it's her own country who pay the benefit)

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 22:35

God the more I'm reading your posts the more I'm thinking 'oh dear'! Not sure what to believe now!

By the way the 'go to' friend is exactly the comment Dh made after she called a month ago to tell me the news and immediately said "I need to hang up I have no credit on the phone, call me back I need to talk to you!"..it's not a uk call btw and please don't ask me if I called her backConfused

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 08/09/2015 22:36

I did text her that I have absolutely no money and she said I could use her card for stuff and I give her cash instead

Reiterate you don't have any cash to give her!

Thank goodness she doesn't have your address. Can't you just stop answering her calls?

Thymeout · 08/09/2015 22:37

Op re blocked accounts, my next door neighbour, UK citizen, has recently moved back to the UK. He has a house there and had been putting money in a savings account to pay his mortgage when it fell due. He now can't access that account at all and is afraid they will skim off a percentage, as a sort of wealth tax, 'give it a haircut', as happened in Cyprus.

BarbarianMum · 08/09/2015 22:48

I have found that with this sort of person it helps to go back to the 1950s. So "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you'll have to speak to dh, he handles all money. " Dh need never be available and will rarely, if ever, be approached anyway.

It has even worked on my db (drug addict) who has a massive sense of entitlement and no shame whatsoever when he's short of cash (all the time).

SistersOfPercy · 08/09/2015 22:52

Block her number, block her Facebook and any other ties you have to this woman and forget her. She's not a friend. A friend wouldn't put you in this position.
Run away and don't look back.

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 22:52

Barbarian haha I thought about this! I'm not gonna lie I'm a woose (is that how it's spelled?), I do usually redirect all awkward situations to Dh Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 22:55

Thymeout are you suggesting she probably hasn't moved the money here?

wicks good to know she can't get benefits! Not sure how I'd feel if she could! She needs to start getting up early for a job!

OP posts:
Scarletforya · 08/09/2015 22:57

Just don't answer the phone to her any more. She's a freeloader.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 08/09/2015 23:01

I have a friend who moved from that country for a job here. She is claiming in work benefits only - child tax credits I think, and housing benefit. She is in an ok paying job (around ??18-20k) but is a single parent of 2 primary school aged kids. She does get something but wouldn't be eligible for jobseekers, etc.