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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be able to help a friend in need?

141 replies

AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 20:21

So a friend told me she's selling her mother's flat in another country and coming to live in UK because as she said she's struggling there and she considers UK the land of opportunity so she knows she ll do well here
This woman has never worked in her life (she's in her 50s) always been supported by relatives parents etc
She has an incredibly bad credit record, she had to sell a property she was given by relatives to pay off credit cards
I've asked her what's her plans were, what will she do when money from the sale runs out, she had no plans, only said she ll try to get a job (she has no experience no qualifications, never the desire to work), but hang up the phone swiftly as she felt I was questioning her
When I told DH he immediately said to stay away, if she ends up coming here she ll end up homeless and camp outside our door
I laughed it off , but got a call yesterday from her that she's here with her elderly mum stating in a hotel looking for accommodation (she sold her flat already)
I was really shocked but said was looking forward to see her as haven't met up in over 10 years
A few mins later as I was listening to voicemail I picked up one from 2 days ago that I has obviously missed, and her saying that she arrived but because of problems with her account she has nowhere and needs to stay with me!! Have to say I was shocked, didn't expect Dh to be right so soon and really happy i missed that message as I wouldn't have been able to accommodate her and would have been awkward
Today she texted me that she needed cash as again another problem with account!
I told her I have no cash as everything allocated to shopping nursery fees etc but she txt back that she wanted me to call her back to talk further . I haven't called yet, I'm a bit upset that she's in uk for two days , I haven't even seen her for years and asking stuff from me. I have two small children, lots of bills, trying to get by every month, I'm in no position to help someone who without any plans decided to move to another country with her mum

So Dh told me to totally make clear I can't help, other friends told me to be extra careful as she ll get desperate and will come outside my house asking for accommodation
I can't help money wise but not sure what I can do to help her! Her suggestion was for me to do my shopping in her credit card (not UK one) and I can give her cash!
Told Dh that as I was considering this option, but he told me not to use someone else's card online
So what would you do? Would you accommodate if she ends up homeless? Would you use her card for groceries and give her cash? Would you cut all ties,
And above all AIBU to be fucking pissed off with someone who decided to leave their own country and house and relocate with a handful of cash no job and no plan?

OP posts:

User543212345 · 09/09/2015 16:58

Don't give her a reference - you don't know her anymore and what you do know doesn't sound good - just keep telling her that it won't be possible. Though I think you are struggling to say no to her repeated "reasonable" requests. Each one would be reasonable from a very good friend, and in isolation but from an acquaintance and together they are demands and she knows exactly what she's doing, the manipulative cow.

You sound lovely but like you can't detach from this woman's predicament. A predicament which is all her own making. Given that you want to help but she doesn't want help, she wants a free ride, I'm going to join the chorus of voices saying block, block, block.

rollonthesummer · 09/09/2015 17:01

Don't give her a reference!!

You sound very invested in this for someone you have barely seen for years?? I'd just ignore the phone tbh.

If you do get roped into being involved with her flat-we'll see you posting here in a few months, 'aibu to be cross with my friend. She asked me to help her get a flat but has run up hundreds of pounds of rent arrears and bills and had scarpered leaving my name as the contact and the landlord is taking me to court to get it back'. Just say no-dont be a doormat.

rollonthesummer · 09/09/2015 17:03

Is she asking anyone else for help or are you the only person she knows in the country? Is she from an EU country?

HeyDuggee · 09/09/2015 17:08

She means guarantor. You don't need a reference to rent a flat. You do need proof you can pay however and usually foreigners will pay 6-12months in advance as they have no credit history, or they get their workplace to be a guarantor.

She has neither. And a guarantor means you are legally obligated to repay what she owes the LL if she doesn't (but you can't evict her so she could rack up months of rent and legal fees while her LL evicts her, then come after you for money she can't pay.)

She could literally have millions squirreled in an account, refuse to pay or move out and you'd be legally forced to pay the rent for her if you agree to be a guarantor. (You do have to sign an agreement, she can't add you and a credit check is done on you too.)

How is it your problem if she has nowhere to go? Tell her to go back to her country.

And for love of God, do NOT PAY FOR HER COFFEE.

Here you are telling her you have no money and picking up the cheque?!

Tell her you can't treat her and you each need to pay for yourself before you agree to meet her. If she says she can't, oh well.

Not. Your. Problem.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/09/2015 17:10

Why are you so involved in this?

You sound lovely but it's been ten years and she sounds like nothing but trouble!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2015 17:14

I think I ll have a problem if she calls me crying that she has nowhere to go

I'm sure you will, OP, but the thing is this: sooner or later you'll need to break absolutely all contact with this chancer, so why not do it now before it costs you a great deal, both financially and emotionally?

Totally agree with others that she should never have your address, and for pity's sake don't feel obliged to justify things - people like this always have an answer to any obstacle you mention

Don't worry; once she susses out you're not for manipulation she'll soon move onto someone else

Zucker · 09/09/2015 17:21

To be honest stop answering the phone to her. She's going to drain you the longer this goes on, if not financially it will emotionally.

She has no compunction about landing you in hot water, by getting you to use her card which I bet she would then report as an unauthorised use of the card at a later date.

You owe this woman nothing, she needs at this stage in her life to be responsible for herself. Some how she has made you feel responsible for her well being. Why is this?

starfishmummy · 09/09/2015 17:25

Your dh is right. Best to stay awa
fwiw I don't think that you have edone anything to encourage her. She would not have listened even jf you said no. She may be trying to sponge off Other people as well

ThomasSofty · 09/09/2015 17:53

I had to get a reference last time I rented a new place - the agency was quite old fashioned, and it wasn't a problem to give one although first time I've ever been asked for one. It doesn't necessarily mean she is trying to get you to be her guarantor (which you would be mad to do!). You would have to answer some questions about her, or provide a written statement that she is who she says she is.

WitchOfAlba · 09/09/2015 17:59

YANBU. She's taking the piss.

wowfudge · 09/09/2015 18:53

Just stop engaging with her. You don't need to know anything more about her - it sounds like a pack of lies anyway. Don't meet up with her. That is a really, really bad idea. Far easier to stop answering the phone than to try to get out of giving someone who asks you directly your address face to face.

You need to woman up and do what's best for your family and ignore this leech of a person.

rollonthesummer · 09/09/2015 18:56

If you just stop answering the phone, she won't be able to speak to you; problem sorted!

Hissy · 09/09/2015 19:00

I agree, let her text and leave messages, call her back if no request for anything, otherwise ignore.

Cabrinha · 09/09/2015 19:02

Your husband must despair of you!
You barely know this woman any more.
2 years with just an email?
Just stop answering your phone.

Scarletforya · 09/09/2015 19:08

Why are you still answering the phone to her OP?

BMW6 · 09/09/2015 19:23

DO NOT GIVE A REFERENCE !!!

You cannot give her a good one as you don't know her credit history (and as you haven't been in regular contact you know next to nothing about her actually - what you DO know is not good at all)

You would have to put your address in the reference - she will then turn up on your doorstep.

TBH this is really fucking ridiculous. She is not a friend of yours. You are a meal ticket to her. Stop being such a wuss and tell her to jog on. Do not meet her anywhere for anything - you are too soft to risk it.

If you can't do it. why not ask you DH to answer next time she rings, and let him tell her to stop contacting you.

Sorry to be harsh Op - but for goodness sake.......

TenQuidProQuo · 09/09/2015 20:20

oh dear, I think you made a mistake discussing her finances with her. You need to just say no and that's it.

I wouldn't provide a reference. If that means she is poised off with you then so be it. I suspect if you agree to the reference that you may find yourself getting drawn in.

I also wouldn't meet up with her. I don't see how it could end well. This was never more than a casual friendship, I would just let it go.

Original poster

AnotherTimeMaybe · 09/09/2015 20:26

None of you is harsh you are all correct, just found out she asked money two days ago from a relative of mine so just called my mum to warn her not to fall for anything and not to give my address
I was told by DM that she actually asked the money to pay for the hotel which is 250 a night!! I mentioned earlier I think it's in a very expensive area but didn't fucking expect that
There are b&bs FFS for 40 a day! But she wants to stay in Central London
I'm beyond pissed off at the mo in very close to calling her and giving her a piece of my mind but Dh told me to just relax and avoid
It's not even about avoiding calls anymore I'm genuinely very upset to a different level now abs there is no fucking way in hell she gets anything now... If she approaches my poor DM I think I ll go mental

I didn't know about references having address on definitely not giving one now!
On a side note I know I'm a wuss please bear with me this is not easy for me

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 09/09/2015 20:30

right, call round the family get the message out not to answer the phone to her, not to give her money, not to give her your address or their address.

Then cut off. You aren't strong enough to say 'no' so don't get yourself in the position of having to.

BreeVDKamp · 09/09/2015 20:31

Yikes. Stay strong OP!! She sounds like a nightmare.

sonjadog · 09/09/2015 20:40

Thank goodness you have seen sense. Give this woman nothing. Don't get involved in any way.

rollonthesummer · 09/09/2015 22:16

How did she get phone numbers of your family members??

Have you been taken advantage of by friends before-you seem to be showing a strange reluctance to just cut contact with this person who just isn't close to you?

Waltermittythesequel · 09/09/2015 22:17

How does she have contact numbers for your family??

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/09/2015 22:21

Op, do you or your parents come from a culture where you have a social obligation to help family or friends, however distant? Because if you do, I honestly sympathise with your mental turmoil. However, this woman sounds like she will suck you dry and make you feel guilty for not doing more even as she does it.

For the love of God, DETACH.

echt · 09/09/2015 22:21

Why don't you block her calls?

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