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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to help a friend in need?

141 replies

AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 20:21

So a friend told me she's selling her mother's flat in another country and coming to live in UK because as she said she's struggling there and she considers UK the land of opportunity so she knows she ll do well here
This woman has never worked in her life (she's in her 50s) always been supported by relatives parents etc
She has an incredibly bad credit record, she had to sell a property she was given by relatives to pay off credit cards
I've asked her what's her plans were, what will she do when money from the sale runs out, she had no plans, only said she ll try to get a job (she has no experience no qualifications, never the desire to work), but hang up the phone swiftly as she felt I was questioning her
When I told DH he immediately said to stay away, if she ends up coming here she ll end up homeless and camp outside our door
I laughed it off , but got a call yesterday from her that she's here with her elderly mum stating in a hotel looking for accommodation (she sold her flat already)
I was really shocked but said was looking forward to see her as haven't met up in over 10 years
A few mins later as I was listening to voicemail I picked up one from 2 days ago that I has obviously missed, and her saying that she arrived but because of problems with her account she has nowhere and needs to stay with me!! Have to say I was shocked, didn't expect Dh to be right so soon and really happy i missed that message as I wouldn't have been able to accommodate her and would have been awkward
Today she texted me that she needed cash as again another problem with account!
I told her I have no cash as everything allocated to shopping nursery fees etc but she txt back that she wanted me to call her back to talk further . I haven't called yet, I'm a bit upset that she's in uk for two days , I haven't even seen her for years and asking stuff from me. I have two small children, lots of bills, trying to get by every month, I'm in no position to help someone who without any plans decided to move to another country with her mum

So Dh told me to totally make clear I can't help, other friends told me to be extra careful as she ll get desperate and will come outside my house asking for accommodation
I can't help money wise but not sure what I can do to help her! Her suggestion was for me to do my shopping in her credit card (not UK one) and I can give her cash!
Told Dh that as I was considering this option, but he told me not to use someone else's card online
So what would you do? Would you accommodate if she ends up homeless? Would you use her card for groceries and give her cash? Would you cut all ties,
And above all AIBU to be fucking pissed off with someone who decided to leave their own country and house and relocate with a handful of cash no job and no plan?

OP posts:
notquitehuman · 08/09/2015 23:03

Read the many threads on here about terrible house guests. The second she gets her feet under the table she will become a complete nightmare. The fact she wants you to use her card is very very dodgy, and could land you in trouble. Just say no.

rollonthesummer · 08/09/2015 23:03

How do you know her, op?

cookiefiend · 08/09/2015 23:07

DO NOT USE HER CREDIT CARD!!!

When you inevitably fall out with her over not providing accommodation etc she will report fraud on her card. She will say she did not give you permission to use it so she gets the money back from the bank and you are charged with fraud. As using someone else's card is not allowed- there is not much you can say to defend yourself. I have seen this happen to two clients recently.

If she doesn't know where you live just block her number. She is not your problem and sounds like trouble.

HeyDuggee · 08/09/2015 23:07

I'd start getting all offended... You're not family, I haven't seen you in 10 years and you expect me to give you money and a roof over your head?! What kind of a friend shows up and starts demanding?! Then cut her off. Channel that outrage held in by stiff upper lip and rigid posture while sitting straight as an arrow. It scares us foreigners Grin

AuditAngel · 08/09/2015 23:09

I would refer her to the local Orthodox Church, I believe they may be assisting their Nationals who are struggling

Clearoutre · 08/09/2015 23:14

It's really kind of you to be concerned and try to understand what her options are but ultimately (I assuming) you're not knowledgeable in this area and you're in the dark about her exact circumstances so you can only roughly direct her.

If it was me I'd advise that she speaks to her local council and Shelter and they can direct her from there. I can't fathom giving up my home here in the UK and what I'd do next let alone ALSO then travelling to another country with no place to stay or money...I assume we're talking about a country like Greece or Spain i.e. 'safe'. The obvious question from any source of help would be to ask where the money from the sale of the house is. Sounds like a lot of bad decision making...but this is NOT your mess to sort out.

Thymeout · 08/09/2015 23:23

Op - I don't know. Just that my neighbour can't access his savings in a bank over there. Depends whether she was able to move her money from the flat sale before the restrictions came into force.

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/09/2015 23:50

Thanks ladies you are all making a lot of sense and I really do appreciate your suggestions, I ll definitely act on them

Just to answer a PP s post a met her years ago she was a neighbour in a block of flats I was living on my own then and became good friends for about 4-5 years, she moved back to her country I moved on we kept in touch here and there by emails phone etc but on average speaking once a year . I actually hadn't spoken to her recently for about 2 years so this thing came a bit unexpectedly
She was and probably is a lovely soul but I assume the circumstances make her think irrationally and because she's not used to the whole work thing I think it's now caught up with her (I don't think many people are supporting her now) hence she's panicking
I think you all made it somehow very clear to me, you made me think of things I hadn't thought before and you gave me some great suggestions and I really do appreciate this massively!!

OP posts:
BMW6 · 09/09/2015 08:55

So you hadn't been in contact for two years and before it was a once a year catch-up by email????

Op - she does NOT regard you as a "friend". You are a means to an end - meal ticket, target, etc.

I get it that you have a kind heart, but chancers like your "friend" rely on others' kind hearts and make them into victims.

Please steel yourself and block contact. She does not have your address thank fuck so you can block in the knowledge that she can't show up on your doorstep.

To repeat - she is not your friend. You have been kept as a useful contact, that's all.

ineedabodytransplant · 09/09/2015 09:34

I doubt very much that she's sold the flat either so there is no money in her awkward bank account. It will always be 'lend me some money and as soon as my account is sorted out you'll get it all back' but the account will never be sorted.
She isn't a friend, she's someone you used to know and now you're just someone she knows from the past in a country she wants to be looked after by who she thinks may be a soft touch.
Don't have anything to do with her. If she has got by this long getting others to carry her she will know all the tricks in the book.

rollonthesummer · 09/09/2015 12:23

It sounds like your don't know her well at all if you haven't seen or spoken to her for two years!

Are you sure she can't just turn up on your door step? She doesn't know the area you're in?

Do not use the credit card-thAtd dodgy as hell! Block her number.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/09/2015 12:33

Honestly, I wouldn't tell her where you live and I would just stop responding to all attempts at communication.

She's not your friend. She's someone you used to be friends with.

dustarr73 · 09/09/2015 12:47

The card thing sounds dodgy as hell.I would just block her,its not your problem.Plus you dont know if her Mum is here or just using that as an exscuse to pull at your heartstrings.

Her choice not to work,her choice to go to the UK.Nothing to do with you.
Block,block,block.Otherwise you are asking for trouble.

eddielizzard · 09/09/2015 12:48

agreeing with everyone else. she isn't your responsibility. you don't have to talk to her again if you don't want to. you don't owe her anything.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 09/09/2015 12:48

I'm annoyed for you! How cheeky of her! Block off all contact with her ASAP her and her mother aren't your responsibility do not be guilt tripped.

jay55 · 09/09/2015 12:51

She sounds like a real life scam email.

DinosaursRoar · 09/09/2015 13:07

she doesnt have your address then? Don't give it. If you want to meet up, then meet her out somewhere for a coffee, be prepared to pay, so go somewhere like costa that's nice and cheap! I'd be a real friend and give her a blunt talking too, she's not going to be entitled to benefits in the UK, you can't support her, even for an interim period until she gets back on her feet, unless she can get a job in the next couple of weeks, she should really consider using the credit card to fly back and apply for benefits in her home country.

But the above asumes you are tough enough to do it, and it doesn't sound like you are (you sound lovely, BTW), so I'd go with being super busy, screen all calls, dump to voicemail, avoid for a few weeks, she'll either give up and go find someone else to keep her, or you'll be proved wrong when she sorts herself out.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/09/2015 13:28

I totally agree with Dinosaurs, I think you sound too nice to be able to actually give her the talking to she needs. I would go completely NC now, don't answer anything, don't speak to her, just leave it. You owe this woman nothing, you're not able to accommodate her and you certainly can't risk the credit card offer scam. This must be hugely stressful. My parents were put in a similar situation many years ago by my brother's then girlfriend who moved in with us. It was completely unnecessary, she totally took advantage of the generous hospitality shown to her, helped herself to things out of my bedroom (ie : my expensive skincare, cosmetics etc). It took me losing my temper with her to shift her arse out. She would have stayed forever otherwise. She was one of those who had always "left her purse at home" when you went out. You know the sort...skin of a rhino and absolutely no self awareness whatsoever.

Good luck OP Flowers

reallywittyname · 09/09/2015 14:48

No, no and no. She's not your friend, she's a freeloader. Don't let her know where you live. Don't take her calls.

NannyOggsHedgehogs · 09/09/2015 16:05

I don't think many people are supporting her now

There is a reason for this.

Original poster
AnotherTimeMaybe · 09/09/2015 16:24

Yes you are 100% right all of you and although I'm quite strong/tough in many aspects of my life, I think I ll have a problem if she calls me crying that she has nowhere to go

You suggestion for not picking up the phone straight away and try to get a bit distant is great and I will do that slowly slowly starting from yesterday

If I end up meeting her outside my home will be tricky as I either work or I have baby and toddler with me so God know how I ll manage it but all your posts proved that it'd be madness to let her know where I live so noway she s coming over

This comment : then meet her out somewhere for a coffee be prepared to pay is an interesting one, I know she will expect me to pay so it's fantastic advice for me to know where to go (her favourite place is harrods!)

So just an update she left numerous messages yesterday so she called this morning and asked (nicely) for cash. I told her clearly I have none and when she suggested the card thing I said she just had to do her job with her card which is easy enough in this country
I've asked her about her account, she said she's only allowed a specific amount a month which for London is not enough! So she said she ll be using her card for everything which is automatically paid by her other account in the other country (no restriction there according to her ) , so it seems like she's sorted. I think she panicked slightly that I don't seem to be helping as such but she seems ok
She asked for reference for the flat she ll leave in , I said to her I doubt they ll ask her as she's coming from another country but not sure now.. What kind of reference can I give? I haven't seen her for years and what does this mean for me? Does anyone know?

Again thank you all your advice is precious!

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 09/09/2015 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onthematleavecountdown · 09/09/2015 16:33

Careful with the reference for he flat,make sure ahe isn't signing you up as a guarantor.

How is she going to pay first month plus deposit upfront. Won't she need employee references to show she is good for the money?

MsTargaryen · 09/09/2015 16:39

Don't give her a reference if you barely know her! You said yourself you don't know her mental state etc so don't make her some landlords problem too.

NadiaWadia · 09/09/2015 16:55

Agree with pps, don't let her put you down as guarantor for her to rent somewhere. It could end up being a massive financial commitment and you don't have the funds, is that right? (and anyway, even if you did, why should you?)

Sadly for her, this probably means she won't be able to rent somewhere. But she should have thought of this before coming over to the UK.

You have to think of your own family first, OP, and there's no reason to feel guilty about that. She has been very silly.