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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell friend to report her OH's behaviour with their 4wk old baby?

254 replies

WilsonPoppy · 07/09/2015 23:04

I've name changed for this. I don't have kids yet so I need help to judge this one.

My friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago and was struggling with recovery from caesarian at first but now she is settled and really happy although she has tendencies to be quite stressed and a bit low.

BUT she told me in conversation today that her OH can be quite rough with the baby and last night they were both sitting on the sofa with baby laying down in the bouncer in front of him. My friend couldn't pick baby up from that awkward angle because of her caesarian scar so she asked OH to pick her up and pass her over. She said he picked her up by the scruff of her neck (her baby grow) with one hand and handed her over to her like that across the sofa.

She said she went mad with him and he said he was busy with his other hand (doing something to his foot). I told her that he needs to know he can't handle a baby like that and she totally agreed it was ridiculous and said the baby should be a priority over his ankle.

She told me he is quite rough with the baby and shakes her around a bit too much sometimes when he is changing her/winding her. She then said that he walks around with her in one hand and she doesn't like it. She's told him to use two hands but she saw him with her tucked under his arm like a rugby ball and he went to the toilet and did the toilet with her like that a couple of times and she went mad with him.

After I took all this in I said 'You need to talk to him about this very seriously, he can't do that, it's really disrespectful, it's child abuse' and she said 'he won't do it again, i've told him'. She thinks he is just a bit naive about babies and it's early days and he has zero common sense. He is a big drinker but she tells me he has been behaving himself lately. When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives.

The day they came home from hospital he was swinging her very high up (above his head) quite fast and I thought 'that's too high, too fast' for a 4 day old baby'. I didn't say anything then and maybe i should have. Her neck was supported and she was tiny in his big hands.

I can't ignore it and I'm going to tell her to speak to her health visitor / GP / doctor about it.

AIBU to tell her she has got to tell her health visitor what her OH is doing?

OP posts:
mikado1 · 08/09/2015 20:47

Blibbloblub not completely necessary? I didn't think it was necessary at all! Never saw anyone doing it just that as I walked along I felt head was going up and down!!

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 20:48

Not all men are abusers AF

you are quite correct

this one is a bit dodgy though, non ?

multivac · 08/09/2015 20:50

Actually, for me what it 'boils down to' is reliability of sources. I have no idea what sort of a person any of the three parties in the OP are - all I have to go on are the typed words of one of them. So to me it makes sense to stick with 'share your concerns with a health professional', rather than pile on the hyperbole and hysteria.

It's possible to drink oneself into oblivion, even regularly, without being an alcoholic; and if someone suggests that the flowery, thorny thing you're describing is a 'rosebush', and you say 'ooh yes, that's what it is', that's not evidence for a third party.

Sunsoo · 08/09/2015 20:55

I am worried now. I have had to tell myself that this is just some sick wind-up.

OP has been advised repeatably to report this immediately. We cannot do anymore. I hope MN delete this thread.

Absofrigginlootly · 08/09/2015 20:56

Oh multivac I meant to type "he sounds like an alcoholic, but juggling typing and a crawling 10 month old I didn't pay full attention to every. single. word. I wrote because I guess I assumed posters would be focusing on the bigger and more important picture here!

But a guy who is described as....

He is a big drinker......When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives.

....sounds like an alcoholic to me! But whatever, it's not the most important point, just part of a wider picture of concerning behaviour/attitudes from the father.

Agree with Narp and Anyfucker... Why are people trying to excuse or minimise this mans behaviour?

I hope this thread is fake (that poor baby) Sad

But I can tell you from my days in the HV team, sadly it's not that far-fetched although people don't like to believe it

CarpetBagger · 08/09/2015 21:00

not read thread but the most alarming thing to me is throwing a four day baby in the air.

older babies who can react and enjoy this - yes, older 6 months? older than that but a delicate 4 day old baby who is just acclimatizing to the world? I am a big believer in fourth trimester anyway.

CarpetBagger · 08/09/2015 21:01

you could argue about whether its ok or not to lift baby by the baby grow, but the underlying fact is - its NOT the most loving and careful gesture of a gentle and loving parent is it!!

coffeeisnectar · 08/09/2015 21:09

He sounds a massive risk to the baby. And he has no respect for his partner who has voiced her concerns to him several times as he's still throwing the baby under his arm etc.

Definitely needs to ltb.

livingzuid · 08/09/2015 21:10

Wow OP I think you're really brave. Lots of people would have taken the 'not my business line'. It is always better to be safe than sorry in a situation like this. The alternative is too awful to contemplate.

DH treated our now 16 month old daughter like a priceless Ming vase when she was born. He still does.

This man's behaviour is deeply disturbing. As are some of the posts on this thread. I hope your friend and her baby are safe.

Absofrigginlootly · 08/09/2015 21:18

Wilson I would not out all your faith in your friend reporting her partners behaviour to HV or similar.

And even if she does, SS don't care whether they receive 1 or 101 reports about the same incident. Even if no new information is given. They would rather people over than under report.

In those cases of child abuse that make the news, the serious case reviews always reveal many instances where many different people have failed to report or act on information.

You have to live with your conscience. Why not just report yourself?? If your friend is concerned about her baby too then she would understand why you had reported. If she's so scared of her partner that she wouldn't report him herself, or unable to see his behaviour for what it is (it's well documented that people in abusive situations loose sense of perspective for various reasons) then hopefully by reporting you would be enabling her to also get any professional support she may need.

Original poster
WilsonPoppy · 08/09/2015 21:20

I can assure you, I will not ignore the advice of NSPCC - if she doesn't report it to a health professional I will. Thanks for your help and reassurance that this was the right action to take.

OP posts:
Original poster
WilsonPoppy · 08/09/2015 21:29

x post there Abso.

I know you're right. I should just do it but she did say she would speak to the HV about it and his mother and NSPCC and not keep it a secret. I want to give her a chance. They'll know it's me and he'll go mad. It's really sensitive. These all sound pathetic excuses. I won't leave it though.

OP posts:
TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 08/09/2015 21:31

No (given the proviso staed earlier that the baby had head control) if the baby was lifted upwards ,wouldn't their weight be downwards, on their (nappy-padded) crotch

I have head-control, but if you pick me up by the back of my onesie and lift upwards (a small crane may be needed Wink), the neckline is going to be pulled across my throat by my own weight. It will hurt.

I suppose you could avoid that by taking care to pull me up with my legs higher than my head, making sure that my head wobbled around freely down below, but in what hell would you call that a kind, loving way to pick someone up? It wouldn't be comfortable for an adult, with the greatest amount of neck control they will ever have. Sit on the sofa, turn round and let yourself carefully flop off the edge from your waist upside down, with your head dangling. If doing that hasn't convinced you, consider sit-ups for a moment- fitness instructors tell adults to keep their arms supporting theirs head, because you can bugger your neck to hell if you don't.

Even a strong 4-week-old with head control is still nowhere near a fully mature adult's level. And we have to be careful with our necks to avoid discomfort and injury.

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 08/09/2015 21:40

Or rather, the neckline will be pulled up by the force of the crane, by as much force as it takes to lift me (notgonnathinkaboutit) but my throat will be pushed against it by my weight. My windpipe is going to be constricted and it will hurt.

Basically, did you ever see someone get dragged by a necklace from behind? We're talking similar dynamics.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 21:50

of course the babygro would have to drag on the neck/under the chin (same as the neck for a 4 week old)...or it would simply slip off over the head

not sure why we are talking the finer points of babygros strangling tiny babies though

rebellove · 08/09/2015 21:52

I find it slightly odd that despite OP expressing her concerns, she says 'NO WAY' to HV intervention but then willingly tells you how he manhandles the infant. She must know that you're not going to sit back and take no action? Sounds as though she's frightened of him..

HolgerDanske · 08/09/2015 21:56

Yes it hardly matters. Anyone with a brain will know that the vast, vast majority of babies would not be anywhere near to the stage of supporting their head at four weeks old. Anyone with a brain knows that a small baby should be picked up carefully and should not be treated like a stuffed toy. Anyone with a brain knows that a loving parent will perform these and similar acts with care and affection. Something is off here.

Anyway this has gone as far as it can go on here, so I am bowing out.

ArendelleQueen · 08/09/2015 21:57

As a social worker (who no longer works in child protection but knows it well), I can safely say that I'd advise you to report it. It's not your responsibility to work out whether he's abusive or not, let the professionals assess. You have done the right thing, OP. From what you've said, it may be concerning and it certainly needs reporting.

Yourethe1formefatty · 08/09/2015 22:03

I took my DD to a cranial osteopath who picked my DD out of the carseat like that.

This thread has just reminded me Shock

Original poster
WilsonPoppy · 08/09/2015 22:05

She is not going to report it. I asked her if she was OK and she just texted:

"Was pretty upset after you left. Not going to phone them but if anything else happens I will. I spoke to * about it when he got home. He wasn't happy at first but he understands. I'm absolutely sure he won't do anything like that again. We are just trying our best. x"

I need to tell the health visitor myself.

Asbo you're right she's not going to do it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 22:06

It was fairly predictable she wouldn't, love

Your friendship might be ended by this. I would consider it a price worth paying.

goblinhat · 08/09/2015 22:08

What is more important- the baby's safety or your friendship.

An easy choice for me.

TeamBacon · 08/09/2015 22:09

Yep, agree with everything AF has said

multivac · 08/09/2015 22:11

"It was fairly predictable she wouldn't, love"

It certainly was.

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/09/2015 22:11

The disingenuous are out in their droves on this thread.

There has been absolutely no hysteria from the OP herself.

OP - YANBU.