AIBU to tell friend to report her OH's behaviour with their 4wk old baby?

[WilsonPoppy]

I've name changed for this. I don't have kids yet so I need help to judge this one.

My friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago and was struggling with recovery from caesarian at first but now she is settled and really happy although she has tendencies to be quite stressed and a bit low.

BUT she told me in conversation today that her OH can be quite rough with the baby and last night they were both sitting on the sofa with baby laying down in the bouncer in front of him. My friend couldn't pick baby up from that awkward angle because of her caesarian scar so she asked OH to pick her up and pass her over. She said he picked her up by the scruff of her neck (her baby grow) with one hand and handed her over to her like that across the sofa.

She said she went mad with him and he said he was busy with his other hand (doing something to his foot). I told her that he needs to know he can't handle a baby like that and she totally agreed it was ridiculous and said the baby should be a priority over his ankle.

She told me he is quite rough with the baby and shakes her around a bit too much sometimes when he is changing her/winding her. She then said that he walks around with her in one hand and she doesn't like it. She's told him to use two hands but she saw him with her tucked under his arm like a rugby ball and he went to the toilet and did the toilet with her like that a couple of times and she went mad with him.

After I took all this in I said 'You need to talk to him about this very seriously, he can't do that, it's really disrespectful, it's child abuse' and she said 'he won't do it again, i've told him'. She thinks he is just a bit naive about babies and it's early days and he has zero common sense. He is a big drinker but she tells me he has been behaving himself lately. When he drinks he gets so drunk he doesn't even know who she is or where he lives.

The day they came home from hospital he was swinging her very high up (above his head) quite fast and I thought 'that's too high, too fast' for a 4 day old baby'. I didn't say anything then and maybe i should have. Her neck was supported and she was tiny in his big hands.

I can't ignore it and I'm going to tell her to speak to her health visitor / GP / doctor about it.

AIBU to tell her she has got to tell her health visitor what her OH is doing?

If you are worried about repercussions, no one will go charging in and take the baby away.
speak to someone in real life in confidence.

Thank you so much for the sound advice to call the NSPCC helpline for guidance on what to do. They advised me to report it today as this sounds like an unpredictable situation for a small baby.

They understood that it was a very sensitive situation because my friend has confided in me and I said I would speak to my friend tonight, tell her I am seriously concerned and offer to be with her when she has her next HV visit so she can tell the HV everything she is concerned about.

NSPCC said they would rather I reported it today but understand why I want to speak to my friend. She said I might want to tell her I'd spoken anonymously to the helpline and that NSPCC are also concerned.

They said it may be something that can be addressed or it may be very complicated but her concerns need to be known about.

She said lifting up and down above head is not appropriate for a 4 Day old as she hasn't developed her neck muscles yet even when supported.

She was concerned with his reaction to being told by my friend not to lift baby by "scruff of neck" and ignoring her requests not to carry her around with one hand when it is not necessary.

She was also concerned with his excessive drinking.

He doesn't need to take the baby to the toilet to pee with one hand and hold her with the other. Mum is there in the next room all the time.

I'm with AF on this. I've just been through child protection training and I'm certain that the advice here would be to report. Yes, it might be a confident father and an overanxious mother. But it might also be child abuse with the potential to lead to death.

Someone should be finding out which it is- someone who is trained to do so.

^^ a thousand times this!!!!!

Having worked in HV in the past I can tell you (In my professional opinion) that they would be VERY concerned and interested in this family. It might be a case of simply working with the family to help them understand how easily brain damage can be caused with babies and show them safe ways of handling the baby and after a bit of follow up concerns would be satisfied and they would be put back into normal service level..... Or it might be the case that thus guy is an abusive alcoholic fuckwit and this family will need ongoing support and intervention. Let the professionals decide!!!

Report to SS, anonymously if you want. Leave a message with her GP surgery (if you know which surgery she's registered with) and they will tell her HV.

Do NOT ignore!

X posted with your update.

I'm glad to see the NSPCC agree that thus sounds serious.

The only problem with going back to your friend is what if she doesn't feel able to tell her HV? What if she tells you she has but then doesn't? She might be scared of this man. He is an alcoholic and as we all know sadly domestic violence is often triggered by pregnancy/childbirth...

I would personally want to make sure the professionals knew.

Yes abso I'm also concerned about that, I told NSPCC that I would need to be there to hear her tell the HV or hear her phone NSPCC and report it. It's very hard.

Good luck op. Maybe with your support, she will feel more confident in reporting. Sometimes we just need someone to tell us "you're right" to give us the push to do something. That it's not just in our heads or we're being silly. Kind of like yourself with this thread.

"He is an alcoholic"

'Big drinker' and 'alcoholic' are not synonymous. Still, don't let me get in the way of another wave of hyperbole.

OP, you've now been advised from all sides (and in amongst the Eagle In the Apartment speculation) to speak to a professional about your concerns; I'm not quite sure what else you expected the NSPCC to say given what you were telling them.

This all sounds very worrying OP

Nevertheless, I made sure all spines and necks on tiny, tiny babies Who Were Too Young To Hold Their Heads Up were supported while breastfeeding. Even if I needed to do the washing-up. The amazing device I used to this? A sling

Right. So not always sat down and using a breastfeeding pillow then? ;)

Well I'm surprised the NSPCC said that. I would have thought they'd say - 'ho ho, many breast feeding mums hold their children like that or I've seen this so many times - it's always the anxious woman's fault, you just need to unclench...'

That's funny, thehypocritesoaf; I expected them to call the OP's friend's husband an abusive, alcoholic, wife-beating, emotionally manipulative cunt (in between exclamation marks) and tell her to advise her friend to leave him and take his baby with her. They're a surprising bunch, aren't they!

Just been to see my friend and told her i'd spoken to NSPCC. She said the HV had been round today so I asked her if she'd spoken to her about the way her OH lifted the baby across the sofa and she said 'NO WAY'. So i told her she has to tell someone about it because I know now and she needs to tell a health professional now because I can't do anything to help and it's not right. I told her I'd phoned NSPCC for advice and they were very concerned.

I asked her to tell me again how he picked her up and she showed me, it was the back of her baby grow. She said baby had a plastic bib on at the time and it gave her a red mark on her neck.

She totally agrees it's unacceptable and irrational and thinks he's treating the baby like an object. She thinks he's just clueless. I told her what the NSPCC lady said 'even a 5 year old knows you need to be careful with a newborn'. I said she was making excuses for him and she needs to nip this in the bud now and tell the HV.

She mentioned the going to the toilet thing again so I asked how he carried her and showed me. It was under the arm with his arm around her waist. I said 'not supporting the head?' and she said no.

I gave her the NSPCC helpline so she can discuss it with them and told her she doesn't have to report it but can discuss how to approach him about it etc and what to say to the HV. She said she is going to tell her HV and that she should probably tell his mother too.

She's going to get in touch after she's rung NSPCC.

He is a binge drinking alcoholic. He goes out and doesn't know where he is when he wakes up or who she is when she goes to pick him up. He's on anti-depressants too so I think that makes him worse.

That poor baby

Ok. I relent. In light of the OP's last post, there is definitely cause for concern

Fuck me. She needs to kick him out.

Right. So not always sat down and using a breastfeeding pillow then? ;)

Haha good one!
'twould appear you misunderstood. Deliberately, I expect. ;) As you know, I was replying to your sarcasm about the rugby ball hold being suitable for breastfeeding.

As I said, I always used a V-shaped pillow with that hold. I never stood up to breastfeed using that hold, and I never carried around a baby to breastfeed in that hold. Because there is not enough support for a tiny baby if you carry them underarm to breastfeed while upright.

I am baffled beyond belief if you consider it a safe hold to use if breastfeeding while active and mobile without a sling or other external supports.

Perhaps you would like to supply pictures?

Well with the extra info there's no question about it. I thought it sounded like he was carrying the poor little baby like a sack of spuds under his arm. And I absolutely agree, even a five year old will instinctively be very careful with a small baby. Something is off.

They are all seriously unsafe things he's doing. He's either a complete idiot, like no brain cells whatsoever, or if I'm being extremely generous, completely misguided, or horrible as it is, properly antagonistic toward his little child. In either of these cases it is still very possible he could harm the baby.

She needs to watch him like a hawk and she needs to tell someone asap.

If she doesn't feel able to ask for help from outside you will need to tell someone, and soon.

Sorry, each of these cases*

Jesus. That is awful.

He is a binge drinking alcoholic. He goes out and doesn't know where he is when he wakes up or who she is when she goes to pick him up. He's on anti-depressants too so I think that makes him worse.

Probably true. Alcohol is a depressant, so alcohol basically cancels out the anti-depressants. But you still get the aide-effects of the anti-depressants without the benefits.

Fucking hell. As I said, its worrying. The toilet thing I can't get worked up over, and I was about to post a picture of me holding my 5 week old DS line a rugby ball to show it can be done safely, but then read OPs update, and that isnt right at all.
Poor poor baby

Did she say when she's going to ring the NSPCC? Don't let this drag on.

It depends a lot on the head control they have.Some babies can support their head well even at 4 weeks.My youngest could at birth.I am struggling to see what harm picking up by the baby grow for maybe a second would do.Ditto the eunder the arm thing- although why people take babies into the toilet with them?? why not just pop them in their moses basket/carrycot or whatever it is they sleep in during the day.

I wish I had'nt read this thread, it's chilling.

Op, [;ease report this man before it's too late!

Maddy

If you pick up by the back of the babygrow, you put the weight of the baby against his/her windpipe.

It's painful. We're talking a millisecond of strangling. There's just no need, even if there aren't possible repercussions.