AIBU re DS and rent

[Weathergames]

DS nearly 18. Against my wishes he has left college and got a full time job - fine.

I have told him he will have to pay his way as I will lose maintenance from his dad and child benefit. We have agreed a third of his wages. Today I told him he will have to put his mobile in his own name and pay it and yesterday I bought him a load of toiletries and to him that's the last lot I am buying.

Today he has asked to discuss money. His dad had agreed 1/3 was reasonable and has never wanted him living with him in his new wife's home as they have students and have never made DS feel particularly welcome - he does not get in with DSM as there are 1000s of rules and she's v controlling.

DS is now saying his dad has told him if I am going to "over charge" him then his dad has said he can go and live there for £25 a week - if this is true AIBU to be fucking furious?

Elke you are massively projecting. Stop adding up random bits of money and trying to make out like the OP is profiteering.
The £150 of maintenance for her DD can be discounted, presumably she also needs feeding, clothing, hot water, has travel costs etc etc etc.

The OP is being very kind to her son in taking a percentage rather than a fixed amount. Let's say he has a couple of weeks where he only does 10 hours - he will be paying just £23 a week to his Mum, and I'm sure the food he eats costs more than that!

£200 a month is a perfectly reasonable figure in fact. Double that is not

The three-bedroom flat next door to mine was shared be three woman renters, at one point. Each persons share of the rent would have been about £833 a month, and I'd guess that utilities and food would be at least another £300 on top of that.

I know I don't live in the cheapest part of the country, but £200 a month is less than a room in a student hostel run as a charity by nuns cost, 30 years ago.

15 years ago I used to pay £300 a month for just my room and bills in a shared house. I was running a car, and earning just £800 a month.

I live in an average part of the north west and a rented room here including bills is between £350 - £400 per month. And quite often they are advertised under the category "studio flat" and it's not till you click into the actual listing that you see it's just a room.

YANBU op.

That's what this ad was - and I live in the south.

001000 Elke at what point would you stop financially supporting your adult offspring?

When they move out. Because I wouldn't want an adult living at home still with his parents, I'd be looking for that 18 yo to move out now or within a couple of years at most, and I'd be assisting him to do so (but not to buy). ie to save for a deposit and things he might need, and with as much help and support as he wants.

The OP hasn't said she charges less when the son works less, or that he even works less hours some weeks, just that his contract is for so many hours but that he has always worked more so far (37).

I still think you have to compare it to what the DP pays. Of course its not he OP's job to subsidise her adult son, but equally neither it is the son's job to subsidise the OP's DP. So if the son works 37 hours that week and pays £375 presumably the DP pays quite a bit more, which gives a rather high income to the OP. High enough that she would most likely require to pay tax on it as an additional revenue stream.

If the OP doesn't want projection, then she is free to state the actual figures.

AprilAnne personally i think its a bit mean .you will still be getting £150 per month maintenaince .although why is your ex hubby giving you this if your son working .so you are only loosing £150 per month plus lower rate of child benefit about another £60 a month so maximum he should pay is say £210 a month in fact probably less if you have no phone bill or clothes to buy

So if the son works 37 hours per week, the OP is about £165 or more per month better off than before.

I paid my DM £250 a month for my share of bills and food 10 years ago. On my suggestion, because that's how much my bills (including food and luxuries like Sky) had cost me when I lived in a house prior to moving back in with her. YADNBU. Whether or not you need the money, it's important for him to learn that if he's making adult decisions about his own life - choosing to work instead of continue his education - he has to take on the adult responsibilities.

And everyone saying that it's harsh, well, life isn't fair. He's presumably welcome to move out into his own bedsit or shared house if he thinks it'll be cheaper. And he can cook for himself and do his own laundry, and live in a potentially squalid out full of other people's takeaway cartons. Those are choices he's presumably capable of making too. And budgeting for it, so that when he only does do 10 hours a week he can still afford to feed himself.

People get married and start families at 18, or go to war, why should other adult offspring be hand held into 'real life'?

I wish you were more like my mil. Dh had no idea of expenses, racked up debt because he couldn't budget. His mum paid his mobile bill so he let everyone use his phone and had huge bills every month as well loosing it often.

Only now he realises how much he ripped the mick out of his parents.

1/3 is fair. As for toiletries I would still buy shampoo, shower gel, toothpaste but would expect him to buy his own deodorant, hair products ect

So the son will still be paying around £325 a month for a room in a family house. I honestly wouldn't pay that. I'd pay £200 or a little more but you can get a room fully catered in some university halls of residence for that £300 a month, and that gives you 3 meals a day, shared entertaining and leisure facilities and quite likely en suite.

What if you can't get a room for £200 per month in a shared house though? Round here it's a minimum of £400 per month for a shared room with shared bathroom, including bills but not food, and I'm not in a city or an expensive area. And what has the cost of halls of residence got to do with it? He's not at university, so that's not a relevant argument.

The OP hasn't said she charges less when the son works less, or that he even works less hours some weeks

Umm, yes she has. Where are you going to find those kind of flexible payments in the real world?

I think the OP is being totally reasonable. The DS has chosen to give up college and get a job - that's fine, but there are financial consequences to his decision that affect his household finances, he should not be able to just ignore those.

And it's all very well saying that the OP should put his rent aside as savings for a deposit, that's great if she wants to and can afford it, but what if she can't?

Elke but the OP's DS isn't saving up in a sensible way. Despite having such low guaranteed hours, he has blown his first two weeks wages on a playstation.
And yes she has said she will charge less if he earns less. What do you not understand about fractions, and percentages? She is cushioning him hugely from the impact of his volatile employment situation. Even if he could get a room with bills for your mythical £200 a month, no other landlord is going to say 'it's alright mate, just give me £100 this month', are they?

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-51489097.html#&ui-state=dialog

And believe me this is not a "nice" part of town.

I would also state that a third is fair and YANBU OP. Also I think his dad has stirred things unnecessarily.

Re this comment from Elke:-
"I'd be looking for that 18 yo to move out now or within a couple of years at most, and I'd be assisting him to do so (but not to buy). ie to save for a deposit and things he might need, and with as much help and support as he wants".

This is all very well and good but a deposit for a property in many part of the South East is going to cost a minimum of 50K. In this area at least moving out at 20 is a pipedream for many young people and thus does not happen. Even couples on two salaries find it hard going. Cheapest single room flatshare I found was £500 per calendar month, this is really the generation that is going to primarily rent rather than have a mortgage.

Alibaba you raise a good point about the choices OP's son is making for himself - the blowing of his first wages on something silly might be an understandable one-off or it might not, but there's also the shoplifting, drug use, wasting time at college and (possible) lies about the rent his father offered him to factor in

Of course his mum knows him and we don't, but isn't it worth remembering that while some things might work with a responsible teen, they may be less effective with the less self-motivated?

Elke You lovely that you have so much disposable income to subsidise your DC but a lot of us live in the real world of just scraping by every month.

YANBU, OP, suggesting one-third as DS's contribution. Given that his hours are variable, my only question would be whether it should be one-third of actual earnings or one-third of contracted earnings. There could be some compromise, perhaps a minimum and a maximum.

And it's all very well saying that the OP should put his rent aside as savings for a deposit, that's great if she wants to and can afford it, but what if she can't?

The DS should be putting the second one-third of his wages towards a deposit, leaving himself with the final third to spend, including on toiletries, his phone and anything else he fancies.

It's an interesting point that none of the people telling OP she's BU seem to think his father should still be paying for him too. Now, I can see why people feel he ought to be subsidised somewhat, if possible, to allow him to save. I don't think that's an outrageous perspective though obviously it's sometimes impossible. He isn't actually 18 yet, and personally if I could afford to have my working adult children at home on the cheap so they could get some money together, I would (of course, this would be on condition they actually were saving). But why is this only OP's responsibility? If XP would like DS to be housed and fed at less than he costs, that's valid, but he should be paying for his share of it. OP has already basically agreed to shoulder the risk attached to his choices, in only charging a third of what may be a variable and tiny income. XP, on the other hand, appears to have entirely withdrawn his own financial contribution whilst deciding that OP ought to continue with hers indefinitely.

elke at what point do you force the adult child to move out?

I mean... 1 year? 2 years?

when they've saved "enough"?

What if they don't bother saving up?

My sister dropped out of uni after a couple of months but luckily landed on her feet and got a job. After watching her blow her paycheck away monthly for 3-6 months on tat and cheap clothes, my parents insisted on market rate rent of ??350 [though no bills or food] and mobile phone was her problem. She stayed at home for a further 5 yrs at which point when she started to look for a place to live, my Dad presented her with a savings account of ??20k to use as a deposit for a flat. He'd put it all into a savings account for her while forcing her to learn to budget on what was left. Happily for my sister, my parents were in a financial position to do this but she would never have saved this cash by the age of 23 otherwise.

It's a bit mean, he is still a child and it's the family home. It's always quoted they must learn to pay their way yet when it's an adult not working and expecting others to pay for them it's totally different.

If you were saving the money for a future deposit for him it wouldn't be so bad. Charging him rent for a room you pay for regardless seems a bit petty.

Liesel it is indeed an interesting point and actually makes me more angry at my ex!

Cookiemonster what about food? I am at a financial loss here because he has chosen to leave college

So you begrudge buying youur own child food as he got a job and you lose the exs and state support? Buying food is a basic of being a parent I would of thought.

We lived at home free while we were in education and paid ??40 a week to live at home if we were working. That was twenty years ago. Allowing for inflation, your plan sounds fair enough to me. Tell your son you are not willing to negotiate and he's welcome to go and live with his dad but you would miss him and the door will be open if he changes his mind.

There is nothing more valuable than teaching your child how to stand on their own two feet. Honestly, when I see some of the young adults I know (aged 16-21) they can barely make a slice of toast because they have been so babied. Going away to uni is what saves a lot of them because they have to leave the nest and learn to do things for themselves, including budgeting.

Cookie the son is 18 . He's an adult male, not a baby boy.