Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

541 replies

ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 19:23

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

OP posts:
Youarentkiddingme · 08/09/2015 07:09

I really don't think selling the dolls is a quick and effective punishment - it's a collection - taken years to collect and the feelings from that will also last a long time.

I also don't think it's fair to say the OP needs to be or should have been more effective. I doubt any of us suspect our Dcs will steal our cards and use that much money and should supervised and cards protected.

I also think more information is needed as to the friends input. There's too much co incidence between them being there and grassing their friend up happily when she's caught. Why did they fall out? Is it because your DD decided she wasn't doing it anymore?

I know of sisters who would use these tactics, trap the benefits but happily play the innocent when faced with consequences. They are clever enough to at 10/11yo to get others to do their bidding so they are the innocent party in effect.

Your dd needs to pay back the money - open up the channels of communication as to how, why she did it and how you can prevent it happening again.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 07:12

Tell someone who gives a shit, Sansoora.

I'm sick to death of reading about namby pamby parenting. Allowing a child to choose her punishment is RIDICULOUS. The parent is in charge, not a bloody ten year old. Or at least they should be.

CalebHadToSplit · 08/09/2015 07:13

YANBU to be furious, but I would not sell the dolls.

I agree that she should fully repay you, whether through savings, pocket money, choosing possessions to put on eBay, as well as losing all laptop time unless you are supervising use for homework.

I would also (if you haven't already) delete the game and her account.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sansoora · 08/09/2015 07:18

Ceyes03 you're making me laugh. Grin

ProvisionallyAnxious · 08/09/2015 07:18

I'm sure by the law of the land, a 10 year old can be prosecuted in this country.

Only just - if she's a young ten she may only be a few months into being deemed criminally responsible. If she were 9 she could not be charged with a crime.

I remember in my A Level Philosophy and Ethics classes doing a session on different types of punishment - the main two that spring to mind are retributive and rehabilitative. The OP's aim as a responsible parent is hopefully to rehabilitate her child into the kind of person who doesn't steal! Personally I think selling her dolls would be a retributive punishment. These are items that, for her, have enormous personal value. Even if they are worth £266 that isn't what they represent to her (they probably mean a lot more). I think PP's suggestion that she earn back the £266 through chores, pocket money etc is far more effective - that way she gets to understand the financial severity of what she's done. Sell the dolls and she will remember her hurt at losing them rather than the message you're trying to get across. You want a child who doesn't steal because she understands that money is valuable and stealing is wrong - not a child who doesn't steal because she's afraid of punishment.

Anyway, that's my two penneth...

Nonnainglese · 08/09/2015 07:18

The child stole the card(s), more than once so wasn't a one-off but repeated planned decisions. She's old enough to know stealing is wrong and has consequences when you're caught.
The punishment is up to the parents, not for the child to discuss, suggest or agree to for goodness sake!

Youarentkiddingme · 08/09/2015 07:21

Ah thank you provisionally rehabilitation was the word I couldn't find in my brain to end my previous post.

I wanted to say even those in prison get a chance of rehabilitation!

ProvisionallyAnxious · 08/09/2015 07:22

I think you also need to think of a punishment that gets across how much she's broken your trust. So, if she usually spends time out and about on her own, restrict that (for a set time period). Tell her "no, I can't trust you anymore".

Selling her dolls also wouldn't be an effective punishment for her breaking your trust, because rather than showing her how crap it is not be trusted, it teaches her that she can't trust her parent not to do something deeply hurtful back at her.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 07:24

Likewise, Sansoora. Having a little chat with a child and explaining why it's wrong when they've stolen? That's utterly ridiculous. Any ten year old knows that stealing is wrong, she chose to do it anyway, so let's all pat her on the head and have a nice little chat and a cuddle and tell her not to do it again and see how that works out, shall we?

Your parenting strategy is utterly ludicrous.

ProvisionallyAnxious · 08/09/2015 07:24

Youarent

You're welcome! Smile And yes, they do.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 07:26

Personally I think selling her dolls would be a retributive punishment. These are items that, for her, have enormous personal value. Even if they are worth £266 that isn't what they represent to her (they probably mean a lot more).

Well, then she shouldn't have stolen. Tough shit. Sell her dolls and let her deal with the consequences of losing something of enormous personal value due to her behaviour. She won't do it again, will she?

Sansoora · 08/09/2015 07:28

Ceyes03 - Blush

ProvisionallyAnxious · 08/09/2015 07:36

ceyes

Do you want your child to grow up to be an adult whose sole reason for not doing illegal things is because they don't want to be punished, or because they understand the severity of those illegal things (in this case, understanding how much money £266 actually is, and knowing what it feels like to lose the trust of your loved ones) and realise that they are wrong acts in and of themselves? Because "tough shit" and retributive punishment gets you the former.

MaddyinaPaddy · 08/09/2015 07:36

I think that.sansoora is right.that's how I am bringing my DC up. It produces thinking responsible children. My dc are all but one in their teens now.They have never done anything as bad as this,but I know if they did they would be very very ashamed and disappointed in themselves.

ProvisionallyAnxious · 08/09/2015 07:37

The punishment does not fit the crime because the OP did not lose something of enormous personal value. Foinancoaly value, yes, and the child needs to be taught exactly what that means.

In 'ye olden days', thieves would love a hand for stealing a loaf of bread. Tough shit, or a badly thought out way of punishing someone?

MaddyinaPaddy · 08/09/2015 07:38

You have to remember that in-game purchases are design ed by experts in their field to be irresistible to adults. What chance dies a ten year old have

YellowDinosaur · 08/09/2015 07:40

I think she needs to have a severe punishment, aiming to recoup most of the money by chores / selling her possessions, as well as restricting her Internet use. Initially I was in favour of selling the dulls as potentially something of high value that she owns. I'd presumed that they might be worth about £10 each meaning a collection of 28 would get close to the total after deducting PayPal /eBay fees.

However, looking at completed listings on eBay these dolls sell for less than £5 each. After fees you'd recoup less than half the money. Given that I'd not take the dolls to punish her by removing something she loved but because of their value I wouldn't therefore do this given that their value isn't that high.

I'd be clear to her that she needs to pay the money back. I'd take any savings she has, then if there is any outstanding I'd let her choose the means by which she does this. This isn't namby pamby parenting, letting her choose her punishment. It's letting her choose the means to make the money. Sell things, stop pocket money, chores, or likely a combination. If she chooses to sell the dolls fine, but most children I know of that age have higher value less emotive items like tablets /ipods /computer games etc.

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 07:40

Ceyes, I'd personally rather be 'that' kind of parent than a parent that terrorises their children with seemingly sadistic punishments- i.e. selling something closest to her heart, seriously, seriously?? Get some perspective,
money is not the closest thing to someone's heart or at least it shouldn't be, even if you haven't got any of it.

Op, please, please do 'not' take this extreme advice - it will ruin your relationship with your daughter, to quote Larkin (he was a poet for anyone that doesn't know),

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you.

BMW6 · 08/09/2015 07:40

I'm with ceyes03 on this one - no wonder there are so many self obsessed entitled little shits growing up to be self obsessed entitled big shits.

How NOT to teach your children the concepts of responsibility and consequences......

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 07:42

It's because people constantly refer to children as 'little shits' that causes the most problems in life!

SeasideSunshine · 08/09/2015 07:46

That movie "Inside Out" shows the child stealing her mum's bank card and using it to buy a bus ticket online when she prepares to run away. I've had to have discussions with my dcs about these two things (using someone else's card and running away) since they saw the film as the girl is not really shown to have any consequences from these actions. She comes home and her parents are so happy to see her they're hugging her and everything is okay. Hmm

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 07:50

Well you would be happy to see your child return if they'd run away and you hadn't seen them. I saw that film with my 4 year old and I'd rather she appreciated the message that I'd prefer her to feel she didn't have to run away but if she did we wouldn't value 'money' over her!

Sansoora · 08/09/2015 07:53

Ceyes03 - I wouldn't know. My children are all grown up and doing really well in life despite me and my namby pamby parenting. But I do have 5 grandchildren to try and get it wrong with and I cant wait.