to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

[ovaryhill]

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

I would lay the problem at your DD's feet. What is she going to do to repay you? Let her find the solution

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but

How does a 10 year old have access to your credit card? Why havnt you got passwords that she can't access as that's basic safeguarding?

She's a 10 year old child.

How does a 10 year old have access to your credit card? Why havnt you got passwords that she can't access as that's basic safeguarding?

Are you telling me you keep your purse out of reach at all times at home? It takes minutes to get details - the smarter ones will write down the info for further use. Yes a child, but not a naive infant. As for passwords, if the girl set up an account for purchasing these things, then how the hell was the OP meant to safe guard? The Xbox thing I mentioned doesn't (or didn't) require any specific password or identification as to whom was using the card.

Not to make excuses for your DD, but those bloody freemium games are very addictive. They've been designed to wring as much money as possible from people, and as another poster said, she probably didn't have a clue how much she had spent. Plus it's not clear just how much influence these girls had.

I'd hide the dolls, saying you're planning to sell them, and then get her working on paying back the debt through chores. You could even set a rate for each chore so she can see what a grind it is to earn money. If she sticks to it and improves her behaviour, then give the dolls back.

I had a collection of toys as a kid and I did use my parent's cards for things I wanted. They didn't mind/notice.

If they had they would have talked it through with me and maybe done chores or something.

Selling toys is so nasty. I would have such a bad relationship with them now if they had done that. Those toys meant and still mean a lot to me.

It's so spiteful to do that please don't.

Agree with the poster mentioning trauma. I certainly would have experienced it if it was me. I was a very sensitive child.

Definitely sell the dolls. And I'd also suspend/ban from the laptop for an indefinite period of time too. The child needs to learn that actions have consequences, and that really deceitful and unlawful actions have severe consequences!!!

Personally I just cannot fathom some of the BS written on here about how you can't sell the dolls because "it's her property" or "emotional attachment", what absolute tripe!!!

Corgiology - you don't think taking your parents card and spending their money was 'spiteful' or that the money 'didn't mean a lot to them'? And then you would have been traumatised if they had found out and quite rightfully sold your things to make up for it . Respect for possessions works two ways, if you take from someone, thieve from your loved ones, you need one hell of a good life lesson about it and understand the gravity of what you've done. Sensitive little flower or not.

darth don't you have any beloved possessions you are emotionally attached to?

I wouldn't sell the dolls either.
However I would be banning computer use for the foreseeable future. (Well into next year!)

It's about trust. When someone steals from you you can't rust them. Therefore you need to keep your money and cards safe for a while, dd needs to know that she has hugely broken your trust with regards to the computer so therefore cannot be trusted with it.

Selling the dolls is just revenge. If you don't need to check your account until the end of the month you are not the sort of person who needs the 266 back immediately. I would know if quid had been spent on a computer game that week.
10yr don't understand the concept of card money. It isn't actual cash. You also have to shoulder a hefty whack of respinsibilty here for the lax supervision.

Dancergirl Yes I do, and I don't think it'd be entirely bad karma if I lost them because I decided to steal from someone. You might consider that harsh on my part but then the way I see it the older that child gets the more severe the consequences would be for the same crime, they'd stand to lose a LOT more in life so yeah I'd rather teach a harsh lesson in the hope that they'd learn from that and save themselves that potential trouble down the line.

As a parent 'you' are responsible for guiding your children, it is not a partnership, most of the suggestions for punishments are cruel and show no appreciation for the 'child ' (not teenager) your DD is. An eye for an eye is not a value i'd be modelling, your already seemingly comfortable with her being in hysterics when she doubtless can't understand the enormity of it at all.

My eldest is 8.4 year old and I have a 10 year old niece, there is no way that either of them would have that kind of unchecked, casual use of a laptop in their rooms and certainly not with friends. Why do you not know what sh was doing, playing with, it sounds like you're leaving her to it for long periods of time. Does she not have homework or any books to read? Are you aware of how your 10 year old is using her time at all? It sounds like you treat her more like a 14/15 year old than a young girl.

Parents who show kindness and compassion always seem to produce the most well balanced, law abiding adults. All the severe conservative, punishment obsssessed parents that I know have the most problems with children and the young adults they've produced.,

You're not 'your'

This child is 10. She's not a hardened criminal. She's seen something she wants, she's seen the means to get it within her home, she's taken what she wanted. That's what children do. They make mistakes. Of course she denied it as first, she knew jolly well the sky was falling in on her.
It never ceases to amaze me how unpleasantly vengeful some mumsnetters will urge others to be with their dcs. Some children steal from their parents. It's a stage of growing up that some people experience. It's not indicative of life long criminality nor will it help to react with harshness. Think about it - they take to get what they want and in response you take away things from them that they like. What does that teach them? Don't take things you've no right to? Er no. It teaches them not to get caught and that if they do get caught their parent will deprive them of more things they like.

Selling her dolls is way ott. Talk of cancelling Christmas is just plain cruel.
Op - talking away her unsupervised computer access for a while is a proportionate punishment. You don't need to do anymore except make her aware how upset and disappointed you are which you've already done.

A ten year is still a young child. Young enough to still play with dolls- the very ones you are planning to sell. I think that's is very over the top and bordering on cruel.

Cross post with over poster who said it better.

I cannot agree, Golden. I know of someone who tried the softly, softly approach. Banned electronics from rooms, no phone, everything had to be earned through chores. They ended up having to sleep with their wallet, because said 'child' wouldn't stop taking money. I'm sure by the law of the land, a 10 year old can be prosecuted in this country. That is a severe punishment, unthinkable really. In hindsight, one big 'shock' punishment may put heed to this type of behaviour for good. This isn't a small thing that's happened, an adult who stole this amount of money would be looking at severe retribution if caught. Even putting aside the seriousness of the transgression, the girl needs to truly understand the hurt caused, and that having trust broken is an awful thing. She's certainly old enough to understand how serious this is and its long term implications. Maybe not sell the dolls, but she will have to earn them back as slowly as it will take for her to earn back her family's trust. I think that's really the lesson that needs to be learned here - how difficult it is to earn that back once lost.

People speaking of 'ripping' a child's head off. Absolutely vile aggressive responses and threatening parents are what's wrong with this society not the 'lack' of parents behaving in this way when their child makes a.....wait for it... A 'mistake'. People make mistakes - I mean you've clearly made some in this whole fiasco!

Do we really want to teach this TEN year old kid that the price of her parent's trust and love is £266? Because that's an awfully lot like what some posters seem to be suggesting.

This means selling the dolls (never mind cancelling Christmas, good grief, she is TEN) would be OTT, unless she chooses to do so as a way of paying you back at least some of the money (which I would tell her she will have to do - perhaps half - and leave it open to her whether she pays in instalments out of her pocket money, sells some possessions, does chores or a combination of these)

I'm sorry, but when did it become acceptable for a child to choose his or her own punishment? What a ridiculous statement! The parent chooses the punishment and if the child doesn't like it, tough shit. It's supposed to be harsh - it's a punishment!! No wonder child discipline is going to hell in a handcart if this is how some parents think.

She has every "right". She's the parent. A ten year old does not get a say in his or her own punishment. How utterly, utterly ridiculous. How else is this child going to pay back the money that she stole?

OP, sell the dolls. It's her own tough luck for stealing.

*That's a bit severe isn't it- cancel Christmas?

I wouldn't sell her stuff. I wouldn't seek 'revenge'.*

Nor would I.

Its happened and instead of going in like a ton of bricks I'd have a talk and explain why it was so wrong. Anything else will live mark her as a thief forever and there's no need for that. She's 10 and was probably being the 'big I am' amongst friends who sound like a right pair of sneaks.

She is a thief.

Good GOD, the sheer level of namby-pamby, limp wristed parenting on this thread beggars belief. No wonder we have such a problem with lack of respect for authority in this country if this is how people think. Ridiculous!

She is a thief and she needs to pay back what she stole. At ten, she OBVIOUSLY has no income, so the only way to achieve that is to sell some of her possessions. If she doesn't like it, utter tough shit, she shouldn't have stolen.

I would be selling the thing closest to her heart. She won't do it again, will she?

Ceyes03 - you read like a Daily Mail headline.