Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

541 replies

ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 19:23

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

OP posts:
Original poster
ovaryhill · 08/09/2015 07:56

Thank you everyone for the replies and support
Like I said before, I completely hold my hands up to her having too much time on the computer, totally my fault
I have decided to let the dolls live in the attic for an extended period rather than sell them
She is also banned from anything with a screen for the foreseeable and also grounded for same
I will update with how I got on trying to recoup the money later

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 08/09/2015 08:00

Looks like namby pamby won.

10 years old is not 2. She's old enough to know what she's doing. I was 7 when I stole money from people and I knew it was wrong.

Northernlurker · 08/09/2015 08:01

I like being called a namby pamby, liberal, soft touch parent.
Damn sight better than being called a vengeful, relationship destroying, hard faced git of a parent.

SeaMagic · 08/09/2015 08:05

Agree totally with knitting and other likeminded moderate posters.

The child is ten, cancelling Christmas and selling dolls is OTT and ridiculous.

Maybe OP you need to look at how your daughter uses the internet. A ten year old should not be using these sorts of games unsupervised and they should be password protected. Also talk to your bank about having your cards protected for internet use.

I also second people who say perhaps talk to your daughter about what happened rather than leaving her to be hysterical and fuming about selling toys and cancelling Christmas. Is she being bullied, does she have a gaming addiction, what exactly is the other children's involvement in this and why have they used her for game access and now decided to tell on her?

She is ten, use this experience in a positive way, maybe by teaching her something about the value of money and what £260 actually means in real terms and think with her about ways she can pay it back, i.e. chores around the house, going without treats and trips for a period, a lesser Birthday or Christmas present...

I would be letting her take ownership of this problem and some responsibility in solving it. The shock of your anger and upset should make her think twice about taking your credit card again.... unless you have an ongoing problem with her taking stuff that doesn't belong to her? Otherwise I think at ten she might not have realised the reality that using the details of your card equates to actual money [as in the stuff she sees in your purse that you use to pay for things] and may not have realised that £260 equates to two weeks worth of groceries or whatever... so this might be a useful lesson about the cost of things and money management, i.e. this is why Mummy doesn't spend £260 on games!

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 08:05

I stole a rubber when I was 7, my Mum took me back to the newsagent, apologised and paid for it. She told me that it wasn't a 'kind' thing to do. I never stole again as I wanted to do the right thing in life. So liberal parents in the 80's, we turned out ok- I have an MA,y brother is a senior partner in a law firm!

Pneumometer · 08/09/2015 08:06

General tip: write down the three digit code off the back of your card (or the four digit code off the front of your Amex card) and then scratch it off. Children can't then use the card for online purchases, restaurants that handle your card can't steal the details, etc, etc.

Sallystyle · 08/09/2015 08:07

I am not a namby pamby parent.

I have teens who have turned out into wonderful people who are law abiding kind hearted citizens. They are not entitled little shits in the slightest.

I never really went for the whole punishment thing. My aim is always to teach and show them natural/logical consequences for their actions. At 10 she may not have known how much she spent and their impulse control is not the greatest. I wouldn't want to sell her dolls she has collected through the years to punish her. I would also concentrate on the fact that she has lost your trust so she gets no computer time etc until you can trust her again. Also, jobs around the house etc to earn some of the money back.

That should be plenty enough to get her to think about her actions and to not do it again. She is 10 and if she is usually well behaved and respectful then she will most likely feel awful for what she has done and won't need a harsh punishment to learn her lesson.

I hate the implication that if you don't sell her dolls you are a soft parent who is going to raise criminal arsehole adults. My way of parenting may not be as harsh as some here but it still works. I have five of them and they are all well behaved and respectful.

There are other ways of teaching responsibility without resorting to selling her collection of dolls. I think it shows quite a lack of imagination if the only thing people can think of is to sell something she loves. There are other ways for her to learn the lesson not to steal again, and that is the goal isn't it? to teach her what she did was wrong so she doesn't do it again?

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 08:09

Do some people have children just for something to control- you certainly get that impression reading some of these responses.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 08:11

There are other ways for her to learn the lesson not to steal again, and that is the goal isn't it? to teach her what she did was wrong so she doesn't do it again?

Again: At 10, she should already know stealing is wrong. That means that either she knew exactly what she was doing, in which case a harsh punishment is very appropriate, or she hasn't been parented properly in the first place if she didn't know it was wrong, which, from the OPs posts I find hard to believe.

Sansoora · 08/09/2015 08:11

Ive always though that a child knowing they'd disappointed their parents and let themselves down went a long way in helping them think about what they'd done and go on to make better choices in the future.

Sansoora · 08/09/2015 08:12

I am not a namby pamby parent.

To be frank I really couldn't care less if people think I am.

Original poster
ovaryhill · 08/09/2015 08:13

I'm not namby pamby, I'm just not cruel
We've had a calm talk about it all and she is well aware how wrong it was and how upset I am
I think that and the aforementioned sanctions are punishment enough for a ten year old
I'm still undecided whether to talk to the other girls parents
They don't appear to have egged her on however they knew she didn't have permission and have benefited from being given things on the game

OP posts:
ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 08:14

Just saw the update, and I take back what I just said. Clearly she hasn't been parented properly if that's the punishment she's getting for something as abhorrent as stealing. How ridiculous.

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 08:15

Ceyes, why are you obsessed with the severity of the OP's punishment?

Alfieisnoisy · 08/09/2015 08:18

Well done OP, it's a difficult situation to deal with.

FWIW my niece did something similar when she wasn't much older than your DD. She took nearly £1000 over a few months from her Dad's work safe.
It was the first time ever my sister and BIL had such a situation to deal with.
They did similar to you, banned all screen time, grounded her and a very long talk about what had happened.
My niece is now 21, she has a good job and never did anything like that again. My sister took a paper round which she accompanied my niece to do every evening and the wages repaid what has been taken. It took my niece a long time to pay the money back. My BIL had her iPod for ages which he said he would sell (but never did), he had it for six months before she got it back.

The difficulty with in-app purchasing and the Tween games is that to progress you often have to part with REAL money. Yes your DD did wrong but it's the behaviour of an impulsive and immature child of 10. Many 10 year olds make silly decisions (sometimes over and over again) before life catches them out. Having made this wrong decision a first time and got away with it she has repeated it.

I hope like my niece that this will be the end of it for you. She's been caught out and she knows she did wrong. That might be enough to ensure she will never do it again.
Don't ease up on her too quickly though....my niece hated doing the paper round, in from school and instead of relaxing after tea she and my sister or BIL went off to deliver the local paper. It gave her the right message though.

Sallystyle · 08/09/2015 08:18

Well done OP

I think that really is the best decision.

Ignore the posters going on about namby parents. Many of us here have older children who have turned out really well and we have managed that without finding vindictive punishments for a 10 year olds first offence.

It's really quite sad that there are so many parents out there who have to go straight in for the harsh punishments because they can't think of other ways to teach their children right from wrong.

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 08:18

Ceyes03, here you go again, loads of people who are brought up with compassion rather than harsh rules do a lot better in life- go to prisons and ask the inmates how their parents treated them, it will probably be not far off from what you're advocating?!

ArendelleQueen · 08/09/2015 08:19

Some of the responses on here sound like they've come from people who've never been a parent and/or grew up with a military-like regime. I had "namby pamby" parents and none of us ever stole. It's situational, not always parental.

insanityscatching · 08/09/2015 08:19

I wouldn't sell her dolls either. I would consider myself partly responsible as I hadn't password protected the cards and allowed her unsupervised access and the means for her to do this.
I'd dock her pocket money and say no to the extra treats that happen here for a while and also make sure that it couldn't happen again.
Some really harsh responses here to a young child's wrongdoing IMO and I'm not a soft touch by any means.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 08:20

Because it's absolutely ludicrous. The OP came on here, bleating about how her daughter used two separate cards (or however many it was) to steal money and run up a huge bill that she couldn't pay, and then she punishes her by "putting her dolls in the attic".

Ridiculous.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 08:22

It's really quite sad that there are so many parents out there who have to go straight in for the harsh punishments because they can't think of other ways to teach their children right from wrong

She's ten. Had she already properly been taught right from wrong, as she should have been done years ago, this should never have even occurred in the first place. And if the punishment for this kind of thing is "putting some dolls in an attic", I can quite see why she doesn't already know right from wrong.

Original poster
ovaryhill · 08/09/2015 08:24

Thank you U2 and Alfie
Whilst what she has done is very wrong it certainly wasn't 'abhorrent'
Emotive exaggerated language like that is not helpful

OP posts:
Rachel0Greep · 08/09/2015 08:25

Well done. I agree OP, with others who have said they would wonder about how much the others are involved.

Glad to see things are calmer, and no drastic actions were taken.

Alfieisnoisy · 08/09/2015 08:26

Ceyes that's your opinion and you are entitled to it but you have also seen people post who have been in similar situations. They have said how they dealt with it in various ways ....some very softly softly ...and it has worked.

My niece had to repay the money she took but beyond a paper round, iPod deprivation and a long talk she had no other sanctions. She never repeated it and is now an adult who works and contributes to society.

I don't see why you are so upset.

Sallystyle · 08/09/2015 08:26

Again: At 10, she should already know stealing is wrong. That means that either she knew exactly what she was doing, in which case a harsh punishment is very appropriate, or she hasn't been parented properly in the first place if she didn't know it was wrong, which, from the OPs posts I find hard to believe.

Of course. I am sure she knew it was wrong. She is also 10 with not great impulse control . Kids fuck up, even when they know what is right or wrong. My children have all done something they knew they shouldn't do at some point. I still didn't go for the harshest punishment though. And like I said, my way has and is working well for five children.

OP doesn't have to sell the dolls to teach her daughter. There are other ways and I have no doubt her daughter will grow up into a wonderful woman. I doubt she is going to turn into an adult thief because she stole something when she was 10 and mum didn't sell her dolls afterwards.